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-   -   My bearings? what to do,,, (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/427049-my-bearings-what-do.html)

deejay11 09-09-2006 04:37 PM

My bearings? what to do,,,
 
Hi,

I have written a long message and would really appreciate it if you could just read through it and provide some assistance, i checked spelling and stuff so it won't be a total bore! thanks and here it goes:

I have been in a relationship for 3 years now and we have had our ups and downs. Initially we were having terrible sex and i just accepted it because it was my first intimate g/f and we got along quite well. Now we are kinda attatched and she is trying really hard to improve and going out of her way to do things for me and I truly appreciate all of it but the irony in it is that i think i have stopped loving her. I don't know when it hapened, but i just can't imagine a future with her (its not that she's intolerable) but that is how i feel.

I want to explore and have fun, that includes having crazy-intimate-sex which I know I'll never get in this relo. I also want some adventure which is not what we have. We just know how to live together (we don’t actually live together) and how to just kiss and show our care to each other. I have spoken to her and she says she wants a man who is caring and who is honest and good- something simple. So as you can see, each of us have different needs and i think that this decision is going to be one of the most difficult since it will be filled with a lot of hope for something better and regret.

I have tried breaking up with her and we even seperated for a week but then we just got back together because i was feeling sorry that she has been through a lot for me. Am i selfish? this thought always justifies me staying because she has really put a lot out there for me, so I that admit she tried more than I have!

So we got back together and i try to break it up, but it doesn't work. And when i see her, i don't feel anything and i just don't know how to stop! I just want to move on , and find somone else!

I have been in this position for over 4 months now and i can tell that she can tell that i have changed, but the point is that i have changed.

Her bday is coming up in 2 weeks and so once again, i delay the problem coz i feel bad breaking up near/before/str8 afta her bday. Also, she isn't having such a great time either so i feel even more guilty for abandoning her if we do break up.


Am i crazy? Am i really a big jerk with a penis? Why am i doing this and thinking like this? I don’t want to cheat but my mind is wondering outwards!

Please could someone tell me what i am doing wrong? Could someone please help me and provide some advice, I would really appreciate this@

Thank you

Shorty39 09-10-2006 02:40 AM

Re: My bearings? what to do,,,
 
If you don't care for your present g/f anymore then you've got to find a way to end it soon. She deserves to know the truth and probably doesn't want to be around knowing it's only cause you feel sorry for her. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence so be prepared to be let down. Then again this could just be red flag as to you not being meant to be with each other. Don't waste her time or yours. You both would be better off if your not on the same page.

brook65 09-10-2006 07:31 AM

Re: My bearings? what to do,,,
 
I would say that your instincts are screaming at you, that this is not your miss right.

I totally understand where you are coming from, you are not a jerk, we can't decide on our feelings, but we have to listen to our instincts.

The fact that you do not see you both together in the future, is because she is not the right lady for you. This doesn't make her a bad girlfriend, or you a bad boyfreind, it is just that you know you don't feel the feelings you obviously know you should.

Please don't stay with her just because she has been through so much for you, that is like saying you feel obligated to stay, and that you would feel guilty to leave. By doing that you would be doing both of you a disservice.

You are obviously a kind person, and worry about her feelings, I think if you are totally honest to her about how you feel would be best for both of you. Afterall, you don't want to feel like this further down the line when maybe kids may be involved.

Don't feel bad, afterall dating is about finding the right person, you have dated and have decided that she is not the right person for your future.

Good luck:)

Veronica_Mars 09-11-2006 09:21 AM

Re: My bearings? what to do,,,
 
I agree with the other posters 100%. Brook is especially right that while it might seem like staying with her out of loyalty is the kindest thing to do, in the long run, it's only going to make things harder and more painful on her. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make yourself feel something if those feelings don't come naturally, and it's clear that you don't have the kind of strong, loving, passionate feelings necessary to keep a relationship happy and satisfying. That doesn't mean you are a jerk or that she has done anything wrong, just that you aren't the right match for each other. It's tough and sad when that turns out to be the case after dating for a few years, but it's much better to realize this when it happens than to ignore it and continue in a relationship that isn't ideal. Trust me, even though she wants to stay together, I'm sure she can tell that not all is well and that this relationship is causing her stress and concerns too. Having been through something similar several times from your end and once when the feelings were mutual, I know it can be really tough to get up your nerve, end things for good, and stick to your decision. But the longer you put it off, the harder it gets, and the more feelings get hurt on both sides. If you have stronger feelings for a girl who you only know casually than for your gf of three years, the relationship is already finished...the best thing for both of you is to get started moving on now, before things deteriorate further. And don't worry...whether or not you already know her, once you move on, you'll meet someone who you see as part of your future, someone who drives you crazy in bed, and someone who makes all other girls pale in comparison. Don't settle for less!

Bracelet 09-11-2006 08:06 PM

Re: My bearings? what to do,,,
 
I'd be furious if I was dating a guy who stayed with me just because he felt obligated to. You're not doing her any favors staying with her, you're hurting her way more by staying with her when you feel nothing for her.

Just do her a favor and break up with her so she can find a man that will actually love her and want to be with her. This is INSANE to stay with her when you feel nothing but obligation toward her. In fact it's really, really mean.

thegardener 09-15-2006 07:42 AM

Re: My bearings? what to do,,,
 
You obviously hate to cause pain for anyone. Give yourself permission to break up with her and do it.

deejay11 09-17-2006 05:27 AM

Re: My bearings? what to do,,,
 
What if her bday is coming up and also we planned some events with friends (both of us planned it and we're both going). So doesn't this break-up cause problems with these and make mine and her friends really ****** off?????

Should I just wait it out and then break up after her bday? DAMN, the exams are a month after her bday, so what am I supposed to do? I am so confused!

I stayed over in her place these last few days and I don't really feel as though I want to continue. What I am saying is that I am determined to break-up but I don't know 'when' the best time is and 'how' to do it...

Please could someone give me some advice or suggestions... even if it means that you saying that I am an " indecisive, selfish and LOST guy who's just too childish to let go!".

THANK YOU!!!!

brook65 09-17-2006 08:39 AM

Re: My bearings? what to do,,,
 
There is never going to be right time to split, as from her point of view! First her birthday, then her exams, then there will be another reason, and another. That is life.

Like I said before, you are with her still because you feel obligated to stay, because of what she has been through for you, and you would feel guilty about ending it because of her birthday, exams etc etc.

The thing I would say to you here is, the right time to end a relationship, is when you realise there is no future, you do not see her in your future, you are not in love, she is not your Miss Right. Basically, all the things you have already said to us here.

Breaking up is not meant to be pleasant, suppose you were to wait until after her birthday, then after her exams - then what if she got really good results, and then you were to end things with her - then you would think she would feel deflated, and that her happiness of good results would be short lived! or what if she got bad results, you would think, no I can't end it with her now, she would feel even more depressed adding to her misery of getting bad results.

You see, as I said before, the only Right time, has got to be based on your personal feelings.

You are being to soft here, and as I said before you are not doing either or you any favours.

I am sure she would appreciate knowing sooner rather than later.

You are being dishonest in a funny sort of way.

By the way, dont wait until you have the reason (she is pregnant) for not ending things with her. Then that would be sad.

Be strong.


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