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Old 09-06-2006, 08:26 PM   #1
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Angry what to do?

Okay, let me give you some background information because this is crazy...

I met my boyfriend through an old friend of mine from high school. We started dating 2 weeks after we met... and it was an instant attraction. We have so much in common but also so much not in common. It's a perfect balance. We have been together for almost 5 months.. 5 amazing months.. amazing includes: ups, downs, turning around, going back, coming back, etc. Never once have we yelled at eachother but that doesn't mean we haven't fought.

During our entire relationship, his Ex-g/f has been there. Calling, stopping by, yelling at him, keeping him up til all hours of the night, manipulating him, and just being a plain psycho. He has repeatedly told her that he wants her to leave him alone, but she won't listen. His family has suggested a restraining order- but he won't do that... for some reason that I can't figure out. Three months into our relationship- she was doing her very manipulative business- and he broke up with me because he 'thought' he needed to give her another chance. The next morning he called me and told me that was the biggest mistake of his life.. I gave him another chance because sometimes people screw up.

Now- she is still doing same crap. The other night, she called 25 times in 15 minutes... he finally caved in and did what she wanted. She makes him feel like it's all his fault their relationship didn't work, when in all fairness- she has told me that it was her fault. She tells him that she cries all night because she knows I am there with him, that whenever she talks to another guy or gets interested in another guy- it feels like she is cheating on him, that she is jealous because I make him happier than she ever did, that she wants another chance to make it right, towards the beginning of our relationship she even told him she was pregnant (8 weeks along) but they hadn't had sex in like 3 or 4 months... this girl just doesn't get it through her head.

I don't know what to do. She has caused my relationship with my boyfriend so much stress and turmoil.. that sometimes, I wonder whether it's even worth it. But then I way the pros to the cons, and it is. Because I know if I give up- she wins. I know that if I give up- she will think that she can swoop in and pick up the pieces. Plus- even with all her crap and everything that has gone on- it just keeps making our relationship stronger.

I guess I don't even know what my question is. He knows how I feel about everything and we talk about everything that she does, when she calls, when she stops by, etc... I would love so much to call her or punch her or something... but I can't.

what do I do?!?!

 
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Old 09-06-2006, 08:54 PM   #2
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Re: what to do?

you know what, a few years back I was in almost the exact same situation. My boyfriend at the time, I thought, was great. But his ex-gf continually tried to make our relationship a living hell. She constantly called him and showed up at his apartment. She even snuck in one night and walked into his bedroom where we were sleeping and starting freaking out because I was there. I thought he was a great catch and without her around I knew we would be great together but in that situation, I knew he had some extra baggage/issues that he needed to deal with before we could really commit to each other. And in my case, enough was enough and I broke it off with him because I couldn't handle his ex being there all the time prying into his life but your case may be different. All I would suggest though is be the bigger person and if she's that kind of girl, don't stoop to her level. Just do your best to not let the situation take control of your relationship with your boyfriend. So long as you two continue to communicate about it and just focus on your relationship with each other hopefully this other girl will get the hint. Hope I was a little help.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 02:16 AM   #3
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Re: what to do?

Don't look at it as the YOU vs ex GF thing with your BF as the price. I like to tell people to focus on fortifying the relationship instead. If the realtionship itself is strong, she would be more a distraction than a factor. Most people carries some sort of baggage one way or the other. If it's not an ex, it would be a best friend, in-laws or family.

Try putting it through to him that you can only support his actions in this matter when he takes the lead. i.e. you yourself cannot make that girl go away, (and you shouldn't),he has to do it.He must make up his mind.

Just remind him that lying about pregnancy and calling 25 times in 15 minutes are not exactly acceptable behavior. May be he'll get the hint.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 05:55 AM   #4
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Re: what to do?

I wanna know why he is ALLOWING this to continue?
you said he gave in and did what she wanted after some badgering?
He has control over how he reacts to this woman, why isn't he using it?

 
Old 09-07-2006, 02:03 PM   #5
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Re: what to do?

minijumbofly - I never thought of it that way. We do have a strong relationship, though it could be stronger.. but those are factors which don't involve his ex/gf. He knows that the stuff she does is stupid and I've told him that I think she does it just to make him upset and unhappy- and he agreed! He said that he thinks that she knows he is happy now (they had a bad relationship) and she can't stand that fact. He also said that he thinks she doesn't "love" him the way she says she does, but that she loves the idea of him.

He has told her repeatedly that he wants her to leave him alone, but she won't. He has told her that unless he calls her- not to call him or talk to him. But she won't. On the flip side- he won't do something about it either. He won't press charges because she is harrassing him.. so I guess you could say he is allowing this to continue. He tells that she won't leave him alone- if she calls and he doesn't answer she'll drive the 30 miles to his house.. at night if she goes over there- he'll be asleep and she'll sit on the floor and watch this sleep. She keeps him up til all hours of the night because of all this.

I try my hardest not to stoop to her level, but sometimes I can't. If I'm there and she won't stop calling- I'll answer and say something to her. Then she'll stop calling.

Our relationship is stronger than what she can break.. and I know that's what she's trying to do. She'd rather have him unhappy with her, than happy with anyone else.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 02:08 PM   #6
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Re: what to do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by skittles42
He tells that she won't leave him alone- if she calls and he doesn't answer she'll drive the 30 miles to his house.. at night if she goes over there- he'll be asleep and she'll sit on the floor and watch this sleep. She keeps him up til all hours of the night because of all this.
How is she getting into the house?
breaking in?

 
Old 09-07-2006, 02:17 PM   #7
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Re: what to do?

OK, so for some reason he doesn't want a restraining order. However, surely there must be someone else in this girl's life that he knows. I think he needs to reach out to that person -- maybe it is this girl's parents -- to tell them about her psycho behavior and that she needs help. Then hopefully that person will help her get the help she needs. After that, cut off all contact, even if he has to be mean about it. I don't understand why he keeps complying with her. And yes, how is she getting into the house? If she has a key he needs to change the locks. Maybe he should even change his phone number. Each time he gives into her, that is just like giving her a reward for her behavior, making her want to continue doing it.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 02:41 PM   #8
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Re: what to do?

One time- if the door is locked, she'll crawl through his window.. if the door is unlocked, she'll just walk in. As for going to her parents- he can't, her parents HATE him because of his family and his last name. Which is another reason I think she does it because it makes her Mom mad beyond belief.

The thing is.. is he knows that when he does what she wants, it's giving her what she wants. He knows it's rewarding her for her behavior. He has asked me if that's what going on and I said yes.. it was him realizing it and me backing it up.

They were together, on and off, for a year and a half. But it was more off than on. She'd break up with him for going out with his friends when he was in college, if he came to see her at school- she'd leave him in her room so she could go with her friends, then he'd drive back home.. later she'd call- and he'd go back to her. She makes him feel bad for the things she does- which I'm sure is why he gives in all the time... plus he did it while they were together- he knows it will shut her up.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 02:45 PM   #9
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Re: what to do?

skittles - I smell a rat.....your BF needs to sack-up (for lack of better words)
and either start locking his doors and windows or admit that he's perpetuating this behavior.....it takes 2 you know......to tango, to argue, to fight, whatever.....
I NEVER leave my doors unlocked.......who does that?
This is BS.....that's the best he can do? Complain because she comes in thru an open door or window, but he won't call the cops? He's not doing enough to dissuade her.....do you really think he is?

 
Old 09-07-2006, 02:53 PM   #10
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Re: what to do?

Small rural town.. it's not unusual for anyone to leave their doors unlocked.

Many times I have expressed my feelings about all of this.. he talks to her about it, even WE talk to her about it... but she doesn't listen. She's still waiting for him to pick up the pieces that she broke, but he finally got sick of it.

There has been times that I wonder if it's ever going to change. How long I have to put up with this. Why she can't get it through her head. The thing is, is I'm a girl too and I know what she's doing. I know the game she's playing by the things she tells him, when she calls, when she stops by, the things she does with other people then tells him all about it...

she's playing mind games with him... and he knows it... I think he's waiting for her to take him seriously that he wants to be left alone. He's afraid of hurting her feelings..

some people are really bull-headed, I guess would be the word, stubborn might be a better word.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 02:58 PM   #11
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Re: what to do?

skittles my point is....your boyfriend is ALLOWING THIS TO CONTINUE.....forgive me if I'm yelling.....I AM !!!!!!!!!

I don't care how small the town is......or what all the neighbors do....
how hard would it really be to just lock the door?
wouldn't that practically solve MOST of the problem? He's not willing to do that? And actually the more we go on about this, it really seems as it you're making excuses for your boyfriend and blaming this girl for everything.
Why don't you realize that he can put a stop to it simply by locking the door and taking some other very simple measures?
You're problem is with your boyfriend (although you don't see it).....not this girl
I'm starting to wonder if he enjoys the drama

Last edited by rosequartz; 09-07-2006 at 03:01 PM.

 
Old 09-07-2006, 02:58 PM   #12
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Re: what to do?

skittles my point is....your boyfriend is ALLOWING THIS TO CONTINUE.....forgive me if I'm yelling.....I AM !!!!!!!!!

I don't care how small the town is......or what all the neighbors do....
how hard would it really be to just lock the door?
wouldn't that practically solve MOST of the problem? He's not willing to do that? And actually the more we go on about this, it really seems as it you're making excuses for your boyfriend and blaming this girl for everything.
Why don't you realize that he can put a stop to it simply by locking the door and taking some other very simple measures?
You're problem is with your boyfriend (although you don't see it).....not this girl......I'm starting to wonder if he enjoys the drama

 
Old 09-07-2006, 03:21 PM   #13
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Re: what to do?

[QUOTE=skittles42]There has been times that I wonder if it's ever going to change. How long I have to put up with this. Why she can't get it through her head. The thing is, is I'm a girl too and I know what she's doing. I know the game she's playing by the things she tells him, when she calls, when she stops by, the things she does with other people then tells him all about it...

she's playing mind games with him... and he knows it... I think he's waiting for her to take him seriously that he wants to be left alone. He's afraid of hurting her feelings..QUOTE]


I have to agree that you seem to be blaming her for all her craziness but your boyfriend is allowing it to happen. You really should put the blame on him. What things does she do with other people then tell him about? Is she trying to make him jealous and then he gets jealous and gives into her? If he gets jealous about anything she does, then he's not ready at all for a relationship with you. It sounds to me like if he won't give her up and cut off all contact with her, then he's just not that into you. OK, so maybe he's just a really nice guy and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. That's why I said to ask her parents or maybe a friend of hers for help so they can deal with her crying. But that's about all he should do. She can't play mind games with him if he changes his phone number and locks his doors. You don't need to sit down and have a talk with her about this. There needs to be no talking and instead you just cut off all contact completely with no explanation. She's already received way too much explanation. It's not stubborness or being bull-headed, her actions are borderline or beyond insane. Unless he's giving her some sort of indication that there's hope left for them, which he probably is doing every time he "gives into her." So he's basically saying there's still hope for them --- is that the guy you want to be with and the type of relationship you want to have?

 
Old 09-07-2006, 04:50 PM   #14
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Re: what to do?

I guess I am making excuses. lol... I've never looked at it that way. I guess I just needed a few good people to tell me to WAKE UP!!! I have thought of this stuff so much and many of the things you all have told me, I have realized before, but I keep making excuses for him.

Minnesotagirl- you said

"She's already received way too much explanation. It's not stubborness or being bull-headed, her actions are borderline or beyond insane. Unless he's giving her some sort of indication that there's hope left for them, which he probably is doing every time he "gives into her." So he's basically saying there's still hope for them --- is that the guy you want to be with and the type of relationship you want to have?""

And that is so true. Okay- well I now have a way better grasp on my situation, why I didn't see it before, who knows... I guess I'm just blind!

Thanks to you all!

 
Old 09-07-2006, 05:27 PM   #15
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Re: what to do?

Rose is, as usual, correct. The problem is your boyfriend, not this girl. If he wanted her to stop bugging him, he would have changed his numbers, his email, and his locks. And he would always leave everything locked. He needs to just admit that he's loving the attention and doesn't want it to stop.

Knowing that, though, you need to ask yourself whether you are willing to continue putting up with this crap. You keep saying this is a great relationship and he's a great guy and blah blah blah, but a "great guy" would NEVER allow this kind of thing to continue. He would put a stop to it immediately because his relationship with you would be the most important thing, which it should be.

If he is not willing to do everything it takes to get her out of his life permanently, then he doesn't care enough about his relationship with YOU to make it worth the effort. That's the bottom line. And you need to ask yourself whether you are willing to put up with that or if you'd rather be with a guy who puts YOU first and who actually cares about your feelings.

You keep blaming all of this on her, it's not about her. It's about him and how he refuses to put his foot down and end this once and for all. He's never going to end it so you have to either make him end it or walk away. Those are your only options.

 
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