ugh. i AM psycho. i stayed so late at work writing this manifesto (orig. post) about how i can't stop cyber-stalking my ex-bf that i got to the gym late and saw him. how's that for my unconscious playing passive agressive with me? of course i try to walk out with just a wave (haven't spoken in 2 mos) but he calls to me. his first question?
HIM: Umm, did you take my foreman grill?
HIM: i thought you gave that to me.
ME: i did. but i took it back. and i gave it to N (best friend who helped me move my stuff out). you can buy another one at the goodwill for $3.
HIM: why did you--nevermind. (laughs)
ME: I took that bottle of champagne you were saving, too. And we drank it in N's car on the way to the bar afterward.
then we proceeded to have a conversation, standing in the middle of the gym, me holding all my bags and him sweating like a pig and puffy-faced like he's been drinking too much or eating another woman's cooking. you'd think it would be awkward--him dumping me, leaving the country, taking all of his condoms with him and then us not speaking for two months. but it's not. you'd think i'd be mad, but i'm not. it's free, it's easy, just as it always is between us except when it matters. the words just come--what we're doing with ourselves, and how his new job is going, and how i'm looking for a job, and how everyone's jobs are, etc. etc. and i'm making small talk with the love of my life, telling funny, clever stories the way other women don't. and i'm nervous, and he can tell because my mouth has gone dry and i keep staring at his ridiculously white new sneakers. but we're both so happy to be standing in each other's presence, and we're drinking it in. you know, when someone really LOOKS at you when you're speaking--his eyes flickered over me, picking up small details (new dress, lost 5 lbs, little pale). he never looked at me like that towards the end when we fought. no flickering--just stares.
when we part he says, "see you around" and i HATE that phrase because he always uses it when we break up and he wrote it on a letter this last time that he left with my key. it's so intentionally, callously indefinite--"see you later" works better for me.
he seemed so happy. and he was so open, calling to me like that. usually, i get a cryptic one-line e-mail after months of silence, as though he's ashamed of himself for even trying. it wasn't like that this time--he must not feel guilty because he doesn't have any ulterior motives. i can only think he's completely over it, while i've been bleeding, sweating, drinking and crying these past two months. part of me hopes that it's true--my only chance at happiness is if he leaves me alone. i am not strong enough to resist his advances and i will not find happiness with him.
but, i'm addicted.
Last edited by graavy train; 09-05-2006 at 09:25 PM.
oh, the part i forgot? i put on makeup before i left the locker room. two months, multiple across-the-gym encounters and, without any interaction with him whatsoever, i knew tonight was game time. it's ridiculous. it's all choreographed. we both know our parts. we're right on schedule--2 months. he has next move. and part of me desperately hopes he remembers, and comes to me. the other part wants so badly for him to forget--i want to be happy. he will never make me happy.
Wow, men are all the same! When my stupid ex left, I got the lame one-sentence emails after months of silence, too.
I am really sorry you're going through this, because I know what it's like, especially the paranoia that you're going to see him, preventing you from really living your life.
It took a long long time for me to get over the "addiction," but you won't if you keep going to the same gym. You have to completely cut him out of your life, throw out all the photos and letters, delete all the emails, and don't go anywhere where he could be.
I hope there's another good gym nearby?
And you really deserved the grill!! Call your friend and have a barbeque.
but i want him--i want him so bad i can't see straight. at the same time, i know that there is nothing more poisonous in the world to me.
thoughts of him have filled every waking minute of mine for the past two months. and i've done everything i'm supposed to do--reconnect w/old friends, volunteer, longer hours at work, go to the gym (usu. when i know he's not there, tonight was a fluke), accept social invites, go on dates (got one this Thurs), girlfriends, girlfriends, girlfriends, etc. it's like a craving--i actually shift around in my seat uncomfortably at times because i physically CRAVE his presence. i literally pace my room in frustration because i can't be with him. think tiger loping past the bars in a zoo. it's incredible. i've never had such a physiological reaction to a man before.
i know that most people say that being alone is better than a bad relationship, and i've been trying to tell myself that, but i'm really starting to wonder. is it possible, for some people, that a bad relationship is better than being alone? i mean, even when it was bad with us, it was better than THIS. i feel like i can't stand another minute in my skin, in present condition. it's freaking 1:20 a.m., have work at 8, i'm so jacked up i had 4 beers to try and sleep. can't. last night, didn't get to bed until 2, had 4 beers last night, too. not sleepy in the morning, not hung over. nothing. my anxiety makes me superwoman. i am jumping out of my own skin. i think about him all day and when i go to sleep he's there. i don't drink as much when i'm with him, anyway.
can i get a pill for this? anyone? i want to be unconscious
speaking figuratively about the pill part. i actually do want to be unconscious, though. stop thinking.
Last edited by graavy train; 09-05-2006 at 10:28 PM.
I know exactly what your going through. I too just ended a horrible on/off relationship that was never going to work. But even through all the hate and complications there were the reasons i was with her, the parts of her that i loved, but they were just not worth all the crap we had to put up with. I know that I cant go back to her, and im better off without her, and one day things will start to look up. But right now im a complete mess without her, I cry myself to sleep and I dont know who to talk to about this horrible feeling i have all the time because she was the one I would go to all the time with my problems. I truly think im addicted to her and im going through withdrawals.
... is it possible, for some people, that a bad relationship is better than being alone? i mean, even when it was bad with us, it was better than THIS...
Don't lie to yourself, lie to others if you must, But never to yourself. This is the darkest moment in the process of a breakup, so do please try to endure just a little longer.
May be you can remind yourself of ALL the "negatives" you can think about him. It's sort of a antidote for your addiction. I also agree with plasmo. that you should avoid all contact with him as much as possible until you are weened.
BTW, if there is a pill for this, it will make somebody very very rich. For now, try a little dark chocolate, it works for me.