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Old 09-01-2006, 10:51 PM   #1
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gymnast94588 HB User
I think im losing my sanity.

Okay, so here is the problem. I’ll get right to it. In February/March, during my sophomore year in high school, I saw this girl, and in my eyes, she is the most gorgeous person I have ever seen. I never talked to her, but I saw her everyday and every time I saw her, my heart would start beating faster and faster every step closer I got to her as I walked by to my next class, kind of like a metal detector.

No prob, the year ended and summer vacation started.

School started Tuesday, a few days ago, and now she is in one of my classes... sitting right next to me. Well recently, I haven’t been able to get my mind off her. I keep thinking about her 24/7, and I REALLY want it to stop. I haven't been able to focus at school at all. This year I am taking a really hard schedule, and I cant let this interfere.

Last night, was the 2nd time I actually dreamed about her. Yes, just her and me were in the dream together. I don’t know what exactly happened, but I woke up an hour late today, sleeping right through my alarm clock. Sleeping through my alarm clock is EXTREMELY rare, because my alarm clock goes off three times, once every five minutes if it is not shut off the first time. I am pretty sure this dream had something to do with it.

I just got back from the gym a while ago. I could not focus at all. I had my iPod blasting music as loud as possible trying to get something else into my head. While coming back from the gym, I found myself racing down the freeway at 80 mph. I did not even realize I was driving that fast. I kept my foot on the peddle and kept thinking about her.

Is there anyway I can get this to stop? I will seriously get killed if I continue driving 80 mph down the freeway without concentration, and I will surely fail every single class I take.

I am not interested in a relationship, I don’t care about love, I just want her to get out of my head! How do I get her out?!

Thanks in advance, going to sleep right now. if I have another dream about her, im going to snap.

Last edited by moderator2; 09-02-2006 at 06:20 AM. Reason: do not cross post the message boards - duplicates will be removed as per the posting rules

 
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Old 09-02-2006, 12:26 PM   #2
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kirsty12345 HB User
Re: I think im losing my sanity.

I think you have whats called lust!!! Talk to her

 
Old 09-02-2006, 01:22 PM   #3
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Re: I think im losing my sanity.

Hey there! Welcome to Crush City, population: You.

Man, this brings back memories. My junior year was the only year I attended a public high school, and in no time at all I found myself completely surrendering to a huge crush on a guy who rode my bus. A real quiet, mysterious loner type, but he talked a blue streak to me for some reason. He was the only thing that occupied my mind at ALL during that whole year! All I ever did was scribble in my diary about every time he looked at me, or talked to me. I filled up five whole journals in the course of that one school year.

But while I was only too happy to walk around with starry eyes, you actually seem annoyed by your crush. I'm wondering, why is it that you don't want to get involved with this girl at all? Does she have a boyfriend? Or do you just want to concentrate on your school work and nothing else?

You're trying to fight your feelings, and this is always hard to do. You really don't want to get to know her at all? Don't want to hang out with her? I think your subconscious is telling you something different.
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Old 09-02-2006, 01:39 PM   #4
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Re: I think im losing my sanity.

Yes, I hate relationships, and I could care less about love. I dont want her in my head. I want to feel the same way I did last year-just normal.

I've been trying everything to get my mind off it but its not working. I am a gymnast, as you can see by my screenname, and last week while I was practicing, I really lost all concentration. I forgot how to do my back handsprings and all my flips. While I was on tramp, I lost control and went flying off. I pulled a muscle in my shoulder making it unusable for 2 days.

Maybe I need a psychiatrist or something?

 
Old 09-02-2006, 02:22 PM   #5
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Re: I think im losing my sanity.

Trust me bud, you're perfectly normal.

Crushes happen to everyone! That's part of being a teenager, with raging hormones, and discovering the opposite sex (or same-sex, depending on your orientation). That's just how we're designed as humans, to fall head over heels, whether in lust or in love.

It's often far from pleasant, though, as you're discovering. But it's natural! However, in your case it is getting pretty dangerous. I think you need to be more accepting of the fact that you have a crush. You want to pretend that it's not even happening, but it IS happening. And the more you try to ignore something, the more your subconscious will force you to think about it.

You may not want to have this crush, but you DO, and it's a part of maturing. I think if you actually talk to this girl, get to know her and maybe even hang out, it will take away some of the intensity. If you can get to be friends, and she becomes a real person instead of the mythical creature she is now, it will make it easier on you. And take away a lot of the obsessing. Good luck!
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The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

 
Old 09-02-2006, 10:45 PM   #6
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Re: I think im losing my sanity.

I think I should let this out.

I have had this fiery hatred towards people for about 5 years now. For one year my parents sent me to a psychiatrist because I was really depressed and my grades went straight to the bottom. Every week, once a week, I would see a psychiatrist for 1 hour.

I never told him, nor my parents, about what I am going to say now. I feel to embarrassed and shy to say it in person. I'll say it on these forums because itís a lot easier since I donít anyone who reads this, and you donít know me.

The story starts in middle school, about 5-6 years ago. The elementary schools all dump the kids into one of three middle schools, depending on which one is closer to where you live. Needless to say, the amount of kids I was use to at a school tripled. To start making friends, I would just hang out with my friends from elementary school, and soon enough I would have a lot more friends, people to rely on.

6th and 7th grade was fun. One day, one of my friends asked what my ethnicity was. I told him that I was half and half. He got curious, and asked what exactly I was. I told him that I was half German from my dad sides, and half Malaysian from my moms side. As a joke he said, "oh so I guess I can call you 'halfy' ". He laughed, and I laughed with him, knowing it was just a joke.

I donít know what happened, but within 3-4 months later, people started calling me "half-breed", "mut", etc, anything that refers to me being half-half ethnicity. School would end, and I would start 8th grade. Over the summer, I found myself spending less time with these "friends".

8th grade would start. During lunch, I would hang out with these "friends" mainly because I didn't want to be alone. These "jokes" would also continue. They started to get more aggressive. "Half-breed, come over here". I am guessing my new name now was half-breed. One day I got fed up with it, and told them to stuff it. I walked to away and never hung out with them again. Towards to end of 8th grade I would just hang out in the library. I would do my homework, to get it done before I got him. I started a new hobby. Instead of hanging out with friends after school and during weekends, I would play "shoot'em up games". You know the ones where you take a gun and shoot every living thing on your screen until it dies. Counter-Strike, Halo, 007, Half-Life, Day of Defeat, Battlefield 1942, Battlefield2, and all the Medal of Honor games. Anything I could get my aggression into without actually hurting anything.

Towards the last few weeks of school, I met this girl. She was amazing, to simply put it. I talked to her almost everyday until school ended, and even more over AIM after school ended. I IMíd her, asking if should was going to a birthday party for a friend we both knew. She said yes, and we both saw each other there when the party started. To make a long story short, the night went on and I ended up holding her and lightly kissing her. By lightly, I mean REALLY lightly. I asked if she would be mine, and she said " no, you're not my type, etc etc". One week later she would be with a different guy.

My heart felt like it a javelin went right through it at 200 mph. From that moment on, I vowed to myself to never be in a relationship. Never.

Highschool started and these insults of "half-breed" and "mut" now escalted to more racial deregotory terms, targeting a specific race. Some of them include "****", "commi", "*****", "****", "crout", "skinhead", "Mao", "Hitler". Every now and then, I would get an occasional person in my class that asks the same question that started this thing 6 years ago; "what is your etnicty"? I would answer it honestly, and I would always get an answer "wow, your half huh"? It put me down to the point where I no longer answer that question anymore, and if people ask me anything personal, I just dont respond. Period.

I didn't know what to do. And I still donít. I have dumped everysingle person I know as a friend, I no longer talk to people or try to meet people. During lunch, I go to the library and listen to music and do my homework alone. I donít socialize with people. I am actually too afraid to even eat lunch at school now. I guess you can call me a wimp, whatever, I donít care. I am use to it. Go ahead, think what you want.

During classes, my teacher always says "alright class, I will be assigning a group project that will be due on Monday", or whatever, something like that. After everyone starts to pair up, I politely ask the teacher if I can work on the project alone. Most of the time, they have no problem with it.

You see, most people (from where I live), do not accept me because I am a mutt. Who needs a mutt anyways right? They just give you weird defective children. Who needs a brown-eyed, 6 foot tall freak with black hair on its head and blonde hair on its arms and legs?

I hate people. I donít care if you are the nicest person it the world.

On Friday nights, while people are out at the movies, getting dinner, im at home. Playing my shoot'em up games or practicing my gymnastics in the backyard. Alone.

After high school I plan on joining the Marines. Not to help this country. Not to "become a man". Because it is one of the only places in the world where they donít give a damn who you are. You are a number. You are property of the government. And this sure as hell beats listening to someone saying "wow, you're from both communist country AND a fascist country!"

As you can see, you should understand why I want this girl out of my head. I donít want to talk to her. I want her out. Donít need to listen to another "well, you're not my type. Sorry." (Whenever a person says this to me, it usually means "yeah right, you think you are in the same league as me?!")




Ugh okay. Sorry about that, after taking a 1hour break after writing that, then rereading it, looks like I got kind of angry. Well it needs to be said, because this is really the way I feel about life. I donít want this girl to be part of this, she is too pretty and deserves better than a lowlife Marine Corps mutt like me, and this is why I want her out of my head.

Surely there must be a way to get her out? Amnesia, brainwashing, hypnosis, anything?

 
Old 09-02-2006, 11:49 PM   #7
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: I think im losing my sanity.

I'm glad you got that all out. Certainly adds something to your problem, doesn't it?

I will tell you right now that I am with you one hundred percent on having a horrible time in school. (I was overweight!) But I got out fairly early, convincing my parents to homeschool me, starting my fifth grade year, all the way up through graduation, except for one year when circumstances landed me in a public high school.

I had a terrible time there, too. I got sexually harrassed pretty badly. I too tried to get out of group projects, and often took a failing grade rather than do any kind of presentation in front of a class. My crush was pretty much all I focused on, and since I turned down every guy in the school and only hung out with this one other outcasted girl, people started a rumor that we were lesbians. Which only bothered me because I didn't want my crush to start thinking that was true! But, it's all old news now *L*

I just feel so bad that you are starting to buy into this crap that your idiot classmates have been spewing at you. I really hope that someday you realize THEY are the screwed up ones, and NOT YOU. Don't let these people win and drag you down. Please. There are good people out there, real good people, and I just hope you don't keep the good ones blocked out forever. Good luck to you bud...
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Old 09-03-2006, 02:40 AM   #8
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kirsty12345 HB User
Re: I think im losing my sanity.

Hi there, it's true what Gypsyarches said, out there their are many good people, but I think going back to my school days, my god I hated it too, people used to say school days are the best days in your life, but you know what I say when the school days are gone and you kind of get over them, life does change. Most of the nasty people I knew from school are now worthless people that dont have much to show now. Get on with school, do well and you will meet someone when the time is right, I'm sure you will, moving away from your area is another way apart from joining the marines, I was brought up in the UK, the town where I lived was full of small minded people who are still stuck there with ded end jobs and lives, still doing the same things they did at school and I moved to Spain about 7 years ago, here it's full of all sorts of people and its the norm. Things do get better, so good luck.

 
Old 09-03-2006, 12:31 PM   #9
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stalkerswife717 HB User
Re: I think im losing my sanity.

I hated high school also and I was one of the popular kids. Kids are so judgemental about everything. It changes when you graduate. Nothing from high school even matters anymore. Hang in there. It gets better. You start thinking " why did I even waste my time with these people." Stop believing these names that your classmates are calling you. Be proud of your heritage. I have dated many men with different backgrounds. I have found that the men that were multi- cultural were more intersting. You will find that there are people who will like you for you and all you have to offer. Don't give up on relationships. That girl that said you weren't her type may not have been talking about you racial background at all. It could have been your attitude. It was just one girl. Don't give up. I'm sure you didn't get your back tuck on your first try or perfect that trick on the rings your first try. Think of life like gymnastics. You will fall but get back up and try again. Take care.

stalkerswife0717

 
Old 09-03-2006, 02:36 PM   #10
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Nina000 HB User
Re: I think im losing my sanity.

God I felt horrible reading your last post...I work with children in schools and I can imagine the scenario. It wears me out to go to high school for only one morning a week!!!! Although I am a "support worker", I had my lip cut when some boy was pushing his friend in a corridor, and I just happened to open my room door at the wrong time, so I got caught in it
Yes, I wouldn't let these bullies shake my confidence, my pride, or anything. People feel sorry for them, sick of them, mad at them...and more...
They are not intelligent enough and they don't have bright future by the sounds of it. Trust me, many kids who are bullies come from disturbed backgrounds that they would feel so embarrassed to reveal or talk about.
I think that your approach is great, avoid their company but don't feel intimidated by them.

I know exactly what you feel also about having a dual identity, esp that I am also of two ethnicities: Russain/Syrian. But let me tell you that: Be proud of it honestly, I read research that concluded that children of mixd races are extremely clever. You sound like a thoughtful person.

What I would stronly suggest is try and practice some nicer activities than computer games, because these could damage your heath, right? Go to a tennis club, swimming, ...where you might see and interact with nice people.


Again be proud of yourself, you have every reason to be.

 
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