It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-12-2006, 06:19 PM   #1
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Springfield, MO
Posts: 521
Cassie4u22 HB User
Unhappy Just broke up...College student...guilt and stress unbearable. Help.

I've been a member of these boards for a while, and I have found everyone to always be so kind and offer such unbiased advice - so that is why I find myself here after I just broke up with my live-in boyfriend of nearly 3 years last night.

I just turned 21 this past year, and he just turned 23. I love him dearly, but this past year I was just getting a "vibe" that he wasn't THE one. Lots of little things were building up inside of me, and I can't quite put my finger on it but it was just a cloud of doubt surrounding me that told me "don't jump into marriage with him...he's not for you."

These past couple months, I had started having a crush on a coworker and I could feel it intensifying between us... nothing physical, more of an emotional thing. I started hiding things from my boyfriend. I started wanting to go out more, have fun with friends, drink, and have a good time... none of which my boyfriend wanted anything to do with. He has always been a homebody, not very social, and doesn't like drinking. I felt as though I was putting him second to other things in my life, and I believe that the one who you are meant to be with -- well, you should WANT to put them first in every way. I just wasn't feeling that. I loved him, but my heart just wasn't into it because all I could think about was those feelings of doubt. I have always believed that you will never have any doubt about the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.

I put an end to our relationship last night, and it was completely unexpected for him. The best way I could describe to him the reason for this sudden break up was that I just "had doubts" and that I had a "feeling" that this wasn't right. He moved all of his things out in two hours, and now I am here, in an empty apartment, feeling so alone. I feel guilty because throughout our relationship he would ask if I really wanted to marry him, and I would always say yes, just because I didn't have the heart to tell him otherwise.

I feel overwhelmed with guilt. We had two cats together, and they were practically our children - we both doted on these cats and loved them so much, but technically they were both mine, so they are here with me at the apartment. I know he is feeling so much pain, because it all happened so sudden and unexpectedly.

I have been crying almost non-stop, and I keep questioning myself if this was the right decision. I can't concentrate on my studies, and I can barely even force myself to smile. I feel hopeless. I feel as though I ruined his life...actually, I know I did. He now has to live back with his parents, alone, without our sweet cats which he LOVED, and above all, he does not have the person he "thought" was his soulmate. I feel awful. I know he was under a lot of stress anyways b/c of school and work, and now I just added this on top of it all - just pulled the rug right out from under him.

I feel so selfish, but at the same time, I couldn't stand to just let my college years pass me by without having a social life. I haven't been single since I was probably 16 years old... I feel I need to get out there and see the world, be independent, and find someone who I without a doubt want to be with.

Am I selfish???? How long does it take to get over something like this??? I feel so hopeless right now, like I will never find my soulmate. Above all, I feel LONELY, so lonely. Going to bed alone and waking up alone is probably the worst feeling ever. I thought once I dumped my boyfriend I would want to go out and hang with friends and be "free" but right now, that's not what I want to do either. I am so depressed!!!

I suppose what I am looking for is just some encouragement or kind words of wisdom or ANYTHING really... I just need input right now. I am so lost, and I want this sadness to go away. Please, help.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 09-12-2006, 06:55 PM   #2
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 182
Shorty39 HB User
Re: Just broke up...College student...guilt and stress unbearable. Help.

Hey sweetheart. You've came to the right place if your looking for encouragement. I know that its hard to be with someone you thought was gonna be your soulmate and then you start feeling that maybe they're not. It kinda strikes me funny that you wanted a social life and yet your feeling lonely. Although, I do think that it is completely natural for you to miss him and feel really bad this early into the breakup. Just be completely honest with him when he tries to contact you and I'm sure he will. Maybe don't jump into anything just because you are feeling lonely. You must be sure what you think you want and whats best for the two of you. Don't lead him on. And don't be too harsh. Try and understand his feelings too. Afterall, this has caught him by surprise if he didn't know that it was coming. On the other hand, I can't help but believe if you've been kinda emotionally looking at this other guy, that he didn't sense that to some extent. Or maybe he did, but just was in denial. Take care and continue to let us hear from you. Just take things slow with him and others and make sure that you forsure don't want to be with him.

 
Old 09-12-2006, 08:04 PM   #3
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 470
plasva HB User
Re: Just broke up...College student...guilt and stress unbearable. Help.

You broke up with your boyfriend suddenly, without warning, without first suggesting couples counselling, or talking things through, or giving him a chance to change. In my opinion, that was unfair. Relationships will never be perfect. Sooner or later, your commitment is tested; I guess you were not ready for "for better or worse," if you're just going to suddenly end the relationship, without trying to save it. That wasn't fair to your ex, but at least he finally found out about your lack of commitment.
I know what your boyfriend is going through, so for his sake, I hope you will do something nice for him, to at least show you care, maybe a gift certificate to the local animal shelter, so he can a new cat when he's ready.

 
Old 09-13-2006, 11:20 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 1,420
GypsyArcher HB User
Re: Just broke up...College student...guilt and stress unbearable. Help.

Quote:
I felt as though I was putting him second to other things in my life, and I believe that the one who you are meant to be with -- well, you should WANT to put them first in every way.
The person who comes first in your life is always going to be you. Just because you want to go out and do things and have your own life doesn't mean you were betraying your boyfriend. However, it doesn't sound like you want to be settled down with one person, which is fine. Don't feel selfish. If you didn't love your boyfriend, then it was better to let him go then to keep stringing him along.

Quote:
I feel so hopeless right now, like I will never find my soulmate.
I don't think a soulmate is somebody we'll just run into on the street - it's something that has to grow. I've spotted hot guys from across a room and gone, "Ooh yeah, now that's my soulmate." But that's just physical, chemical attraction. A person has to become your soulmate. They don't start out that way. It happens when you are involved with someone, or even just know them as a friend, and you find yourself caring about them. Their life matters to you. You want them to be happy, and healthy, and well. And they bring a certain glow to your life as well. That's a soulmate.

I don't think there is just ONE soulmate out there for each person. You could have a countless number of potential soulmates. So don't stress out as though there is only one guy out there for you, and if you're not careful you'll miss him.

Quote:
I thought once I dumped my boyfriend I would want to go out and hang with friends and be "free" but right now, that's not what I want to do either.
Maybe what you liked was being able to go out and have your fun, yet knowing you had somebody waiting for you back home? I'm that way. I like to go out to clubs and hear bands and check people out, but I'm always happy to know that I have my warm, cuddly boyfriend to go home to at the end of the night. Because that whole bar/club scene can seem exciting, but the truth is it's also pretty hollow and empty.
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

 
Old 09-13-2006, 11:51 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 584
redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
Re: Just broke up...College student...guilt and stress unbearable. Help.

I understand all your thoughts and feelings. I think that when you are so young and in a serious relationship that is heading towards marriage, it's hard not to feel the way you do. I think the natural progression of life nowadays is to go through high school and college, having fun, learning what you don't want in relationships, be happy and carefree, party, have pure selfish fun. You kinda need to get that out of your system. Then you're ready to settle down with "the one."

But when "the one" comes at a time when you haven't gotten to experience adult life on your own yet, it's more difficult to do all those things that you want to do for you, when there's someone at home who is ready to settle down and live a married life.

I'm just not sure that your doubts were necessarily about him, perhaps they were more about your own immaturity? And I don't mean that in the negative sense, so please don't take it that way, I just mean you being young. You've just gotten to the age when you can legally go out and experience nightlife. Sure, it's not the place where you're going to meet your future husband, but it's where you and your friends can bond and you can have some fun. So you want to go out and do that, did your bf ever say he didn't want you to?

I think that all your feelings are justified, but you may have jumped the gun on breaking up with him. Why didn't you ever talk to him about how you were feeling? See if he minded you going out and spending some nights w/o him? Explain to him that since you're so young, the idea of marriage is sorta intimidating? He might have laid off the marriage talk a bit, maybe relaxed a little. Who knows how he would have reacted. But if you guys were so close and ready to get married someday, why couldn't you tell him all along that things were feeling weird?

 
Old 09-13-2006, 12:36 PM   #6
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 182
Shorty39 HB User
Re: Just broke up...College student...guilt and stress unbearable. Help.

Well as a mature unselfish woman, mother and wife. Happilly married and mother of 3 wonderful children. I'd just like to say, although I did want to see what the bar scene was all about; I'd like to suggest that is no place for a young lady to be or man for that matter. We don't have to have alcohol to have a fun loving time. Nor to be have to have sex before marriage. I think that those things complicate the decisions that we have to make regarding our lives and who we want to be with or if we even want to be with someone right now. It's best that we just stay away from places like that. There is so much danger in those kinda places. Although it's not anything wrong with having friends over to have fun listening to music and just fellowshipping together or going to concerts and just doing safe things. I didn't have anybody in my life at ages 17-23 that told me those were not places for a young lady to be. You don't NORMALLY find husband material in a bar. I did have one person in my life tell me that the man sitting at the bar or dancing w/every woman wasn't gonna make me happy. But that I might think he would cause we usually want someone that everybody else is so attracted to. This might sound a little silly right now. But it was just a learned lesson that turned out to be very expensive for me. LESSON LEARNED AND PAID IN FULL. There is just usually fights, and bickering in those kinda places and a lot of men only wanting one thing. Although this is not always the case. But most of the time proves true.
Sweetie just take your time and go have fun w/your friends w/o doing things that could lead to distruction. Be safe and we'd still like to hear more from you as time progresses. I know theres gonna be people that say its ok to go to the bars and hang out w/drunks; but it really isn't any future in all that. Please be careful. And remember who holds the future and if you look to him for guidance he'll be sufficient to meet those needs as well as all others. I was just thinking I can't remember what your age was? I'm sure you posted it but I'm fixing to send this post to you and wasn't going back to read the original one just to find your age before sending. Please don't think I'm saying that you should be quick to settle down either. There's plenty of time for all that. And you WILL know when the time is right. I disagree with there being more than one soulmate for us out there. There is ONLY one TRUE soulmate for us. Although, we don't always have to patience to wait on that person and sometimes we goof up and throw it all away. There are numbers of significant others that we can settle for in our lives and do ok with; but yet only one really truly soulmate that was made specifically for us and in that relationship is where the abundance of blessings come from. But when we don't wait to find that one person and we chose second best we can still even have a good relationship w/that one too but its just not #1
Best of everything to you. Keep us posted.

 
Old 09-13-2006, 01:01 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Springfield, MO
Posts: 521
Cassie4u22 HB User
Re: Just broke up...College student...guilt and stress unbearable. Help.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I just wanted to clear some things up that I probably should have addressed in my first post...

My boyfriend was never the social type. Throughout our relationship, he lost many friends b/c he claimed, "I give them up for you." I have never believed in giving up social time or friends for a boyfriend, no matter how in love you are. This didn't correspond with my values.

So I still yearned to go out with friends and be social, but he frowned upon many of my friends. He is the one who told me that I always put myself and my friends before him, and he didn't like that. He began trying to control who I hung out with. We had many talks about this, throughout the relationship. Things were not changing.

I am a fun person. I like to do things, go places, have a good time... and I'm not referring to just "drinking." Many times I pleaded with my boyfriend to go to a baseball game with me, go to wine country and do some wine and cheese tasting, go to the movies, go on vacation with me, (I even offered to pay IN FULL! I was THAT desperate) or do a number of other "couple" things, but he ALWAYS had an excuse... no time, didn't feel like it, weather wasn't quite perfect enough, etc. etc. I felt my life was becoming so mundane. I saw friends who had long term boyfriends and they had stacks and stacks of pictures of themselves with boyfriend doing all kinds of fun things. To me, that is what is fun about being a couple with someone you love - you can share in the experiences of life! My boyfriend would rather always just "relax" at home. I felt I needed more in life.

But I did express to him many times about what I felt I needed from him, but he just couldn't give enough. It wasnt his fault - I just felt I needed something more that I just couldn't get out of him because it wasn't there to begin with.

Ok. Hope this makes a little more sense. Although I am 21, I didn't dump him just so I could go make the circuit on the party scene, but yes, part of my decision was fueled by the desire to have more independence without someone else breathing down my neck about every decision I wish to make.

I feel as though I have a good head on my shoulders, I am already in an accelerated program at my university, starting my MBA program before I even graduate. I get good grades, I feel I have good friends, and I have a steady job I enjoy.


But yes, anyways, I am still feeling desperately sad and depressed, and above all, guilty. I hate this. How long does it take for the feeling to go away? What is the best way to deal with things? I hear keeping yourself busy is good, but all I want to do is lie in bed and sob. Please keep the posts coming, it does brighten my day to read them, whether good or bad.

 
Old 09-13-2006, 01:36 PM   #8
Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 353
friendof HB User
Re: Just broke up...College student...guilt and stress unbearable. Help.

I think you did the right thing Cassie. Regardless of whether there is only one soulmate or many he didn't sound like the one at all. Plus, it would only get harder to break up the longer you stay together. Believe me, a little pain now is nothing compared to staying in the relationship for many many years. Sure I do feel bad for the poor guy but it's not like this was really out of the blue for him...sounds like he knew you were unhappy.

As for men in bars looking for only one thing...well I think that is true of all men bars or not...of course some of us are looking for more than that as well.

Good luck Cassie! You deserve to be happy!

 
Old 09-13-2006, 02:16 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: SF
Posts: 542
bulletproof HB User
Re: Just broke up...College student...guilt and stress unbearable. Help.

One thing that will help is for you to stop thinking that you ruined his life. He is only 23. His life is far from ruined. He may not believe that right now, but eventually he will. There is no reason to feel guilty for breaking up with someone. Maybe the guilt stems from the other things you mentioned, like not being fully honest about wanting to marry him. But breaking up in and of itself is nothing to feel guilty about.

The only thing you can do right now is let some time pass, and assure yourself that down the road, when he has had time to heal, maybe you can apologize if you still feel like you were dishonest with him. There's really nothing else you can do. If the feelings weren't there, you couldn't have made yourself feel them. It's not selfish to want to be happy and unfortunately, we sometimes have to ruin someone else's agenda in order to gain our own happiness.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
I'm depressed, just need someone to talk to oopymoss Depression 22 01-11-2010 10:27 PM
Just A Bit Of Advice ... Maybe? caelum Depression 4 03-22-2009 04:45 PM
So it's 5:20 central... and i just woke up... Drifter09sm Mental Health 2 07-06-2008 03:53 AM
college student with headaches sal5683 Headaches & Migraines 7 03-30-2007 07:02 AM
I just Relapsed after 6 years, 11 months, 26 days lilly5 Addiction & Recovery 11 11-28-2005 02:13 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:38 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!