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Old 08-31-2006, 04:09 PM   #1
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myblusky HB User
Relationship ended due to undiagnosed depression

I've posted in the depression forum as well, but thought I should post here too. Maybe someone can offer some advice here to help me get through this.

My fiance broke up with my around the second week of July. We had been together for three years and living together for two of those years. The first year was great, but then we moved across state and things went downhill. We ended up moving 5 times in two years. I was sick for two months. We lost all of our savings and had a rough time with employment.

During this time I would sometimes get down and depressed. I would be negative or cry or get angry. It wasn't continuous and I didn't go into any big depression where I couldn't get out of bed or anything like that. It would just happen for a matter of hours or maybe a few days of me being sad.

We finally moved to Chicago when he got a good job that he enjoyed. He thought everything would be better, but I actually got worse. I became more angry and frustrated with my life and part-time job. I couldn't find a full-time job and wanted to go back to graduate school, but knew that would take time.

Finally he said that he couldn't take it anymore. He said there wasn't enough sex and my hopelessness was too much for him. During this time he tried to counsel me which was probably a bad decision, but his education is in psychology so I guess he thought he could help. He kept telling me to be more positive and to make friends and do things for myself that made me feel better. We once discussed if I had depression, but then that just sort of went nowhere after I expressed I was afraid of medication.

When he first broke up with me I said I would change and we got back together for 5 days. We had great sex several times and I kept my moods in check. I thought everything would be ok.

Then he came home on day 5 and said that it was over because he had feelings for someone at work. I cried uncontrollably and begged him to go to counseling with me. He said he would go, but that it wouldn't give me the results I wanted.

During counseling I was told I had depression from all of the stressors we went through. The counselor asked that neither of us make any decisions on moving out until we had 6 weeks of therapy. He said he would only go to 4, but after week two he had started looking for a new apartment. By-the-way, the counselor said that he had problems he needed therapy for too and that it wasn't all my fault.

During therapy he said that he thought less and less about his co-worker and didn't think he would be with her. He still insisted he should move out because he needed to be on his own for a while to deal with his problems. We agreed we would talk for a month and then meet before making a final decision on our relationship.

One week after he moved out he ended our relationship and said that he was thinking about his co-worker again. He said that he lost all romantic feelings for me and that he couldn't get those back. He also said he couldn't walk back into this apartment and this life even though I was going to counseling and working on changing.

I keep feeling a sense of blame that I didn't see my depression sooner. I've never wanted to hurt anyone and I didn't want to loose my relationship. I've lost 15 pounds during this time and weigh less than 100 pounds now. I'm still going to counseling and I'm going to see a psychiatrist at the clinic to get an evaluation for medication.

I have never grieved like this in my adult life before. I cannot begin to describe the pain and sense of loss that I feel. The uncontrollable crying, loss of sleep, loss of appetite, vomiting, and sadness are so unbearable.

On top of that, my parent's are so worried about me and so are my cats! They follow me everywhere in the apartment now. I feel badly about everyone being worried about me. My ex-fiance is now off enjoying his new life and I'm in this state of absolute despair.

I can't help but feel like I screwed this up so badly. I know we will never be together again and it hurts so much. I feel so lost.

I don't know what anyone on this message board can do. I just feel like I'm hanging on for dear life at the moment and need any words of wisdom to get me through this.

Thank you for listening.

 
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Old 08-31-2006, 04:17 PM   #2
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HeWillBeStrong HB User
Re: Relationship ended due to undiagnosed depression

Oh, gosh...I really can't give you advice because I am in such a similar situation...I just wanted to say how truly sorry I am that you have to go through this. I know the pain you're talking about, and it's unbearable.

I will pray for you. I really am sorry..this is a very good place to post though, the people are very nice..I'm glad you found it. Please try to feel better, though I know how hard it feels.

 
Old 08-31-2006, 05:11 PM   #3
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punkybear HB User
Re: Relationship ended due to undiagnosed depression

I guess I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry you are going through this, too. A broken heart physically hurts. I know the feeling you describe: the vomiting, you don't feel like eating, etc.. All I can tell you is that you are in therapy so you are headed in the right direction. This probably sounds like the last thing you want to do but I have read somewhere that 30 minutes of exercise at least three times a week is as effective as prozac. That is amazing to me. This will also help you get your appetite back. And this may sound stupid but you have your cats For some reason pets are the best therapy, at least for me. They love you unconditionally and there is something so calming about a purring, sleeping cat. I can't really help you, I guess, just wanted you to know that things will get better. Your ex-fiance sounds very insensitive. But enough about him. You work on helping you right now and it at least sounds like you have taken the first steps. Keep posting. You will find great support here. You are also in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

 
Old 08-31-2006, 05:12 PM   #4
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punkybear HB User
Re: Relationship ended due to undiagnosed depression

I guess I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry you are going through this, too. A broken heart physically hurts. I know the feeling you describe: the vomiting, you don't feel like eating, etc.. All I can tell you is that you are in therapy so you are headed in the right direction. This probably sounds like the last thing you want to do but I have read somewhere that 30 minutes of exercise at least three times a week is as effective as prozac. That is amazing to me. This will also help you get your appetite back. And this may sound stupid but you have your cats For some reason pets are the best therapy, at least for me. They love you unconditionally and there is something so calming about a purring, sleeping cat. I can't really help you, I guess, just wanted you to know that things will get better. Your ex-fiance sounds very insensitive. But enough about him. You work on helping you right now and it at least sounds like you have taken the first steps. Keep posting. You will find great support here. You are also in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

 
Old 08-31-2006, 05:15 PM   #5
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: Relationship ended due to undiagnosed depression

It may not seem like it now, but I think you are going to be better off on your own. You weren't happy with how your life was going. You had to make sacrifices and align your life with your fiance's, so you weren't able to do just what you wanted with your life.

But now you're free. You have a completely clean slate, and now you can do whatever you want. To me it sounds like part of your depression was caused BY your fiance. I mean, if my boyfriend wasn't supporting me through my rough periods and had the gall to tell me he was going to leave me because he wasn't getting enough sex...I'd be depressed too.

This is a blessing in disguise. So think only of all the possibilities the future holds, not what you could have done to change the past.
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The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

 
Old 08-31-2006, 05:16 PM   #6
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Nina000 HB User
Re: Relationship ended due to undiagnosed depression

I am really sorry you are going through this!!!
OK, first of all, you have not lost! a bf of three years who won't support you through the lows is not worth a minute of your time!!! I know it is easier said than done, and am sure that the shock of it must have been really intense...but try to look ahead, what a loser!!! Studying psychology and breaking up with you for depression? It doesn't say much about his professional self. But anyway, if you could, try and not internalise the fact that you are depressed into your mind much....think about it as a temporary stress due to rough times..very common trust me. MANY people, me included, live it.
Try to change the circumstances that made you depressed. Fight them. Prove to this loser that you don't need him to get better. This would be an interesting challenge
Look after yourself, and yes keep us posted please

 
Old 08-31-2006, 07:27 PM   #7
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myblusky HB User
Re: Relationship ended due to undiagnosed depression

Thank you for all the support. I do have to defend my ex to some degree because we didn't know I had depression. Before he moved out I only mentioned it to him briefly that I had this.He just went quiet and it didn't lead to any discussion. He said that my behavior wounded him.

I didn't know how bad my depression was until after he called off our relationship. He was still mostly under the impression that I had a behavior problem. Yes, I know he has a degree in that area, but I guess he didn't see it. Sometimes people don't see it. It wore on him though. It wore on me too.

My therapist has told me depression isn't a behavior, it's a disease, but its gone undiagnosed for two years so it took a toll on my ex-fiance. It sucks so much that I didn't see it sooner and neither did anyone else. It didn't take the therapists long though. I wish I had gone sooner so my relationship would have survived.

 
Old 08-31-2006, 08:21 PM   #8
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punkybear HB User
Re: Relationship ended due to undiagnosed depression

This is not your fault. First of all, can I just say that I am a communications major and even I could have told you from the behavior that you described that you were depressed? That is a no-brainer. And he studies psychology! Well, that is beside the point. You have help now and you will continue to get better and better.

 
Old 09-01-2006, 06:19 PM   #9
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myblusky HB User
Re: Relationship ended due to undiagnosed depression

It's just very difficult to deal with the regret right now. I'm writing him a letter to explain what was going on in our relationship. This isn't to get him back or anything else. If that were the case I would send an email instead of a written letter. i just thought he should know I've had depression for the past two years.

I feel such despair that this wrecked my relationship with him. I know he was struggling too and he felt very helpless to do anything. Sometimes people close to us don't see it either.

I just can't seem to get myself out of this constant blame that I didn't know sooner. Our relationship wouldn't have ended. It causing me so much pain that I hurt him in the process. This disease is so terrible. I've been crying for hours today over this. I feel so drained.

 
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