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Old 08-28-2006, 11:23 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Tampere, Finland
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karasik HB User
Unhappy He goes to holiday with his ex-girlfriend

Hello!
It is probably not of the newest subjects, but I have nowhere else to go and no one to ask advice from.

I live with my boyfriend for six months already, but we have been seeing each other for almost two years now. We met quite a long time ago, but we both were occupied. Second time we met...we were both free. My ex-boyfriend was still there trying to get me back and this man really helped me through all the time. He supported me, game me advice and was a very good friend. Gradually we started dating, but as we lived far away frm each other we dated just every second week in Tallinn, where he has an apartment.

I was telling all this so that you could understand that this person means the world to me. I moved from my homeland, left my family, friends and job just to be with him. But...back to the subject.

I have already found the job...so when I woke up early yesterday, when he was still asleep, I decided to work a bit. I started to look for a CD that I needed and as we have lots of them in the closet with no covers the only thing I could do is gradually check each of them. Anyways, during this search I came up with two CD of pictures of my boyfried and his ex-girlfriend in Caribia, Spain and Tallinn together with his son and her daughter. These were pictures taken during the time we were already dating. He went to Caribia as a groupleader, their company was taking some clients there. Every day he called me from there, telling me how much he missed me. And now I find out that she was there too. Well these trips are organized well before, so I thought that maybe they had the tickets when the still were together, so I let it go. Although they were sharing the same cabin there
When he went to Spain we have already been together for a year. He told me he was going there with his son. Again he called and send messages every day...telling me about his feelings to me and that we wanted to move in with me. He never mentioned she was there.
Tallinn has been the place where we have been dating together. But the pictures show that he was there with her...just in between the weekends we were having together. They even went to the party of a friend we both know.
When I asked him about it yesterday he couldn't say anything. He just said that nothing happened there, his ex was broke, as she always is, she was suicidal, he knew it would hurt me, so he didn't tell it to me. They have been his family for a while, so he couldn't leave her like that

I knew he was still supporting his ex financially...but I never knew that two years in a row he was taking her and her kid for a holiday (for his own money). We have always had arguments about his relationship with his ex. He said she is just a friend and there is nothing between then.

Now I am wondering what am I and my feelings then? Why did he think that I would hurt me and decided not to tell, then not to do it at all. How could he call me every day and not mention it... These lies have been there for over a year now and every day and every night...even when I was suspicious he always made me feel ashamed of doubting him.

Can anyone tell me what to do now. I am sure that nothing physical happened there, at least I was, but every hour makes me doubt it more. But the point is that the person I mostly believed in has dissapointed and betrayed me.

Please...help me with what should I do... I am desprate...

Karasik

 
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Old 08-28-2006, 08:54 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sydney
Posts: 111
Chez19 HB User
Re: He goes to holiday with his ex-girlfriend

I can completely understand why you feel the way you do right now. I think that, at the moment, the only thing you can really do is calmly express to him the disappointment you feel that he did not tell you the whole truth about the holidays. Be reassuring that you have no doubt of his loyalty, etc, but feel that true honesty is something you need in your relationship, and that in the future you hope he shows you the respect of being honest with you about anything as important as going on holiday with an ex. Him not telling you and being defensive/agitated about the topic does suggest that he knows he was doing the wrong thing (by not being honest) and most likely feels guilty about it.
I think you also need to establish that, even though they share a son (i think?), it isn't really appropriate for them to be sharing a cabin, especially without telling you. Be supporting of his relationship with her and his son, but don't let him border on leading a double life! Perhaps when the next holiday comes around, express your enthusiasm of going in order of spending time with him and his son, so you can be involved to.

At the end of the day just remember that "he knew it would hurt you", so ideally he should NOT have done it behind your back. Also "She was suicidal" isn't really an excuse for anything. If she is threatening her life he should be investing his money in supporting her in therapy as opposed to taking a secret holiday. I wish you all the best!

 
Old 08-29-2006, 03:52 AM   #3
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Tampere, Finland
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karasik HB User
Re: He goes to holiday with his ex-girlfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chez19
I think you also need to establish that, even though they share a son (i think?),
No they have no children together. She has a daughter from previous relationship and he has a son from his previous relationship too. If that was his son's mother I would probably understant that and had nothing against. But this is something different...I don't mind they still stay friends, but bringing her to Tallinn, where at that moment was our home...just for weekends, but the place we shared
I think of this all the time and it just doesn't fit together in my head...i love this person, I want to be with him, we had plans about family and started to look for a bigger apartment, but now...I don't know.
I know that their friendship will not end and knowing her life she will be suicidal many times...what then...he will just consult me first before taking her to a next holiday...
And the other thing that pisses me off is that we together have never been on holiday...we have spend two vacations together at home, just because he travels for work and on the vacation wants to stay at home...strange...

But...thank you for your answer...I really appreciate that!

 
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