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Old 09-01-2006, 02:01 PM   #1
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Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

My best friend and I have had friends with benefits situation for about 4 years.

Background
In those years he has dated and a couple of almost relationships. Me I have only dated. They never turned into relationships. Why have they not probably b/c I was not willing to make the effort. I have sort of been in that mood since me and my ex who dated 6 years ended 5 years ago. I figured though that if I was really into the guy I would make the effort.

My friend with benefits who I love dearly as a friend. Been through a lot with him. He has asked if we could take our Friends with benefits to a new level of dating. He has mentioned that he wants to spend some time with me and not with others.

My response I am just not sure. One if we do take it to the next level and it does not work out I will lose a friend a good friend. Either one of us could get hurt. Just b/c we are friends with benefits does not mean it would make a good relationship.

If it does work well that would be great, if it does not then it will be bad.

As far as a person go he is dependable, sweet, athletic, good friend, mechanicaly inclined, obviously I find him attractive enough for friends with benefits. But love in love more than friends. I just not sure I know what that is anymore.

As far as what makes me think it will not work is I like a man that makes me laugh. we do not have the same humor. We can have a good time,but I never really laugh. My other concern is I am quite jumpy from one ting to another. Meaning this week I want to try and widdle wood, next weekend I would like to try hiking.

I like a person that is as similiar to wanting to try new things as I am. He is willing to try new things, but does not help. for example, I would like to go white water rafting. He would go as long as I plan it. I do not mind planning things but one person alone can not plan things. It drains the one person.

I worry that my personality of jump and his personality of slow and steady even if the relationship does work will wear on the relationship until it disenigrates.

His pitch is well we won't know until we try.

My question do I try or do I just end the friends with benefit and stay as friends. Perhaps I need to find out what love really means? I am not sure I have ever really know.

Confused. Any help appreciated.

 
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Old 09-01-2006, 02:44 PM   #2
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

well since you have such a great relationship now, and good communication, I think you should talk to him, voice your concerns about what you think could be a problem and see if you guys can come to some sort of agreement or compromise to bridge the differences. I think it's worth trying!
Besides you already know you're sexually compatable!

 
Old 09-01-2006, 04:26 PM   #3
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

Quote:
Originally Posted by puppy
My response I am just not sure. One if we do take it to the next level and it does not work out I will lose a friend a good friend. Either one of us could get hurt. Just b/c we are friends with benefits does not mean it would make a good relationship.

If it does work well that would be great, if it does not then it will be bad.
I think that no matter what, whether you give it a try or not, the friendship has already changed. And that there is now a potential for someone to get hurt either way.

If you try it, and it doesn't work, you may not be able to go back to friends. Or maybe you will, who knows?
At the same time, if you don't try it, he may become hurt and cut off the entire friendship anyways. Or you may feel uncomfortable around him knowing he is wanting more and begin to distance yourself.
Or everything could go on as normal.

I guess my point is that any number of outcomes could result from this, and I agree with your friend, that you can never know if you don't try.
So, I don't really have an opinion on what you should do, however, I say if it is fear of what you may lose, don't let that get in the way of your decision. Things have already changed, regardless.
I think you need to look deep into your heart and find what you want without the thoughts of what could happen interfering.
But if you are feeling this unsure, maybe it just isn't what you want.

 
Old 09-01-2006, 04:29 PM   #4
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

I personally do not reckon that 2 people must be similar in nature to create a healthy relationships. I prefer differences. They are what make life interesting. Like, my GF is a piano teacher, and I like to listen to Prince. She wears very elegant dresses and I like to wear very funky True Religions.

I'd like to think that differences create sparks. Like 2 pieces of stone, only when they go opposite ways, or at different speeds, then they can create spark ... see what I mean?! ...

I hope I have helped here ...

 
Old 09-01-2006, 04:35 PM   #5
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

Quote:
Originally Posted by thirty-three
I personally do not reckon that 2 people must be similar in nature to create a healthy relationships. I prefer differences.
I agree - I like people who are opposite as me, too. I think they open me up to new possibilites and ideas.

 
Old 09-03-2006, 08:54 AM   #6
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

Thank you all for your responses. They were all very helpful. It was great to hear others unbiased view of the situation. Perhaps I think a little to much. I should try the approach of discussing my concerns. I know people say the key to good relationship is communications. And I never really thought about the fact that the relationship has already changed.

As I read each post I felt better and better. I was stuck and going in circles about pro's and con's and what may work and what may not. This is a different perspective for me to look at it.

I am going to look at what I want and then discuss my concerns. I will keep you posted on the outcome.

 
Old 09-03-2006, 09:41 AM   #7
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

Did you ever consider the possibility, that the reason neither of you, have managed to find someone new, is because you are already involved with each other? It sounds like your friend is just wanting to make the unofficial, official.

 
Old 09-03-2006, 10:59 AM   #8
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

What does friends with benefits mean? Do tell!

 
Old 09-03-2006, 11:00 AM   #9
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

What does friends with benefits mean? Do tell!

 
Old 09-03-2006, 01:26 PM   #10
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

Quote:
Originally Posted by strongernow
What does friends with benefits mean? Do tell!
Basically, regular, or semi-regular sex, with a "friend" without the commitment of a relationship.

 
Old 09-03-2006, 07:37 PM   #11
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

are you serious? I love that idea!

 
Old 09-04-2006, 08:51 AM   #12
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

Frankly, I believe the sexual revolution created some pretty confusing situations. At least for me it did. This "friends w/ benefits" thang is a prime example of it.

In my days, (trying not to give away my age), you don't get ANY "benefits" unless you are more than "friends". So things were pretty cut and dry. Simple, wasn't it?

In your event, I doubt if it will be "bad" even if it doesn't work out after you try to go beyond the F w/B status quo if you are both comfortable as is already. To venture beyond will probably carry far more reward than drawbacks.

Some people wants simularity while others wants contrast in relationships. So keep an open mind going into these things. BTW, just pause before you get into the "friends w/ child" thang. That one really really mess me up.

 
Old 09-05-2006, 08:28 AM   #13
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

Everything said about friends with benefits is correct. This is my first experience with it as you can see it has moved in a different direction. This will be my last experience with it.

I agree think carefully before making the choice of friends with benefits. Two people in any kind of situation brings complexity.

 
Old 09-05-2006, 08:31 AM   #14
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

so puppy are you giving it a shot?

 
Old 09-05-2006, 08:56 AM   #15
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Re: Friends w/ benefits - Confused He wants to take it to the next level

I think I am going to . It still scares the heck out of me, but I thought about it a lot this weekend. I wrote out all of my concerns, so that we can talk about them. I have a tendancy that if I just start talking I forget more than half of what I really want to discuss. I learned over the years, I have to write out what I want to say.

I am not looking for a solution to my concerns. I want him to know they exists. I would like to know if he has a concerns. I am sure he does.

If it only last for 3 month then in the end at least we will both know. I would like to ensure that no one gets hurt (myself or him) out of this but I think I am trying to control something that can not be controlled.

 
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