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Old 09-13-2006, 01:48 PM   #1
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Sad, angry, confused.........

Hi. I am new to these boards and I am having severe marriage problems. This is going to be long, but I really need to get it all out.

My husband and I will have been married for 18 years at the end of next month. We met when I was 21 and he was 26. He knew both of my brothers and played baseball with them. We were engaged after only 3 weeks of knowing eachother, and married 14 months later. It all just felt really right, and I still have no regrets.

We currently have two children, a 16 year old daughter and a 14 year old son. They both mean the world to me and we have an unbelievably wonderful relationship.

Over the years my DH and I have had the normal ups and downs expected in marriages. We have had our share of fights over money, family, and raising the kids. The past couple of years, the fighting has become more frequent and more severe. I think the reason for the increase is due to the fact that in the past, I wouldn't always stand up for myself, and lately, I have become much more firm in what I want and what I believe in.

He isn't a bad person. He has always been the main bread winner and a very hard worker. When the kids were young, I worked parttime, but for the past 6-7 years, I work fulltime as well.

He has never been physically abusive, but he can be verbally abusive in defence to someone getting angry or upset with him. For example, he will come down really hard on our DD just because she doesn't seem as close to him as she was when she was a little girl. He doesn't even try to understand what a teenager might be going through, and when he doesn't get the response or reaction he is looking for, he gets really upset. This has caused our DD to not want to have much to do with him.

I am much more open and understanding to the behaviour of our children. They are both amazing individuals, with good heads on their shoulders, and alot to offer the world. He knows this, but lets his anger get in the way all of the time.

Our DS, on the other hand, goes out of his way to try to keep his father happy. He is very sensitive to ppls feelings, and wants everyone to just get along. My DH and our DS play around together all of the time, like wrestle, play catch, etc...and they can be getting along really great, then one thing sets my DH off, and they are mad at eachother. I feel so sorry for our DS because I see the hurt that he feels after trying so hard. He shouldn't have to worry about these things.

Lately, my DH and I have been having MAJOR fights, with alot of name calling, etc...Unfortunately, it most always happens in front of the kids. I know this is wrong, but it is so hard when you are very upset and angry and it just happens. I hate myself after I respond to these situations. I really try to just ignore it but when I see my children upset about something he has said to them, I just lose it. We have solved things in the past through mature conversations and discussions, but it always comes back. I have suggested counselling many times and he flat out refuses. He says that he doens't have to tell anyone his personal problems. I told him that counsellors will help us DEAL with our feelings, anger and resentment towards eachother, because that is exactly what is happening, at least in my case, I am starting to resent him. We used to be so close and ppl used to tell us how happy we looked together, and they were right. After so many years of the same crap over and over again, I have lost all respect for him.

I know for a fact that he still loves me. I know that somewhere inside, I still love him too, but I put up this wall so that I am not disappointed over and over again. Some days, I am just angry and think it would be easier if we just separated. Other days, I am sad because I know he is a good person who just needs help dealing with his feelings. There have been days when my children ask me why I married him. That makes me so sad. They do love him but the fighting is getting to be too much.

He has accused me of turning the kids against him, but I told him that if I wanted to do that, all I had to do was sit back and let him do what he is doing. I intervene because I want the kids and him to have a great relationship. I want our kids to grow up and be able to tell ppl what a wonderful father they have.

I know that I have changed over the past cpl of years. I believe that I have been going through perimemopause. I have had problems with anxiety and also have severe mood swings at different times during the month. I do get angry at him alot for the way that he acts. It really bothers me that he isn't very supportive or understanding of what I am going through. When I get mad at him, he asks me if it is because of my "mental problem" again. This just really upsets me.

There is so much more I can tell you, but this is already way too long, and I could go on forever.

Does anyone have anything to say that could help me deal with all of this? I am just soooo confused.

 
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Old 09-13-2006, 01:51 PM   #2
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Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

is there a chance that your husband has BPD, borderline personality disorder, or BP bi-Polar? It almost sounds like it, and I don't blame you for standing up for yourself more.....don't stop doing that.

 
Old 09-13-2006, 04:01 PM   #3
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Talking Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

I THINK YOU JUST TOLD MY LIFE STORY(REALLY) Only mine has alcohol involved. But he does the same things you mention sober. Does your husband drink (I doubt it cause it is really worse then) I recently told mine I wanted to break up. I as you don't want to but I AM WORE OUT WITH THE FIGHTING FOR WHAT I WANT, and my kids. I really feel your pain. All I can say is maybe you could split up (not break up) still date etc. I did that a while back of course we got back together and nothing changed. But I myself should have stated what needed changed and steps to make those changes on both of our parts! It seems all mine cares about is his feelings and what he wants. My kids as yours are 16,14 & 7 and they can't stand him 80% of the time, but they do love him. He has accused me of turning the kids against him. My kids will say they hate him and I get on them and I tell them no matter what your dad loves you and you should not hate him, you only have 1 father. I know they have a right to say it though so I am understanding with them, but I let them know he just needs help (that he refuses also). IT is very hard and breaking up is hard to do, but living in this hell is harder I HOPE! I can let you know. I hope things get better. Oh mine would always say you starting your "period" and say I am crazy, psycho. He is the crazy one and I think they know it

 
Old 09-14-2006, 05:55 AM   #4
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Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

Thank you both very much for taking the time to read my post and to respond.

As far as having BPD or BP, well it is always a possibility, although I don't really think those are the case. He does exhibit one or two of the traits, but is far off from the others.

I think it is more of an anger management issue. I honestly believe that his upbringing is responsible for alot of it. Don't get me wrong, he comes from a very loving family, but from what I have heard, his parents, mom especially, seemed to be really hard on him. She was always criticizing his behaviour, expecting way too much from him and NEVER giving him credit for anything. He used to get upset when he would tell me that she would always tell him to not be stupid. I have even heard this on occasion since we have been married right out of her mouth. I know she meant well, and always wanted her son to behave in a certain manner, but she went about it all wrong and now the kids and I must deal with the consequences.

You see, my DH loves to talk, is very loud, and can be very funny. People meeting him for the first time are very impressed by him because he seems very outgoing, very kind and has a sense of humour. This is all true BUT when you get to know him better, you start seeing the "true" him. While he can still be nice, he also criticizes very much and gets irritated very easily, especially if he feels he is being criticized in anyway. Basically, he can dish it out, but he can't take it.

His father passed away in June 2005, after being diagnosed with colon cancer 4 months prior. I know this was very hard on him and still is. Some family members ask me if our problems stemmed from this, but I tell them that we were having these issues far before his father was even sick. I am sure that it doesn't help the matter anyway.

As far as your question, "Iwant2quit", my DH does like to drink, but it isn't very often and has not been an issue with us, although, when he does driink, he becomes even more abnoxious and ignorant. If he starts yapping when he has been drinking, I just straight out tell him "I will talk about whatever you are talking about tomorrow, when you have a clear head", and I basically ignore him.

I have a very big, close family. My parents, two brothers, two sisters. and all of their spouses and children. We are all very close. More than one family member has said to me "Your husband has always acted the same way, it's just the way he is, why does it bother you NOW?" They are convinced that it is ME who has changed. that all of a sudden what was acceptable behaviour now isn't. Maybe they are right, but in that case, WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT???

 
Old 09-14-2006, 06:00 AM   #5
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Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

well if you think it's an anger management issue, can you suggest to him that he looks into a class on anger management? tell him from the perspective that you love him and you don't want him to have high blood pressure or a heart attach from getting so upset? actually that's how I discovered my ex had BPD.....I THOUGHT he had an anger management problem, but anger and rage is a symptom of BPD. After reading the anger management boards here and taking it a little further research wise.....it was crystal clear.....he has BPD. He doesn't have an Anger management problem......Anger isn't the problem, anger is the SYMPTOM of BPD. I hope you're right and it's just an anger problem......

 
Old 09-14-2006, 06:40 AM   #6
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Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

Hi Rosequartz Thank you once again for taking the time to help. I am not dismissing the possibilities that you have suggested. I know that either way, there is a "mental" issue going on. I am just lost as to knowing where to go from here. The hard thing is that when we get along, we get along really well. Our sex life has diminished drastically because of ME. He would have sex everyday if it was up to him, but if I am even the least bit upset with him, I do not feel close enough to want to do anything with him. He thinks that I should just "let go" of my anger and go on. He knows that he is in the wrong, he has admitted this to me many times in the past, but lately he blames it all on my moodswings, and is convinced that I pick on everything he does. Maybe he is right, but lately everything he does DOES annoy me.

If I confront him about for example, calling one of the kids "stupid" or something like that, he will say, "I know I shouldn't have said it, but it's over now, I didn't mean anything, just let it go!". I tell him that once it is said it cannot be taken back and I let these things replay over and over again in my head until they drive me crazy. I am so afraid that the kids will be traumatized from this type of verbal abuse, but they insure me that they don't let it get to them and that I should just ignore it.

Our children have more common sense than their father, and I hope that this doesn't change and that the "pattern" doesn't continue with them in their grown up lives. I hope they learn from our mistakes. Am I worrying too much about their feelings, and underestimating their ability to deal with these situations?

I should also mention that when I said that he is verbally abusive to me, it usually isn't directed at me personally. You see, I know I am a good, smart woman, mother, friend, and NOTHING he could say would make me feel diffrently. He knows this, so instead of making fun of me, he will pick on my family, knowing I get very defensive. When he gets mad at me, he will say stupid things like, "this isn't your house, you didn't put anything into it", which is SO not true, because we both make good money, him just a little more than I and he pays the mortgage and I pay the bills. We also both do housework. For awhile I wasn't cleaning because I was angry at his comments, and one day, he approached me and asked me why I wasn't helping out with the cleaning and I responded "It isn't MY house, like you said, so why should I clean it!!!" Well, he hasn't told me that it wasn't my house again.

Sorry for rambling, it is just so hard to explain everything without going into all of this detail. It is helping me just getting all of this out. I am in shock at how much I am able to write on this topic. I obviously have many issues.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 06:47 AM   #7
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Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

Quote:
Originally Posted by duchess66
Hi Rosequartz Our sex life has diminished drastically because of ME. He would have sex everyday if it was up to him, but if I am even the least bit upset with him, I do not feel close enough to want to do anything with him. He thinks that I should just "let go" of my anger and go on. He knows that he is in the wrong, he has admitted this to me many times in the past, but lately he blames it all on my moodswings, and is convinced that I pick on everything he does. Maybe he is right, but lately everything he does DOES annoy me.
It's not YOU......I don't blame you for not wanting sex....you resent him and you don't feel close to him. I know....I've been there. That's the thing about people with BPD (not meaning to harp on this, maybe you're right, maybe he DOESN'T have it, you know him better than I do), they always blame their partner for everything.....mine would blame me for his anger and I kept telling him that he's responsible for his own anger. He would always try to blame me for "making him mad".....sorry I'm not owning that.....he's responsible for his own behavior and his own feelings. They like to play the victim a lot.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 06:57 AM   #8
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Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

Rosequartz, if this is indeed the case, what do we do about it? Is there anyway to get throught it? Tell me more about your experience.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 07:10 AM   #9
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Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

well I read some very good books....
one of them is called "stop walking on eggshells"
another one of them is called "I hate you, don't leave me"
Ive also read some books about verbal abuse, etc.
after reading about it, and seeing so many things more clearly, it makes dealing with it easier....you can make an educated decision on what to do......stay or go......I went.....because I've been divorced, and my ex-husband was abusive to me, and I recognized the signs in this BF and I knew better.....I wasn't going thru that again.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 07:19 AM   #10
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Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

I am so sorry that you had to go through what you did, but I am glad that you made the right decision for YOU and that you are getting on in your life. I cannot thank you enough for your advice and I will DEFINITELY look into getting those books that you suggested. I am even considering going to counselling by myself, just so that I can learn how to deal with MY feelings and hopefully be able to somehow stop this destructive pattern that we seem to be in over and over again. To be honest with you, it is all just TOO exhausting, and I really don't have the energy for it anymore, nor the time to waste worrying about it all of the time. There are more important things going on right now. I know that sounds awful, but it is how I feel. When my DH is at work, the kids and I are so much more relaxed at home and I truly enjoy my time with them. They are the most important ppl to me right now. The funny thing is that when my DH and I aren't on speaking terms, he is wonderful with the kids. I think it is totally worth sacrificing my relationship with him to keep it that way. Some may think I am wrong, but it just seems so much easier that way.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 07:32 AM   #11
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Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

Quote:
Originally Posted by duchess66
The funny thing is that when my DH and I aren't on speaking terms, he is wonderful with the kids. I think it is totally worth sacrificing my relationship with him to keep it that way. Some may think I am wrong, but it just seems so much easier that way.
sorry I have to disagree with you......what are you teaching your kids when you do that?
kids learn by watching their parents.....your kids are learning from you that self-sacrifice is ok as long as someone ELSE is benefitting.....you're teaching the kids that your feelings aren't important.....you could also be teaching them to be co-dependent. I don't want to be harsh, I'm trying to tell you for your own good. Sometimes staying together for the kids doesn't really help them in the long run. If you left this situation, you would be teaching them that you need to respect yourself, and don't let someone else disrespect you. You would be teaching them to stand up for themselves and value themselves. It's up to you. I know I may be oversimplifying it, but it took years for me to get this strong. I used to put everyone elses feelings/wants/needs first (because that's what MY MOTHER DOES). I finally smartened up and realized that I can live without a lot of people......LOL

 
Old 09-14-2006, 08:13 AM   #12
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Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

Don't be sorry. I know it isn't the right thing to do. Like I said, sometimes it is just easier. I think that the counselling idea is my best bet. Maybe if I learned how to deal with my issues, other things will fall into place. If they don't, at least I know that I have given it a try, even though he refuses counselling. In the end, if it just isn't working out, then I will have my answer and my decision made. I just really hate the thought of separation, not so much for the fact of being alone, but more because I hate disrupting routine. I hate the thought of taking the kids out of a home that they love, because realistically that is what would end up happening.

You mentioned your mom always doing things for everyone else. My mom is giving and caring but not like that so I don't know how I became that way. I do love her, but she is very selfish and materialistic. I am just not built that way. I am an extremely empathetic person, to a fault, EXCEPT when it comes to my DH. He is the only one in the world that can bring out so much anger in me.

When we fight, my DH threatens to leave, and I honestly wish he would! He never follows through. When I ask why he changed his mind, he says that his mother told him not to give me the satisfaction of him leaving the house! Unbelievable. Then I wonder where he gets it from. I think a separation would be good for BOTH of us. Time to think and decide what we want out of this relationship.

Does anyone else have any advice or similar experiences to share? Please, it really helps me knowing that more ppl are going through this and I am not alone.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 08:21 AM   #13
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Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

Quote:
Originally Posted by duchess66
When we fight, my DH threatens to leave, and I honestly wish he would! He never follows through. When I ask why he changed his mind, he says that his mother told him not to give me the satisfaction of him leaving the house! Unbelievable. Then I wonder where he gets it from. I think a separation would be good for BOTH of us. Time to think and decide what we want out of this relationship.
My ex-husband used to threaten to leave me, threaten to divorce me, etc......he did that for 10 years.....one day he made good on it.....

My ex-boyfriend who was over at my house an awful lot, had a lot of his belongings there, etc......he tried to pull that crap on me, stormed out and told me he was leaving, etc......
do you know what I told him?
I'LL HELP YOU PACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got a few boxes, packed up all his stuff and it was by the back door.....boy was he surprised and sorry when he saw how quickly I would do that. I'm not playing that game again with ANYBODY.

I suggest the next time your husb says he's leaving, offer to help him pack.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 08:29 AM   #14
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Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

HAHAHAHAHAH, I will do that!

 
Old 09-14-2006, 08:29 AM   #15
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Re: Sad, angry, confused.........

Hi duchess, I loved what you did with not cleaning the house and then telling him it's his house, what a hoot! You sound really pulled together. I feel sorry for the effect that your husband is having on your children. Can you get them into counseling? I believe you should go too even though you said that you don't want to. Maybe if everyone else starts counseling, your husband will change his mind. You can always quit if it doesn't work out for you. I felt really bad for what you said about your son. As you were describing it I could see it happening right before my eyes, how heartbreaking! You're right, you changed, good for you! When your husband calls your children stupid he can apoligize to them. Well I hope I didn't forget anything that I wanted to say, it was such a long thread! Good luck and keep us posted.

Last edited by thegardener; 09-14-2006 at 08:39 AM.

 
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