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Old 09-13-2006, 08:39 AM   #1
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Unhappy Please help me save my relationship !!!

Hi everyone...

I need some good solid advise. I have been going out with my girlfriend since Feb 06. I am 30 and she is 22. After 2 months of dating I had a major back operation done, and she stuck by my side the whole time. During this period we never argued and got along so well.

Everything was going really well up until about 2 1/2 months ago. Then we started bickering every time we saw each other. I didn't know what my issues with her were but I figured it out. I feel that she is not affectionate enough. When I go to kiss her she only gives me a peck on the lips and kind of pulls away. We do have sex but when we do I feel as though I have to "ask" for it (once we get into it she is really into it). She says she simply does not like to kiss. I can't really remember if we did kiss a lot in the beggining so it is hard to tell if that has changed. I bring up the affection thing, and bring it up quite often, but I get no where. She gets mad at me for bringing it up and says that I am insecure about our relationship. As you can imagine this leads to a lot of heart ache and pain. She also feels that I am stressing her out.

I know she hates her job, has a lot of stress at home, etc. Maybe I add to that? I hate arguing but if I feel a certain way shouldn't I bring it up?

She did tell me today that she doesn't think she can give me what I need?

I love her, I just don't know what to do.

I don't want to lose her because she means so much to me.

-JB

 
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Old 09-13-2006, 09:08 AM   #2
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

your GF sounds like a cold fish.......if you're not willing to live your life without affection, you need to seriously re-think this relationship.
Also at 22, she is more immature than you probably are at 30.
It doesn't sound like a real good fit to me.

 
Old 09-13-2006, 09:13 AM   #3
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

I don't know if I can help you save your relationship, but I can tell you that you really need to address her comment of not being able to give you what you need. It sounds to me like she is trying to edge her way out. I also think that when a person withholds affection it is often a sign of building resentments. It may be that she is too young to be this serious with someone. You may just be at different places in your lives. Either way, I'd have a serious talk with her as soon as you can. It doesn't have to be angry, but maybe you just ask her if she is still fully invested in this relationship, because if not, it's time to move on.

 
Old 09-13-2006, 09:40 AM   #4
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

I can somewhat relate to her not kissing much -- I'm not the type of girl who needs to be kissed every time I see my BF and we don't really kiss in public that much, but we have our moments of spontaneity. But, that's exactly how my BF is, too. Some people just aren't that affectionate. Sounds like she's one of them. Either you deal with it, or you find someone else. You can't just make her kiss you more if that's not her personality. She's telling you now that she's not that affectionate of a person. She thinks you needs lots of affection. So that's why she doesn't know whether or not she can give you what you need. I find it odd that you can't remember if you kissed a lot in the beginning -- Feb wasn't that long ago! I'm sure you do add to her stress because you're coming across to her as insecure and needy. That means more work on her part to keep you happy. She may just not be ready for a serious relationship as well.

 
Old 09-13-2006, 10:11 AM   #5
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

wow, this is all hitting me like a ton of bricks. I really believed that she was the one. We even went to look at rings together. I don't know how this has happened....

It sounds like everyone is telling me to break up with her. I don't want to do that but I also don't want to be with someone who can't give me what I need.

This sucks!!!

 
Old 09-13-2006, 11:07 AM   #6
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

I don't think you have to necessarily break up with her, but something needs to change, because neither of you currently sounds that happy with the relationship. I think you should talk to her one more time and tell her how much you care...tell her that affection is important to you and that you'd really appreciate any efforts she can make to show you that she cares, but that you know that it isn't helping anything for you to bring it up repeatedly and make her feel nagged/guilty for not being different than she is. Hopefully that will take some of the pressure off her and she will respond well by making more of an effort to be affectionate and especially to initiate affection. It should also remove a source of negativity, all the arguing about this issue, from your relationship which is always helpful. Especially when you are arguing about the same thing repeatedly, it tends to erode a lot of the energy and love from a couple. So if you want to make things work, I think you need to reassure her that you love her and want her just the way she is, and stop responding negatively when she's not as affectionate as you'd like, because that undoubtedly only makes her less inclined to be affectionate. Your best chances of her coming around will be if you stop reminding her what she isn't doing...instead try to focus on the good things about your relationship and the things you agree on, and I bet you guys will start enjoying your time together more.

 
Old 09-18-2006, 10:17 AM   #7
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

Well she broke up with me on Saturday morning over the phone...

Friday night she went to happy hour with her company (we used to work together). I spoke with her over the phone before she left and she said she would call me back, that was at 5:30pm. I waited until 10pm to try and get in touch with her, I tried a couple of times and then decided to take a drive. I went to a bar that she goes to, not where the happy hour was, and she was in there with two guys from work. When I went to kiss her on the lips she turned and kissed me on the cheek. I then kissed her on the lips and she got ******. When we left we got into a huge fight. She broke up with me the next morning over the phone. She said that I ruined her career by doing that. ??? Maybe because I left that place she feels funny???

She didn't call me all weekend despite my trying to get in touch with her and even sending flowers. I called her job today and we spoke for a few minutes... she agreed to meet up with me later for coffee to talk...

What advice can you guys give me?

Thanks
-JB

 
Old 09-18-2006, 11:04 AM   #8
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

What happened during this time that you had your back surgery? Something seems to have happened between you two during this time. Was there a problem with her helping you or something?

 
Old 09-18-2006, 11:31 AM   #9
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

During the recovery period she stuck by my side. She was the best girlfriend a guy could ask for... Since late July, early August we started bickering and I started questioning the relationshipo a lot. I would say things like "are you sure you want to be with me? , etc..."

It just went wrong between us and there has been alot of tension these last two months....

 
Old 09-18-2006, 11:35 AM   #10
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

It sounds to me like she's just not that into you. You said she hates her job, so then why is she so worried about her career? And if you know she isn't the type to want lots of physical attention, then why would you try to kiss her at that bar? Obviously you did so to "mark your territory" in front of those other guys, so to speak, and she can pick up on that. Women don't like that. Sounds like you are very insecure about the relationship and that's not healthy. She's picking up on that and that has turned her away from you. She also was somewhat untruthful with you when she said she would be at one bar but was at another. Perhaps she did go to the original bar but then left with those two coworkers to go to her regular bar. But, she didn't call to invite you to go with. You were checking up on her and she knows that. She felt funny about you kissing her --probably for two reasons. First of all she isn't that affectionate of a person, so kissing in public probably made her uncomfortable. Second, she may not have told those two guys that she was dating you or even that she had a boyfriend at all. So obviously she felt embarrassed by you kissing her. That's why she turned her cheek. What, did you want to force her to kiss you on the lips after she turned her cheek? You should have got the hint right then and not tried to kiss her on the lips again.

She broke up with you and then you tried desperately all weekend to get in touch with her, even sending her flowers. She told you what she wanted when she broke up with you. I don't think she was kidding! You need to respect that, even if it means a broken heart for you. It sounds like she is not the one for you. That means it is time for you to start healing from it and move on. With your age difference, she wants something totally different than what you have to offer right now.

I'm not really sure what you need to say during your coffee talk. You can express your heartbreak over the situation, as I'm sure she knows already, but seeming desperate isn't going to get her back. It may be impossible to get her back, as she's probably not the right girl for you. I think you need to apologize for kissing her in front of those guys when she had obviously given you the signal (by turning to her cheek) that she didn't want to be kissed. You can ask her why -- did she want to appear single to those guys? Probably so. If she doesn't want to continue the relationship with you, you need to respect that. No amount of begging can or should be able to get her back. Begging isn't healthy.

 
Old 09-18-2006, 12:20 PM   #11
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

She said she didn't want them to know we were going out because I used to work there with her. She says that she felt if people knew we were datng they would fire her...

I did want to let them know that I am her boyfriend...


Anyway am I setting myself up for more heart ache if I meet up with her? I am trying to get her back. That is all I want...

 
Old 09-18-2006, 12:25 PM   #12
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JBravo223
She said she didn't want them to know we were going out because I used to work there with her. She says that she felt if people knew we were datng they would fire her...

I did want to let them know that I am her boyfriend...


Anyway am I setting myself up for more heart ache if I meet up with her? I am trying to get her back. That is all I want...

yes - and what exactly are you trying to get back? she's not affectionate and doesn't treat you like a boyfriend......I'm confused.

 
Old 09-18-2006, 12:36 PM   #13
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JBravo223
She said she didn't want them to know we were going out because I used to work there with her. She says that she felt if people knew we were datng they would fire her...
Why rolling your eyes? I think you know that what she said about possibly being fired was a bunch of bull! If you don't work there anymore, how could they fire her for your relationship? That doesn't make any sense. It sounds like a lie she is using to cover up the real reasons she didn't want to kiss you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by JBravo223
I did want to let them know that I am her boyfriend...
You wanted to let them know that you were her boyfriend. Obviously you felt threatened and insecure. She picked up on that and it has turned her away from you. In a healthy relationship each partner should be able to be open and honest about who you're hanging out with - so she could have told you she was there at the bar with those two guys - and then in a healthy relationship, you wouldn't mind because you would trust her. You obviously didn't trust her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JBravo223
Anyway am I setting myself up for more heart ache if I meet up with her? I am trying to get her back. That is all I want...
I agree with Rose. Why are you trying to save this relationship if it didn't satisfy your needs, she was untruthful with you, and all of this has caused both of you much stress and pain. What's so great about it then?? Seems to me, not much at all.

 
Old 09-18-2006, 01:26 PM   #14
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

I think that right now I'd just lay really low for awhile.....if she sees that you might not be reacting as she thought you would (or like you have been acting) then it's more apt to make her wonder if she really does want to break up. She already has wittnessed you being all torn over the end of the relationship so try to be the opposite. Let her wonder for alittle while. Don't show any emotions toward her that she expects you to show. Can't hurt anyway. Might even help.

 
Old 09-18-2006, 02:41 PM   #15
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Re: Please help me save my relationship !!!

Well She instant messaged me telling me that she can't meet tonight because her dog had to go to the hospital due to breathing issues. I know the dog has been sick but I honestly don't know if she is telling me the truth right now. I asked if she wanted me to go with her and she said no...

 
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