So my on and off bf of over 5 yrs. has essentially broken up with me. We've been having sex most of those years. I am becoming more of a Christian, and he doesn't agree with some of things I think, like waiting til we are "married."
I had been debating being a "born again virgin" for some time, and always the phrase "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" rang thru my mind every now and then. he has been saying he isn't sure that he likes who i am or not so i figured if we weren't having sex then he wouldn't be so distracted from making his decision. and besides, why would i want to give it if i don't know how long he's gonna be around??!? i'd been growing frustrated with the fact that we aren't even engaged and then the religious stuff was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back.
he said he can't be with someone "traditional." what am i supposed to do? think? i have so much love for this man, but because of our differences in beliefs, it doesn't seem like it isn't going to work. please help!
A difference between religious beliefs are always difficult to deal with. Neither should have a say in each other's beliefs. But it sounds like he seems to think that he does. It seems to me that he's telling you he can't be with anyone traditional in order to set an implicit ultimatum: drop the religious thing, or he's gone. I think it's important that you understand that you shouldn't NEED to force yourself suit someone. The question is, what's more important to you: doing something that you believe improves your life, or his objections to your relinquishment of sex? (Hint: it's the former)
With all that said, as much as I hate to admit it, I can also understand why he's upset. After 5 years of happy sex life, it's possible he feels rejected. You're sure that he is aware that it's not him, right?
I don't blame your boyfriend....I'd break up with you too if I were him. You are certainly entitled to your religious beliefs, but you are not the same person you represented yourself to be in the beginning of the relationship. Now after having sex for 5 years you want to become a born again virgin?
LOL sorry, it doesn't work that way. Now that you have no boyfriend, you can be a born again virgin with the NEXT guy......you don't just stop having sex with a man you've had sex with for 5 years and not expect anything to change......LOL
I think it just shows his true colors and how much he really cares about you. If he had intentions of marrying you then it wouldn't be such a huge deal - yes it would take some adjustment but he would have tried. Since all he is interested in is the sex then I would say move on and find your christian man.
Rosequartz---- i'd tend yo agree with you here. When i read the thread the first thing i thought of was well your not really taking into account his feelings and how he leads his life.. you've changed and now kinda expect him to just change for the new you nd not the person he first fell in love with... There should be some compromise here. He takes in account ur feelings about marrage and maybe you's can have a talk about it.. but the sex thing i'm a girl and i'd be prety mad about tat one. you can have sex for 5 years and then turnaround and say i'm gonna be a born again virgin..
I just think that you both need to meet in the middle as aposed to u want him to meet u where u are at, hope that makes sense,.
Well, let's see... You have been intimate with this man for 5 years. So, from a religious sense of view, you are already married. And he can't be "waiting til" since he's already got it.
I assume that you are a born again christian which is great. But you'll have to educate me on the term "born again virgin" here.
So what I see here is that you are now refusing sex until you are married by a priest or reverend which will certainly confused the hell out of your BF. Your being born again changed the rule of your relationship, and sincerely he is not ready to play by those rules.
Unless he adopts the same religious view as you soon, this is the end of the road for the two of you.
I'd have to agree. Ironically I'm getting married to a man who has recently decided he'd like to be more religious as he was trained from childhood. Of course, he's not trying to withdrawl from sex - he's just as interested and intent on continuing that as he has been in the past - but I imagine if he was I'd be a bit perturbed.
It's already painful and confusing enough to be with someone who suddenly takes on this entire different view on life, or even just decides to suddenly be more devout out of the blue - it feels almost like you've been tricked. Somehow betrayed by someone lying about who they were to get you sucked in then WHAM - tricked into being with someone who is completely different!
Therapy helped us, we've come to terms and are still working on this, I hate that he's made the 180 as it's something I completely disagree with, but I support him in going after what he feels he needs in his life. IMO - we have one life - he needs to do what he needs to do to feel like he's getting his all out of it. If focusing on some ideal afterlife makes him feel he has a purpose, then so be it.
I can understand where your guy is coming from, as I felt extremely frustrated when this originally happened. There are days when I'm still a little annoyed that it all happened so quickly - and sometimes I'm worried about having kids - if getting married made him change this much, what happens when the next big event comes along??!?!
But that's the problem with relationships. It's not your fault you're changing, as much as it's not his that he's unhappy about it. People change, it's what makes life interesting and so so difficult all at the same time.
For some people. religion (or lack there of) can be a deal breaker. It's a very personal, serious thing! Because I view it as SO personal, I can deal with someone else having a different set of beliefs, but that may not be true for a lot of people.
in the beginning of our relationship, i was actively Christian---so no sex. He entered into the relationship on this notion. But then things kept happening and next thing I know it's years later, i hate myself, hate my life, everything seems purposeless. I find myself going back to Christian teachings, and voila, here i am today.
But nonetheless, I see what some of you are saying.
His original response flabbergasted me. Basically he said baby, whatever you need, I can wait. We'll work it out. You know this brought me much delight.
But then we got to talking more and he wanted to know when I would have sex with him again---and then we got into a heated discussion trying to discuss the difference between a legal marriage and spiritual/emotional one. We both get the difference but he says "so would you have sex with me before we got engaged?" and i answer that i won't until i know that he's committed to me as a husband.
i'll have to get back on this later---gotta run really quick.
Ah, that changes things. He knew what he was getting in to! I think it's fair of you, at this point, to let him know how important this is to you. He can either accept it or not - but after 5 years, I can't say anyone can blame you for wondering when it's going to be a true 'full' commitment. Good luck
I must say I tend to agree with your boyfriend, too. You've been intimate with him for five years, and now you've had a change/epiphany/realization; not him. To suddenly expect him to not want/expect sex from you and put marriage on the table, all big changes in his eyes, is not practical, nor very realistic on your part.
How would you feel if he decided he wanted to become a Muslim next week? Both Christianity and Islam have very strong moral beliefs and ideals, but if the shoe were on the other foot and he were developing Islamic ideals, could you really blame yourself if you just couldn't go along for that ride?
I think the best thing to do is find someone more suited for you if you're sure this is the route you want to take religiously.
ETA: I've just read your most recent post which explains things a lot better and sheds a different light on this.
I agree with Destea. And after five years, I think it's perfectly normal for you to want to know where your relationship is headed long-term.
Last edited by StenoLady1; 08-31-2006 at 08:38 AM.
He may have entered the relationship on the notion that you were an active Christian, but you chose to have sex with him at some point in the relationship. Who knows what the dynamics would have been had you remained celibate. Maybe he would have moved on, or maybe he would have stuck with you and accepted a relationship with no sex until marrigae. But now, to do this 5 years later, you can't expect him to accept this change.
Try to put yourself in his place and imagine him after 5 years of affection telling you that he can no longer have any physical contact with you. No deep kissing, no arms around each other, no being alone together because all this would be too much of a temptation for him. Would'nt you feel at least a little deprived?
If he wasn't going to marry her AFTER 5 YEARS, folks, he won't marry her now anyway, sex or no sex. If it's marriage you are looking for, it's time to move on and start looking for men who share your goals. After 5 years, I'd say it's way past time.
it basically comes down to this, religious beliefs or not...
he has been saying for awhile that there are certain things about me he doesn't like, for instance, he insists i am emotionally unstable, get unneccessarily worked up over things, and that I have personal insecurities, all of which I can see some truth to and I believe there is a relationship among the three.
If you are not sure where something is going, you can feel insecure. When your bf insists you are something that you don't think you are as bad as he insists, he hurts your esteem to know you aren't pleasing him. As far as getting worked up, I do tend to be rather passionate about things, and I confess that I can do it in ways that is more aggressive than assertive and that hurts people.
But back to the main pt, it comes down to this. If a guy isn't sure whether he wants to be with me or not, why would I keep having sex with him? If he says he doesn't like things about my personality, whether the things are really there or not, then I have reason to believe things will end. And if I think things will end soon, sex is something much to intimate for me to give.
I don't care what happened in the past---if you dont know if you want me now or perhaps for the future, then continually making love like its gonna last forever is really setting yourself up for a blow and I don't want that---that's unhealthy---talk about low self-esteem!