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girlfriend is gone to college now I'm worried..

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Old 09-01-2006, 01:39 AM   #1
J S Machine
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girlfriend is gone to college now I'm worried..

Hey you all, this is long but I appreciate your time.

I am the guy that posted the topic about 3 weeks ago entitled ď1 night left, how would you spend it?Ē A little background info. I am 21, she is 18. She just moved to UAB, about 100 miles away to start medical school. She wants to be a Doctor. I work 50-60 hours a week second shift in a small town, (our hometown), and I donít get out much, lol. We have dated seriously for about the past 2 years. She and I recently separated because we both knew it would be best with our situations. We vowed to remain best friends because thatís the way it was before we ever dated. Now she is doing some things that arenít that great and I am just so worried about her I donít know what to doÖ.
She has been very honest since moving and I guess the reason is because she doesnít consider us in a ďrelationshipĒ anymore. Itís almost like now, it doesnít matter to her anymore what I think. She moved on a Sat Aug. 19th, and it took her until that following Wednesday to call me. I made up my mind that I wasnít going to call her and bother her. I knew she would be making new friends and hanging out with different people and I didnít want to interrupt her with a phone call at a bad time. I donít know her schedule. I have held up my end for the most part. I know that she probably feels like she has to call me or I will get upset, but I donít want her to think like that. I want her to want to call.
We both had pretty much come to an agreement to split up because of our different lifestyles. It was kind of something I wanted back then (to separate), but now that I know how it feels to be alone again, it just sucks. She told me that she needed some time to see what else was out there and to see if she could find any better. I know that sounds really mean, but like I said one thing we are is honest with each other. At least as far as I know she is being completely honest. She told me to give her some time to make sure she wouldnít screw up what we could have. She also said that at the moment she just doesnít trust herself and that she doesnít want to hurt me. I understand.
She has really turned loose since she got up there. She has met a lot of people and some of them, as I am sure you can probably imagine I wouldnít want her around. But, Iím trying to keep my cool about it, because I know that the best thing I can do for her right now is just support her. I feel like if I give her space and let her do her own thing, she will respect me a lot more-even if it is just as a friend. I donít ever want to loose that, cause she is such a cool person. She is just so fun to be around, even if we arenít dating. She and I made a promise to each other on the beach that night that no one would ever come between us, no matter if we dated someone else or not.
For the sake of understanding I will refer to my ex as ďBĒ and her roommate as ďKĒ. B and K went to school together and K is a very good church going respectable girl.
B has been doing a lot. K is just not the same as B, and I think that K doesnít want to do a lot of the things that B does. According to B, K is a ďlightweightĒ, in other words, she doesnít really want to go out and party and drink and dance like B is doing. I know that they each have their own crowd of friends because of this, and from what I can tell, B does a lot of things without K. Therefore, K may not be there to stop her if anything happens. I know she is not Kís responsibility, but I just wish that someone could halfway control her, or keep her from making mistakes she might regret.
Last Fri night she went out, and she said that she outdrank some guy, and probably got drunk. She says that she remembers everything that she did and she never threw up. They went to a club and she said she danced for 3 hours straight. And she said that she did some type of stripper contest where she gets up on this pole and dances. says she didnít take her clothes off or anything. the thing is, she had this really short cutoff denim skirt on - and if she was wearing that she was wearing a thong. I know that for a fact because she always does with a skirt. Well, she supposedly hooked up with some guy and went back to his room and did everything but have sex with him. She said she was afraid because she didnít trust him and she didnít know who he was. I know all the details - she told me, but Iím not gonna get in to all of that. She says she stayed up till 5 in the morning. My big thing is this. Do you think she is lying? I donít know. She didnít call me until 4 pm the next day. Thatís when she woke up.
I reminded her on the phone the other day when we were really talking to each other about the fact that she was wearing that skirt and that God and everybody probably saw her *** while she was on that pole. She became really upset with me and told me not to remind her of it, because the last thing she needed was someone else telling her about it. So apparently, a lot of people did see her *** that night, and she realizes she shouldnít have done it. I am like so embarrassed about that, and I know she probably wasnít really sure of what she was doing because she was probably pretty drunk. But I mean how would you feel if you were in my shoes?
Another thing that bothers me is how much time she has on her hands. Her mom told me that she wasnít gonna make her get a job, unless she wanted to, and so that just makes more free time. She has 2 or 3 hours a day of classes, maybe 4, and then after that itís whatever. She has no curfew. I guess that people can sleep wherever they want because she has stayed with a guy or two and she has talked about people staying with them and things like that. In other words, nobody has to be in his or her specific room at night. They are in a dorm with 8 floors. More room for trouble.
I was really hoping that I could teach her that she is worth a whole lot more than what is between her legs. Apparently itís not working though, because its just like she canít help it. She is a very sexual person. You could almost call her a nympho. I asked her the other day what she really felt about sex. She told me that she felt having sex with someone was ok, if you didnít show that person your whole inner being or your soul, like say, if you were really in love with them. I re-informed her of the dangers of disease and pregnancy and all the other reasons, and she still says that it just doesnít seem like such a big deal. I asked her what she thought her mother would think of her if she knew that, and she said her mom would probably hate her. I told her she was right, and I just told her that she ought to have more respect for herself.
She had originally planned to come home Fri Sep. 1, but she changed those plans to Sat. instead. She called me today (THURS) and said that she had went out last night and got in at about 4, and I knew she would probably go out tonight and tomorrow night too. I kind of remarked that she just couldnít miss that partying on Fri night, and she agreed. Is it really that important to her?
I have a few concerns: I mean, could she really be that in to the party scene? could she possibly throw away the relationship we had and turn to that lifestyle and be more happy? I feel like a total *** while Iím sitting here waiting for her to make up her mind, and I feel like I am a total idiot for doing it. I feel like she has got me on a string and she thinks that she can just use me. Itís not gonna be that way as far as Iím concerned and like I said, I just donít know what to do. Should I just let it go or what? I want to be her friend, but I donít want her to have to feel like sheís got to be my friend. I want her to want to be my friend. You know what I mean. She has done a lot of things that I may never know, but it sure would make me feel a little better right now to know the truth.
I donít know exactly how I feel right now but I do know what is best. I know that I should just let this go and move on, because there is no possible way we can have a relationship with her living the lifestyle that she is up there, and me being here. I feel like she is a really good person deep down, but I may be being fooled. I may have been being fooled all along. I feel like if I go out and try to start dating other girls, she is gonna realize what we threw away, and change her life just for me. Say Iím in another relationship. I am going to want to go back to her, because I know I probably wonít find anybody like her anytime soon. Then, I break the other girlís heart. I am not worried about my own feelings; I just donít want to hurt anybody like that. I know the possibility of her coming back and realizing she wonít find anybody better is slim, but still I am hanging on to it. I know it would be best for me just to forget it.
I know that she is gonna come back for a long time any ways and see me every now and then just because she wants to sleep with me. I donít mind that, but I donít want to put myself at risk because she may not remember who she has slept with the way she is partying and drinking. In other words I wouldnít want to sleep with her after she has been with a couple of guys up there, and she may have caught something. I believe that she is smart enough not to do that. I told her that she could always come back and have safe sex with me, because Iím not gonna sleep with anybody else. I told her that I didnít want her to feel like she had to rely on those guys up there for sex. I figured that would help her a little bit and make it to where she doesnít feel like she has to sleep with just anybody. she has told me herself that out of the people sheís been with, she enjoyed it with me the most. So I mean until she finds someone better, I think she will always come back. Iím not trying to brag or anything, Iím just telling you all the way I expect her to act.
Iím sorry this was so long and thanks for reading it. Thanks, John

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Old 09-01-2006, 01:59 AM   #2
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Ashlyn_82 HB User
Re: girlfriend is gone to college now I'm worried..

whoa..js..i hope u're still online when i post this. if u r,stay online. im coming up wif the next post.

Old 09-01-2006, 02:03 AM   #3
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Ashlyn_82 HB User
Re: girlfriend is gone to college now I'm worried..

i'll cut it short.not really nice to be hammering away on my keyboard in a quiet office.

i just think..u shld just give her up? are u even gonna be used to her lifestyle if she returns to u.

Old 09-01-2006, 03:31 AM   #4
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Norfolk, UK
Posts: 482
Willapp HB User
Re: girlfriend is gone to college now I'm worried..

Hi JS,

I really think you've got to let her go completely, otherwise you're just hurting yourself. I can totally understand wanting to stay friends given that you made the mature decision to break up mutually before she went away to college, however it's obvious from your post that hearing about her new lifestyle is hurting you. Try as you might, any advice and opinions you give her whilst she's there ("be careful" etc) is probably just going to sound to her like you're being over-protective, even if you genuinely are just looking out for her best interest.

College is a difficult yet exciting time for most people - it's their first time away from parents and close friends with whom they may have developed a certain image over the years. Now they can find a whole new personality amongst new people, and generally be less inhibited than they were at home.

Knowing all this, I think it's going to be tough for you to get through this without getting her out of your life, because you're going to want her to stay the same old "B" that she's always been to you, and yet she'll become a whole new person that you might not know/understand/like that much. It's not your fault, it just happens.

I don't think there is anything wrong with getting in touch whenever she comes home, as she might appreciate a familiar face, but keeping in regular contact whilst she's away is just likely to upset you with her new lifestyle, and she might feel the obligation to contact you becomes something of a burden to her.

I'm confused because you seem to realise the futility of the situation:

I know that I should just let this go and move on, because there is no possible way we can have a relationship with her living the lifestyle that she is up there, and me being here.
And yet you say things like:

Say I’m in another relationship. I am going to want to go back to her, because I know I probably won’t find anybody like her anytime soon. Then, I break the other girl’s heart. I am not worried about my own feelings; I just don’t want to hurt anybody like that. I know the possibility of her coming back and realizing she won’t find anybody better is slim, but still I am hanging on to it.
You NEED to move on. She wasn't fooling you all along about being a good person, she's just a different person now and that's ok for her, but obviously not for you.

I would also strongly recommend NOT sleeping with her if/when she comes home - this is only going to prolong your feelings for her and make it harder to move on, and you're right to be concerned for your health, because there is a real possibility that she might catch something, from how it sounds with her attitude to sex. Alcohol + sex with strangers = trouble!

Don't be too disheartened though. You may be miserable for a while, but use this time to focus on YOU and what you want from life - get some new interests etc and eventually you will be ready for new love.

Old 09-01-2006, 05:20 AM   #5
Join Date: Jul 2006
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Bracelet HB User
Re: girlfriend is gone to college now I'm worried..

I've got news for you: She's in college, she's going to try to have fun. Don't take that away from her! For the first time, she's away from home and trying to take advantage of her time the best that she can. You did the right thing by letting her go, because now she can really go out there and see what it's all about with no strings attached.

But for you to keep trying to stifle her is not fair to her. You're not in a relationship anymore. So what if she has a lot of time on her hands? It's not up to you to go to her mom and complain to make her get a job. That's wrong on so many levels! If she knew you did that to her, she'd be livid. I'd never speak to you again if it were me.

The point is, you need to understand that college is the first time that most kids get to let loose for the first time and experience things. You need to give her an opportunity to see what it's all about so she can look back on her college years and realize that she did take full advantage of her time. She will have plenty of time for work when she graduates. But right now is her time to be a college kid. Do not take that away from her, unless you want her to completely resent you and start hating you.

It's not up to you to tell her what to do. And you should really be trying to go out with your friends more often so you're not so focused on what she is doing. Who cares what she's doing, she's not your g/f anymore! Live your own life. And if she calls, great. Talk to her. But if not, then you're not doing yourself any favors by sitting around the house waiting for her call. You're wasting your life. Go out there and do something, for pete's sake! Sitting home feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of time.

Last edited by Bracelet; 09-01-2006 at 05:20 AM.

Old 09-01-2006, 07:42 AM   #6
J S Machine
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Location: Wetumpka, AL
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J S Machine HB User
Re: girlfriend is gone to college now I'm worried..

I know you all may have picked that up the wrong way, but I never called and complained to her mother about the job thing. I rode with her to Birmingham and I had no way back other than with her mom. Lets just say that me and her parents don't have a great relationship. Anyway, her mother was just talking, and she just happened to say that they were going to try and cover for a lot of the bill as long as they could. She said that she didn't want her to have to because she wanted her to concentrate on school.

I know I shouldn't be worried about any of these things because she is not with me anymore. I kind of feel like I have the friends thing mixed up with being in a relationship. Like I feel the same about her now even though we are just friends.

I have no intention of screwing up her opportunity to have fun. I want her to do all that she can while shes there, I just want her to be safe. I have a bad feeling she is just going to get in to a situation she can't handle and the outcome is going to be awful. I know it wouldn't be my fault, but I would absolutely go nuts if she called or turned to me(and she will) when something bad happens. I mean what am I gonna say? "I told you so"...

I do want her to stay the same as she has always been, and I hate to know that she could change. I'm not gonna stand in her way though, because I just want her to be happy.

Alot of things you all have said are true. She has always had a curfew, and she has always lived in a small town. Now she is free to do whatever she wants in a Big city. Birmingham, AL. its not huge, but compared to our little town it is very big. and I mean this going out thing is like every night!

As far as not sleeping with her, I know that it will fade with time but we have one of those bonds that is just absolutely awesome. we are both crazy about each other. I have been with several girls and she has been with some guys and we both agree how much we match emotionally and physically. I know it sounds weak of me but its just kinda one those things where I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to turn her down, no matter what.

Old 09-01-2006, 12:54 PM   #7
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redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
Re: girlfriend is gone to college now I'm worried..

Well, you guys decided to separate before she left. So I"m not sure what you're waiting for exactly. You said in your last post that you knew she would be a big partier. That she was looking forward to being away from her strict family so she could cut loose. And she's doing it. Isn't this why you didn't stay together?

I can't tell from your posts whether this is more about the relationship or the sex. The relationship, it would appear, is most likely over. If you want to keep in touch with her so you can sleep with her when she comes home, I hate to say it buddy, but that's probably all that it ever will be. You'll have the hard task though, of making sure you understand that when she does come home, it will likely be nothing more than a friends-with-benefits thing. And I hope you'll have the smarts to protect yourself, because you certainly do have reason to worry that she's slept around, and you'll basically be sleeping with every guy she's had sex with (and that includes "everything but sex" too).

Old 09-01-2006, 01:59 PM   #8
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 679
Bracelet HB User
Re: girlfriend is gone to college now I'm worried..

I just don't see the point of waiting around for her to return from school. It's like, even though you decided to break up, you're still putting your life on hold and waiting for her to come home for a visit so you can get busy with her again. That's kind of really lame for you to do that.

What you SHOULD be doing is going out with your friends and having your OWN good time right now. You're single and you're not attached, and your only limitations are YOU right now. You never know, you might meet a nice girl out somewhere that you like and can develop a new relationship with, which will render this old girl just a memory for you.

But my point is that you should not be waiting around for someone who is totally, totally moving forward with out you. For you to do that does not honor yourself nor give yourself an opportunity to grow on your own as your own person. Geez man, give yourself a chance to learn who you are right now, because you have the time without the distraction of a girlfriend, and for you to not take advantage of it right now is stupid. It's just stupid, and you'll be kicking yourself in the head later when you're saddled down with some lame chick that you settled for just because you didn't take the time to be on your own and learn about your true self while you had the chance.

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