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Old 09-14-2006, 09:45 AM   #16
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duchess66 HB User
Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

thegardener:
Thank you for your reply and your kind words. I AM willing to go to counselling. I have never had a problem with that or with airing my feelings in general. I am very emotional and open with my feelings and for that matter, so is my DH. He always tells the kids and I that he loves us, is more than generous with hugs and kisses all of the time, and has the potential to be an amazing individual. He just lets his anger and irritability get the best of him. He has to learn that his words aren't just "words" and that he cannot expect to say them and not have ppl get upset over them. That is why it bothers me that he is not willing to go to counselling. I think he is afraid that he will be "blamed" for everything that is wrong in our relationship. I have no problem in taking responsibility as well. It does take two.

Although not perfect, I do consider myself to be a very pulled together person. That is what makes things even more confusing because I wonder how I could be in this situation in the first place. I have had my share of problems over the past cpl of years. My hormonal anxiety causes me to be an obsessive worrier over the health and saftey of my children and myself. I have good days and bad days, but I deal with them the best that I can. I just wish he understood this more.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 09:46 AM   #17
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Destea HB User
Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

While I definitely agree that you going to get your own council is a great idea, I feel like you're taking an easy route by not trying to make him take accountability for his actions.

His unwillingness to go to therapy and work on this with you, is not the way of a partner. He has to put in his work, his time, and his effort into fixing things, it shouldn't be your burden alone. I'd really put my foot down on this, regardless of his complaints. To suggest he doesn't want to tell a stranger his personal things, well what happens when you end up separated and divorced because he was too proud to do the right thing? He ruins everyones lives, including his own, because he's proud? Sometimes, in marriage, someone just has to suck it up. When a wife is building resentment this strong towards her husband - he needs to suck it up or deal with the consequences of the growing resentment. This is SO common, and such a fast way to break down an otherwise decent marriage.

Of course he wants to have it for himself, but sometimes that first step takes a good shove through the door and some 'tough love' to get them there and really open to the idea that - hey - they DO need help. And boy, does he need help. And so do you. The sex life is always the first thing to go... after that it's all downhill fast. He needs to do right by you, AND by your kids. He's not doing either, and he needs help realizing that. Forceful to the point of, if possible, "look get serious about fixing this or get out and think about it on your own for a bit."

Harsh but this guy is not listening to you, and being VERY reactive and defensive, that's a very hard battle to fight on your own. I'm sorry!!

 
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Old 09-14-2006, 10:15 AM   #18
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duchess66 HB User
Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

Destea, there is no need to be sorry. I appreciate ALL of the advice that I am receiving.

I agree with all of your thoughts. I have talked to him in the past and even resorted to writing him letters, so that he will actually "hear" what I am trying to say without verbally defending his actions. I have put my foot down on more than one occasion. I have stressed to him what I need in this relationship, and that is a loving, nurturing relationship. I don't think that is too much to ask for. I have also asked him what he wants changed, so that I am being fair, and he says that he just hates that I pick on him for everything and blame him for everything. I have basically told him to "shape up or ship out", so far, he hasn't done either. When he sees how serious I am, he changes his ways, but it never lasts. It could go on for 2-3 days, or sometimes 2-3 weeks, but we always end up back at the same point. I tell him that it is because we never actually resolve our problems. He thinks that we can do this on our own, but I pointed out that we obviously cannot.

Last edited by duchess66; 09-14-2006 at 10:39 AM.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 11:01 AM   #19
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Destea HB User
Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

Well, you're definitely right. Maybe try another letter telling him this pattern is not resolving itself. This "2-3 days" of better times isn't cutting it... I'm sure you've done this, you sound like you've been very forward and open with your expectations in a marriage and in trying to resolve this downhill trend, and he's just resisting.

If he wants to save his marriage, honestly, and yours - he needs to stop making excuses. You know this, I know this - I think most of us do. Regardless of what your family says about this always being how he was and how you've changed, or any thing else, PEOPLE change. Especially over this amount of time, and a marriage takes constant reworking and adjustment. If it's not okay now, it doesn't matter that it was okay before, especially when it's just bringing everyone involved down.

Whatever you think you can do, as harsh as you may need to be, he needs to step up and imo - you need to accept nothing less than his 100% agreement to join you in couples therapy to FIX this problem. Avoidance won't make it go away

 
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