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Old 09-06-2006, 05:26 AM   #1
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What would you do?

Hey All,

I need some advice please...

My ex broke up with me a few months ago after 2 years together. The reason being that I'd changed and my behaviour had become a big concern. I took the break up quite badly and made the usual mistakes you make in that situation. Since then, we've exchanged a few emails, but haven't met up or spoken on the phone. His reason for this is that 'things haven't changed enough for him yet' - whatever that means.

Anyway, due to the mess I got myself into after the split. I was regularly visiting the Doctors. I was eventually told to see a dietrican due to my rapid weight loss. We came to the conclusion that my diet was seriously caffiene based to the point of being dangerous. I was informed that people who subject their body to such a large amount of caffiene can become 'allergic' or 'intollerant' to it. The effects of which don't resemble your usual allergic reactions - swellings, sickness etc, but are symptoms such as anxiety, paranoia, obsessive behaviour, severe mood swings, stomach problems, headaches and broken sleep patterns. Basically, everything I'd been for the past 12 months. So, we have been cutting out the caffiene intake and I'm really shocked at how different I act and feel now.

So now that I've found out what exactly was going on with me, I'm wondering if I should let me ex know. Although I'm alot happier now and have been dating etc, I still get upset at the thought that he's got this negative impression of me. I'm sure that the reason why he's backed off so much is that he's still holding the past against me and is twisting events to help him realise he made the right choice.

What would you guys do in my situation? or if you were in his, is this something you'd like to know? We did have a very good relationship and we're both very caring and sensitive people. I just don't know what's best and it's driving me mad!!

Thanks

 
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Old 09-06-2006, 06:49 AM   #2
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Re: What would you do?

What do you want out of the relationship with your ex? Do you want friendship? Do you want the relationship you had back? Or do you want nothing?

If you want a friendship or a relationship I would tell him. As your friend he would probably want to know, and if you want to work things out then you need to tell him so he knows why things were happening. Don't push the issue though. Send him an email saying you finally figured out what is wrong. Explain it as best as you can without making it so long he will lose intrest and think you are trying to talk him into something. Then let him decide what he wants to do with the information. If he wants to work things out or talk about it more he will.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 05:30 PM   #3
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Re: What would you do?

I would not contact him at all. What happened in the past is irrelevant, you have both moved on with your lives. There is no reason to reintroduce yourself into his life at this point. Nothing good can come of it.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 05:46 PM   #4
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Re: What would you do?

Well, if you think that it's really worth going back to your ex then I say give it a try. You will never know unless you do. BUT, only if you think that its worth it. If your really happy with your life right now and you think that getting back with him will just be a waste of time then dont. If you have both started seeing other people then i suggest to just move on with your life. See how that goes, maybe youll just get over him. But if it really starts to bug you not knowing what could have been, then maybe you should give it a shot.

 
Old 09-08-2006, 06:25 AM   #5
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Re: What would you do?

I would learn from it and move on

whats the point in contacting him?

 
Old 09-08-2006, 11:44 AM   #6
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Re: What would you do?

I can't see what there is to learn from what happened though. Its not like either one of us cheated, lied, argued etc. The result is that I was basically 'ill' and nobody was aware of it. I was suffering with this for a long time and therefore it wasn't like a dramatic change in character over night, it happened gradually. I can't blame him for breaking free from it as he had no reason to believe that this wasn't who i really was. If I didn't know, then how could anyone else really?

Obviously, I do still miss him and yes, I'm getting on with my life. I don't think either of us have moved on dramatically since the split and I'm quite confident that he's not got himself into another relationship - that would be something that i'd never be ready to know.

I've still not decided if I should tell him, especially as our contact is only via email. From my view point, its something I'd like to know but I don't know if any good will come of it. Would him knowing make him question his decision? would it make him want to make further contact as friends? Would he think that it's just made up to try and get him back? I'm still puzzled by what he said to me last time that not enough has changed for him yet. Did he mean that his feelings for me haven't changed? that he doubts that I have changed? or is it that his life hasn't changed enough? it's such an ambiguos statement.

I think i'm put off relationships for life! way to complicated!!

 
Old 09-08-2006, 11:54 AM   #7
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Re: What would you do?

I don't think it would be so wrong to tell him that you had a caffiene addiction and that is why your behavior changed the way it did. My alcoholic ex-husband told me when he went through alcohol treatment (after we had been divorced for a couple of years) and I was happy to find out. No feelings were left but it was good to know. I think it sort of depends on if you knew him for a long time and how long you were together too. That's probably why it was good for me to know my ex had healed (I had been with him for 6 years when we were together). You may feel like you need closure as well. You can just position it that way -- that you felt you needed some closure after you overcame and healed from your addiction. Maybe your motives are to get back together with him? If your relationship was solid, loving and caring prior to your addiction, then I don't really see what's so wrong with giving it another try. But definately don't have that expectation, he probably won't go for it. If you are going to write him just keep it simple.

 
Old 09-08-2006, 12:15 PM   #8
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Re: What would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ab30
I can't see what there is to learn from what happened though. Its not like either one of us cheated, lied, argued etc. The result is that I was basically 'ill' and nobody was aware of it. I was suffering with this for a long time and therefore it wasn't like a dramatic change in character over night, it happened gradually. I can't blame him for breaking free from it as he had no reason to believe that this wasn't who i really was. If I didn't know, then how could anyone else really?

I think i'm put off relationships for life! way to complicated!!
See you have learned something! You learned that no one was at fault for the demise of your relationship and sometimes things just happen.
No need to feel any guilt or remorse....

 
Old 09-08-2006, 03:43 PM   #9
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Re: What would you do?

I do feel a huge amount of remorse though. It's hard to accept that I had a condition that I was unaware of and that my relationship failed because of it.

I think I will have to tell him, but I might wait for a bit. It doesn't feel right to just come out with it as I think that looks like I have a motive. Although part of me would probably like to have the option of giving it another go, the fact is I can't be sure that he ever will. Such a shame.

 
Old 09-08-2006, 07:49 PM   #10
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Re: What would you do?

What were the reasons given for the orginal split?

When he said 'not enough has changed', wouldn't that be a reference to the reasons he gave to split?

If you were say, highley aggitated due to caffine when you were dating, maybe that did have some negative consequences to his feelings for you.

Personally, I would casually mention it, without pressure, if that is really what you want.

Two months split is not a long time, and people can and do get back together, sometimes not for the best reasons, but only you and your instincts can make that decision.

Best of luck

 
Old 09-14-2006, 07:00 AM   #11
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Re: What would you do?

Oddly enough he emailed me a couple of days ago asking how I was and what I'd be up to. I replied with the truth - that i'd been quite busy, been working, seeing mates and the usual. I dropped in about the caffiene, but for some reason indicated that i'd mentioned it to him before. I don't know why I did that - well, it's not a lie - i had told him when we broke up that I was cutting back on the caffiene, but I guess that got lost in everything else that day. Anyway, that was the only thing he picked up on in his reply 'what caffiene reduction?' - So I gave him a very brief run down. Didn't go into loads of details, but just said I'd been told that I had consumed too much and that it had a negative effect on me. The reply I got back was less then impressive - 'rrright...no you hadn't mentioned it....well as long as it helps..' Knowing him as I do, or as I used to, I know that 'rrright' is sarcasm or you are odd. I ignored that and just said that the main thing is that I don't get my headaches anymore. I thought it best to avoid picking up on his tone, or else it would convince him more that his sarcasm was right. As it was at the end of the day he said 'cool...right i'm off home now...tired...night'. I heard from him again yesterday - but it was only in relation to a PC question i had.

I think I'm having a phase 2 of the break up now. I was doing really well and coping until the caffiene thing came up and I've also heard on the grapevine that he's been dating someone. I don't know if it was a one off, but the thought of it has torn me up. I know what he's like though so it's possible he's just continuing to meet as many new people as he can (he's big on making loads of new friends) and this was just 1 person. Regardless of this, I'm back to feeling upset.

I can't get my head round why he's convinced himself that I'm such a freak. It's like he's forgotten that if I was really that type of person that he'd have seen it so early on into the relationship. Nobody changes that much without a good reason, but he's not thinking that way I don't think. I just want all of this to stop now, I'm so bored of it. The last 2 years seem such a waste of time and effort if this is how we've ended up. I wish I didn't love him anymore, but the fact is that i don't love him any less. I'd give anything to get another chance, but I don't know if that's going to happen.

I don't know what to do anymore.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 07:05 AM   #12
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Re: What would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ab30
I can't get my head round why he's convinced himself that I'm such a freak. It's like he's forgotten that if I was really that type of person that he'd have seen it so early on into the relationship. Nobody changes that much without a good reason, but he's not thinking that way I don't think. I just want all of this to stop now, I'm so bored of it. The last 2 years seem such a waste of time and effort if this is how we've ended up. I wish I didn't love him anymore, but the fact is that i don't love him any less. I'd give anything to get another chance, but I don't know if that's going to happen.

I don't know what to do anymore.
let it go and move on....like we said earlier.....at this point it almost seems like you're looking for some drama.....are you?

 
Old 09-14-2006, 07:38 AM   #13
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Re: What would you do?

No, the last thing I want is drama. The last few months have been full of that and I guess I'm trying to grasp onto normality - which would be to have some level of friendship with the ex. I hate feeling down like this and just want it to stop, but it seems your mind likes to do its own thing! I think this is the first time I've gone through anything like this and therefore i can't judge what's going on or have any reference to work by. It's just so hard to give up hope, even though I should.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 07:58 AM   #14
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Re: What would you do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ab30
No, the last thing I want is drama. The last few months have been full of that and I guess I'm trying to grasp onto normality - which would be to have some level of friendship with the ex.
stop wasting your time.....

believe me, you can live just fine without him.

by trying to keep ties with him and hanging on to him........you are just creating your own drama.....move on......

he doesn't enhance your life in any way.....you can live without him.

 
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