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Old 09-13-2006, 04:48 AM   #1
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Smileygal HB User
Asking too much or expecting too little?

Hi! I can't believe I am posting this but here goes. I am in my 30's, single mom to a teenager and my boyfrirend is a single dad in his early 40's with two kids...pre-teen. He has been separated two years, divorce just became final this month. We have been a couple six months. He has his kids alot. When he has his kids, I don't spend time with him...his choice. I don't have a problem with taking that part of our relationship slow. He met my child who is eighteen, six weeks ago. I have meet his but only once spent time with them....both of us with all three of our kids went on an outing. It was a great day with no problems. I am his first relationship since his very long marriage ended. I understand him not wanting me to spend time with his kids until he was sure he saw this relationship going somewhere. Most days I don't see him he does phone me. Every single day he has not had his kids, we spend together.....have since the first date. He is so good to me and goes out of his way to make me happy doing little every day things that most people don't think to do or appreciate. I have been really understanding of the keeping the kids and me separate, being a single parent myself, I get that. However when's the point when that needs to change? This week he has to travel for business and every day he is not gone for business he has his kids. A few of those days were not to be his days with the kids but he has always swapped days with his ex if he is going to be out of town so he still has his kids the same amount of time. He has the kids way more then half the time. Five days this week and two days this week out of town. I have been patient with this but am thinking that by now, six months in, he would want to have me around some times when he has the kids. Especially when if he doesn't then he doesn't see me at all this week. Actually it will be 13 days since we saw each other the next time he doesn't have his kids. His ex is not sitting at home pining away for him. She moved on long before he did and has even bought a house with her new partner. Her new partner is often with the kids as are his kids around them alot. As you can probably guess, I am wondering if I am asking too much to want to be in the picture with the kids once in a while? He is the best father and I love that about him but I can only be put on the shelf for so long. I don't expect everything to change overnight but I don't understand why I can't be around even one evening when there is not one "free" evening in the enitre week. I know it may sound like he really isn't that into me. But he truely is wonderful to me otherwise. I honestly can't believe I have met such a great man. Except this one thing....I'm tired of being patient. I haven't said anything to him and just hoped eventually patience would pay off. Thus far it hasn't and I am thinking it has been long enough that there should be some progress being made. What would you do in this situation?

Wanting off the Shelf!

 
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Old 09-13-2006, 11:00 AM   #2
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Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: Asking too much or expecting too little?

Congratulations on your relationship. It sounds very promising and I think you have found a great guy. However, I can see why you're frustrated at not spending time with his kids, though six months in I definitely don't think that you should feel like this reflects poorly on his feelings or commitment to you. It takes time to merge families and some people feel more comfortably doing it more gradually than others. I doubt it has anything to do with how much he cares for you. So, it would be a big mistake, in my opinion, for you to approach this at all negatively. If you bring up the issue to him as if there is a problem, as if he's not doing something he should be doing, as if he's doing something wrong, and/or as if you are displeased or dissatisfied with him, he is likely to take that as a negative approach and respond negatively by getting defensive and feeling pressured and criticized. That would risk damaging or jeopardizing your relationship, and I don't think this issue is worth doing that over. What I would do is start making occasional suggestions for activities you could do with his or both of your children, in a positive and non-threatening manner. That way you give him the opportunity to start including you more and show him that you'd like to be more involved with his family without making him feel attacked or under pressure. He might not go for all your ideas and it might take some time and patience, but when you approach an issue with positive solutions rather than complaints, you inevitably get a more positive result. Good luck!

 
Old 09-13-2006, 06:40 PM   #3
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Shanlo HB User
Re: Asking too much or expecting too little?

I would give him another 6 months at less. Maybe he is trying to see if this is a long term relationship before he involves his children, especially if they are young. Are you really going to have that special place in his heart that a lover, or wife would have in a man's heart? I just experienced something like this and uggghhh. I was married for 5 years and my H enjoyed his kids more than me. I could not make a fuss about that, my hat is off to a good men being great daddies. His kids were in his life before me, that is how he felt.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 03:17 PM   #4
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Smileygal HB User
Re: Asking too much or expecting too little?

Veronica,

I love your post! Thanks. I think I will try that. Duh. That's likely the advice I would have given someone else. Funny how things are hard to see sometimes when it's "you" in the midst of it and it involves your emotions.

Shanlo, I understand not having the kids around until you know it's a LTR, being a single mom, I have had bf's I never bothered to introduce to my son. I guess I was thinking that given we spend every minute together that we aren't at work when he doesn't have his kids that he would know by now if he saw long term potential or not. If not then what's the point in continuing on is what I was thinking. I should have the spot in his heart that a "lover" would given I am his "lover". I don't even want to be around all the time when the kids are. But a few hours occasionally shouldn't hurt especially when otherwise we go a week or two sometimes not seeing each other at all. So I will take Veronica's advice and ask once in a while. That is afterall how we ended up going on the outing we did go on together. I knew he was taking his kids to the fair for the day and I asked if my son and I could join them. It turned out to be a great day for everyone.

He really is "amazing" and I know I would be giving up one of the good ones if I moved on. I recently told him "I love you" and scared the crap out of him. LOL..couldn't help it. He told me to be patient with him. I don't think he even "feels" anything about if he wants this to be long term or not yet. I assume he knows, he never misses an opportunity to have me there when he doesn't have the kids. Unfortunately he closed down his emotions years ago when his then wife said something awful to him that really hurt. I count myself lucky that I even know that and that he felt comfortable enough to tell me that and what was said that caused this. Given I know about this, I understand. It's just so difficult. It doesn't help that I'm pms'ing...got upset about this stuff last month too. Just have to remind myself that it will pass.

Thanks ladies.

Oh yeah, Veronica, as for your comment that it takes time to merge families, which is a given, he has commented that he has read that more often then not it doesn't work. Hopefully he gets beyond those thoughts at some point.

Last edited by Smileygal; 09-14-2006 at 03:19 PM.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 03:45 PM   #5
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Shorty39 HB User
Re: Asking too much or expecting too little?

Just hang on girlfriend......He'll most likely come around. I think that maybe in his mind he would like to make sure it's gonna most likely work between the two of you before REALLY involving the children. And you and I must respect that because in so many relationship the children are introduced to many potential partners as to only find out its not gonna work. I respect the fact that there are still a few people that like to have their minds made up and then introduce the children. Instead of introducing several significant others and then the children getting confused when things don't work out. Children tend to very easily open their hearts and grow close to the parents mate and then if things don't work out they are really hurt also. It's a compounded problem that everyone will need help working through then. Kids attach to our significant others quickly. I also believe that when we do this that we have a much bigger success rate at blended families and then we all get along much better. Hang in there and hold on the rollercoaster is about to take off. It'll be fine but have some patience sweetie. I don't think your second best. He's just wanting to be certain. And you never know what he's already telling his children and preparing them for. Best of Luck to all of you and let us hear from you often.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 02:53 PM   #6
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Veronica_Mars HB User
Re: Asking too much or expecting too little?

Hi there,

Glad it helped to post here. Sometimes it helps me a lot just to write everything down and try to think of my situation more objectively. Not to mention that it's a lot easier to give advice to other people than to know what is best to do, lol, which is one of the reasons I like this board a lot. Anyway, I agree with Shorty's advice and think that in this case, you should hang in there. A lot of times I've noticed with guys that if you are proactive about suggesting specific things to do, they tend to do a lot better than when you ask them generally speaking to plan something. So hopefully it will help if you come up with an idea occasionally for you to do together with your kids, it sounds like he's just trying to be patient and careful before getting his kids too attached to a new woman. I hope everything turns out well and that you keep us posted. For the time being, I'd just enjoy what you have and trust that you'll grow closer as time passes. If awhile down the line you still aren't satisfied then maybe reexamine the way you feel, but for now, I would just see how things go. Good luck .

 
Old 09-15-2006, 03:25 PM   #7
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Smileygal HB User
Re: Asking too much or expecting too little?

I honestly feel like he's "the one". I am 36 and have never had any man treat me anything like he does. I will tell you a bit about that later. I never even thought the two I considered marrying were "the one". I am seriously happy except this ONE thing. I know why he's doing it....it's just so tough...especially at pms time. LOL. Although it's hard, I do okay with it until pms time. What's a "girl" to do? I will tell ya more later. I need to get to bed as I have been up 27 hrs and need to be back at work at midnight which is in 5.5 hrs so I have to go catch some zzzz's for now. Thanks again. Likely in a month I'll be back saying "this sucks". Ha! Ha!

 
Old 09-15-2006, 03:47 PM   #8
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Shorty39 HB User
Re: Asking too much or expecting too little?

I still truly believe that he is just possibly trying to make sure that you are for sure the one. I bet he's as happy w/you as you are with him. Its just that if something goes wrong right now then it wouldn't be as hard to get over everything it he's the only one that knows about you for now. Instead of him trying to comfort his children and himself it everything goes south. Maybe he's just protecting the children so as they aren't hurt. It'd be really hard to try to help the children and himself. On the other hand I do not believe that anything whatsoever is going to happen bad. He'll come around and have ya'll all together very soon I bet. Keep suggesting things to do every now and then. And if he's still not ready when given ample time then will deal with that too. You a very kind and compassionate person as well as mature and putting his and the childrens needs first. You don't always have to be last though. Hang in there sweetie.

Be good to yourself
Patti

 
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