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Old 09-04-2006, 10:09 AM   #1
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Fabat40 HB User
When the past says hello to you

My fiance and I were entertaining some of my old friends from out of town last night. We took them around San Francisco to the tourist spots and ended our evening having dinner @ one of my favorite restaurants. As we were having a great bottle of wine and great conversation, a man from my past approached our table and said hello to me. My heart dropped to my toes and I must have looked like I've just seen a ghost because I instantly felt cold around my arms... my history with this man was bad. Nope, it's not my ex-husband (I'd react by throwing some liquid at his face),but just as bad.

HISTORY: You see, this man told me that he was "divorced" when we first met and I went forward by starting a relationship with him. We had so much fun in the beginning... we just clicked. I spent few nights at his home... which showed me that there's no woman living there other than his daughter, who was very young at the time. I fell in love hard. I knew he had children, but I told him that I didn't want us to meet each other's children until we are both serious and decide to make this relationship permanent.

Well..... he lied to me! He was married all along and I abruptly ended my relationship with him. I couldn't believe that he'd deceived me. This was about 6-7 months into the relationship when I found out that he was still married. I couldn't believe I didn't see the signs... I guess this is where the saying "love is blind" fits perfectly. In hindsight, there were many flags, but I guess I was just flying high in love. When I ended our relationship, he left his family and children for me so we can be together! I couldn't believe it! I felt flattered and horrible because I'd unknowingly have broken up a home. I didn't go back to him and that's when he'd decided to go back to his family.

Back to dinner last night: As my blood rushed back to my head, I flashed him a smile and said hello back. I didn't want to lower myself by making a scene or stoop to his level so I calmly introduced him around the table... all along, my fiance was observing my reaction. The idiot (ex boyfriend) stood around like he was invited and started a conversation with my fiance and friends! He congratulated me on my upcoming nuptials and I told him that we (my friends and my fiance and I) have so much catching up to do, but have limited time with our friends... he got the hint, thank **** and left our table.

On our way home in the car, my fiance started asking questions and started pulling teeth with my responses. This is one part of my past I wasn't too proud of even though I was deceived and I wasn't at fault. He asked why I didn't tell him this part of my history and questioned if there are other secrets I'm keeping from him. I told him that I'll always have skeletons in my closet and as long as it doesn't concern our relationship, there's no use bringing it in the present, unless it shows up at the dinner table.

I guess I am just venting or I don't know... I just feel weird and when my fiance and I woke up this morning... he was aloof and he gave me a kiss good bye to go home and run his errands. I never told anybody this secret part of mine, except my very, very best friend. She's the only one that knows most of my past including this. I hope this doesn't change and start a distrust in our relationship. If you see your past sitting at a dinner table and your history was not good, don't go up and say hello.

How would you feel if you were in my fiance's shoes?

Thanks.

Last edited by Fabat40; 09-04-2006 at 10:12 AM.

 
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Old 09-04-2006, 12:59 PM   #2
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: When the past says hello to you

Quote:
When I ended our relationship, he left his family and children for me so we can be together! I couldn't believe it! I felt flattered and horrible because I'd unknowingly have broken up a home. I didn't go back to him and that's when he'd decided to go back to his family.
First off girl, YOU didn't break up anything. You didn't know he was married, and when you did find out, you left him. It isn't your fault that he tried to leave his family. He's the dog here.

I have to say, I don't really understand why your fiance is so upset. I haven't given the details of every single one of my past relationships to my boyfriend, and there isn't any reason to. This was an ex-boyfriend of yours, he turned out to be a creep, and it didn't work out. I don't see why this is considered a "secret."

Of course, I don't think many people are going to be overjoyed to get a surprise visit from their fiance's ex in the middle of dinner. But once again, not YOUR fault. You're so right, if you have a bad past with someone, why would you go up to them (when they're surrounded by a group, no less) and act like everything is hunky dory? Then again, this guy probably didn't see anything wrong with the relationship

I hope you don't feel any shame about this past relationship. I also hope your fiance can understand that this is a sore spot for you. It wouldn't be fair of him to hold anything against you.
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Old 09-04-2006, 06:07 PM   #3
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Fabat40 HB User
Re: When the past says hello to you

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
First off girl, YOU didn't break up anything. You didn't know he was married, and when you did find out, you left him. It isn't your fault that he tried to leave his family. He's the dog here.

I have to say, I don't really understand why your fiance is so upset. I haven't given the details of every single one of my past relationships to my boyfriend, and there isn't any reason to. This was an ex-boyfriend of yours, he turned out to be a creep, and it didn't work out. I don't see why this is considered a "secret."

Of course, I don't think many people are going to be overjoyed to get a surprise visit from their fiance's ex in the middle of dinner. But once again, not YOUR fault. You're so right, if you have a bad past with someone, why would you go up to them (when they're surrounded by a group, no less) and act like everything is hunky dory? Then again, this guy probably didn't see anything wrong with the relationship

I hope you don't feel any shame about this past relationship. I also hope your fiance can understand that this is a sore spot for you. It wouldn't be fair of him to hold anything against you.
Thanks Gypsy. I see things the same way as you do. I'm not the deceiver. I didn't know he was married. My fiance is "disappointed" that he didn't know this part of my past. I told him that it had nothing to do with us and the present time. Our friend who was at dinner w/ us last night doesn't understand why he's upset with me either. I guess I'll just have to allow him to cool down and get over it. I can't change the past.

I do feel somewhat ashamed because I was too blind to see the flags. But like you said Gypsy, it wasn't me who cheated. Thank you for your support.

Peace.

 
Old 09-04-2006, 07:29 PM   #4
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BetsyJean HB User
Re: When the past says hello to you

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fabat40
I do feel somewhat ashamed because I was too blind to see the flags.
Just a heads up to make sure that you're not missing the flags this time either....

 
Old 09-04-2006, 07:47 PM   #5
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SophiaM HB User
Re: When the past says hello to you

I agree with Gypsy--it's definitely NOT your fault, Fabat, in any way, shape or form. Your fiance will get over it--I think he's probably a little upset because of your reaction to this man more than anything else. I don't see anything wrong with you not telling him about this relationship, either. I mean, do we have to give our partners details about every past relationship? I don't see what the big deal is, honestly.

 
Old 09-05-2006, 07:30 AM   #6
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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minijumbofly HB User
Re: When the past says hello to you

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
this guy probably didn't see anything wrong with the relationship ....
That was exactly it !! And you are far too polite and considerate, I wouldn't had introduce that jerk to ANYBODY, let alone the fiance. Well, I guess you learnt your lesson by now.

As for the skeletons in the closet, I wouldn't consider "this" to be one, so don't get hung up on it. If hubby-2B is the right guy, he should understand that you couldn't possibly cover every nitty gritty detail and past encounters. And like you said, it's not important as all this is in the PAST. Like it or not, there ain't nothing you can do about it. It's "history".

I can sympathize with his feelings only because I can feel the awkwardness just reading your post. And people don't go pale if they don't feel guilty about something although in this case, you really have nothing to feel guilty about.

Heck, if he asks again, just tell your fiance pretty much what you said here. You are not purposely hiding anything, it's just that it was not a pleasant experience and you PREFER not to bring it up.

I'm hoping that your hubby-2B is mature and trusting enough to get over this and not even bother to bring it up again.

 
Old 09-05-2006, 11:47 PM   #7
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Fabat40 HB User
Re: When the past says hello to you

Thank you for all of your support.

My fiance and I had a long talk tonight. I told him if something's bothering him, we need to talk about it so there'd be no misunderstanding. And we did. He's upset because it's such a coincidence that 2 ex-boyfriends of mine were thrown into our lives within a month's time. I completely understand. One is my fault and the other, I couldn't help him come up to our table. The audacity of this man is beyond me... it's no longer confidence or arrogance anymore... just plain rude.

When I was going out with this guy (my ex BF), as a single mother, working full time and going to school part time. I was too busy and implementing a relationship was dumb. I guess this is why I didn't see the flags too clearly... just like you can't see the trees in the forrest.

Have a good day everybody.

Peace.

 
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