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Old 09-11-2006, 09:07 PM   #1
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graavy train HB User
men who hate women

i read this book from cover to cover today in the bookstore. it's about men who hate women--misogynists. the premise is basically that these men fear abandonment , so they grind a woman down systematically until she believes she is worthless, always at fault, and cannot leave the relationship--ie, the man wants total control.

i was shocked at the extent to which i identified with the feelings expressed in the book. i have literally found myself on occasion sobbing out loud, "love isn't supposed to hurt this bad, is it?" i've thought to myself repeatedly, how can this person possibly love me and behave this way?

on the other hand, there were things that just don't fit, and i was wondering if anyone else has had experience with either this book or a relationship described in the book. because in all of the reviews, women kept saying, oh, this was 100% my ex. i haven't read a single review/article where the woman says sure, my bf exhibited certain behaviors and not others.

i'm asking b/c ex is back. my head is telling me to run, but it's always difficult when you have strong feelings for someone, which i still do. his main weapons seemed to be criticism (including "helpful" criticism), put-downs disguised as humor, and withholding of interaction/affection. he also used to pick on me for weird things that weren't any of his business and had some behaviors that i identified as making me feel "belittled." of course he's all sweetness and light, now.

on the other hand, there's a number of things that never fit the model. first, he's not jealous/possessive. second, he encourages me to have outside interests/friends, and does not get angry if i spend time with others. although he DOES tend to criticize my friends. additionally, HE keeps leaving ME and then crawls back debasing himself to get back together. he seems genuinely pleased when i accomplish things. finally, he is MORE than willing to get therapy--he's had it for himself individually, we've gone as a couple, and now he wants to go when we're NOT a couple.

so, i can't figure. i mean, a lot of the feelings were spot on. but a lot of the behaviors weren't there. so, does that mean it's me? or could he have misogynistic "tendencies?" will it get worse over time?

 
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Old 09-11-2006, 10:28 PM   #2
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Re: men who hate women

Well, I guess I have just one question for you - why would you put up with someone who tries to put you down and belittle you? What does it really matter if he fits the label of mysogynist or not? If he has a habit of criticising and trying to manipulate you by not being affectionate, why would you just stand by and take it? Why would you even want to hang around for something like that?

Maybe you do need to take a closer look at yourself...and evaluate why it is you accept that kind of treatment, and keep pining for a man who would treat you like that?
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Old 09-12-2006, 01:43 AM   #3
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minijumbofly HB User
Re: men who hate women

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
... What does it really matter if he fits the label of mysogynist or not? ....:
Amen. Don't bother with all these guru books on behaviorism or psycology etc etc. Most therapists couldn't get things spot on even when they are dealing with one on one situations.

You've been in your seesaw relationship for some time now. And you actual anticipate events fairly accurately. So you already know him and yourself well. Now I tell you, people DON'T change, not that much.

Given all that, decide if you are content with the current relationship or not. This is about YOU, nobody else, not even BF. The hardest part is always in trying to make up your mind. Once you've done that, the rest will become clear.

Hint: If you are on the board more than once with the same issue, the odds are not good. It will get worse before it can get any better.

Good Luck

 
Old 09-12-2006, 05:41 AM   #4
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Re: men who hate women

Quote:
Originally Posted by graavy train
i read this book from cover to cover today in the bookstore. it's about men who hate women--misogynists. the premise is basically that these men fear abandonment , so they grind a woman down systematically until she believes she is worthless, always at fault, and cannot leave the relationship--ie, the man wants total control.


i'm asking b/c ex is back. my head is telling me to run, but it's always difficult when you have strong feelings for someone, which i still do. his main weapons seemed to be criticism (including "helpful" criticism), put-downs disguised as humor, and withholding of interaction/affection. he also used to pick on me for weird things that weren't any of his business and had some behaviors that i identified as making me feel "belittled." of course he's all sweetness and light, now.

on the other hand, there's a number of things that never fit the model. first, he's not jealous/possessive. second, he encourages me to have outside interests/friends, and does not get angry if i spend time with others. although he DOES tend to criticize my friends. additionally, HE keeps leaving ME and then crawls back debasing himself to get back together. he seems genuinely pleased when i accomplish things. finally, he is MORE than willing to get therapy--he's had it for himself individually, we've gone as a couple, and now he wants to go when we're NOT a couple.

so, i can't figure. i mean, a lot of the feelings were spot on. but a lot of the behaviors weren't there. so, does that mean it's me? or could he have misogynistic "tendencies?" will it get worse over time?
well the first part of what you described sounds like someone with borderline personality disorder.....the fear of abandonment, need to control, etc.

the rest of it sounds like NPD.....he could be a narcicissttt

eitherway, why try to put a label on it.....just get away from this sick controlling behavior before it sucks you back in again......he's manipulating you.

 
Old 09-12-2006, 08:22 AM   #5
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friendof HB User
Re: men who hate women

Hard to say. In my opinion at times many people will display behaviour that fit into these descriptions. Does that mean that is what they are? Not necessarily. A relationship is always two people and how they interact determines how each will act...if he has trouble with communication with you to get what he needs maybe he'll start using some of these tactics unknowingly. Maybe you allow this behaviour so it goes unchecked, once he finds a way that works for him why would he change?
I guess my point is that if he seems so willing to work on things ie. therapy etc. then maybe there is hope. It all comes down to the severity of his behaviour. On the other hand if your little voice is telling you to run then it might have a good reason.

 
Old 09-12-2006, 09:32 AM   #6
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Re: men who hate women

Quote:
Originally Posted by friendof
I guess my point is that if he seems so willing to work on things ie. therapy etc. then maybe there is hope. It all comes down to the severity of his behaviour. On the other hand if your little voice is telling you to run then it might have a good reason.
I would say the same thing. IF he's truly committed to wanting to change and you truly desire to be with him, then you can give him one more chance. I wouldn't necessarily call him a "mysogynist" but he does have issues. Maybe he's a commitmentphobic and if things are going "too well," he has to sabotage the relationship by saying/doing something hurtful It's a possibility. Also, if he ever leaves you again, that should be it. You can't allow him to put you through all this turmoil repeatedly, for your own sanity and well being.

 
Old 09-12-2006, 12:37 PM   #7
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BetsyJean HB User
Re: men who hate women

I've been there, and I've done that.
Listen to your head.
Please.

Your heart can heal, your mind is something else again.
You can keep your feelings for him, but you can choose not to be with him.
From experience I would strongly suggest you choose to walk forward in life without him.
Also from experience I had to learn to hard way - I hope that you will choose not to.

 
Old 09-12-2006, 06:07 PM   #8
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angeleyes0906 HB User
Re: men who hate women

hi,

I own the book your referring to and am very familiar with it, and the behavior associated with it. The men profiled in the book are basically mentally and physically abusive and actually believe that the women in their lives bring on the "negative" responses. They are insecure and use your faults to make themselves feel better. The smaller you feel the better they feel. They typically have good relationships with coworkers and friends. Their relationship with their mother is typically one that they don't really recieve possitive feed back, can be caused by mother leaving, or being perfectionistic and never quite measuring up.

As another poster stated don't read too much into the books, they are a source of information but almost all people at one time or other can fit any profile. You should base it on repeat behavior or a period of time. If the relationship and this man in general makes you feel belittled then that should be your answer. We all have disagreements and say bad things from time to time, but the intention should not be there to tear the other person down.

Relationships are only as good as the two people in them, and can only succeed if both people are happy and fulfilled/it sounds like you have tried counciling both together and seperate and it goes back to the same old, same old.

Hope this helps,
Best wishes
angeleyes

 
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