Hey guys. I'll be brief. I've been miserable for the past 2 weeks. My gf of 2 yrs broke up with me bc she caught me in a big lie. To give you a just a rundown of what happened, I went to my cousin's wedding about 3 weeks ago. I bumped into this girl that I had already known thru my cousin and she tells me that she's coming down around my area to visit my family. I was like, here's my number, i'll get a bunch of people and we'll show you the nightlife. Completely harmless. I'm a very social and friendly person so i didnt think that was a problem.
So the next time i hang out with my gf, she asks me all of these questions about the wedding. I didnt know what was going on so i told her all about it. she then proceeded to ask me if i had given my number out to any girls in the past month or so. I said no, bc i just didnt feel like getting into another fight. She kept asking me and i kept denying it. Ladies, i know, i should've told the truth from the start, but i really didnt want any conflict. I knew i did nothing wrong. I already knew i had dug myself into a whole. She finally then called me out on it and told me that she accidently logged into my myspace and saw the email my cousin's friend wrote me and my response back to her. My jaw dropped. I shot myself in the foot. I know I should've just fessed up but i felt like she was just going to give me a hard time. She was devestated and said we were done.
We've been broken up for 2 weeks now and I just don't know what to do. Everything just happened to fast. I've never cheated on any of my gfs before and she still thinks i messed around with that girl. There's more to the story but I just want to know how to mend things. I am so in love with girl, it's crazy. That whole life pushed me over to the edge and I'm just reaching a road block trying to gain her trust back. We're still talking right now trying to work things out but she says she doesn't know how she can ever trust me again. This whole ordeal has affected me in so many ways. She has done everything for me. She is me world and I just f-ed everything up. How can i get her back. Everytime we talk on the phone, we keep going in reverse. She keeps bringing back what happened. One night i got so frustrated, i left my phone at home and just went for a long drive. Once i got back, i see 7 voicemails and some texts saying how much she loves me and was so worried about me. I mean, i just wanted to breath and get my mind off of things.
Our relationship was not the healthiest one. My friends and family have told me to move on but i can only follow my heart. I've sent roses, made a card, done pretty much everything i can to get her back. I feel like i'm running out of things to do or say. She says that she wants me to prove that i can earn her trust back. What do i do?!?!?!?!
How could anyone "accidentally" log into your myspace and read your messages? You would have to accidentally type in your password, hit login, then accidentally go to several different screens before clicking on your email and then accidentally selecting the message in question . Give me a break. You may have lied, but she is not exactly being honest and trusting either. And you wouldn't have probably lied in the first place to avoid a scene if she wasn't such a snooping, insecure, jealous, and untrusting gf (not a gf worth having in my view). I'm sorry, but if she can't let this go and forgive you, then she's not worth keeping anyway. If she really loved you and wanted to make things work, she would be willing to try and work it out. I hope she comes around soon, but if there is nothing you can do to change her mind, then you are going to need to move on at some point. Good luck. Have you thought about having the other girl explain what happened to your gf?
Last edited by Veronica_Mars; 08-31-2006 at 04:21 PM.
it's not even that. it's more than the phone number. it's the fact that i denied everything. she had trust issues from the start with me. i dunno why. maybe it's because i'm an extremely social person, my job requires me to go out and network. she is insecure don't get me wrong but i feel such a huge void without her. it's been already 2 weeks and normally i would feel a lot better at this point but i still feel the same way when she told me it was over. i've been trying to concentrate on work and what not but it's been hard. i've been trying to hang out with friends but it's still hard. i want her back. i just play it over and over in my head that i should've just told her the truth.
I know a part of her wants to give me another chance. I have a really huge temper which gets me in trouble alot and i'm really trying to resolve this issue. She tells me straight she's scared of me sometimes. I have never hit or anything like that but i really want to control my temper. She says that's another reason she doesnt want to be with me. Right now, she's giving me a shot to gain her trust back. we're still broken up but that's where we stand. i need some help on how to gain it back bc she still doesn't believe anything i say.
get ur temper right. my ex had such a 'default black face' that i was scared without having him do anything, till the extent that we quarrelled everytime,every single time we went out because i was too quiet. and i was so quiet and dint reali dare to talk cos he just looked so scary. too many quarrels plus trust issues made us break up. there's a lot more to it but this is just the main part. im in a whole new rship now and i see how much trust makes a difference. it's a WHOLE lotta difference. i understand why she just cant be with you and why u two are so unahppy ... basically there's just no trust to be found in the relationship. ever wondered why she's so insecure? perhaps it's cos u're too sociable etc but, im sure she shld know you better than just being the 'so sociable' guy. like trusting that you wouldn't trade the world for her let alone a girl who's harmless. and right u should have just said the truth right from the start though, though u wanted to avoid conflict. that's a lesson learnt.i did that many times before and shot myself in the foot a trillion times.so NOW, i learn to say the truth though it's nt exactly nice. she's giving u a chance 2 prove urself, that's gd enuf.some girls totally shut thd door. be good,u dun haf to purposely show that she can trust u. it's all about,naturally doing things. be urself. dun .. well u know,purposely create incidents to display how trustworthy u are. and so on. i don't really know how to put it but i hope you do get me. and if u two ever get back together, which i believe u will, pls, dun ever put urself in a situation where you have to LIE to avoid conflicts.ie.if the same thing were to happen,ie the cousin's friend and all .... try to prevent it.rather,dun get urself into it,and if you do,well please say the truth. u never know she could be surprised that u're so DARING to put the truth out onto the plate and prepare for war. and it could make her see that u're honest. hope it helps.
goodluck from Singapore
It didn't sound like you had much of a relationship to begin with. Veronica is right, she shouldn't have been snooping around in your email. It's obvious she never trusted you in the first place. This is just her excuse to break up with you because there was never any trust there to begin with, you just told us so.
Without trust, there can be no relationship. Period. She never trusted you. That's why you never had a relationship. And she's obviously insecure and can't handle a relationship anyway. Why any guy would want to date such an insecure little girl is beyond me.
This is a toxic relationship for both of you. You'd do well to change all of your numbers and have no further contact. In the long run, it will be better for both of you. That's your only option. If you get back together, you're going to have exactly the same problems you had before because neither one of you is going to change. So, it's a waste of time to keep trying to get her back.
I'm really sorry all of this is happening, I know how much it can hurt.
Trust issues are so tricky. You think you can just build it up, and it'll all be okay. But most of the time it's a lot more difficult. If your girlfriend was insecure to begin with, she may not be able to let go of this. It's like her worst fear realized (even though nothign happened) and sometimes people just fixate on that, even if there's evidance that it's not as bad as they think.
When it comes to 'winning her back'...it seems you're doing all you can do. I don't know what she really wants, or what she expects. Building up trust takes two people, in my opinion, and not just the person who lied or did the trust breaking. You have to be in it together, or it's not going to work. It's not completely and totally up to you to build this up, she also has to work on herself. This may have pushed her over the edge, but you said there were reasons she was insecure even before this. If your relationship was stronger to begin with, I think you'd be able to move past this. Yes, lying sucks and it's scary when the person you love lies to you. But if there's no history of cheating or lying, then try your best to chalk it up to a mistake. No one is perfect in relationships.
I think you are doing all you can do. You are showing her that you're willing to work on it, and that you're very sorry. I know it sucks when there's not much else you can do, but the ball is sort of in her court.
I truly wish you all the luck in the world. Feel better, please.
Well, I disagree with some of the other girls' posts and think that yes you obviously did have alot of love between you and relationship that has lasted 2 years so in my opinion you did have a relationship.
As far as the email part, she knew the password so she wasn't snooping - she has access to it, if she wasn't meant to have access to it she wouldn't have the password. The email was not accidently opened though unless it was the last email in your box because this one automatically opens when you open the account - well it does in my email. Somebody may have tipped her off which is why she looked at your email. You are right that if you think you did nothing wrong then you should have told her right away. By your hiding it and then lying about it repeatedly it was giving her the message that you had something to hide. Now that you have done this the seed is planted in her mind and it will be difficult to erase.
I think the only thing that can mend this is time. You have done what you can at this point with the exception that you could be a little less social with other girls. This "social" behaviour as you would call it can definitely make her a little insecure and this is maybe what she wants you to "prove" to her.
Just think how you would feel if you found out she had another guy's number and lied about it - how quick would you jump to conclusions if her behaviour was the same as yours.
I am a believer that when someone is insecure there is usually a reason why. That is something you both can sit down and talk about - ask her why she is feeling that way, mind you you have fueled her fire with this one but it can be overcome. Just try and make her "feel" she is the only one you want. Flowers, etc. are just things, yes they are nice, but what she wants is you, actions speak louder than words. Be more open with her and tell her when things happen from now on. You also have to curb that temper. When you get angry just walk away - take a walk, a drive (you have done this before) etc. No girl wants to be with a man she is afraid of. Yes, you are entitled to get angry, everyone is, but to what extent is another story. Maybe you could sign up for an anger management course - this may prove to her you are trying.
My ex boyfriend...lied to me about something, that I found on the computer...my computer I may add. My discovery was kind of an accident, I clicked the wrong history link and it opened to one of his online accounts. When I asked him about it, he freaked on me denied it all (I mean I was looking at it and he was on the phone yelling crazy things at me) and kept denying it. Then you bet I did some real searching and found way more than what I had bargained for. He still denied everything. Lied lied lied...and it seemed almost easy for him to do it. Did he feel bad in the end...yes, did he have regrets, yes, did he love me, I think so, but sometimes now wonder. Anyway the thing is right from the first time I asked him, I just wanted him to admit it, own it and tell me, so I would know it was nothing, or didn't mean anything or whatever, I was dying inside for him to fix this. And he just flat out freaked on me and kept lying. In the end I emailed him some of what I came across, and finally he stopped lying. But he never truly ever owned it. It came back to my past behavior, every other relationship issue and what he assumed was a lack of trust. To be honest there was a small window of opportunity where he could have done something to help, to make it better for us, but once that passed, there was no going back. You may be in the same boat. I'm not passing judgment on you, just sharing here. The thing is he can't do a thing now. No matter what he does or says I see him differently and us differently. He can't do anything and I can't change the way I feel. We all make mistakes and screw up. Sometimes the consequences are huge. I hope your girlfriend comes around for you. But I can understand her feelings.