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Old 09-05-2006, 11:40 AM   #1
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alleycat2 HB User
In-laws overstepping bounds w/ pregnancy

Ok I wrote about my Sister-in-law who insisted on cleaning the carpet in the babys' room (even though it been cleaned) which totally set back my plans of setting up the room! She planned a day to come over and than changed it. When she did show she forgot a part to her special carpet cleaner and said she would be right back but she never came back and than she called and said she would be over the next day and never came. I spent most of the weekend planning around her only too sit home and she never did what she said she was going too. On top of that she kept commenting on how fat she figures I will get and her son jumped right on my stomach before I could react!
My Mother-in-law joined in with the rude comments and when my husband told her what her grandson did she told him it was no big deal! Everytime he does something terrible she downplays it and tells us not to make a big deal out of it because our child will be worse! How does she know and I hate when she defends anyones bad behavour! One minute she tells me to be patient and waite until her daughter comes over too do the carpet and then set up the babys' room and now she is hounding me because I don't have everything done. I told her I was still waiting for her daughter too come do the carpet and she got defensive and tried to make it sound like I was being the dificult one! I am so sick of her advice and my sister-in-laws advice and the baby isn't even her yet! How do I deal with them? How much do I have too put up with before I can tell them to back off?

 
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Old 09-05-2006, 03:40 PM   #2
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rbettis HB User
Re: In-laws overstepping bounds w/ pregnancy

aahhhh in laws!!! that is why DH and I have decided not to tell them about pregnancy until I am very far in... and when MIL knows, I will not ask her for advice so she does not think she can burst in whenever she wants. I can just picture her wanting to do this and that and then I will be wanting something else and then conflicts will arise. She gets very defensive when she does not get her way.

your experience confirms to me that I shouldn't keep them too involved.

Another thing I hate from her are the over the top gifts. She sends all these plastic desk, plastic cars, plastics crap to one of her grandchild and her daughter ends up giving them away because she does not have space in her house. Plus everything looks terrible all cramped in there and nothing matches. One day I commented in front of MIL, if I ever had a child, she needs to ask us first before she give us something. Because I don't want these enormous plastic toys that I can't care less (well, I thought to say I can't care less, but I said instead, that nothing will match plus i don't have space). But knowing her, she will probably will do it anyway to dispise me.

I swear, if I see one huge box at my house porch, I will tell the delivery guy to send it right back to where if came from.

OKay I vented and things haven't happened yet LOL LOL... but i can see it happening.

Last edited by rbettis; 09-05-2006 at 03:43 PM.

 
Old 09-05-2006, 04:17 PM   #3
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Re: In-laws overstepping bounds w/ pregnancy

I guess part of the reason why it's hard for me to deal with the snippy attitudes is because my MIL and SIL make having kids sound miserable! On top of that I have seen how my SIL raises her kids (or her lack of) and heard what type of mother my MIL was with her kids (my husband) and she doesn't doubt that she was inattentive and a few other things. Yet, they both see fit too assume I will be like them and give advice every chance they can, which comes out sounding like a slam or insult towards me. Just when I start to get excited about something my SIL especially has to knock it down with a negative comment. Whenever I provide hope, sometimes they take it well and other times they say well see. I find myself correcting my nephew (SIL's kid) for doing bad things like swearing and I promise myself my child will be taught better than too act that way. My MIL & SIL are right behind me to say yah right well see when the baby comes. Yes they are parents and they do have experiences to share but I don't like their outlook on kids or how they raise them. Not that my husband turned out tterrible because he didn't, infact even my SIL has a soft side, but I don't want my child too grow up the same harsh way! I don't say this in front of my MIL or SIL but I sometimes can't handle their advice. I know my kid will be no angel, or perfect or any of that stuff, but I know to me he/she will be mine and will grow up with the morals my husband and I want to share with he/she.`

 
Old 09-05-2006, 05:56 PM   #4
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Re: In-laws overstepping bounds w/ pregnancy

Yes, Ah, In-laws.

I'm blessed that my worthless waste of space FIL does not care to be bothered in my sons life. Mine and Dh FIRST child, his FIRST grandchild and he doesn't care. I mean, yeah it was all fun and games, show your very pregnant DIL off in the beginning. But as soon as my son was born, he got old fast. MY FIL is a very self-centered man who only cares about himself and spending his rich wifes (my Step MIL) money on useless crap. This man wasn't around for my dh or SIL life (not until he married into money, oh wow imagine that) and doesn't care to be around my son's life. I'd rather have it that way, he's a very abusive (mentally) man. Also I don't think he likes my son bc he's part of me and my FIL HATES me -- for no good reason. It's bc I'm overweight (he is obese, but you know how that works) and a "spolied little b word LOL). Oh well life sucks for him.

Just like the first poster stated, it's best to keep in-laws at bay. Unless they mean good. Sometimes they have NO clue and its their way or no way. Specially if they seem to think just bc you SIL kids are bad (poor kids, they apperantly had an lazy parent). Maybe you should just ignore it for now and when your baby comes around, do it with just you and dh. If they comment (my FIL ALWAYS does..hello, my son is 6 months, and YOU seen him maybe 5 or 6 times since he was born and YOU want to tell ME how to raise him?!!) just smile and say "thanks". Thats what I do!

Good luck sweety and I hope things get better. OH and CONGRATS!!!

 
Old 09-06-2006, 04:12 AM   #5
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Re: In-laws overstepping bounds w/ pregnancy

Well, since in-laws are basically attachments to your DH, you need to get some support from your DH. 1 word from him will have 100 times the effect of the same from you yourself.

I always tell people to put some geographic distance between themselves and the family members regardless. (I like about 6 hour driving time ) Nowadays, you'll always be just a phone call away no matter how far you live apart. The distance provides some protective space and barriers when needed, like in your situation now.

Last but not least, I never worry about ******* off family members, direct or attached. (As long as it is done defensively) Believe me, they will NOT go away! If that's what it takes to get some privacy and peace in your own home, so be it.

Really, they'll be back for more no matter what.

 
Old 09-06-2006, 09:02 AM   #6
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alleycat2 HB User
Re: In-laws overstepping bounds w/ pregnancy

My husband has made comments and his Mom & Sister don't hesitate to throw a rude comment his way ethier! I thought it was rather rude for his sister to be so pushy about cleaning the carpet and than ask for us to buy supplies for it. Than she forgets a part and says she will be back and now she has called to tell me she may not be over until next week and she hinted around for gas money because she blew the last of her check on who knows what. I thought she was doing this too be nice and help out but I can't help but wonder if it's a scam too get money. If you knew her you would understand. My husband said too go ahead and put together the baby stuff and we will just have to move it when she comes, but I am afraid we will mean me! He has been so busy lately that I don't know if he'll be around when she finally comes over.

 
Old 09-06-2006, 09:25 AM   #7
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Re: In-laws overstepping bounds w/ pregnancy

I feel so sorry for you alleycat. I can't imagine having to deal with inlaws like that, especially while I'm pregnant. I know this is not a very nice attitude, but screw their opinions! It's up to you and your hubby to raise your child the way you feel is the best. It's not up to your in laws, NO MATTER WHAT! You need to stand up for yourself! And your husband needs to do the same. Work up the courage to tell them that they will either respect you two or they are not welcome in your home. If my MIL were like yours, I would have no problem saying this. This is obviously causing you stress, which I'm sure you know, is not good for the baby. My nephew is 3 and he poked my tummy pretty hard with a flashlight and my dad (my parents were babysitting) scolded him for it. I just can't imagine anyone saying that behavior is ok. You and your husband need to put your relationship and your baby first, BEFORE HIS FAMILY! This is about the YOUR family... you, hubby, and baby.

I remember reading a responce to one of your posts about setting the baby's room up and telling your SIL that you just couldn't wait. If you want to set the room up, set the room up! You don't need to explain ANYTHING to your SIL! If she has a problem, she'll get over it. That is your home and your baby's room, it has nothing to do with her!

I'm sorry if I wasn't very nice. I don't have inlaws like yours, but if I did, I would hope that I would stand up for myself and my family. I hope I've helped. I just keep thinking of "Everybody Loves Raymond" and how mad the mom makes me! LOL! I picture your inlaws like that.

 
Old 09-06-2006, 09:50 AM   #8
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Destea HB User
Re: In-laws overstepping bounds w/ pregnancy

Definitely tell your SIL, first and foremost, that while you appreciate your offer, you won't put off setting up your nursery any longer and don't want her to wash the carpet any more. Period. If she insists, tell her you're sorry but it's too late and you need to do what you need to do, thank her again, but leave it at a solid "no".

If you ever want peace you need to be sure to set your boundaries now and always - right from the start. If people (inlaws, friends, coworkers - anyone) feel they can get wiggle room they will take advantage of it. It's human nature I'd say any time from this point forward that the nephew misbehaves directly related to how he's treating YOU - feel free to scold him. Tell him he has to be careful because there's a baby in there and he could hurt it by horsing around. If they won't tell him that - you really should, because it's your baby that's at risk.

As for their "advice", be honest. If they're being rude, tell them you really feel like they're being RUDE. I had to write a very difficult letter to my future MIL (in a month!) basically asking her to not send me religious pamphletes or push the issue as it's my personal thing and I don't like people being overly pushy about it. She respected the letter and that was that. I was terrified to send it and upset her, but yeah, it worked out. You just have to make sure people understand what upsets you, and if you tell them and they continue to do these things - that's when you get more stern. You just have to. I wouldn't be surprised if they try to 'teach' your child lessons if you leave the door open for this kind of behavior, nip it in the bud ASAP. As long as you and your husband are consistant and honest, it should be ok. But if you don't put it out there they'll never know what your boundaries are.

Good luck, I know it must be stressful...

 
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