Hi all. Most of you guys know about me being back with young guy, and how well things have been going. I have said b4 that it was probably in large part to him not drinking. Well--holy moly, I was right!!!
Saturday night we house sat/dog sat for a friend of ours at their house. Ordered the fight on tv and decided we would have some drinks. DUMB, I know, but we weren't going anywhere, and figured it was just the two of us...so what could we possibly get in a fight about? His idea to drink, btw.
The first part of the night went well. Lots of talking, telling stories to each other etc.. Then he was drinking pretty heavily I noticed. I didn't say anything, and his attitude started to change. I forget what the first thing was that he said that clued me into, "OH crap...here we go" mode, but lots of comments followed. Everything I said was followed by a comment that I was somehow wrong, I didn't know what I was talking about, or that I was belittling him somehow--which I was NOT.It got to a point where there was NO reasoning with him and I didn't wanna be around him anymore, so I decided to go to bed upstairs. I told him he was being an idiot drunk and there was no point in talking.
He starts with the not letting me sleep, coming in the room and starting more crap. I was yelling at him by this point to leave me alone. He was just going on and on w/, "Oh I'm a drunk...everythings all my fault, you don't wanna be with me...bl bla blabla!!!!"I tried not to get roped in. But did a few times cuz I was getting pretty heated.
He finally says, "what are you just going to go to sleep now??!!!!" (3am, people!!) and I said, "what are you gonna stay up and drink yourself to death?!!" Then I got to thinking. He probably would...so I went downstairs, passed him, and grabbed the bottle of liquor, walked out on the deck and hurled it as far as I could in the woods. I then walked up to him, grabbed the glass out of his hand and dumped it down the sink. I said, "I suggest drinking water." and walked back upstairs. He accused me of hating him, being mean, the whole nine. Exhausting.
Then I heard him talking to someone so I went to the stairs to listen. It was his friend, who was in Vegas at the time, so I guess w the time difference, he took his call. he told him the truth about what was going on, and his friend was defending me it sounded like from his end. He said a lot of "I knows" and that he didn't want to lose me again, and asked him if he thought he had a problem. His friend told him yes. They went on to talk about rehab, and his friend really seemed supportive.
I came back down and asked if he was ok, cuz at this point he was crying. He just kept repeating he had a problem and was going to go to rehab, and he wouldn't drink anymore. That it ruins every aspect of his life. How it runs in his family, how they are all drunks he said. That it sucks that he's so young and can never drink and party again b/c he gets so bad and doesn't want to stop when he starts, and hurts people. I told him I would not ever drink around him, and support him in whatever way I could--but I could not continue a relationship w him if he drinks when he's around me--or really at all, b/c he definitley has a problem, adn I think that means NO drinking for him.
He came over last night and was very mellow, snuggly, and loving. He hugged me for a long time this morning when he left. I know he feels bad, embrrassed, humiliated, etc... He told me he was starting classes and meetings and seeing if he could just stop b/c he wanted to. If not, that he would get more professional help. I told him I thought that was a good idea, and not everyone needs to 12 step, that its an indiviual thing. that he just needed to do what works. His brother had to quit for similar reasons, and has never 12 stepped, and never drank again...so we'll see.
Now it's just wait and see. I am a bit depressed and mourning the great, blissful period we had. I'm scared it might be gone. I texted him today and asked him if he was alright. He said he was fine, and are we fine? and I said we are just fine today, and that I loved him. We talked for a short time tonight, adn he'll be up later in the week.
Question?? What do I do now? Pushing would be wrong, so do I just see if he tells me if/when he starts? I cannot be the least bit mothery guys. Most of all cuz of my age. I also can't have a relationship with an alcoholic. So, guess it's wait and see for a couple weeks? Any opinions.....
Laurie I'm sorry to hear this. You seem to have a good sense of bounderies, so I think the ball is in his court. He will either take this event seriously and get the help he needs, or you will know the crossed line and time for a split. I can empathize with the problem, I left the man of my dreams after 10 years due to his drinking. He was sober for over 5, then gradually resumed his addiction. I do agree that 12 step programs aren't for everyone, but he will need a support system in place. It may be a long-term sober friend for guidance, counceling, or rehab,etc. I just hope he doesn't choose to stop drinking, then ignore the problem like my ex did. If he doesn't come to terms with it, it will mean eventually drinking again. It will be hard for him to accept because of his age, many guys think of their 20's as the drinking years.
You may want to read some ALANON books, they're pretty good. I hope you two are able to talk honestly together about this. Good luck.
Some people become really mean when they drink. Drinking booze when you're taking medication is a particularly bad combination. Encourage him to get help and insist there be no more drinking because it's not good for him and you don't like the person he becomes.
Last edited by Hangin in There; 08-28-2006 at 07:51 PM.
the good part of this is that he definitely doesn't want to be that way. He wants to help himself, he doesn't want to hurt himself or anyone else. That takes a lot, to admit that you've got a problem and speak so candidly about getting help for it. Nobody's perfect, but how people deal with problems tells a lot about who they are, and this guy seems like he's handling this the best he can. Why act differently with him? I mean, like you said, except for not drinking around him, I don't see any reason that things have to change. Sure, it's not something that you want to have to deal with in your relationship...but who ever said things were always going to be easy? If you care about him, just be there for him and treat him normally. Don't dwell on one little setback when you've had so many good times recently.
Hmmm, where to begin? I have seen it all, the triumphant story and the sad relapses. From crazy wild suicidals to lights out drop dead drunks. It ain't pretty, I know.
First of all, there is hope for your BF since he is not in denial. He knows he has a problem and he shows remorse, that is better than many die hard drunks I've seen. He actually knows he needs help although he might not go through with it in the end.
Rehab is not something to be proud of, so often times he might not consult his family but he will listen to you. You will be his beacon anytime he starts to get lost or get tempted. Alcoholism is a sickness, and he'll need love to suppliment the therapy to heal.
This is where you should come in. I would suggest you give him a week, not more than that, before you subtlly ask about his rehab status quo. Too much time and he'll forget about the problem and go back to everyday life thinking it's just one little incident/no big deal mode. He needs someone to take him by the hand to see this thing through. And you are the best candidict like it or not.
Commiting to rehab is like the first day at a new school. People get scared and they back out a lot. You'll need to be there for and with him from the start and follow through with it. Not only does this helps with his problem, it also tests your commitment to each other and creats a special bond in the process. Those did this has the best results and success and the fewest relapse issues.
I've seen more than a few case histories, one of them being my closest friend. It's been 18 years now, he has not touched a drop since that faithful day. (thinking back, it's a miracle that we're both still alive for some of the crazy things that we used to do after drinking.)
These are dark hours for him. Take pity on him if you really love him, he needs you now more than you probably know. Good luck, God Bless.
All I know is, he's amazing and I love him...all this time, w/out drinking. I don't think it's a problem if he doesn't drink. He's caring, loving and sweet to me when he doesn't drink. We have been getting along amazingly well. So I don't think it's a bad relationship if he doesn't drink. We'll just have to see if it holds. I know I will have to let him go if he chooses alcohol over having a sain happy life. I am prepared to do that... I won't let myself be abused, and I won't be anyone's enabler. I didn't think this would be forever to begin with.
He's caring, loving and sweet to me when he doesn't drink.
It's too bad that so many relationships have "qualifiers"......
it's so great when he doesn't drink......beat me.......cheat on me........(fill in the blank)........etc.
Laurie - I hope he does stop drinking, but these kinds of relationships (based on being good as long as he does/doesn't do something) are always teetering on a tightrope.....and usually sooner or later he will lose his balance, and you will feel obligated to "catch" him......and then resentful of it.
You're probably right. But it's been so good, I believe he deserves a chance. Not an enabling gf...but a chance....and seriously--he's not beating me or cheating on me. If someone has a disease, I believe if they are willing to make the right choices for themselves, then they should be given a chance. Not tons of chances, not disfunctional, not "oh well, but he's good other times"..crap...but a chance to see if he really wants to change the drinking thing. If he doesn't then he doesn't. I won't stay with him. I left my H of 12 years for cheating ONCE and I had no concrete proof. I just knew for sure. I'm no enabler with lousy self esteem.. If he drinks again...I won't be around. Period. If he becomes anything less than a respectful boyfriend who cares about me...I'm gone too.
Last edited by laurie864bla; 08-29-2006 at 10:37 AM.
It seems that this relationship has been tumultuous and drama-filled from the start, despite the blissful periods. It also seems to be on both ends. While you may not get angry and mean when you are drunk, hurling a bottle of liquor into the woods seems slightly overdone when it could have just been poured down the sink. Often, we seek drama (especially alcohol-fueled drama) when we are bored or dissatisfied with what's happening in our own lives. Is there a possibility that is what's going on here?
I would end this as soon as possible and take some time to figure out what you want in your life.
Well, you're not in our relationship, and it's hardly been the least bit dramatic since we got back together. That's why I've been so happy. This does NOT make me happy, excited, or seek it out cuz I'm not happy with my life. I was doing just fine when I let him back in, and it has been great---til this.
As far as throwing the bottle, it would have been far more dramatic to pour it down the sink, actually. He was standing in front of the sink in the kitchen, and it would have been slower and he might have stopped me mid pour. I did it impulsively, and I admit I was mad. The deck was a few steps away and I didn't want a fight...I wanted it gone.
We found it in the morning together, when we were looking for his keys he threw later. (found out about that one in the morning...I didn't see him do that, and am not sure why he did it...neither is he.)He picked it up and was amazed it wasn't broken. I just stood there, not saying anything and he poured it out.
If I thrived on drama, I'd be avoiding his calls and making him beg me, which he would. I'm just lying low and wating it out for now to see what he does. He has made me very happy these few months, and our relationship has been nothing like the previous one. Neither one of us want it to be. He is still very young and has been thru alot, but I know he is a very complex human being and he's very private. He's never one to start any drama (except when he's drunk--and it's like a switch has been flipped)gossip, talk about people, or share what goes on btw the two of us. He avoids any stress, adn any drama, and I have been quite happy to have our relationship go on like that.
I'm very turned off about the other night. We haven't talked much since then, and I know he's very tentative and timid acting right now. Keeps conversations short, and just showed me how he felt without words on Sunday night, which was very sorry and very loving.
He just said to apologize would make it seem like he's trying to make it ok. It would also make it like b4, and he didn't want that. So now, it's just 'I screwed up. I'm an idiot. I'm a drunk. I can't lose you again. And I can't drink and I have a problem.' We are very close, and I am going to try to support him if he works hard and does not drink at all around me. Just don't know what to do if he chooses that option...to only not drink around me, but at other times....still bad, but I have a strange feeling he'll think that's ok, and I'm not sure that even our weird age difference and no possible future should withstand that. I'm clueless..... if this is just for now, and he keeps making me happy, but yet still an alcoholic--just not an idiot when he's around me. Does that make any sense?? I'm SO rambling.....sorry!! lol
Actually, you sounded very sure of what you would do if he does not come clean, period. Which is good, cause you are absolutely right to not be with anybody that is angry or uncontrolable whether it is alcohol induced or not.
There is no grey area when it comes to alcoholism. He either stops or he doesn't. If he just avoids drinking around you, he's cheating and it is worse than not trying at all. I suggested giving him another chance only because I have seen simular cases where with family support, the guys came cold turkey clean. One case at 12 years and the other 18 and still running. (Touch wood)
And that means NO alcohol in any way, shape or form. No light beer, no rum filled chocolates, no 'just a tiny sip', no tasting, no special occasions and NO exceptions. Period. Anything short of just that, I would tell you to pack up and run, fast.
It's been a few days since the incident and I believe now it's time to call in his thoughts to rehab. This is when and where there should be an ultimatum, it's gonna be either alcohol or you. If he is not admitted to rehab by next week ending, start packing and don't look back.
BTW. Just thought I'll toss in my credentials since I'm speaking like an authority. I have been in the restaurant, bar, catering, hotel business for over 20 years. I don't think there is any kind of drunks or forms of alcoholism I haven't seen. If it's related to alcohol, I've been there, done it, seen it, and mourned it all.
P.S. Like I said before, alcoholism is a sickness. It takes a lot of therapy, conditioning and love to keep it in check. There will always be that inherent risk of relapse. AND there should be no more last chances from now on.
Good luck, my prayers be with you both.