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Old 08-28-2006, 06:48 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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confusedbloke HB User
What is going on with me??

Hello, I’m new here and was wondering if anyone could possibly help me out…..

I am a bloke aged 29 and have been married to my wife (31) for 8 years now.

A couple of years ago she had an affair with another man and she initially told me that the marriage was over but there was no-one else. I then found out about him and there was indeed an affair going on. The level of deceit was huge and there is far too much to go into here, well for now anyway.

My wife sadi that it was due to my behaviour (I am in the police force) I was never violent at all but I was apparently un-loving did not want to kiss & cuddle, showed no affection, was’nt interested in her etc….

Eventually we split up with me moving out of the house. I was initially gutted as you can imagine but slowly I started to move on. After about 2 months I decided I wanted to try to get her back, which I did. We then decided to move away from where we were and start again fresh.

The problem is………

I don’t want to be married to her anymore….

I don’t know what is going on in my head but I just don’t want it. I constantly keep on flitting between “I don’t want it” and “I do want it”

The main thing is our 5 year old child.

I have really struggled to get over her affair and to be fair, it did ruin me and every now and then it hit’s me like a train.

I am really confused at the moment and don’t know what to do.

I should’nt admit this but here I go, I ended up sleeping with someone last Christmas and to my horror, did not feel one ounce of guilt, I thought that it was revenge. Not nice I know but there you go.

I like to think I am a decent bloke but quite simply, I feel that the affair hs changed me and not for the better.

I have started to see someone now, and I find myself getting feelings that maybe at this point in my life I should’nt have……..

If anyone knows why I feel like this then please help!!!!

Thanks

 
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Old 08-28-2006, 09:15 AM   #2
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Lagos, Nigeria
Posts: 176
minijumbofly HB User
Re: What is going on with me??

Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedbloke
….

Eventually we split up with me moving out of the house. I was initially gutted as you can imagine but slowly I started to move on. After about 2 months I decided I wanted to try to get her back, which I did. We then decided to move away from where we were and start again fresh.

...
Just exactly WHY did you decided that "you want to get her back" ? Frankly, you two probably have no business being together except in the name of your son.

This is the continuation of a vicious cycle. Betrayal begets deceits and vice versa. But at least you were sincere to yourself that you no longer want to be with her, that was the first step.

Generally, I'm an advocate for the "for better or worse" situtation but I think you have gone too far beyond that. I hope you'll work out a peaceful resolution with you wife and initiate separation soon.

 
Old 08-28-2006, 09:29 AM   #3
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 2
confusedbloke HB User
Re: What is going on with me??

At the moment I am in limbo, I found myself shedding a tear today for the first time whilst talking to her.

I have to be honest and say that one moment I do want to be with her and the next I dont.

I know it's not fair on her but I am really confused. The thought of walking away fills me with dread but when I think about staying, that also makes me think that I wil be dong the wrong thing!!!!!!!!

The biggest problem is that if I do walk...will I end up regretting it and if I wanted to go back, I know she would not have any of it........

I sound like a complete idiot but I seriously dont know what to do.....

And for a bloke who has always been Black/White, this grey area is really starting to do my head in!!

 
Old 08-28-2006, 10:10 AM   #4
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: St. Paul, Minnesota
Posts: 745
minnesotagirl HB User
Re: What is going on with me??

I think it is time to separate. You've cheated; she's cheated. You feel betrayed; she's going to feel betrayed if she finds out what you've been doing. Neither of you are able to treat each other as a married couple should. I'm sure you're going to feel heartbreak and loss and regret. But, if you stay, things will most likely only get worse, and that's not going to be good for your child.

 
Old 08-28-2006, 10:31 AM   #5
Senior Member
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Lagos, Nigeria
Posts: 176
minijumbofly HB User
Re: What is going on with me??

Quote:
Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
But, if you stay, things will most likely only get worse, and that's not going to be good for your child.
Big DITTO to that! You've somehow managed to reach out for help and objective inputs here at this forum. Now try follow the advices.

There is NO garantee that you'll find peace or relief whether you separate or not. But I sincerely tell you, You WILL remain confused and hurt as long as you stay undecided and idle in the grey.

Until you make the jump, the healing will not begin.

 
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