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Old 08-27-2006, 05:12 PM   #1
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Fabat40 HB User
I'm so afraid, I can't breath

Three weeks from today, I will be married. I have a wonderful fiance that loves me more than anything in the world and he loves my son like his own. He accepts me for who I am completely and he's the man I have been looking for. Just to summarize the last 20 years of my young life, I've been divorced for 17 +/- years now and was engaged twice. Both times I cancelled the engagement not because I was not in love, but out of fear. I've been on my own raising my son, alone and have gone through a lot of rough times which I'm thankful that I have.

I've postponed this wedding once already, and we are now at the point where the invitations have been sent about a month ago, the church is set, the reception, the dresses, the flowers... everything is ready and we're all waiting for "the date". We have families flying from all over the world to witness our union. And as the days progress, I feel like someone has their hands around my throat and the grip gets tighter and tighter as the day approaches.

I love my fiance with all my heart and he hasn't given me any reason to run. He has been sincere, kind, patient, romantic, loving, understanding and I know thousands of women would drop everything for a man like him. But what the heck is wrong with me? A part of me wants to run, run as fast as I could, but another part of me is scared to loose such a wonderful man because I know there aren't many good ones left out there. I've been to the circus and it's not fun.

Is this just the wedding jitters? I didn't feel this way on my first wedding.... maybe it's because I was stupid and very young at the time and didn't know anything different and haven't experienced life as I have at this point.

One of my best friends summarized me the other day after we'd done our last dress fitting and we were all drunk on champagne, she said, " Fabat, you can get yourself out of the ghetto, raise a human being by yourself, rise through a huge Corporation, be the most wonderful mother I have ever and will ever know, but when it comes to love, you just can't seem to nail that down". What an epiphany.

Maybe I'm loosing my mind. I can't really voice what's on my mind to anybody because my family and friends loves my fiance. I know they would think I've lost my mind if I ever tell them that I feel like someone was strangling me. Has anybody been through this before their wedding?

Please tell me I haven't lost my mind.

Thanks
Peace.

 
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Old 08-27-2006, 05:19 PM   #2
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eve40 HB User
Re: I'm so afraid, I can't breath

Maybe you are having the wrong kind of wedding. Maybe you need to do a ceremony quietly, sincerely and very honest BEFORE the wedding. If you can't go through with that, I'd say your issues are much bigger and you can cancel before anyone gets embarassed. If you do go through with it, then the deed is done and the day of your offical wedding can be a celebration of family and friends, and won't feel like a trip to the gallows.
Just a thought.

 
Old 08-27-2006, 05:22 PM   #3
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Fabat40 HB User
Re: I'm so afraid, I can't breath

Quote:
Originally Posted by eve40
Maybe you are having the wrong kind of wedding. Maybe you need to do a ceremony quietly, sincerely and very honest BEFORE the wedding. If you can't go through with that, I'd say your issues are much bigger and you can cancel before anyone gets embarassed. If you do go through with it, then the deed is done and the day of your offical wedding can be a celebration of family and friends, and won't feel like a trip to the gallows.
Just a thought.
I think that's it Eve... the whole bullsh*t of getting all the friggin flowers and the reception and the families and friends crap... it's stressing me out. The wedding is not big, but we're having a huge reception.
Thanks Eve.

 
Old 08-27-2006, 07:12 PM   #4
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SophiaM HB User
Re: I'm so afraid, I can't breath

Yeah, I think Eve's idea is great! I've never been married but I imagine I'd be scared, too. Some fear in this situation is natural and normal, but the kind of fear you're describing sounds rather intense especially that you know your fiance very well and you say you love him and he treats you great. Perhaps it would really be better if you can just go to City Hall and sign the papers first so you can be more relaxed during the wedding ceremony. City Hall is not as intimidating as a full blown wedding, and you might not be afraid of it so much. A few of my friends have done that and had a reception a few months later, (or in your case it would be a week or two later) and it worked very well for them. I think that's what I would do, personally, as I can relate to the fear of huge formal events. Congratulations Fabat--you know you have a gem of a guy and that you can do it! Let us know how it all went---we want details, please

 
Old 08-27-2006, 08:10 PM   #5
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Fabat40 HB User
Re: I'm so afraid, I can't breath

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Yeah, I think Eve's idea is great! I've never been married but I imagine I'd be scared, too. Some fear in this situation is natural and normal, but the kind of fear you're describing sounds rather intense especially that you know your fiance very well and you say you love him and he treats you great. Perhaps it would really be better if you can just go to City Hall and sign the papers first so you can be more relaxed during the wedding ceremony. City Hall is not as intimidating as a full blown wedding, and you might not be afraid of it so much. A few of my friends have done that and had a reception a few months later, (or in your case it would be a week or two later) and it worked very well for them. I think that's what I would do, personally, as I can relate to the fear of huge formal events. Congratulations Fabat--you know you have a gem of a guy and that you can do it! Let us know how it all went---we want details, please
Thank Sophia.

I don't know why wedding has to be huge... it's my second, but his first. So I compromised.

I'm going to suggest to my fiance if he and I can just "elope" secretly and not tell anybody ever except for my son and then just go about the wedding... LOL I have no idea if he'll accept that suggestion. LOL

Thanks again.

 
Old 08-28-2006, 07:34 AM   #6
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minijumbofly HB User
Re: I'm so afraid, I can't breath

This is wonderful and exciting to hear. Congratulations and best wishes to you!

I believe you have been successfully independent for just a tat too long. You have done so much so well for & by yourself for so long that now you are afraid you might lose that to a new beginning. Which sounds absolutely normal to me.

This has got to be kinda like giving birth (althought I'll never know first hand ) You planned it and checked and double checked things just to get the jitters anyways before the big event.

IMHO, to alter plans at this stage might be somewhat unnerving for the families if not your husband to be. Your thought of "eloping" is actually not a bad idea except don't think of it as that.

I would like to suggest that you actually go on honeymoon BEFORE the reception. Then, the reception would be more like a post wedding party. FIIIIEEEESTA !!! And if all goes well, have a second honeymoon right after the reception.

Hey, you've done good. The plans are set and you need some private and intimate time with your DH to be before facing the mob...oops, I meant family. Live a little & don't be shy with the champagne.

 
Old 08-28-2006, 11:49 PM   #7
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Fabat40 HB User
Re: I'm so afraid, I can't breath

thanks Minijumbofly. I had dinner w/ a good friend tonight and she shared her story with me. She too was so scared before her wedding that she almost didn't marry her husband. Thirty-eight years later, she's sitting down with me at dinner, telling me her story. It made me feel better.

Thank you.
Peace.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 06:08 AM   #8
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punkybear HB User
Re: I'm so afraid, I can't breath

I can't help you much I guess but I just wanted to tell you that before my fiance proposed all I wanted was for him to just friggin ask me to marry him lol! Then when he did I got that same feeling you described like something closing in on my throat and I didn't feel really happy like everyone makes you think you should feel like. I didn't tell anybody about this feeling for awhile because I thought people would judge me. I mean I love him and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him so what's my problem? I told my mom, who has been married for thirty years, and she laughed and said 'honey, if ANYBODY thinks marriage is going to be a fairy tale they should just not be getting married.' She told me it is absolutely normal for me to feel a little scared- it is a huge decision! And everybody feels like that. I felt a lot better after talking to her and have since found out that I know a lot of people who felt that way. I am happily planning a wedding but every once in awhile feel the beginnings of a panic attack I think what you are feeling is normal. It sounds like you have a wonderful person to spend the rest of your life with.

 
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