I don't intend to dwell on drama in my life, especially after two seriously damaging relationships, but I am curious to know what you would do in this situation.
I have a kind of indirect boss (he is only 28 though) but he is very close to my immediate boss (he is a regional manager and turns up occasionally at the office where I work). This man showed clear interest in me from the start, and from the start (two years ago), he must have known that I was not/am not remotely interested. I have declined his many offers to buy Christmas presents, to watch a DVD at his house, etc. Now this is not the issue, he is unstable but it sank finally that i was not into him at all. He is actually a womaniser in nature. What didn't sink in maybe was that I was not into his money and posh lifestyle. We had a beer together in a local pub a couple of times but that's all about it. I also used to feel quite in need of friends, so I told him once what happened (I have been once to work with bruises, 2 years ago, the bruises were because a fight with a drunk bf)
Now what annoys me is this: Everytime he is around he tries to wind me up (in front of the new boss, who I really like). He used to say many things, that I would take. But I really feel emarrassed, and I am shy in nature. But this is becoming regular, almost everytime he is in, he asks me "are you still with this SOB?" " I was going to put a glass in his face the other day" (when we were out for Christmas dinner (as an office and our partners). He says that in front of ANY body (some of them are senior managers and they would be in for a meeting).Today, he went "she supports this s--t football team because her violent drunk bf forced her to". This is not a joke for me. I really feel sensitive when he brings up this topic.
What would you do in this situation? I have expressed to him before that I was not happy to listen to this. But he becomes with an aggressive (at least unfriendly) attitude whenever I reply like that. I don't want the atmposphere to be hostile (after all, he has helped me move to my new flat, offered me his place when he was away and when I was still with Dave, lent me loads of his DVDs to watch at my flat ) but I have no clue on what to say to him. Today I just didn't reply, and he was "you see you can't reply to that". I told him that I am not wasting my time repeating myself anymore.!
nina - that guy is an obnoxious insensitive clod!!!!
I think you need to put him in his place.
maybe you could approach him when he's by himself, and say....."listen, I don't appreciate your comments about my personal life. I'm in no longer with that ex, and do not want to be reminded of him in any way shape or form. I'd really appreciate it if you'd respect my wishes."
Then walk away, like you mean business......it's not open for discussion, you don't need to wait for him to bait you.....just walk away. If he brings it up again, in front of people don't engage him, just ignore him or walk away and he will look like the idiot standing there holding the bag.
Thank you Rose for the advice. I have honestly been really firm with him once. He went quiet that hour. Then back to normal after that. It is embarrassing because he speaks infront of anyone (big mouthed women and senior managers alike). I am shy in nature in real life, and his accent is sometimes not too easy for me to understand, so I feel disadvantaged languagewise when he throws a joke that is culturally not decodable to me!!!difficult to understand and I sound like a fool sometimes. I wouldn't mind, but it's been repeated very frequently with swearing involved, not only about my ex but also about his family. (I don't care about Dave at all, but this make ME very self-aware). He told EVERY SINGLE PERSON about MY bruises for two years, for God sake!
What would you do in this situation? I have expressed to him before that I was not happy to listen to this. But he becomes with an aggressive (at least unfriendly) attitude whenever I reply like that. I don't want the atmposphere to be hostile (after all, he has helped me move to my new flat, offered me his place when he was away and when I was still with Dave, lent me loads of his DVDs to watch at my flat ) but I have no clue on what to say to him. Today I just didn't reply, and he was "you see you can't reply to that". I told him that I am not wasting my time repeating myself anymore.!
Next time he starts this, tell him you've meet someone new and have fallen madly. If he is really attracted, he won't like that one bit. Bet he'll drop the subject of your love life then, if not, then try the beer in the face. That should do it.
Next time he starts this, tell him you've meet someone new and have fallen madly. If he is really attracted, he won't like that one bit. Bet he'll drop the subject of your love life then, if not, then try the beer in the face. That should do it.
That is clever I haven't thought of it before.
Sometimes you have just to switch off and filter out what you don't want to hear. I am glad it is not only me who thinks that he is irritating: my new manager told me yesterday when he left "at least we can have a break from him for a couple of hours" so he must know that he's a bit rude.
I would say that when you were in the abusive relationship with your ex, that this guy knew about, he was trying to charm his way into your life, in the hope that he would appear to be the kind caring man you wanted at that time! when that backfired on him, and you didn't show him any interest, he has now shown his true colours, and become aggressive and humiliating towards you.
Like Stronger said this is harrassment and he should be reported asap.
Thank goodness you didn't fall for his charms, abusers often start off as the seemingly kind caring guy!
Thnaks Brook
I see where you are coming from..
Nothing against him and I am not ungrateful (I am normally kind too), but the guy's way of life is not mine (he jokes about wanting to see me high on drugs ). Honestly it is not my scene. I had enough with only drunk. I would love to have had him as a friend, but again we don't match as friends. When we met up once he said that he found me strange (really distant in work, annd outside). I just guess that he was not very flattered. He is a womaniser anyway, but I just want him to stop being unnecessarily foul-mouthed and bossy. urgh.
I just think he is now making fun of you because he doesn't like you anymore. He does not like you now because he once did, and expressed clear interests to you, you happened to have turned him down, flat. Hence now, he wants some kind of revenge, and the only thing he could do is to make fun of you in front of all your important coworkers, and make toilet jokes about your drunk ex. This whole thing is so immature.
If I were you, I would complain to "his" immediate boss, or yours. I can see this can go on non-stop.
If it were me, I wouldn't go back to work again. Point blank.
There are other jobs out there, and I for certain will not let someone make me feel bad continuously, as if there aren't other options out there.
I would show him just how much he was 'bothering' me by moving on to something bigger and better.
If it were me, I wouldn't go back to work again. Point blank.
There are other jobs out there, and I for certain will not let someone make me feel bad continuously, as if there aren't other options out there.
I would show him just how much he was 'bothering' me by moving on to something bigger and better.
LMH you can't run away from all the azzholes in the world. Don't you know the grass isn't always greener? She could go to a new job and find a BIGGER jerk! I've outlasted at least 4 azzholes at my work that made things a little unbearable at times, but I got through it. They've moved on to other things, and it's a nice place to work again. If she leaves, you're right she would be showing him that he was bothering her....she's better off showing him she's not afraid of him and she's not going to let him influence her. Also I believe it was Eleanor Roosevelt that said "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent".
actually it makes sense to leave because you are not sure when the obnoxious guy is going to leave. So you cannot think in the negative view that if you leave you will find even worse jerks to deal with. That could be true but you could either file a grievance and never come back. Or you could stay in the job, file a grievance and fight this problem until the very end and until he stops being wicked.
I had to deal with something like this at my college where an instructor was verbally abusive to me and she tried to humiliate me infront of all the classmates but I got revenge on her by sending a detailed and angry grievance to her supervisor and she never acted rude to me again. Her demeanor and attitude changed 100%. So it also depends on the supervisor or boss. If the boss is a weak person or an evil person him or herself then they may do nothing and allow the abuse to continue. You have to examine your work enivornment and see if your work enviornment is evil or is it just the one person. That is what should help you determine if you should leave and never return.
I don't think that I am going to give up a job for a jerk like him, like Rose said, you never know if things will be better, although I was looking for a more challenging afternoon job. I have a morning one which I really like but only part-time.
Now while this guy is a manager, he has absolutely no authorities to tell me what and what not to do. I was not employed by him and I am not accountable to him in any sense. The difficulty is that only me, him, and my direct boss share the office.
Now I have poste a long post and deleted it. I got uncontrollably tearful on Thursday ( I hate that) but he was really nasty. I was late for an hour (for the first time in two years but I am on flexible-time basis anyway). I was actually stuck issuing a police register card and the queue was massive. I texted him as his mobile was the only stored number and explained. When I walked into the office, he immediately started winding me up about being late. My boss was not bothered at all, didn't even mention it, and ust talked to me in a friendly way so I didn't dwell on it. An hour later, he went "you come late and leave early"!!! I replied that I NEVER left early unless HE asked me to due to finishing my job (I always had an excellent reputation as a worker, and was really praised by all my employers).
After my boss left, it was me and him on our own. He went "Nina get yourself home!!!!!!". I told him sorry I had a job to complete. He was just showering me with horrible comments about leaving early an hour ealier. He got so irritated, kept on coming over to my desk to see what I was doing (to prove me wrong) and I was actually in the middle of updating a very important file on the system. He went really mean because I rejected his "kind" offer, and he started making me feel useless, saying that i was not doing anything!!
I just had enough then...got so upset...asked him to leave me alone, not to speak to me at all, told him to pass on any comments to John my direct boss. I was literally shaking and tearful for an hour. I started writing my boss an email, and he stood by me to read it. I made a point of completing it to show him that I was not scared of him. It was not a direct complaint but asked him for advice on my work hours (explained that I have always been on a flexible contract but was ready to be in at times that he preferred, and pointed out that I was very open to comments from him but not unnecessary criticism like what happened that afternoon).
This guy pretended he wanted to scan computers. Instead, he read and deleted my email. I have printed off a sent copy and re-sent it without him realising. When I confronted him saying that this was very unprofessional of him, he started apologising saying that he was going through personla issues, he felt like an a--hole treating me that way, he was sorry he hurt me, all that....
He would never have dared treated me like that in front of my old boss, who never liked him.
Anyway, I didn't want it to go further but I have sent a second email, which I think he didnot realise.
Don't know what to do but it got really really suffocating in that office...
I consider his behavior harassment. I would ask your official boss what you can do about dealing with a certain harasser or dealing with harassment in general. Lets see if your boss will help you with that.
But my hypothesis is that your official boss is in on it. He is passive of course to your face but is fuming at all your little mistakes that you made - that you don't even know about. He is using the angry obnoxious guy to get revenge on you. Remember this is a hypothesis not a fact. Only what I see could be happening to you. I know a lot of psychology, sociology and group psychology and know that things work in weird ways like that.
Last edited by strongernow; 09-03-2006 at 09:38 AM.
You ask around, use observation and intuition to determine whether the people there are satisfied and cool with their job or possibly over worked, agitated, resentful and passive aggressive. It is better to use intuition than just go into it blindly without thinking or using intuition about it first. It will not be a perfect crystal ball reading but you at least will have a hunch.
I understand that some people need a job and cannot survive without one. So it depends on what you value more. Eating less food for a while and being happy. Or being agitated by crazy people and having nice meals and clothing but in the end you are agitated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
how will learning about the job clue you in to if there is an obnoxious jerk working there?
Last edited by strongernow; 09-03-2006 at 09:44 AM.
Hi Stronger, thanks for your post. No actually my direct boss John is so supportive of me. On Friday, after this horrible man left, he asked to have a word with me, was so friendly and extremely understanding said that he read my second email (which was open again!!!!! but not deleted). he asked me to ignore this guy competely and gave me his mobile no in case I had any problems.
Now this is good, but the issue is I have to see this guy very frequently and the atmosphere is so charged now esp that it has gone further!!!! He is the only soul n the same office for 10 days now ( my boss was off on holiday yesterday).....so don't know what he will do next. AND he has influence on other senior managers. URGH
flat ) but I have no clue on what to say to him. Today I just didn't reply, and he was "you see you can't reply to that". I told him that I am not wasting my time repeating myself anymore.!
). Honestly it is not my scene. I had enough with only drunk. I would love to have had him as a friend, but again we don't match as friends. When we met up once he said that he found me strange (really distant in work, annd outside). I just guess that he was not very flattered. He is a womaniser anyway, but I just want him to stop being unnecessarily foul-mouthed and bossy. urgh.
