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Old 09-11-2006, 09:54 AM   #1
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Would you keep this person as a friend...

Hey, I am battling my heart and mind over a friend of mine. He's male but we've never been involved as more than friends. I've known him for a couple years and we have been through alot with each other. I've been there for him, and he used to be there for me and show that he cared. I am getting fed up with this though.. He treats me as if I don't matter to him. An example of something is this. He is very much into music and I always support him in it. Recently he said that he is going to pursue his dream because "so and so" has been supporting him... umm. ok, I supported you to.. It's like I could say the exact same thing to him that someone else did, but what I said wouldn't matter to him. And then there is an issue of lack of consideration. Over the weekend we were going to hang out..but he kept saying he didn't know if he wanted to.. So I waited all Friday night and then again all saturday because he kept putting me off. I care about him alot which is why I still want to be his friend..but.. would you guys be friends with someone who you care about but when they obviously don't care about you?

 
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Old 09-11-2006, 09:56 AM   #2
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Re: Would you keep this person as a friend...

well I wouldn't be so quick to cut off a friendship, but I would start to pull back......I wouldn't go out of my way for him, and I wouldn't plan around him.
let him make some effort

 
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Old 09-11-2006, 10:08 AM   #3
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Re: Would you keep this person as a friend...

Yeah, I agree with rosequartz. It doesn't sound like he's done anything terrible to the point where you need to cut all ties with him, but he's definitely taking your friendship for granted a bit. The best way to handle it, in my experience, when people don't seem to be showing as much consideration as you'd like, is to pull back a bit. If you keep going out of your way to be a great friend, he won't have any reason to reconsider or improve his behavior. Good luck.

 
Old 09-11-2006, 10:17 AM   #4
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Re: Would you keep this person as a friend...

Hi, I am assuming that you are also male?

Like the others have said, I also wouldn't cut contact with him, he hasn't actually done anything bad, just perhaps been a touch thoughtless.

You come across to me as being a sensitive soul, and I know how you felt when he mentioned that someone elses had been supporting him, that has happened to me a couple of times, and I am also sensitive. lol

Maybe don't rely on him so much, and try and be assertive by telling him you would appreciate it if he notified you when he can't do something with you.

He is probably just laid back, and doesn't even realise he has hurt your feelings.

Goof luck

 
Old 09-11-2006, 11:18 AM   #5
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Re: Would you keep this person as a friend...

Thanks for the replies.. Brooke, I am female lol. And yes, I am sensitive lol. It just hurts when he means so much to me and when we used to be best friends and now he treats me as if I don't matter to him. Anyway, I guess I will just pull back some like you all suggest.

 
Old 09-11-2006, 06:45 PM   #6
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Re: Would you keep this person as a friend...

I had a few friends like that. A couple of them. But I eventually came to realize that they were not doing any of the work in the friendship, but I was. One girl in particular, I thought she was sooooo cool, and I thought we could be really great friends. But she didn't meet me halfway or do anything to reciprocate. And she also did a lot of inconsiderate stuff. So what, did I do?

I pulled back. Slowly at first, but then more deliberately. My sister suggested that I do this, she said she guaranteed that this "friend" would come back and beg me to spend time with her again. I didn't believe her, but sure enough....after about a month or so, she started calling, emailing, texting me, etc., saying that she missed me and wanted to see me again. She said I was always such a positive impact on her life and she missed it so much, so she wanted to start hanging out again.

Well, I hung with out her a couple of times, but eventually, we just grew apart and now I don't even talk to her again.

But seriously, I think that if you start pulling back, you may find that he'll start coming around again. And if not, well...then i guess you have your answer.

 
Old 09-11-2006, 07:15 PM   #7
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Re: Would you keep this person as a friend...

If you have fallen in love with him, and it sounds like you have, you know you must cut contact with him. It is the only way to get over him. Continuing to see him will prevent you from moving on. Maybe, when you are over him, you can renew your friendship, but until then, loving someone who doesn't love you, will just tear your heart to shreds.

 
Old 09-12-2006, 12:06 PM   #8
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Re: Would you keep this person as a friend...

Goodness, I can totally relate! I am a female and had a very close male friend for many years. We talked on the phone once a week and would hang out from time to time. We went to the beach together for the day, went out to see bands, went to parties, etc. Everyone thought we were a couple, but we really weren't. We supported each other's goals and dreams. We never took our relationship to the next level, but I know we both had feelings for each other. I think we were afraid to ruin the friendship.

Anyhow, I would also get mad at the times when he seemed to be playing with my mind. He would mention plans and then last minute decide he didn't want to do it. It was like we would get really close and then I wouldn't hear from him for awhile. I also pulled back and felt it was the right thing to do. I dated other people and just treated him as a friend. It was hard b/c I cared about him, but I believe everything is meant to be.

My personal advice is not to write him off. Why? Well, because my friend passed away unexpectedly when he was 31 years old from a heart malfunction. I was devastated! I am so glad I never wrote him out of my life. I believe you can back off, but never take your friends for granted. It has changed my total outlook on life and relationships. JMO!

 
Old 10-02-2006, 12:27 PM   #9
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Re: Would you keep this person as a friend...

Hey again all.. I have some more questions regarding this "friend". He did it to me again. We made plans about 10 days ago to meet up over the weekend. I was going to go where he lives and we were going to go out drinking lol.. we are both 26 years old. Well at the last minute he decides he doesn't want to do it because he is dating someone and he decided it is wrong. This made me so angry. We had planned a week in advance and when we planned it and talked about it during the week it wasn't wrong.. but at the last minute he decides it is. If you read the post at the beginning of this thread you can see he has a habit of doing this. To make it worse.. I kept badgering him because it made me so angry.. So after he saw I wouldn't leave it alone.. he sent me a text of "My back just popped, i'm going to the ER, talk to you later"... GRRRRR!!! He has a history of lying and being manipulative so I was 99% sure that was just a lie. And since he never said anything about it that night or the day after I'm most definate it was just a lie. so anyway, besides that... It seems lately the only time he talks to me is on text and when we do talk he is always so depressive.. he never asks how i am , or what i'm up to.. It's always about him, him, him. Just like last night, he was texting me about he thinks he is fat.. so I was telling him how he needs to work out, etc... He wrote back with "i will talk to you tomorrow, i'm depressed and fat and you aren't helping".. I wrote him back asking why he is depressed and he replied with "i said goodnight"... I wrote him back again being sympathetic although I know I shouldn't have been and he never replied. So you all said I should keep being friends with him, and I did.. But it's getting to me now. I care about him alot, but all he does is play games, and he obviously has no respect for me. Should I put an end to this friendship? And if so, how? Thanks for reading

 
Old 10-02-2006, 02:10 PM   #10
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Re: Would you keep this person as a friend...

I already told you how. Just pull back. DON'T call! Don't email, don't text, don't stop by. Do nothing. And he'll either not contact you anymore or he'll come crawling back telling you how much he misses youblahablahblah, and you can just tell him you're busy but you'll try to make plans some other time. And then don't make any plans.

That's what I did with this girl, and she totally got the message. I stopped hanging out with her and stopped calling her and everything and she kept calling me and telling me that I was this great friend and she misses my friendship and we should get together blah blah blah, but I was sick of her antics so I just told her I was busy.

So the bottom line is, BE BUSY if and when he calls. Quit making plans with him because he keeps cancelling. What's the point? This guy is a WASTE OF YOUR TIME. Ditch this friend and find others who will treat you better and who won't be so disrespectful.

 
Old 10-02-2006, 02:26 PM   #11
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Re: Would you keep this person as a friend...

It sounds to me like you're coming on way too strong as a friend and you're creating more drama than is needed. Sometimes people back out on plans; it happens. If he continues to do it to you, and it really bothers you, then stop making plans with him. He backed out on plans with you because he felt it might harm his relationship with the girl he is dating. Has there ever been a hint of a possible romance between you and him? My guess is that there has been, which is why he felt the outing would be uncomfortable for him. Maybe what you should have done is said "OK, so how about if we invite more people to go with, so then it is not like it is a date?" Would that have been an option for you?

Regardless of what could've been or should've been said/done (such as your admitted baggering over the situation, I don't think constant baggering will get you anywhere but being preceived as annoying), it sounds like you both seek drama. For example his ER comment -- that was obviously a ploy to get you off the phone as I'm sure your baggering was annoying, but what a dramatic way to do it. And then how he always talks about himself .. drama, drama, drama. Oh wahhhhhh!! Or the fat comment. It seems like he was looking for you to say "oh you're not fat, you look great.." blah blah blah. drama drama drama. I think you need to have a talk with him about your addictions to drama and how you think you can overcome it all. One suggestion would be to find other things to talk about (such as the baseball playoffs or a new movie) that don't involve compliment seeking or baggering or fake ER trips.

 
Old 10-03-2006, 04:57 AM   #12
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Re: Would you keep this person as a friend...

It sounds to me like maybe you have feelings for this guy beyond the level of friendship.........and he probably realizes it. My guess would be that you are in a place that he is not as far as the friendship goes. You constantly are calling, texting, etc and he is probably sick of it because his feelings aren't the same as yours.........and he is probably annoyed by it all. When he is blowing you off and making excuses for everything under the sun that should be your sign to step back and give this guy room to breathe.

 
Old 10-03-2006, 06:03 AM   #13
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Re: Would you keep this person as a friend...

Quote:
Originally Posted by barton93
It sounds to me like maybe you have feelings for this guy beyond the level of friendship.........and he probably realizes it. My guess would be that you are in a place that he is not as far as the friendship goes. You constantly are calling, texting, etc and he is probably sick of it because his feelings aren't the same as yours.........and he is probably annoyed by it all. When he is blowing you off and making excuses for everything under the sun that should be your sign to step back and give this guy room to breathe.
That is actually NOT the case at all. He always calls me, he always texts me. HE made the plans for us to hang out. That is what I don't understand. I am not after drama, I am not always in his face.. It's HIM

 
Old 10-04-2006, 03:22 AM   #14
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Arrow Re: Would you keep this person as a friend...

Sounds like you like this guy more than a friend, maybe you don't even realize it. You wouldn't wait all day & night for him if you didn't. Maybe to him, he doesn't see you in that light because you never expressed to him the extent you care.

Last edited by Kia3238; 10-04-2006 at 03:22 AM.

 
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