I really need some advice, help. I feel so bad about everything and I don't have anyone to talk to. I am having a relationship with a married colleague who works in one of our overseas offices. He's foreign, young, 31, married 2 kids. I'm 38 and separated. We met on a trip and connected and slept together. That was 5 months ago, since then we've been able to arrange to meet up at 3 conferences and either arrive early or stay late to have some time together. Whenever we're together, we sleep together everynight, we make love non-stop. We absolutely have the most incredible time together. He's a bit wild, drinks like crazy and does more than one drug when work is over. Never mixes work and play. I love to act wild with him, stay up all night. He's exceedingly romantic and affectionate, tells me he's madly in love with me and that if he could, he would give it all up for me. When we first separate and go back to our respective daily lives, he calls me non-stop that he can't stop thinking about me that he's so in love with me that this is going to last forever, that we will see each other every few months. We are in touch all day at work through instant messaging. Then he freaks that he feels terrible, that he hates having to divide his heart, then I won't hear from him. Then he's back with a vengeance, madly in love with me and planning where we are going to meet up again. He's married and I'm not, I'm totally at his mercy of when he wants to call me, when he can fit me in. I know all of this is wrong and probably cant' work but I'm crazy about him, he makes me feel so incredibly good and I love having an exciting taboo relationship. I'm a bit of an adrenalin junky and I like having my independence, knowing that I have this boyfriend on the other side ofthe world. But then, I feel like complete crap when I don't hear from him, I feel lost like noone cares about me, like maybe he changed his mind and doesn't want to do this. I hate his going back and forth, he's madly in love, he feels like a ******* for doing this, he can't live without me. When we're together, he wakes up every morning and tells me that he loves me and can't live w/o me. Is he just making me into some fantasy that he has to fill up his own empty life. I know he'll never leave his wife right. How can I stop this from destroying me own self-esteem. What does he want, does he really love me. Help, I'm so lost and feel like crap right now. It's sunday, I'm alone and I haven't heard from him and he's probably out with his family having a blast. What should I do, what should I think?
Well, I don't know about anyone else not caring for you, but I can tell you right now this guy doesn't care for you, at all. I'm sure he's having a truly fabulous, sexual time with you, so much so that he continues contact. But, as the experience recedes, he remembers what's important to him, in his life, and dumps you. Only to reconnect when he wants it hot, naughty and self-destructive again. Kind of the way an addict would behave. In all honesty, he is VERY GOOD at telling you what you want to hear to make you come to him. He really does think of you as the woman he has, as fun. He will never see you as more then that because you've proven to him that that's what you are willing to accept. Note: He will NEVER leave his wife. She may leave him, if she finds out what he's up to. So he will NEVER tell his wife about you. And, he WILL dump you as soon as this little game becomes too dangerous.
This is not about you, at all. It is ALL about him and his wants. You could have any face or body within reason, as long as you are along for the ride. Actually changing your hair color or eye color might make him even hotter, again because it's not, and never has been, about you. It would simply ramp up the game to the next notch.
It sounds to me like you want someone to love and care for you. You will NEVER find that with him and you will NEVER find that until you love YOURSELF enough to demand the very best a man has to offer, because you know you deserve it. The very best will never be the scraps a man thows you, from what's left of his marriage.
This affair isn't wild or dangerous for anyone but him. For you, it's desperate and lonely, so you need to stop kidding yourself that you are in some racy, romantic novel. This is real life and you are being used BIGTIME. And the REAL PROBLEM here is that you are starting to fall for the user. Let me leave you with absolutely no illusions that he will ever feel for, or see, you as more then his "Party Girl"
I'm really sorry that this post is so harsh and hard, but it's your life and love you are wasting. Pull yourself together and stop pressing the self-destruct button, on your life. You certainly won't be any less lonely, but you will feel stronger, be happier with yourself and be open to real love when it finally comes your way. Because right now, while being so obsessed with this looser, you are not open to love.
Your title says you are involved AGAIN. Are we talking the same man, or a different one? Do you make it a habit to fall for married men? If the answer is yes, you may want to discover what's going on, with you, that you feel the need to get with unavailable men, who will never commit to you.
Good luck, take care and start loving yourself enough to want what's best for you, first, BEFORE what's best for anybody else. Especially a man who won't give you the same respect and devotion he would give a wife.
He has all the control in this relationship and you have none. He is using you for sex and that is it. He isn't going to leave his wife and family and come to live with you in your country. I mean, is that what you want?
You can continue being the other woman and being there for him when he needs it - or you can break off the ties and find an honest relationship.
On another note - by your title, it appears this isn't your first affair with a married man. It is a shame that you degrade yourself in this way. I think you have your own issues to deal with. Why is your self esteen so low that you feel it is OK to be involved with married men? It might make you feel more powerful on one level - that a married man wants to be with you - BUT in the end, you are the one that feels like crap and really has no power.
I think you need to get out of this relationship fast and perhaps go to counseling. Women who get involved with married men have issues that they are not aware of. Have you ever thought of what yours are?
As a woman who is about to walk down the aisle again in a few weeks, I hope and pray that my fiance would never do this to me. My first marriage about 17 years ago broke up and infidelity was one of the reasons. Being the receiving end of such betrayal and painful experience was enough to traumatize me. I hope you understand that there's another woman at the other end of this relationship. Even though I was the one betrayed, I vowed never to purposely hurt another woman.
I hope you reconsider the whole relationship because this man who says he loves you, doesn't. I kicked my ex-husband out of our house... he was begging to stay with "his family".
Also, watch the movie "Match Point". Because 99% of men who cheats won't leave their comfort and family.
All this advice is so helpful and I already knew all of this but I just need to hear it from objective outside people who don't know me and who wont break to me gently so as not to hurt my feelings. this is my second affair with a married man, my own marriage broke up because my husband was unfaithful to me, repeatedly and I kicked him out and he begged to stay. I'm now doing to someone else what they did to me. I didn't look to be involved with this guy, he sought me out. Once it happened, I didn't look for it to be lovey dovey and for us to be talking about any kind of relationship, he took it there. I know he has got to have major issues also, but I want to solve my own and stop being in affairs with unavailable men. It's so strange, I don't hate myself, I just don't seem to have any confidence in myself when it comes to men. I guess I should just end this one now. Thanks, any other advice is appreciated, as harsh as it is, I need to hear it.
We have alot of women around here, who divorced cheating husbands, then go on to cheat WITH husbands, behind the wives backs.
I think some of it's misplaced anger, some of it's revenge and some of it is choosing unavailable men so they don't get deeply involved, hence hurt, again. The only problem is, they almost always start getting attached and then they are in a worse situtation then they were before. They almost always get hurt by the jerks they are cheating with. It is a real disservice they do to themselves.
This guy sounds a *****! He's married and he has kids for gods sake. Do yourself a favour and leave this scumbag and find yourself a single guy, who will respect you, and not treat you like second best. Think how his wife and kids will react when they will find out...And they will find out eventually. You can't keep deceit up for ever.
You obviously have scars from being cheated on..DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW IT FELT???? Maybe you need to get your butt into some counseling....get yourself pulled back together...Tell him to GO HOME TO HIS WIFE AND KIDS!!!! Your helping to hurt other people...why????? did his wife and kids do something to YOU He has major issues ....what goes around comes around.............
What you have is actually an addiction, to "lust", sorta speak. And you are acting upon your fantasy in the real world. That man is an endorphin broker and a heart breaker, a quick high..... absolutely NOTHING more.
Foreign man, passionate sex, forbidden affair and adrenaline rush...huh! Hell of course it's wonderful when you're high on it. Then, as with any other addiction, the withdraw gets you down deeper and lower until the next heavier dose of the same poison gets you high again.
You should consider therapy to ease your way back down to earth as I garantee you these roller coaster orgxxm will not be worth your memories in a few years. So, stop answering to the James Bond type and don't be too eager for a fast roll in the hay when you see someone that meets the eye.
Yoga and meditation class ought to provide some inner santuary for you. Give it a try. OOmmmm.........
I really appreciate the responses from everyone, and it is really interesting to read the male point of view. Believe it or not, I have been in counseling, first when my marriage broke up and then when I get involved in my first affair with a married man. Yes it is like a drug, it's an addiciton and the highest are the highest I've ever felt, and the lows, the absolute lowest, when things go bad, I can honestly say I've never felt worse. For a professional who is successful in the workplace, well educated, and honestly, I'm an attractive young woman (under 40), I'm disgusted with myself that I'm like this. I do want to be in a normal loving relationship with a single, unattached man but everytime I meet one, they seem to be single and unattached for a reason, I've even tried on line dating and it's been really horrifying. So I try the so called normal guys and it's a disaster so I go back to the married ones. I guess if I keep trying or try to like myself better, eventually I'll find the right person.