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What to do?!

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Old 08-29-2006, 12:42 AM   #1
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Alex1110 HB User
What to do?!

Hi everyone

I am a 21 year old guy whose been in my first serious relationship now for 2 and a half years. I love my girlfriend very much, but i am struggling to keep positive. We have a lot of differences. Anyway, I have spoken to her about it, but there is never any change. Its like the relationship is about suiting her, and i should follow if i love her. I know its harsh, but it feels that way sometimes. The main reason for me thinking this is that she isnt prepared to come round my place, so if i want to see her i have to go to her place. When im there i dont get time with just her, because we are always around her parents. Which is fine sometimes, just not all the time. My concern with this now is if i end up with her, will my family be neglected?

I want to go away at the end of the year, and she wont come with me, is it unfair if i still go on my own, even if it is a Contiki Tour? I would never cheat, even if she has her doubts.

But all in all, i dont know if i can see myself ending up with her. I know she really really loves me, and like i said, i love her. I just dont feel the relationship suits me. I am really worried about life after her - will it be a mistake leaving her? On the other hand will i regret it if i stay with her? I know nobody can answer these questions, but any advice/comments would be good.


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Old 08-29-2006, 05:50 AM   #2
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: What to do?!

Hi Alex, and welcome to the boards!
I've been here awhile, and one of the nice things about it is that you can get the benefit of other people's experiences... if you choose to take it!

Everyone wants the first person they date to the their one & only. And of course we love them - no one is going to question your feelings I hope.

But, dating isn't really designed as a one shot deal. If everyone ended up marrying the first & only person they dated it would be a miracle & against ALL odds.
Dating is actually best when over time it gives you an idea of what you really want in someone & what traits are really important to YOU. More dates, more realistic information about what you really need.

One thing that everyone learns (and some people ignore this & end up in the wrong relationship, miserable, or divorced) is that you CANNOT ever expect someone to change something major about themselves. A Habit, a lifestyle, a personality thing.
What you're working towards with each different person that you date is that person who you like JUST AS THEY ARE! Not only that, in all the important areas that will matter 40 years from now, they are like YOU. (Values, morals, ethics, etc.)

The longer you stay in a dating relationship that you know isn't a good fit (no matter how you FEEL about her) the less time you are available to meet the right person!!

Old 08-29-2006, 06:16 AM   #3
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Re: What to do?!

Originally Posted by Alex1110
I want to go away at the end of the year, and she wont come with me, is it unfair if i still go on my own, even if it is a Contiki Tour? I would never cheat, even if she has her doubts.
It is not unfair.....go on your tour!!! Have fun!! She has the option to go with, she declined.....

I don't think this girl is going to make you happy in the long run.....
don't put your life on hold because she's a stick in the mud.....

Old 08-29-2006, 11:59 PM   #4
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Re: What to do?!

Won't go on vacation with you, I can see that because pressure from parents or her own moral issues? But dude, 2.5 years and she hasn't even been to your house? I can't find the words to describe how ridiculous that is. Yeah.. I can see why you're struggling, bud.

Take our advice, this smells like a bad situation. For a relationship to have lasted that long, it is no longer a "difference" in views; she simply isn't pulling her own weight. It may be because she's grown used to your compliance, and has taken things for granted. But in any relationship, things have to progress, but luckily you've realized that it just doesn't seem like they are.

While I agree it's hard to give up on someone you love for the first time, if at age 21, you're already doubtful on ending up with her, chances are you won't. So stop wasting time over this debacle of 2.5 years, because it's going nowhere fast. To answer your question, the only logical thing I can think of that you're going to be worrying about with life after her is all the babes you're going to have to handle at once when you go on that vacation.

Last edited by caladbolg; 08-30-2006 at 12:03 AM.

Old 08-30-2006, 04:12 AM   #5
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Re: What to do?!

Well put by all.

Believe me, at your age, you are a grade schooler at this courtship issue. This is not an insult, it's just the plain unflattering truth. There is sooooo much ahead of you to see, to experience and to learn out there.

I always advice others to explore ALL possible options before they make their final choice. i.e. date a few different people before they even try to go beyond friendship. The exact number would depend on your personality. 10 might be too many for some while 100 is too few for others but most falls within that range.

Don't get attached to anyone just because you think they love you or vice versa. Kinda like in your situation now where you seem to want to hang on to it just because you are calling each other BF and GF. I don't doubt you feelings towards each other but I think the word love is used a little losely here.

If you read some of the other posts here, you'll see many cases of regrets or doubts in prolonged relationships with their first love because love IS blind when you think you are in it.

Give your GF the benefit of doubt for now and a little more effort to try and work things out. Talk about each others wants and needs, work on things that can be compromised etc. But if you continue to grow more discontent with the relationship let's say in the next 6-10 months, don't hesitate to pull the plug either.

For now, go on the tour, have some fun. Life is just far too short to stay coped up in a tiny shell being unsure, unhappy in the name of love. (Love is not like that at all but that's long subject, let's save it for a different time. )

Old 08-30-2006, 07:59 AM   #6
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Alex1110 HB User
Re: What to do?!

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I just want to say she does come round my place, just not very often. Bad wording, my bad! It is enough to be an issue though. And yeh, pressure from her parents means she wont come away with me. I like you attitude
Caladbolg, i guess there are benifits to everything.

Yeh i guess, as you put it Minijumbofly, i am a grade schooler at this stuff, but that makes it harder! I just dont want to regret what i do. I am not hanging onto this relationship because i call her my girlfriend, i do feel very strongly for her, experience aside. I especially like how you said "Don't get attached to anyone just because you think they love you or vice versa". Made me think a bit.

Part of me says i should go out and live life, meet people, go travelling. I find that stuff more difficult than most. The other part of me says i should stay with what i know. Im worried that im being unfair, or i might never be happy with what i have.

Old 08-31-2006, 02:53 AM   #7
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Re: What to do?!

If you ever worry about future regrets, you are leaning more to the the discontentment side and would probably better off if you go explore NOW and decide later.

I myself always advice people to venture as much as they can regardless of age. Explore ALL of life's options before commiting to a place, a person or a career. If you don't like what you see out there, it's not that hard to return to where you started and settle down.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being content with what you have. But as they say, "nothing ventured, nothing gained" Yes, for all things ventured, there will be risks involved. And everybody has a different level of tolerence for risks.

Just ask yourself, when you go to a supermarket, are you the type that looks for different brands of products to compare before you select one or are you the type that stick with the your own selected brand regardless of all the competition?

Old 09-01-2006, 01:53 AM   #8
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Ashlyn_82 HB User
Re: What to do?!'s just like finding a job. i was just reading a book on careers and personalities and said if the company culture didn't suit ur personality,it's time to move on.
remember, when u first got together wif your gf..ok let's make things yourself Boy, and call her Girl. there was the 'PRE-Boy' period for her,where she could do anything she wants , behave anyway she wants. for you there was the 'PRE-GIRL' period where u were who you were. and u two fell for each other because of your characters back then. so why does she want you to comply to her 'relationship/house/whatever rules' that she has now?
example, last time , you were a BLUE coloured truck. and she likes the BLUE colour truck cos the blue is nice,and it makes sounds. but after buying the blue truck after a while she's not satisfied with teh way it funcitons and wants it to FLY. I mean, why did she want the blue truck in teh first place if she was looking for a FLYING truck? she should have just gotten a flying truck and not one that made sounds , right? sounds lame but you see where i'm going?

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