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Old 09-09-2006, 08:29 PM   #1
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1
angelsmom HB User
Second marriage blues

When I got married for the second time I thought everything would be different. My second husband and I were married last October. Things have been so so. He was so diffrerent when we were dating. He was exactly what I wanted. From the day we moved in together things changed. He has a son that lives with us and I have a son and daughter who I have sole custody of. So we have a blended family. Last June I gave birth to our first child together. Our precious little girl was stillborn. My husband never ever drank in front of me once we moved in together I found out that he likes to drink a lot. We would argue and argue over this since I have very strong feelings against drinking not to mention we have 3 kids in the house. My husband had never been married before only engaged to his sons mother. I was married for 16 years before my divorce was final. I wanted everything in my life to be different once I was divoreced. But now I find myself in the same boat as the first time. My kids are teenagers and have their own things to do. It is not like it was when they were little. They took up so much of my time that I did not have much of a chance to feel lonely. (I divorced my 1st husband because I found out that after 15 years of marriage he was cheating on me.) Now that I have the time to make a real relationship work but my 2nd husband still wants to act like a single guy. When he asked me to marry him I told him no at first because I did not think he was ready for such a commitment. He had been single for so long and set in his ways that I could not see it working. But I let him convince me that he was ready and that he really wanted to settle down and be a family man. I should have listened to my gut instinct. Now I spend most of my time alone. My kids are off doing what they want to do and my husband is either working golfing or out in the garage drinking and watching sports. I hate myself for making the same mistake again. Are there truely happy 2nd marriages out there? How do I get him to stop acting like a single guy and appreciate the family we have? How do I get him to see how lucky he is? I want to leave but I do not want to put my kids through a second divorce. This is not the life I wanted. thanks for listening.

 
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Old 09-10-2006, 02:20 AM   #2
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(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 182
Shorty39 HB User
Re: Second marriage blues

There truly are 2nd marriages that work. My daughter and I were so lucky to find the man we found. I remarried when my daughter was 2 y/o and she is now 21 and married herself for 2 months so far. I married a young guy at a young age myself. I think I was only doing so to get out of my parents house. Needless to say I paid dearly for that mistake. I love my daughter and she wasn't a mistake but I hated myself for bringing her into this world with my circumstances as they were then. But finally after divorcing her dad and meeting my now husband we had a almost perfect life. My husband and I went on to have 2 boys of our on and he was truly the only daddy/father she ever really knew also.

Have you talked to him about come counseling? Do you have a home church that you are active in? If not, the first thing I'd suggest is to search for a church that you can feel comfortable in and maybe your husband can join you sometimes. Although, he may not at first just can just pray for him and start making new christian friends and let your church family help you meet some of the lonelieness. Fill that gap w/productive things like helping others and never give up unless things start to get violet. I am so so so sorry about your baby girl. That's just a hurt that is so deep and painful but you know what .......That didn't take God by surprise and he WILL and DOES use ALL things for our best benefit and it we give him the glory for all he is due then thats when things start to look better for us in our eyes. There may be someone that has been through some of the same things you've been through and that could really use a friend like you with compassion to say ..."Hey I've been there and know how that feels, let me share my experience with you" As hard as that is it can still be a way for you to also heal in telling your story. Please keep your head up and always look for a better day. Your not being punished and I also don't want to seem like I'm preaching at you but instead, just trying to get you to see that there are many things that we go through and usually they are to benefit us and help others through some of that same stuff. I love it that you've been so very honest here and I hope only the very best for you and your family. I hope that your husband will come around very soon to what you expect out of him. Do you think that this is his way of dealing with the death of your baby? I know that sometimes we tend to do things that aren't so good for us sometimes because of hurt that is uncontrollable in our eyes and our strength. I know that it is lonely to have the kids off doing their own things and its a big adjustment for us as moms too. My daughter I miss very much since she's married 2 months ago and she lives about 300yards from me. LOL
She's just always busy at work or with her husband or tired and sleeping. My 16 y/o boy and 10 y/o boy is still at home and they too; or at least the 16 y/o has his own stuff going on and doesn't need mom near as much anymore. Mine is going through that stage that I don't know anything and he doesn't need me. I pray he'll stay safe when I'm not w/him. The 10 y/o is still so sweet though. I do see some of his self-reliant coming though. My husband and I are home everyday. My husband is retired and I don't work. I'm in no way intend on hurting your feelings or want to try and push you into something you don't feel you need. But sometimes when we are at our ropes end the church is the only place we feel safe at. Just let me hear from you again and keep us posted on how your doing. You'll find lots of encouragement here on this board. Keep safe and God Bless You and Yours.

 
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