I was hoping to get some advise on my situation.I have been(and still am) happily married to my husband for 9 years.Over the years me and his sister have become close friends.I thought of her as a sister .We were always a pretty tight family.
My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in August 04.Times were really hard for me and mom.(all the chemo-radiation-brain surgery-not to mention the emotional rollercoaster that a diagnoses of cancer brings)
My sister in law was there for me.And just this past February when my mother passed she was there.The day after my mother passed my kids were staying at her house with my other sister in law while me and my husband were out getting clothes for the viewing.As I was looking at a new dress for my mother to be burried in, my cell rang.As I said hello, she asked me if we had come by before we left and picked up the movies.I told her yes and I had meant to call and tell her ,but I had forgot-I mean this was the worst day of my life-not to mention my phone was ringing off the hook as people were wanting to know about the funeral and all.Well she jumped down my throat and said she would of appreciated it if I would of called first and let them know because her house was ransaked and she didnt know what was going on.She also continued to say I guess your kids destroyed my house.I was very upset and just handed the phone to my husband and he had words with her.
Come to find out what had happened was that night when they returned home there was a pornographic picture of my sister in law on the computer screen and her daughter saw it.And thats why she called me up freaking out.
Well, we havent talked since the day of my mothers funeral.I think she was wrong to call me up at that time, I think she is very self centered person.I think at that time she should have been there for me and I think she could of went about it in a differnt way.She did go to my moms funeral(as my mom was like a grandma to her kids)Me and her never spoke another word.We havent even really been going to family functions because we dont want to run into each other.Family members have told me she doesnt ever want to speak to me and her brother ever again because we treated her like a piece of trash.Well in my opinion she treated us badly and on the worst day of my life-the day I lost my best friend -my beautiful mother.
Am I wrong ?
I did IM her about 2 months ago.I asked her if it bothered her the way things were.She said of course,I said well to bad yor such a self centered person and i told her all it boiled down to was her daughter seeing that picture of her.She said no it wasnt and we kinda went back and forth.She said well what do you want to do about it?I said well we can sit down and talk about it or we can leave it alone.So we decided we would talk when her and her husband got back.I told her to let me know.Well she never called and neither did I.Thing is i miss her but I hate her for not being there for me when I needed her most.Im sorry this post is long but I need some advise.Do I try to talk to her or just leave it alone--I dont think things will ever be the same.
Yes, I think it was a little out of line for her to call you up and flip out on you when she knew what a bad time it was. She could have been a little more controlled and understanding of your emotional condition.
Despite the fact that the timing was bad, there is still an issue here. When she says your kids ransacked her house, did they? Was there a mess? And were they going through her computer and looking at things they shouldn't?
These are pretty serious issues, and I hope that if there was any damage done that you apologized, and had a talking-to with your children. Because if your kids really did mess up her house and go through her computer, that is still something to be upset about, even if there are other more serious events going on.
Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself. If you want really value her friendship and want her back in your life, then be the bigger woman and try to set things right. Living with resentment and anger hurts you more than it does the other person.
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
Thanks for your reply.And no my kids didnt ransack her house.I guess I should have worded it differently.By no means was there any damage,it was just messy.My other sister in law took them over to a neighbors house so they wasnt there 10 minutes she said.She also said it was a mess when she walkked in.When my sister in law was there she was the one who accidently pulled up the file.My kids are 4 and 9 and they are great kids,always(well usually) courtious and yes even my 4 year old picks up after herself.Thats why it floored me when she called with all that.I did IM her once and we were going to sit down and talk about it,but it never happened.Family members told me and my husband she said she would never talk to us again.Thats why I have left it alone.I mean if she really cared about me and my husband it seems like she would try a little too. Right?
The thing that gets me is when my mother passed I needed her and she just wasnt there.And she could have been.What Im asking myself is.....Is a friend like that worth saving?
Your sister in law's actions make absolutely no sense to me...maybe it runs deeper and she's having marriage troubles or something. But the first thing that goes through my mind is "Aaaah family's...gives your a warm toasty feeling doesn't it?!!!!!!!" NOT!!!!!!!!!! I've had my entire family turn on me when I needed them the most so I'm very aware of how family can be...and friends too for that matter. I'd say that her true colors came out...when something didn't go her way she turned on you when you needed her the most. I wouldn't try to be her friend anymore because she's no true friend...she's proven that to you on your darkest day all she thought of was herself...what a B!!!!!!!!!! Just be friendly when family gatherings come up and don't give her the satisfaction of ruining your fun at gatherings.
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Thanks for your reply.I do think it runs deeper.My mother in law was telling me how good I did at our family gathering by being myself and not letting it bother me.She has been talking to her daughter... trying to get her to straighten things out with us.But apparently she doesnt want to.My mother in law got drunk and told me all it boils down to is jealousy and her pride. I said jealous of what.....she wouldnt talk about it anymore.So now thats got me thinking....The only thing I can think of is we have a better life than her .What I mean is my husband (her brother)takes very good care of me and my kids.And I know they struggle financially more than we do.But I mean she should be happy for her brother and I.We have helped them in the past as they have helped us too.
There is also something that happened a while back,her boyfriend was talking about how hot I was.He would even follow me around town sometimes to try and talk to me,and finally I told him I didnt think my husband would approve of him trying to talk to me .And he left me alone.Could that be it?But she knew about all of that and she knows I love her brother more than anything.I just dont understand it.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but maybe your sister in law is just plain sick of you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but in your original post you talked extensively about you and how much YOU needed her, and how SHE was there for you and so on. I know family is supposed to be there for you, but sometimes enough is enough. Maybe she's tired of always being the one picking up the pieces. Maybe she thinks your kinda selfish and self absorbed and maybe she would like it to be about her for a change. Don't get me wrong, I think her timing was horrible and she should have waited until after your mother's funeral, but I think she had reached her boiling point and lost it. I hope the two of you can eventually work things out, but remember, there are probably times she needs you just as much as you needed her.
I have always been there for her...always
I was always picking up the pieces for her.I was helping her deal with her problems while my mother was slipping away from me.But ya know thats what families do ...they are usually there for each other .... no matter what...or so I thought
Your sister in law was completely out of line to bring up such things on such a hard day for you. She should be ashamed at the way she acted. She owes you an apology. Don't go out of her way for her - you expained that it wasn't you who opened the photo file and were not responsible for her messy house - she really has no reason to behave the way she did.
Just leave it alone, let her come to you with an apology before you talk to her. You gave her the chance to discuss things and she didn't so I would drop it. I think jealousy on her part is a big factor here.