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Old 08-29-2006, 11:11 AM   #1
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Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

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Last edited by HeWillBeStrong; 11-06-2006 at 09:51 AM.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 11:40 AM   #2
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

OK OK I'm here for you and sending you my strength your way. Others have done this for me before and I could feel.

First thing: DO NOT CRY IN FRONT OF HIM. Hold it back, cry later. I know it seems like crying may be a way to get what you want -- show him how much he's hurting you -- make him feel guilty. But this guy has no empathy, he has no way to put himself in your shoes to feel guilty about anything. He's not capable of it.

Second, you can say all that you have in your quotes, but you should keep this break-up short. In order for it to work, you have to keep it short and then cut off all contact.

Yes, that sounds hard --- but honey --- THREE YEARS IS NOT THAT LONG!!!

The things you mention, and what these other people are saying -- to me, it sounds like they are speaking the total truth. I don't think that they would be trying to get your BF back about anything by causing you to leave him. Because you know what, your BF most likely WANTS you to leave.

These people telling you these things have a conscious, and it is telling them that they need to step in and help you out. Perhaps you could even start a friendship with them for support? It sounds like you don't have that many friends yourself. Well, of course it'd be best for you to make NEW friends and start over and distance yourself as much as possible from everything.

So, why does he tell you he loves you and all that? Because a part of him also likes having you in his life as someone to control. He probably also sees you as very physically attractive and he doesn't want to lose that piece of a** he gets, even though he IS getting it from other girls as well. He likes having you to manipulate. And you probably do nice things for him, too, like favors and stuff like that.

As someone who hangs out with pot smokers and drinkers, I know guys like that cheat. That's one of the reasons my BF rarely goes out without me there. And I actually trust him more, but you're right, when you're drunk, you don't care about cheating. He is cheating. You stay with him, you might even get an STD. No joke.

OK so you make this break up short. You cut off all contact with him. Do you have anything tieing you together such as money or shared things? You might just have to let some of that go.

This is going to hurt, but TIME, TIME, TIME will heal. Seriously, it will. And I bet you start to feel better sooner than most. I mean, just not having to deal with all this anymore is going to help you.

Follow the directions I gave you in my previous post about making new friends. Tonight, hang out with someone, anyone. Every day, make a list of things you can do to help you keep your mind off him.

And definately make an appointment with a counselor! That's going to help you a lot. You might even need to take some meds for awhile, but hey, take all the help you can get.

BE STRONG. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH. I KNOW YOU'RE STRONG!!!

 
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Old 08-29-2006, 11:46 AM   #3
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

You don't need to deal with someone that doesn't feel the same way about u as u feel for him! I know its really hard and were all here to support you. But you can't let him get the better of you. Your to good for him. Its ok to cry, but just realize your have bigger and better things for you in your future. . Love is something that 2 people share....if one person doesn't then you know thats not what your looking for. So keep your head held high. An we are all here for you!!!!

 
Old 08-29-2006, 11:52 AM   #4
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

You have made a very important first step by saying you need to leave him and that is very encouraging. You sound like you truly are a wonderful person and my heart goes out to you. This is how you leave him: You give him the same amount of respect that he has given you and that is a big fat O. You owe him no explanation. Come on, he knows WHY you would leave him. Telling him only gives him a chance to talk you out of leaving, and I think he would succeed because you are in a very vulnerable state right now. You cut off all contact with him. Block his number, e-mails, whatever. And this is going to be incredibly hard for you, Hewillbestrong. Probably one of the hardest things you have ever had to do in your life. Look at all the people that are willing to help you. He obviously has some enemies out there, not without good reason. I know this is not news to you but if he is sleeping around he will give you an STD. Possibly one that could screw up your fertility and when you are with a great, loving guy, you will definitely resent that if you ever want to have children. When people say detox yourself, they are right on the money. When your head starts to clear, you will realize how much better you feel and will wonder what you were ever thinking. I was where you are once and let me tell you if anyone would have told me then that I would ever be over him and willing to laugh and think "what the hell was I thinking?!" I would have never believed them in a million years. It will happen if you walk away. And I will tell you what: I check these boards quite often. Anytime you feel like answering one of his calls or go talk to him or something, post a message on this board and I (probably along with a lot of other people) will talk you through it. Do this for girls everywhere that are with an a**hole ruining their life! I know that sounds corny, but do not allow this to happen to yourself anymore. Check your other thread and read what Minnesotagirl wrote. Very well-said. My thoughts exactly. Concentrate on YOU now. As shallow as this may sound, concentrate on pampering yourself with bubble baths and beauty treatments for awhile and just hanging out with friends. Once this poison is out of your life you will find you are ready for friends again and they will come. Please, please, please follow through with this. Keep us posted.
Punky

Last edited by punkybear; 08-29-2006 at 11:55 AM.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 12:00 PM   #5
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

I just wanted to add to make sure you ensure your safety in all of this. Meaning, your physical safety, since there's a chance that he could hurt you. If he does, call the police!!

I agree with punky too---you don't owe him any explanation. He knows why you're breaking up with him.

His ex-friend and that girl are telling you the truth -- your BF is cheating on you.

You've mentioned your mom a couple of times -- can she provide you with support? This may be a good time to tell her everything and cry in her lap, if she's available for that type of thing.

So tell us, what do you want to do with your life? What resources do you have to achieve these goals? What are your hobbies and interests?

Break off all contact. Have no contact with this CHEATER. Do other things to keep you occupied. Name five things you can do, and I'll add five more to the list.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 12:10 PM   #6
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

what exactly is your question?

 
Old 08-29-2006, 12:26 PM   #7
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
what exactly is your question?
She said she needs support and her question was how does she leave him.

Last edited by punkybear; 08-29-2006 at 12:26 PM.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 12:30 PM   #8
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

Quote:
This is how you leave him: You give him the same amount of respect that he has given you and that is a big fat O
Word.

Hon, you're so caught up in how much this jerk means to you, how much you love him, etc. But do you honestly think you mean anything to him? He didn't even want to see you on his birthday. Instead he wanted to go out with his buddies, get wasted, and get into god knows what kind of trouble.

You don't owe him any kind of big flowery explaination. Just stop talking to him. Like punkybear said, just don't answer his calls or e-mails. Delete him from your life. Easier said than done, yeah, but the more time that passes, the easier it will get. You just have to decide that you don't want to be in pain anymore.
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Old 08-29-2006, 12:35 PM   #9
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

Ok ok ok...I was practically in this same situation....I was with someone for 3 1/2 years....Same thing, he'd go out till the wee hrs. of the nite...people would tell me things...id hear all sorts of stuff...But in the end, this guy was such a sweetalker and should've been an actor, cause he sure as hell acted like he wasn't doing ANYTHING... I ALWAYS chose to believe him, and I ALWAYS took him back...And even if we'd break up for like a week over something he did wrong, Id end up the one apologizing asking him back...He completely screwed around with my emotions, to the point that I'd think I was laways doing something wrong..If he'd go out all nite, and not call at all, Id sit and wonder "I must have done something wrong to make him not call me"...When in reality, Id done NOTHING wrong...We had lived together and he would stay out ALL nite...Eventually I found out it was to be with another girl, but at the time, he'd tell me "I was with the guys and it got real late and I decided to stay at my moms" (which he did do, but not cause he was with the guys)...He would use my CELL to call other girls, and delete the #, thinking that I dont look at my bill...I actually called about 8 #'s I found once, and they were ALL to girls he had been seeing, while LIVING with me...Guess what? I took him back after that, he had such a wasy of talking, that I actually believed these girls were lying, not him......BAD IDEA!! Then I found out again...dumped him...He sweetalked me...and stupid me took him back..AGAIN!! Im gonna admit, I was sooo weak!!! I had people telling me "hes cheating on u, I hope u know that" "leave him" all that stuff, but in the end I chose to believe him...EVERY excuse he gave me, I chose to belive...And I was just like you in asking "y should I believe these people?" In the end I realized, I should've believed them....Right now, Im still finding out about people he cheated on me with...I left him for good about 4 months ago..The longest we've EVER been apart...and let me tell you, it was sooooo hard leaving, even after I KNEW in my heart that he really didnt care as much as he said he did...I cried everyday for about 2 weeks...But my friends wouldn't let me fall apart...and right now, Im the happiest Ive been in a loooong time...I realized that I didnt need someone like that in my life, emotionally ruining me...TRUST me, from what I read about your situation, he sounds identical to my ex...Leave him....Leave him...Leave him.....It'll be hard at first, but u can always talk to me and eventually you'll realize that things could be better and that you deserve better...Good luck!!!

 
Old 08-29-2006, 12:49 PM   #10
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by punkybear
She said she needs support and her question was how does she leave him.
Thanks for clarifying punkybear...

bestrong- you've asked this same stuff over and over on different threads and have gotten a wealth of good advice.....what's the answer you're looking for?

 
Old 08-29-2006, 12:58 PM   #11
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
bestrong- you've asked this same stuff over and over on different threads and have gotten a wealth of good advice.....what's the answer you're looking for?
She just needs to hear it again, and again, and again. From someone who has been in this situation, just reading things once or many times on a message board won't force you to take action. Yes, it can get old from people who don't understand, why someone would need to be told something over and over. To most people, this seems like such a no-brainer, "leave him." Well of course. But to stick with it and actually do it, it's hard. I think this time, HeWill needs reassurance from others that he is cheating and who she should believe and then advice on what to actually say and do, etc.

However, to HeWill, it's not THAT hard that it can't be done! Listen to livenlove --- wow, only 4 months and see how she's doing SO MUCH better!! What is 4 months of heartache when you're going to end up with such an improved life? It's nothing! Trust us. Trust yourself. You're going to be OK.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 01:27 PM   #12
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
Thanks for clarifying punkybear...

bestrong- you've asked this same stuff over and over on different threads and have gotten a wealth of good advice.....what's the answer you're looking for?
Before it was always like she wasn't listening to everybody. She was just going to stay with him. But this time she said she needs to leave him and I think that is a HUGE step for her considering she has always said she will stick with him no matter what. She has never asked for advice on how to leave him until now.

Last edited by punkybear; 08-29-2006 at 01:28 PM.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 01:54 PM   #13
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

I think you've realized that it really is in your interest to back off... you have seen the proof with your own eyes - he's done it before. Why wouldn't he again? You know they're not lying because there's evidence and the simple fact of the way he treats you.

Good for you... it's time to stand up and take care of yourself.

I think the best thing for you, to help you stay strong, is to simply write him a quick letter (and I mean quick) or email - and just break it off. If you speak with him it's likely you'll be very upset, and he'll either guilt you into feeling like it's your fault - or - he'll try to make you stay. And neither is a decent option. Send him an email telling him know what he's been up to, you're tired of being treated like an idiot, and you'd appreciate it if he stayed out of your life forever. Block his cell #, block his email address - and sweetie - don't look back.

I know it's not easy, but keep up with friends, your family, and therapy and you will make it through this and in a year you'll look back on it as the best thing you've ever done. Stay strong, do this FOR YOU. You deserve to be happy just as much as the rest of us!

 
Old 08-29-2006, 02:03 PM   #14
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

Like Destea said, he is likely to guilt you into thinking it's your fault. I can definitely see this happening as you already second guess everything you do, anyway. Do not let this happen! Who are you going to believe- him (a lying, cheating dirtbag) or probably a good thirty people that have responded to you on these boards plus his ex-friends. (And if anybody has a lot of ex-friends that says a lot about their character right there.) Destea's advice is probably what you should do- send a short (SHORT) e-mail breaking it off and then block his email address. That's the easy part. Then you have to be strooong. This will hurt but it will pass. And like Minnesotagirl said, he may try to physically hurt you and in this case you will have to have him arrested. Take care of yourself.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 02:11 PM   #15
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Re: Look, I desperately need all the support I can get. I'm begging here.

I agree ... dont even break up with him face to face .. write it down .. go home .. change your number .. block his email ...

The ONLY way to get over this ... now that you KNOW that he is abusing you ... and you may not KNOW it right now .. but say it .. YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED .. and you are not being loved right now ...

Change your number ... fall off his radar ... once you get out of the thick of it .. you can see it from a distance and understand the things that he did were wrong ...

It gets better .. I stayed 8 years with somone that didnt love me .. didnt appreciate me ... walked ALL OVER me .. and I came back begging for more .. and when it was over ... now .. 2 years later .. I am stronger .. better ... and have a WONDERFUL man in my life .. one that I always thought I didnt deserve .. it can happen to you .... once you make that first step away from him.
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