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Old 09-05-2006, 01:37 PM   #1
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Question Significant Age difference

Hello all. I'm back with some additional advice needed. I am 26, my other half is 56. Right now we live over 300 miles apart. We have been seeing each other since April of 2003. Well we got into a huge fight back in June of this year, and didn't speak for a little over a month. I since had somwhat moved on, and found someone else around my age totally by accident.

Now, the 56 year old has contacted me again, and recently asked me to marry him. I have two children, one is 8 and one is almost 7. The age difference never bothered me, and he says NOW it isn't a factor anymore. I don't know, I guess maybe he realized what he had until it was gone and he is trying to make up for it?

Anyway, my major dilema (spelling) is that he is 2 years older than my mother, and I fear that telling them this news would probably kill both of my parents. They do not know that we have had a relationship for over 3 years. I have put them through enough tradgedy with having a child at 18, and another one at 19. This would be the icing on the cake. I know for a fact that both of my parents would be completely devestated if they found out that I made the decision to marry someone 30 years my senior.



Any advice?? Thanks

 
Old 09-05-2006, 02:06 PM   #2
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Re: Significant Age difference

I think this time you should listen to those who are older and more experienced and are looking out for your well being. Your parents will likely freak, and with good reason. You and this 56 year old man live 300 miles apart, so you have no idea what living with him and being his "other half" would truly be like. That's when all the differences in interests, daily schedule, life priorities, etc. would all come out. I"m guessing you met him online?

If you are hell bent on making this work, at the very least, live with him for a good long while before you agree to marry him. Just so you can see for yourself if you are truly going to be able to overcome this age difference, and the fact that you don't know each other very well either.

 
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Old 09-05-2006, 02:08 PM   #3
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Re: Significant Age difference

just curious, what is it about him that you like?

 
Old 09-05-2006, 02:15 PM   #4
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Re: Significant Age difference

Oh, gosh, this man is even older than my mother, and I'm 34 I am sure your parents would completely freak out. You are only 26 and this man has been living so far away from you. Now you found someone else around your own age--I would advise you to stay with him and see where that relationship is going (if he's a nice guy and you like him, that is). Forget the 56-year-old. It's just too big of an age difference, I think. Are you even attracted to him?

Last edited by SophiaM; 09-05-2006 at 02:16 PM.

 
Old 09-05-2006, 03:14 PM   #5
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Re: Significant Age difference

I wouldn't even consider a relationship with the old geezer unless he looked MUCH younger than his age and had LOTS of money. If that's not the case....what are you thinking? Usually older men want younger women to boss around and control, much like the father figure they resemble. Everywhere you go, people will assume he's your father. When you reach your sexual peak in ten years, he'll need viagra. Is this really what you want?

 
Old 09-05-2006, 03:47 PM   #6
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Re: Significant Age difference

I'm with the others - what happened to the new guy you met?
Are you still seeing him? Why choose the old guy over him?

 
Old 09-05-2006, 04:37 PM   #7
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Re: Significant Age difference

I would imagine that you want to be with the older man "because you love him".
Love is a great thing, I'm not going to tell you to stop having feelings for him.
But, if people married for more reasons that their feelings and their sexual desire there would be alot better marriages.

One of my best friends married a man who was 20 yrs older than her. She divorced him when she was almost 50. He was old, he was boring, he never wanted to go anywhere, she "didn't love him".

So, here is this man who married a woman he loved and he's dumped just when his golden years are underway. He's alone instead of with someone who wants to sit beside him - boring or not.

You don't KNOW what it's like to be with a 70 yrs old... My mom is 80 and she is driving me nuts and I love her to pieces.
Think about compatibility.
Think about activity.
Think about common values/ethics/morals.
Think about humor and friendship.
Think about a side by side equality.
Think about the future.

 
Old 09-05-2006, 08:12 PM   #8
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Re: Significant Age difference

Age doesn't matter over the age of 30. My sister is 25 years junior to her husband and they are soul mates. My best friend married a man 30 years senior to her and again soul mates. Now My sister has been married 20 years and is still very happy, My best friend watched her husband die from a sudden heart attack during a vacation changing a tire on their car. There are no guarantees in life. You have to make a decisson based on why you want to marry him. If its for the right reasons and you accept the risks involved and your truly in it for "better and worse" then don't listen to others. You have to have true love, and common interests and friendship, all relationships settle and you have to have more than sex and fun to keep it together. If you cant commit to that you have to be fair to him and yourself, you maybe the last relationship he has, are you ready to care for him and be there in his twilight years?

Think and be honost with yourself.

Good luck.

 
Old 09-06-2006, 03:24 AM   #9
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Re: Significant Age difference

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hangin in There
I wouldn't even consider a relationship with the old geezer unless he looked MUCH younger than his age and had LOTS of money.... Everywhere you go, people will assume he's your father. When you reach your sexual peak in ten years, he'll need viagra...
LOL. OK, so may be I shouldn't laugh about this but do expect the same reactions and line of thought going into this marriage.

Actually, I'm more concerned about the fact that this is a long distance mail order relationship. I am the president of the "live with someone BEFORE marriage" club. There are soooooo many incompatibilties people just don't see until they actually live together, especially with you having young children.

While I normally don't worry much against age difference in general, there comes the point of "generation" difference. The odds are against you, so I sincerely hope you know what you are getting into. This will be hard work. Good luck.

 
Old 09-06-2006, 06:00 AM   #10
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Re: Significant Age difference

Thanks for the input everyone. And to answer some of your questions, yes I like this other guy (my own age) but here lately he has been different in the sense that he doesn't come around like he used to, says there isn't anything wrong, but has really been acting selfish lately. 2 different occasions he was supposed to come over to my place and never showed up. This other man, 30 yrs my senior, no he was/is in the entertainment business and thats how we "met". He has prostate cancer and was diagnosed with that around 5 or 6 years ago. So sexually, no our problem would be worse than it already is. But in the 3 1/2 years we've been together, I haven't complained about the lack of it. We are best friends, and I really dont think he wants someone to control and be a father to. I could be wrong though. I just thought that I would know him well enough by now. But stranger things have happened.


And no people wouldnt assume he was my father. I am a white female, and he is black. LOL..

I do agree about the living situation first though. Its just that he is willing to move here where I am. And if and only if for whatever reason, it didnt work, he'd be stuck. Even I would be stuck. I'm not really thinking about that though.


But as far as the new guy goes, I do really like him, but our relationship is going down hill fast.

 
Old 09-06-2006, 06:03 AM   #11
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Re: Significant Age difference

I forgot to add that I don't even look at him as being 56 years old. Sure I did when we first met, but not in a long time. I often forget about our age difference. My biggest concern now, is how my parents will react. I mean geez, I don't want to kill them. I couldn't live with myself if I did.

 
Old 09-06-2006, 06:50 AM   #12
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Re: Significant Age difference

There is no getting around the shock given the unique combination you are presenting them.

Like I said, I hope you know what you are getting into. I still think you should first try living together for a while before making everything "official". It would help calm the nerves of your parents as well as all us skeptics out there.

 
Old 09-06-2006, 06:54 AM   #13
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Re: Significant Age difference

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatshouldIdo
I forgot to add that I don't even look at him as being 56 years old. Sure I did when we first met, but not in a long time. I often forget about our age difference. My biggest concern now, is how my parents will react. I mean geez, I don't want to kill them. I couldn't live with myself if I did.
well I'm sure they may be shocked because of the age difference and the race difference.....which one are you more worried about?

 
Old 09-06-2006, 06:57 AM   #14
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Re: Significant Age difference

Quote:
Originally Posted by minijumbofly
I still think you should first try living together for a while before making everything "official". It would help calm the nerves of your parents as well as all us skeptics out there.
why on earth would you even SUGGEST that when she's already said her relationship is going downhill fast? She will be trapped and the situation will be even worse! You don't move in together to fix things, just like you don't have a baby to fix things......

 
Old 09-06-2006, 07:10 AM   #15
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Re: Significant Age difference

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
why on earth would you even SUGGEST that when she's already said her relationship is going downhill fast? She will be trapped and the situation will be even worse! You don't move in together to fix things, just like you don't have a baby to fix things......

I think minijumbo fly was refering to her living with the older man for awhile. When she said the relationship was going downhill fast she was refering to the younger new man....unless I misunderstood something.

However, you do realize you don't have to choose either or these men?? There is the option of finding a new man....You should by all means follow your heart but you were already for the most part over this man in a month, do you really love him? Love him enough to marry him? To be his wife?

When you talk about the living together situation you say it wouldn't work because one of you would be stuck if you moved to other's place. What happens if you get married? You have to live together.... and if it doesn't work out you would really be stuck....

 
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