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Old 08-30-2006, 06:21 AM   #1
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deanl HB User
advice and help needed - relationship problems

hi all, i would like some advice on a relationship issue that i have been in for quite some time. the parties are as follows:

me
my partner
my daughter (from my partner)
my son (from ex-partner)
him (person my partner she has been seeing)

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i had been with my partner for 8 years and have a beautifull and very happy daughter of 7. I also have a son from a previous relationship of 13.

my relationship with my partner has always been a little diffcult and stressed has she suffers from an anxiety disorder and a obsessive compulsive disorder and has been on medication for as far as i can remember. the medication has changed over the years and has gone from seroxat to other anti-depressents.

she is a loving person but easily irritable and loses her temper quite quickly over very silly things. I am quite relaxed and easy going and love her veryu much but over the years i have found the relationship quite difficult. we still love each other and make love regularly however we now live apart. the reason we decided to live apart is as follows:

three years ago my son came to live with us (was living with his mum). he settled in quickly and we got him to school. my partner did not like the arrangement and resented his arrival. gradually things got worse and ventually we decided that things would be better if we purchased another place for her and my daughter and lived in separate dwellings. we maintained a romantic relationship and saw each other almost daily with frequent stay overs and meals together as a family. we actually got on a lot better and planned our holidays (august 06) together.

things changed when she met an individual through a web site. he was 20 years older than she was but she said he made her laugh and fell good. at first i did not take this seriously but then found out that she had been sleeping with this guy and also sleeping with me. i felt like i had been hit by a sledge hammer. i talked to her and we spent a week end together before me and the children went on holiday. we slept together and made love. she promissed to call off the affair and i felt that we had moved on.

i went on holiday with the kids and called her almost daily. she was to join us for the last two weeks. while away i had a call from a friend and while chatyting he mentioned her and he had seen her with his man. i felt quite bad and confronted her in a telephone conversation. she said that she had re-started the relationship with him. i felt gutted and said many things i should not have said. i told her that she should not join us on holiday and decided to cut short my and my childrens stay.

we returned two weeks early. i have spoken much to her about the situation and what happened. she has apologised and said that she has no plans to start any romance. we have ended up in bed almost every day. i feel very confused and have suggested that we attend counselling as it may help us decide how we should go forward. she does not want to attend and says she does not know what she wants.

i would appreciate your views and any advice on this situation as it is wearing me out and making it very difficult for me to reason rationally and with logic.

many thanks

 
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Old 08-30-2006, 10:23 AM   #2
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minnesotagirl HB User
Re: advice and help needed - relationship problems

Well, I would cut off the relationship with her until she decides what she wants and she agrees to go to counseling. I don't think she can be trusted. She told you that she'd break off the affair and then goes to restart it? So, is she going to restart it again? Probably, if she hasn't already. Stop sleeping with her. She doesn't deserve it. Is she even going to tell you if she starts sleeping with the other guy again? I'd say no, she's not. She's trying to have her cake and eat it too. Too bad she's doing this when you have a child together. I also don't understand why she was bothered by your son moving in. After 8 years together you'd hope she'd accept your child. She sounds very very selfish.

 
Old 08-31-2006, 03:11 AM   #3
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deanl HB User
Re: advice and help needed - relationship problems

Thanks, your reply is in line with my reasoning. i feel it is hard to trust what she says now and feel like @@@@.

what is difficult is getting over this whole mess and what effect it will have on the children.

i would appreciate other forum members views and advice.

dl

 
Old 08-31-2006, 06:56 AM   #4
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whatshouldIdo HB User
Re: advice and help needed - relationship problems

Mos def cut her off. I understand your reasoning because of the kids. I have 2 myself. However, I had to learn the hard way to not stay with the father because of the children. Mine are better off with us not together because we don't fight.

If she wants you she will have to decide. If you decide that you want to wait around and see what she wants, then more power to you. But know this too, time heals all and it may be too late by the time she decides

 
Old 08-31-2006, 08:39 AM   #5
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minijumbofly HB User
Re: advice and help needed - relationship problems

Base on what you said so far, your partner is confused right now.

I sensed that your partner requires constant mental and physical contact to stay "up". She is on meds and I'm guessing that "him" probably just spoted a venerable moment and sneaked in for some fun. "him" is filling in where you didn't but I doubt if he will stay forever.

There is one more option to consider if you love her enough to forgive her. Defend your family against the intruder.. Seek "HIM" and have a civilized talk with him to start. No need to be insulting or threatening or anything like that. Just tell him out right to back off, otherwise there will be war.

You'll also have to remind your partner that married or not, you ARE a family. And you have first hand experiences with the break up of one. May be she'll see it more clearly and realize what she is doing here.

Good luck, God Bless.

 
Old 08-31-2006, 11:40 AM   #6
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deanl HB User
Re: advice and help needed - relationship problems

hi

thanx, your advice is sound. i have told her that i have forgiven her and have considered approaching "him". i sent him an email and told him how i felt about my partner and asked him to "give me and my partner a chance to work things out".

he has avoided me and sends my partner messages (sms). i have asked her to to make a decision and that we are a family. i have told her of my fellings and that i want to work through this regarless of what comes out of the other end. i have told her that i am aware that counselling may help us to part rather than get us together again.

i have asked her to make it clear to "him" that she no longer wants to carry on with the relationship and that he should leave her alone. she wants to keep things on a friends level with "him" however i dont think that this arrangement will work. i feel that she should not see "him" for a while as any contact would make it all the more confusing for us both and also keep "him" hanging there with hope.

deep down i feel that he is giving her what i failed to give her but i know that he is also aware of how vulnerable my partner is. i feel that in the short time she has got to know "him" she has formed a bond and finds it hard to let go. i suppose that the fact that she is on medication makes matters worse as she is up and down like a yo-yo.

thanx again and i look forward to further posts. they are supportive and are helping me to see things more clearly.

d

 
Old 08-31-2006, 01:07 PM   #7
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whatshouldIdo HB User
Re: advice and help needed - relationship problems

Just from a female point of view, I wouldn't have contacted "the other guy"...That only makes it worse, in my opinion. The other guy could be spiteful, and keep this relationship going just to spite you.

Good luck

 
Old 09-02-2006, 11:23 AM   #8
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deanl HB User
Re: advice and help needed - relationship problems

update

well we seem to be on track and she has broken it off with "him". spent the last couple of weeks with no contact with "him" and going out with her. we seem to end up cuddling and playing like children. we laugh and sometimes cry. she says she does not love me one day and then she says she does. we have ended up in bed most nights and it all seems like new. the children are away with gradparents so we are free to do what we want.

she has told me that she wants things to be on a friends basis with me. the other guy seems to be out of the picture for now and has left things on a just good friends basis with him too.

i have again suggested counselling and she has agreed. i suppose that this will be the next step. i find it hard to resist her when she makes advances. the sensible thing at this point would be to just try and gradually rebuild the relationship.

i am happy that things are as they are but she talks about him a lot. i find this upsetting but i suppose that i cant expect it to be brshed away in an instant.

where do we go from here??

 
Old 10-03-2006, 12:15 AM   #9
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Re: advice and help needed - relationship problems

here i am again with an update.

we have hit a brick wall. last sunday while i was making some breakfast, her mobile went off with a message. i know i shouldnt have but i picked it up. it was him. i also read throiugh her other messages and got the impression that he has no idea of what is going on (that she is spending time with me).

i sent a message back saying "no more please, i am with dean". she later got a call from a good friend checking up on how she was. he had contacted her friend and asked him to call her and make sure she was ok.

she went ballistic with me and said that she could not trust me any more. i told her that i was unhappy that he is continuing to send her messages and inviting her to go out to lunch , dancing and so on.

she says that she wants him as a friend and the affair is off but does not want to loose contact with him. i have asked her to break contact with him, her view is that it is no an option and would rather finish things with me.

am i being unresonable? it was wrong for me to send the message but i feel that at this time we are all vulnerable. if we are going to make a go of things he needs to be out of the picture.

 
Old 10-03-2006, 03:14 AM   #10
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Re: advice and help needed - relationship problems

I think what you need to realize is that she doesn't intend on breaking things off with this man despite what she tells you. You contacting him will only make things worse. It is going to make him fight for her just to spite you. She continually tells you that she has broken it off with him, then you catch her conversing with him..........and her response is that she doesn't want to lose touch with him! I'm sorry, but I don't believe that you can simply go from lovers to friends, especially when the affair is the "forbidden" type so to speak.

If I were you, I would cut all romantic ties with her. She seems like a very selfish women who doesn't have any respect for your feelings whatsoever. Plus, you guys have been living in seperate households because she doesn't want to have your son live under the same roof as her! I would have nothing to do with her with the exception of your child.

 
Old 12-20-2006, 11:03 AM   #11
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deanl HB User
Re: advice and help needed - relationship problems

Just want to update this thread.

things seem stable and we are together still. quite unbelievable really. she has not been in touch with 'him' for over two months and says that she has dropped everything for me. he stopped texting and sending emails when he discovered that we were spending lots of time together. i dont still dont feel good about the whole thing and actually feel quite sorry for him as he was obviously attached to her.

the good thing is that we managed to keep the kids sheltered.

i understand her when she tells me how difficult my son is as i find it dfifficult too.

 
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