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Old 08-27-2006, 08:17 PM   #1
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It's happening again

Well, I'm kind of disappointed to be here asking for advice again, because, well, I thought I was done needing advice about my life.
Guess not.

So I had been talking to this guy for about 3-4 months. I thought that things were progressing along, tho slowly, but that was fine by me.
So anyway, all of a sudden, I was having trouble having him get together with me. Well one day he was supposed to, but didn't end up calling until the middle of the night.
Yes, I know what that means. Of course I said I didn't want to see him and not to call again, but I am very frustrated.
First off, I don't understand how all of a sudden he just flipped it up on me and turned me into his late-night call.
Second, this is what I get from every guy I meet. That's all the want from me. I don't understand why. I don't what I'm doing. And I find it quite hurtful.

I don't really care so much about this one guy, per se. Luckily I don't get attached that easily (and I'm really thinking that's a good thing right about now), so I can say goodbye to him as easily as I said hello, however, I care that this is just one more person that the same thing has happened with. Why is that all the more I am worth to guys?
What really gets me is the way he even had the nerve to call and try that with me. I mean who does he think he is? Why do guys think they have the right to treat people like that??? It just burns me up!

I don't know why I'm bothered, but I've just been feeling so frustrated and hopeless all week! Will anyone ever really care? Am I being too uptight here?
What am I doing wrong?

 
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Old 08-27-2006, 08:25 PM   #2
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Re: It's happening again

I like to think that our relationships are like sand paper...they smooth off the rough bits in us. You are learning a valuable lesson here from these men.

Firstly..you should be able to discern more now when someone is genuine. You can see the signs earlier in the game and hopefully prevent a similar situation from arising again.

Maybe..you are too open too soon. A little too trusting and naive about men? Dont worry, I'm not judging you, I was guilty of the same thing. I would just trust everybody, wear my heart on my sleeve and not bother to protect myself.

You have the RIGHT as a woman and human being to not trust straight away. We dont have to give everyone a "fair go" if they have not given us good enough reason that they are worthy of a go.

These guys are a part of every womans life...and its a reflection on the guy, not the girl. But if your constantly allowing yourself to be hurt or get entangled in these situations, thats when you need to look inside yourself and say "Okay, I need to protect myself."

Sleeze's unfortunately dont discrimnate. Whether your a stripper or a nun...you'll be a target.

You just gotta learn from these experiences...become more discerning and take your right to protect yourself!
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Old 08-27-2006, 08:35 PM   #3
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Re: It's happening again

HI LMH That must be very frustrating, I agree! Well, I wouldn't say you're doing something "wrong" necessarily and I don't really know the details of the situation, but sometimes being available most of the time is not a good policy. Just something I learned in life. If a guy was supposed to go out with you that evening and then basically stood you up and called in the middle of the night, the best course of action would have been to ignore his phonecall. What did he say when he called in the middle of the night? Did he apologize to you, did he present some kind of a story, at least? Was his story any good, i.e. did it seem like a good reason for not keeping the date and not calling to cancel? If not, I think the guy just totally ruined it. It is NOT a good sign that he would even dare to try something like that with you. If you really, really want to see this guy again, you should make it clear that you don't tolerate this kind of behavior and tell him not to call you past, say 10 or 11 pm because you don't want to be disturbed at night. He either respects that and shapes up or you dump him. You change the situation by refusing to accept anything less than you feel you deserve from a man.

 
Old 08-27-2006, 08:44 PM   #4
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Re: It's happening again

Well, actually when he did this, I ignored the phonecall and did not call him again. Actually, I erased his number, so I couldn't get bored and hope to work it out. But the very next weekend I got another late-night call.
Mind you, in between those two times, he did not attempt to call me, so I'd say the chances of anything else happening are already dead.
I answered the second week just to say why in the world would you be trying to call this late and he just said he was hoping to see me.
That's when I told him to forget it and not to bother calling again.
But it's like he really expected me to say "Yeah, come on over."

And I just wonder, where does he get the nerve? It's like as soon as they think you like them, they flip it up on you.

 
Old 08-27-2006, 08:50 PM   #5
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Re: It's happening again

The funny thing is... I posted when I first met this guy and I was having a real hard time, due to bad past experiences, with trusting and being laid-back, etc.
Well, I really put a lot of effort into "chilling" in regards to my issues and trying to just let go and be nicer.

Why is it once I start being nicer he thinks he can do whatever he wants. I should have just kept acting crazy. I seem to have better luck that way.

 
Old 08-27-2006, 10:17 PM   #6
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Re: It's happening again

How many women have posted on these boards because some guy they were seeing, called them up late one night for a booty call, and they mis-took it for love. Instead of doing what you did (the smart thing), they let themselves get further involved and ended up with a jerk for a bf. They totally don't see the red flags or if they do, they ignore them. They live in a fantasy world filled with hope that the jerk will somehow magically fall in love with them. You see those same red flags and run in the opposite direction. That's the difference. About 75% (my rough guess) are not really looking for a relationship. They're just looking for someone who's willing to give up a little booty or hang out with when their friends are too busy to hang out or when they're just bored. I can relate to your frustration. I kissed my share of frogs too.

 
Old 08-28-2006, 02:46 AM   #7
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Re: It's happening again

Quote:
Originally Posted by cookiepls
How many women have posted on these boards because some guy they were seeing, called them up late one night for a booty call, and they mis-took it for love. Instead of doing what you did (the smart thing), they let themselves get further involved and ended up with a jerk for a bf. They totally don't see the red flags or if they do, they ignore them. They live in a fantasy world filled with hope that the jerk will somehow magically fall in love with them. You see those same red flags and run in the opposite direction. That's the difference. About 75% (my rough guess) are not really looking for a relationship. They're just looking for someone who's willing to give up a little booty or hang out with when their friends are too busy to hang out or when they're just bored. I can relate to your frustration. I kissed my share of frogs too.

Thats worthy of being quoted I say.
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Old 08-28-2006, 03:56 AM   #8
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Re: It's happening again

Sorry and condolences, that guy is a loser so just move on. But this sort of things are not unique to females alone. Us guys actually go through simular frustrations also.

It boils down to this. "Hope for the best BUT Prepare for the worst" And boy o boy, is there ever enough preparation that you can do ! And seemingly never ending selection work and eliminations to decide too.

First, don't loose hope. i.e. Have faith! That right guy for you IS out there although you do have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get to the right one. And please do be picky. My estimate (from another post, the 1 in 10 million odds gig) was about 650 give or take a few depending on how picky you are. And more picky = less kissing.

Second, don't think in terms of "what's wrong with yourself or what did you do wrong" Don't try to modify any behavior or physique unless it is what you want, not them. Be happy with yourself.

Focus more energy on activities and things that you truely enjoy doing while keeping an eye out for possible connections. If you don't find anyone this way, at least your time is not wasted. If you do find sombody, you'll have a common interest to build upon as a start. It's not too bad either way now, is it?

So get your gloves and lip gloss ready, and go knock them dead...so of speak.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 07:28 PM   #9
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Re: It's happening again

Thanks for replying, guys.
And I'm glad you replied, minijumbo. I have seen your posts around the board and had wanted to tell you I really like your views and enjoy reading your responses.

Well, I guess I'll just have to trust I did the right thing. I'm just so baffled. I swear it has to be something about me - I mean after so many times, don't I have to start looking inward? But I don't know, the few people I have been able to talk to about it always say I am just meeting the wrong guys?
Hopefully, one day I'll find out which one it is.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 09:54 PM   #10
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Re: It's happening again

Hey Lisa,

First off, I think you should readjust your thinking...when men want to sleep with you, don't take it as an insult. That's just the way men are when they are around an attractive woman--it doesn't mean they don't respect you, it just means that they find you desirable and want to be with you physically. It really isn't any kind of reflection of your character...if anything, it should be a compliment when guys want to sleep with you.

That said, I can totally understand why you feel frustrated and lonely at the prospect of men wanting nothing more than sex. But as other posters have mentioned, I really doubt this has anything to do with you as an individual or your behavior. Really, it just means that men want sex, whether they are deeply interested in a woman romantically or not.

In my view, the problem here isn't that you are somehow messing things up, or that you are meeting horrible guys, but instead that you have yet to meet someone who you truly like who wants to be involved in a relationship with you. This isn't something that you can will into existence, unfortunately, but it will happen, and the more you commit to being yourself, setting limits, and not tolerating anything less than what you want and deserve, the happier you will be and the closer you will be to finding Mr. Lisa.

I'm amazed at all the progress you've made here...just think about where you started! You are now a strong, tough, determined, confident woman who takes no nonsense from any guy and refuses to tolerate treatment that falls below the very high standard she sets for herself. I admire that in you so much, and I couldn't agree more with Cookie that it's wonderfully refreshing to see a woman stand up for what she knows she wants and deserves from a partner. You definitely did the right thing, and by refusing to settle for Mr. Wrong, you have fortunately left the path open for Mr. Right to appear just when you stop expecting him...I can't wait for that update! Best wishes and lots of hugs in the meantime

 
Old 08-30-2006, 02:48 AM   #11
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Re: It's happening again

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostMyHeart
Thanks for replying, guys.
And I'm glad you replied, minijumbo. .......... I mean after so many times, don't I have to start looking inward? But I don't know, the few people I have been able to talk to about it always say I am just meeting the wrong guys?
Hopefully, one day I'll find out which one it is.
Just glad to be able to help

As for the looking inward thing, just remember, whatever you decide to do should make you feel better first. IF others find it also beneficial, it's a by product. And that entails all behavior modifications as well as body nips & tucks.

i.e. If you get a new tattoo, lose some weight or learn a new skill, you had better be getting the biggest kick out of looking in the mirror instead of compliments from others.

I get on these forums not expecting to really get any appreciation per se. But I do have some experiences to share and it makes me happy just being able to contribute. I already got my reward when I type these words on the keyboard. Your finding comfort in it just makes it all that much better.

Besides, I just wanted to show the world also that there are good "men" out there, although they do get snatched up pretty fast, just like good women.

Don't be shy about kissing frogs and don't go wondering inwards when they don't turn into a prince as 99.99% won't. Just let it go and kiss another. On the other hand, when you do find the right frog, be prepared to hang on to him and defend your catch.

So good luck and good kissing.

 
Old 08-30-2006, 06:11 AM   #12
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Re: It's happening again

lostmyheart - don't even waste another minute worrying about it. I think it's great that you are so strong and have enough self-esteem to stand up to him and not take his BS !!!
You're doing the right thing, he wasn't respecting you, or appreciating you, and you told him where to go!!!!!

 
Old 08-30-2006, 09:24 AM   #13
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Re: It's happening again

Hi LMH-
I was just checking in and then read your post and HAD to respond- it sounded like I could write the exact same thing! I just wrote a very lengthy response and then lost it, so here goes #2, I'll try to remember all my points.

I had my 1st heartbreak a little while ago (I havent made it a secret on these boards, hehe, so you might remember), and I have found myself in so many similar situations since then. My breakup left me with a huge drop in self-esteem re: relationships for a while, and that didnt help. I actually had the exact same thing happen to me, and the guy was a friend! (Although we were involved in a 'fling' of sorts). He came up from 5 hours away- he lived out of town- never told me he was coming, and instead called me at 2 am. I, like you, ignored his calls, but he KEPT CALLING, and finally i picked up, was ****** and told him to go away, and then the next day when he was sober I reamed him out and never spoke to him again. Then I cried for an hour to my best friend and posted on here But its like you said, it wasnt about HIM at all- it was the frustration that all these guys were turning out this way. I was so thankful when I met my ex b/c I even dealt with these stupid boys in college, and he was different...until he turned out to be the same!
But I think (and correct me if I'm wrong), that a lot of it is also that you want what you had with your ex again- not that you want your ex, but just the love, respect, desire, care, etc. that you had with that person, because once you had that, why would you want anything less with the next person? And so when they turn out to be so far from that, its just like a constant reminder that you don't have that anymore. Thats how I feel at times. It may just be some remnants of healing and thats why it can be so hard to start over!
I also feel like you do a lot, in that I wonder what is wrong with ME. I used to look at it this way: if Im the one that stays the same here, and then I date different guys, and the result is always the same, it MUST be me thats the problem. But I think that it is just easier to turn it inward than it is to shrug optimistically and think "oh well, its just them!" and then go out and do something fun. But the more and more Ive turned it outward and looked around me, now I attribute it more to THEM, the city I live in, and the age group I date (mid 20s- enough said). Plus I agree with the kissing the frogs quote- my mom has told me that since Ive been 15!!
I think that cookiepls also had some great advice about being too open too soon. I think I have that problem sometimes- Im too trusting. And lately, its the opposite!! Which, Im leaning may not be such a bad thing. Minijumbofly (props to you, too, btw for such great, uplifting advice always) also makes a good point about the odds of finding the one for you. I think I used to be naive in thinking that I could find the one for me after just a few guys...haha! Well now I think, that if finding an amazing person for you was so easy, it wouldnt be that special. What makes a true love special is because it IS so rare to find.
So, my advice to you goes along with everyone else, and its what I have to tell myself every day: You have to give yourself some love. Just b/c a guy flakes out doesnt mean that you could have prevented it (and this is something I have to remind myself all the time!!) Also, the more you are down on yourself, bitter toward others romantically, and frustrated with dating, the less-good vibes you will give off. This doesn't mean to walk around with a plastered smile on your face...I just put some faith into the saying that 'you are what you believe'. As for the shady guys, Im starting to believe its just a rite of passage to finding the right one. Some are luckier than others for sure, but at least it makes us tougher, smarter, and more resilient (like someone said on this post w/ the sandpaper analogy). And we become more skilled with the signs of a sketchball.
Whew! I think that was all I had to say. I could not understand more, though, how you feel, so if you ever want to talk Id be more than happy to reply!
*Oh- and one more thing- I know its frustrating to be untrusting, bitter, and wounded from a deceitful breakup, and that you worked on letting go of some of that baggage for this guy, and then he turns out like this! BUT, at least you know you CAN possibly trust again or at least loosen up a bit, for when the right guy comes along. It shows that you're the quality one here just looking for a respectful relationship, and this guy can just go find a booty call

Last edited by lady346; 08-30-2006 at 09:41 AM.

 
Old 08-30-2006, 05:11 PM   #14
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Re: It's happening again

Wow, no matter how many times I post here, I am always amazed at the incredibly generous feedback you all give!!
I guess the truth, although I may not want to admit it, is that somewhere deep down in the botton of my heart, I was thinking... or should I say I was hoping, that love would cut me a break this time....
Ah well, back to the drawing board.
But I really do feel better, so thanks everyone. (I have to say it helps to hear you all call him a loser )

Quote:
Originally Posted by citygirl23
Well now I think, that if finding an amazing person for you was so easy, it wouldnt be that special. What makes a true love special is because it IS so rare to find.
Your post was really sweet, citygirl. But thanks mostly for that part. I need to remind myself of that more often, because I really do believe it. I just forget when I get frustrated!

 
Old 08-31-2006, 10:15 AM   #15
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Re: It's happening again

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostMyHeart
But I really do feel better, so thanks everyone. (I have to say it helps to hear you all call him a loser )
LMH I'll be happy to help you out a little more......
He's a LOSER.......LOSER.......LOSER......with a capital L

Hope that helps! Stay strong! You don't need him!

 
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