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Old 08-29-2006, 04:45 PM   #1
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LonelyGirl2 HB User
We're engaged but you'd never know it....

I'm a 23 year old female. I've been with the same guy since I was 15. 3 years ago in December he asked me to marry him and I said yes. He is 24 and we both still live with our parents. My main reason for still living at home is to save money..that's a whole different story. Ok, so my main thing is I'm VERY worried about my relationship with my fiance. My first thing is that I don't know that he is really ready to get married to me. We have been together for 7.5 years and we went and picked out rings and so on. He purchased a beautiful 6,000 ring and yet he wont even talk to me about setting a date, money, buying a house, etc. He always has an excuse as to why we must put it off...either work is slow, we need to find the PERFECT house at the PERFECT price (which will never happen because I laugh at his expectations and our price range) and the latest thing he told me was that "he doesn't know how living on your own works"..and he doesn't know if he is ready for that right now. Now, don't get me wrong...I don't know everything about everything but I am willing to learn and do what I need to do to be with him. Believe it or not, I'm not the nag you must think that I am about getting married. In fact, I don't even really bring this up much anymore because it doesnt do me any good. He wont talk to me about it and what do you do when a person just wont talk about it?? I'm not even excited about it anymore...his mom and i were trying to talk about dates and stuff but we both gave up on it since he isn't too interested right now. Also, I took my ring off finally and told him that i wasn't wearing it until he was serious about us and he doesn't seem to have a problem with me not wearing it. We both have enough money saved up that together we would be just fine and he knows it....but there is something that holds him back and i dont know what it is..........which..brings me to the next part of my problem....His buddy Aaron. Ok, Aaron is 100% bachelor who would never get married if his life depended on it. He is scared to get married after seeing his parents divorce and so on. He isn't a "bad" guy and for the most part I like him. My biggest nag is that my fiance spends all of his time with this guy. For example, my fiance works M-f from 8-5. He comes up to see me around 11pm every night...he eats with me for about 15 min's and then he falls asleep within 20 min's and i send him home.... On the weekends we might go see a movie and dinner (sometimes) and then he rushes back home to talk to aaron or help aaron work on his motorcycle... My fiance even goes after work over to aarons house so they can stand around and do nothing... BUT if I were ever to ask him if he wanted to catch a movie or just go out with me after work he would be too tired or having something he needed to do like wash his car. Secondly, he gets up on saturday's at 5 am to go ride motorcycles with aaron ALL DAY...until 10pm....only to once again come over and fall asleep. And what happened just now pushed me over the edge to write in to this board...I was talk to my fiance right after he got off of work. He told me he was going to aarons and I asked when he would be up to my house. He said 10. I got upset because i never get any real time with him and he said..."just keep it up and it will be 10:30 at this rate"..... It hurts me that I have to bargain for his time and it makes me feel like nothing. Anymore I have felt worthless and depressed and I dont know how to fix this problem!!! What should I do about this?? I love this guy and want to make this work but I'm starting to wonder if I should give to ring back and give up..... PLEASE....Am I being unrealistic or asking for too much??? Am I being selfish and should i just let him do his thing??? I know I sound jealous and frankly I am a little because I miss him...I've told him this and he thinks it is my problem and that i spend too much time sitting around and looking for things to worry about... I need to know.... I'm really starting to feel depressed and insecure with my life.

 
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Old 08-29-2006, 05:34 PM   #2
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cookiepls HB User
Re: We're engaged but you'd never know it....

LonelyGirl,

You would be doing yourself a huge favor to forget about marrying him or your username could become permanent. Mrs. LonelyGirl.

He comes over late at night, spends a few minutes eating with you, then goes to sleep. Then on weekends goes riding with his friend. That's it? That's all you get from this relationship? If the only time you're seeing your bf is late at night, I would suspect he's coming over for a booty call, a meal, and sleep. Nothing more. Very convenient for him but it's not fair to you. It sure doesn't sound like love. I'm so sorry.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 05:37 PM   #3
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Re: We're engaged but you'd never know it....

First of all, I think you need to find some more things you enjoy doing on your own, so you won't be sitting around worrying or missing your guy. But mainly, it sounds like the problem here is that he isn't ready for or interested in being in a serious relationship. Even if you could convince him to walk down the aisle and say I do, there is unfortunately nothing you can do to change the fact that he doesn't want to treat you the way a husband, boyfriend, or partner should. Kind of like you can't force someone to feel a physical attraction for someone else, you can't force someone to want a certain kind of relationship if they don't want it voluntarily of their own free will. So basically you need to accept that there is nothing you can do to change him, then evaluate things from there. Do you want to stay with him if things continue the way they are now? Can you be happy that way? If not, don't wait around hoping he will change and accept being less than happy in the meantime, because you'll be waiting forever. It sounds to me like you guys just want totally different things and are in different stages of your lives now, which is really sad, but happens not infrequently to couples over time, especially couples who got together when they were really young. Anyway, I'm not saying you should definitely leave, just that you should either accept him as he is or find someone who is more to your liking. I wish you luck and hope everything turns out well...

 
Old 08-29-2006, 06:03 PM   #4
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Re: We're engaged but you'd never know it....

Thanks to both of you for writing me back so quickly. I really needed to hear what an outsider thought about this whole situation. It has left me feeling worthless and drained emotionally. It's like talking to a brick wall sometimes because he just never see's it my way. He doesn't have to agree with me 100% but I would like to know that he understands where I'm coming from. When I point out what he does it's like he hears me but acts completely clueless to the fact that we spend no real quality time together. I think it's mainly because he doesn't hurt like I do and it doesn't bother him like it bothers me. Maybe he just doesn't love me like he use to but wont admit that either because he hasn't realized it himself or he is avoiding the subject. Either way, it hurts and I just wish things could be different. I do feel like it is very one sided and I'm just suppose to accept it. I feel terrible for getting upset about him seeing his friends...but it's honestly not about him spending time with them. If he would just devote that kind of quality time with me then I would be ok. I guess that's just too much to ask. We have definantly gotten to that stage in our relationship where it's like we've been married for 20 years and the spark isn't always there....in fact, is it still there at all...??? We've gotten WAY past that point where everything is cute and perfect and the other person can do no wrong..lol...those days are long gone. And I would hate to marry him right now or ever if I have to constantly beg him to spend some real time with me. I mean, I keep thinking to myself...If you love someone don't you WANT to spend time with them???? I know I do with him.... :-(...

Last edited by LonelyGirl2; 08-29-2006 at 06:10 PM.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 07:37 PM   #5
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cookiepls HB User
Re: We're engaged but you'd never know it....

"I mean, I keep thinking to myself...If you love someone don't you WANT to spend time with them????"

Absolutely! And it's not about how long you've been together either. I speak from experience.

Your bf clearly shows by his actions and even his rude threat of coming over at 10:30 instead of 10:00 that the few minutes he spends with you is obligatory. Maybe he did fall out of love or maybe he's just taking advantage of your easy nature. I don't know, but in any case, he needs either a wake up call or a swift kick out the door. Coming over that late and not really spending any time with you is just plain rude.

Veronica is right you know. You need to find some more things to do that you enjoy to stop worrying and missing him so much. Maybe while you're doing something you enjoy, you'll meet someone else.

 
Old 08-29-2006, 09:37 PM   #6
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Re: We're engaged but you'd never know it....

I agree, the kind of man you would want to marry would never view spending time with you as an obligation and try to negotiate down the amount of time he spent in your presence. It sounds like the relationship has pretty much run its course if you are already feeling like the spark is gone--you guys are way too young and not even married yet! So if you're already feeling like the best days of the relationship are behind you, it's not a great sign. Anyway, I hate to be overly negative here, but I don't see much in your posts to be upbeat about, sorry to say. I really think that you could be much, much happier with any one of a number of great men out there, and I hope you decide not to settle for less than what you want and deserve in a guy. It can be terribly scary to give up a certain partner, even if he has major flaws, for the uncertainty of being single and on your own, but the alternative is even scarier. I would hate to see you waste more time on someone who doesn't even bother to pretend to sincerely care about your feelings and yearn to spend time with you. No one deserves to feel so unloved and unwanted by someone they care for and treat well!

 
Old 08-30-2006, 05:35 AM   #7
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Re: We're engaged but you'd never know it....

Like other posters have said, I believe the spark is gone. No matter how "busy" you keep yourself during the day, 10 or 15 minutes a day spent with your fiance before he passes out is not a quality relationship. It would be one thing if you both were students and working full time or something along those lines, but he chooses to spend every night during the week with his buddy. He has effectively put you on the back burner, and he threatens to put you even further away when you voice discontent about this.

This is not grounds for a healthy marriage. I don't think it's grounds for a healthy courtship for that matter. If he doesn't want to spend time with you during the dating years, what do think will change if you marry? You'll get to watch him sleep more maybe. You'll probably even feel worse since you'll be his wife that he doesn't want to spend time with instead of his girlfriend.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are still very young, tho, and have your entire life before you. The man you will marry will love to spend time with you and never put you on the back burner. Don't settle for anything less.

 
Old 08-30-2006, 07:14 AM   #8
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browneyed-babe HB User
Re: We're engaged but you'd never know it....

When are you spending time together? Seems like you really aren't spending any time. Coming over at 10-11pm is an inappropriate time for visiting anyone. If he is seeing you only at that time of the night there is definitely something wrong. Especially if he devotes every Saturday to a friend. He is being a jerk.
Make yourself unavailable. If he wants to come over at that time say no I am sorry but that is too late and stick to it. And by no means give him any sex, he has not earned your love to deserve it. If he can't come over during the day then tell him not to bother at all. Make other plans with friends and if he wants to come over say I am sorry but I have already made plans. Don't sit around and wait for him - you are still young - enjoy your life! Once he sees you can get along fine without him then he will either want you to make time for him or see that he wants to be on his own. You can't change his behaviour only your own. He is either just being an a** and taking advantage of you or he wants out and doesn't know how to do it or the third option is he is making time for another girl.

 
Old 08-30-2006, 08:47 AM   #9
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Re: We're engaged but you'd never know it....

maybe your BF and Aaron are closet homosexuals.......

just a thought.....

he's rather be with Aaron than you.......

I'd rethink this relationship. You're miserable now, and you haven't even started your life together due to your BF immaturity, disinterest, and apathy.

I'd start walking and not look back......

there's more out there........

start looking for it.

 
Old 08-30-2006, 09:11 AM   #10
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LonelyGirl2 HB User
Re: We're engaged but you'd never know it....

It's so funny that you mentioned the homosexual thing. My uncle said the exact some thing but I assure you that he isn't gay. However, I did get so mad one night that I asked him if he was gay because he'd rather spend time with aaron!!! Maybe that was uncalled for but I don't regret saying. I feel like he has made me very insecure and unsure about myself. I don't feel like a strong girl anymore ( i use to) and if I keep going on like this it will get worse. I can see myself married and miserable and that would make it that much more difficult to get out (when you are married I mean). It is always easier to walk away now. The whole idea of leaving him scares me. Please hear me out... leaving is what I want at this point because I am so unhappy in our "relationship" "together". I can't lie to you all though and act all big and strong about any of this. It's hard for me to just walk when I've given my heart to him and built almost 8 years of my life (life love, first time, etc.) However, I do agree that walking is what i need to do.... I guess I just don't feel strong right now and don't know what steps to take in recovering from this. I think that maybe I'm in love with the idea of how he use to be...not how he is now. With that said, I agree with all of you. You have all given sound advice that I have taken to heart and will use. I appreciate all of your words and help with this situation. It isn't easy but it could be worse. I think in some ways I'm scared I'll never meet someone who will love me like I would think anyone would want to be loved. I don't want to be alone and what if I have missed my chance of finding a great guy because of the guy I'm with now. I don't even know how to meet guys or where anymore. I know that I'm only 23 but I feel so much older for some reason. I think it's again, because of my insecurites that I feel this way. I'm being paranoid and negative when I shouldn't be. He just wont even let me talk to him. He has mental games that he plays. I'll try to bring something up and I'm always careful with how I word things....I never start in with "YOU DID THIS ..or YOU DID THAT..." I always say something like "I feel like...." so I'm not so direct with him... I thought he might talk more if I worded things better (what a bunch of bull). This didn't work. He will tell me that I'm the one with problems and that I need to just get over it or accept him. Yes, he actually said that to me once. Gosh, I read what I type and I feel so .... pathetic. Why have I let a guy do this to me????

 
Old 08-30-2006, 10:16 AM   #11
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Re: We're engaged but you'd never know it....

OH, don't beat yourself up over "letting a guy do this to you." You didn't really let him do anything. I mean, to me, he sounds like the typical 24 year old guy. They can be SO into their friends at that age! I think that if you tell him you're leaving him and then take the action of cutting off contact with him, if he loves you and wants to be with you, he'll change his ways and come crawling back to you, ready to do whatever it takes to make you happy. If not, then be glad you broke it off, because it wasn't worth saving. He might just need a HUGE wake up call. Or he's just not that into you anymore. Being with the same person since age 15 is tough. You might regret marrying him. I got married at age 21 to a guy I met at age 17. I left him a couple years later because I found there was so much more to experience in life that I couldn't do married. I obviously got married way too young. You're still young, so if you find out now that he's not the right guy for you, then at least you have LOTS of time left to have fun and meet someone else. But who knows, maybe he'll come crawling back ready and willing and wanting to make you happy. If not, then good riddance!

 
Old 08-30-2006, 11:18 AM   #12
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Re: We're engaged but you'd never know it....

You're not pathetic You're human, this guy was your first love, and you're now realizing it might be time to move on.

Don't get too overwhelmed with all of these uncertainties about finding someone else, whether they'll love you, etc. The bottom line is: You know how this guy makes you feel. Deal with that first. Don't worry about being alone. Remember that if you're alone, he won't be making you feel like crap. That's a really good feeling! Think about it. Does his behavior make you feel good? I don't think so. Can you talk to him about it? Is he receptive to you when you talk about this? It doesn't sound like it.

So alone = not feeling bad because of the way he treats me.
Staying with him = feeling bad because of the way he treats me.

It really sounds like you need activities/persons in your life to make you feel good about yourself again. This man hasn't been helping you in this regard. And that's a big part of what a good relationship entails, romantic or not. I think most folks get a warm and fuzzy feeling inside when they know they've lightened someone's day up by an action, words or even just by being present and supportive -- and I'm speaking generally here, not necessarily a romantic interest. You don't seem to have this opportunity with this man. You don't seem to light up his life anymore.

Why prolong this? Get out there and light up a friend's life, offer insight to someone in your life going through a rough patch, take a class or try something new for yourself. Concentrate on you, your life, your friends and loved ones, making new friends, your goals.

I'd be willing to bet that while you're concentrating on these things, enjoying activities that you've chosen to improve upon for yourself and lighting up the lives of those around you, the true love of your life will find you. Maybe it will be this guy, who, after realizing what he lost, after maturing some himself, asks for you to reconsider. Maybe it will be someone else.

Best of luck

 
Old 08-31-2006, 06:50 PM   #13
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Re: We're engaged but you'd never know it....

I thought that I was with the man I would marry...

He ended up going out on me with an old girlfriend and we broke up after years together.

He married her, and six months later I met my husband. Not only a man I love but the RIGHT guy that I love!!!

So, no matter how you feel - don't be so sure that there isn't maybe just a little surprise around the corner up ahead for you, too.

 
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