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Old 09-14-2006, 05:40 AM   #1
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italianbeauti HB User
Unhappy any advice is welcome!

My husband and I have been together for just about 5yrs now and married 4. He is 26 and Im 25. I don’t know where to start really. I really love this man but I don’t think there is anything I can do about his personality!! When I first met him he was so sweet and loving, he never yelled and I rarely saw him get upset. I love my husband so much and I know he does too but this is not what this post is about this is about something I have never confessed to anyone before. My hubby he is affectionate to me and a loving caring spouse…except when you get on his bad side. I feel like I am dealing with a angel one minute and the devil the next! After we got married I (not necessarily because we got married I think its just as time went on) his anger/temper has increased.

Public/Strangers:

I think he has little patience, he has lashed out in public, which I find to be embarrassing and told him it was-…of course I got yelled for not agreeing that they were wrong or whatever the case was- so now I make no comment and just turn my head. For instance he has major road rage and has thrown things out the car at people, if a lady at the register is taking so long to get her manager he exclaims ‘what the hell is going on, cant u just find the god##m price yourself?” stuff like that..and that’s just the tip of the iceberg…

Work/School/Hobbies, ect:

He goes through many jobs and whines to me how everyone is against him or they are all A holess and winds up leaving to find a better one. In the 5 yrs I have know him he always had problems at work (getting in yelling matches with coworkers, supervisors not liking him) of course none of this is because of him! He is now on a contract job and may not get re-contracted because of his anger problems (which he denies by saying all his supervisors just don’t like him for no reason at all). He has stopped and started school 3 times and quit in the middle because things got ‘tough’, even when I offered to help him, if he didn’t understand something I was showing him he would throw whatever he had, book, pencil, (Even laptop!) and just stop.

Personal:

Being married to him was wonderful in the beginning but it has progressively getting worse. He would find little things to yell at me about petty things like leaving a towel on the bed or not putting dishes away.I know I can be messy but for him to say ‘if you keep this up we r gonna have serious problems”. whatever what’s the big deal I think to myself. But now it has gotten to the point if I even slightly disagree with him he gets so mad. If I want to do something and he doesn’t like it his attitude changes. He says a lot of the same things when we argue like: “Are you even listening to me?!” “What don’t you understand or ‘you just don’t care about what Im saying: Now I just agree with him and so much crap just to avoid making everthing an argument. We have gotten in arguments over small things which have ended in him threatening divorce just because I wasn’t seeing eye to eye. I have noted in a lot of aspects of his life (school, jobs, relationships, ect) that when things get tough he wants to just quit/leave, thus the divorce suggestion I guess. If anyone should be threatening divorce it would be me. He always turns things around to make me feel guilty even though I know I shouldn’t. There have been instance where I suspected him of cheating and I was horrified to confront him because of his temper. The few times I brought it up (this happened on more than one occasion of me being suspicious of him cheating)and he blew up. He said really mean things to me that someone should never say and got enraged I would even fathom it, even with all the ‘evidence’ I had. In the beginning when he said something mean to me I would just get frustrated and eventually break down in front of him, only 4 him to say ‘if you r gonna cry leave the room’. So I did.. Then when he would say something 2 upset me I would start to cry but just go into the bathroom and not come out until I stopped. Then he would say “are you over it? Because I am” and I would reply “yes” and would hug and that would be the end of it. Truthfully, though I would still be hurt and wish he would at least apologize. Oh I had brought that up (4 him to apologize to me) and he would say ‘why? you made me get to that point’ or ‘I was like that because you weren’t listing to what the f I had to say!’ so like I said he tries to turn it back on me I know sometimes its me ..just not EVERYTIME!!!. One time we got in a big argument (of course I was crying) and he kept telling me ‘if you don’t like it (his attitude) then leave. “ So I got a bag put some sh&t in it and went to walk 2 the front door. He told me where r u gonna go? I said hotel or mom. Then he stepped between the door and me and got all sweet and of course I stayed. I don’t know when it started but when we would argue he would come and get all close to my face and yell and I would push him away just because I didn’t like him so close like that which instantly made me shut down argument wise. I guess it made him think he was gonna win whatever we were arguing about..anyways Fast forward a few months and we are arguing about something and he is being all mean and I keep asking him something (the sad thing is I don’t even remember what we were arguing about) and I mentioned something about his family and some girl and us and he got ****** and shoved me not so hard but I was emotional and cussed at him and stormed outside. Well then he goes and knocks me down outside (a hard shove) of course I go running bare feet through the streets and hide. He finds me and apologizes and says how sorry he was. I didn’t let him touch me for 2 weeks and he was being so nice to me after that…and life went on

..now forward a few months back from 2day and I am drunk as hell .
(Speaking of drinking: in the 5 yrs I have know him he has never been ‘drunk’ in front of me. His friends tell me that he has been drunk, and he tells stories of when he was drunk but I haven’t seen him but drink 1 beer maybe 2 around me. I don’t know but I think its weird just because he talks so much about getting drunk and likes getting me drunk, but I think maybe he would confess something 2 me or his anger would get out of control and he know it therefore doesn’t??)
We had went to a strip club(it was his b-day and he always said he wanted to see me get lap dance so I figured what the hell) anyways to make a long story short we both got lap dance from one stripper and I though he was liking it even though I was embarrassed. Then we get to hotel and he started calling me ‘dyke’’lesbo’ and saying how the lady was a ‘*****’ because I wuz getting most of the attention and not him. Of course I had a lot of alcohol in me and u know its not called liquid courage for nothing. I was ****** now and actually started this argument(which I never do) and he was yelling back. I told him why the f are u never '***** happy? You act like your life is sooo $hitty? You don’t even know what $hitty is…..and what not, ect…. NoteI had a very difficult childhood and his was not that bad-his grandparent adopted him when he was 3 because his mom was druggie other than that his upbringing was pretty normal) I then continued with saying just cause you hate your mom doesn’t mean you have to hate all women and then he lunged at me and was choking me on the bed! I was fighting (im very strong) and kicked him off me and went to call the cops but he unplugged the phone. I was bawling and he kept trying to calm me and say im sorry..im sorry and I was cussing and screaming at him. We were @ hotel and had no car so I just went to the bathroom and cried then he tried to comfort me and I didn’t let him. I stayed up for 5 hours crying while he sat in a chair next to the bed looking at the window. I told him how wrong that was, ect,ect. And he understood. He told me that we should talk when I was sober. So we did and his told me he was truely sorry that it would never happen again and actually said “I know I need help” ..we never brought it up after that day. Nowadays, if I start to get upset to the point I might cry I just calmly walk away like nothing is wrong and go ‘use’ the bathroom where Im usually crying then fix my makeup and dry my eyes and come out like nothing is wrong. Its funny but I feel like I am becoming like that character from Desperate housewives-Bree(the redhead) Where on the outside everything is awesome: smiles, jokes, perfect this perfect that, but on the inside I want to scream, cry and destroy something. I don’t know, Im just tired of walking on eggshells and feeling this way. I want to help him desperately with his moods but I thinks sometimes its something deeper and sometimes its me. I don’t know what to do!! Am I too nice and layback of a person? Im sorry for my irrate ramblings! This is the first time I ever let this out and sorry if its confusing as the flow was random as hell.

P.S. I am posting this 2day at work but cant check it for a day because we(my hubby and I ) will be together all day tomorrow so please respond if you want(negative or positively) and don’t think I am not reading!!

Thanks in advance for reading this drawn out thing and posting comments!!

 
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Old 09-14-2006, 05:43 AM   #2
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Re: I want to help my hubby

Italianbeauty, it sounds like you have some decisions to make. Your husband sounds like a classic abuser: everything is your fault, you make him do these things, he's sweet then he's abusive, you walk on eggshells to stay safe, he's in control, etc. Do you know how to contact a spouse abuse center. The most important thing here is that you stay safe. You need to get to a spouse abuse center. I kept hearing you say that you need to help your hubby. Have you ever heard of codependency. It is when someone meets another's needs to the exclusion of her own. You said that there was something about your upbringing that wasn't good. Well, this is where this came from. You deserve a better life. You must be careful though so that you can stay safe. If you stay with your husband it most likely will only get worse and the only way that it is going to get better is if he goes to counseling. Now don't stay and try to get him into counseling, you need to be safe. You are never going to fix him. You need to take care of yourself now. Please be careful. Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing.

Last edited by thegardener; 09-14-2006 at 05:53 AM.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 05:52 AM   #3
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Re: Advice??

wow I'm sorry your husband is an a-hole
he sounds like he may have BPD, borderline personality disorder. I think you should look at the personality disorders board and search out some stuff about BPD and see if it fits. He's being abusive. You don't have to live like that......I broke free from a relationship with a guy with BPD and it was the best thing I ever did.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 06:15 AM   #4
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Scared Wife HB User
Re: any advice is welcome!

I hate to say this, but your husband is dangerous. He is not only verbally and emotionally abusive towards you, but it has escalated to physical abuse.

My husband & I have been separated for 2 of our 3 years of marriage - and he has never once laid a hand on me. The day that happens, filing for a divorce will be so much easier than it presently is. He, too, is sweet as pie - as long as he's getting what he needs - attention, affection, financial support, emotional support. I'm not to blind to see though that it's always on HIS terms.

Your husband needs help - and even admitted so. If he truly cares about you, he will seek it. Do not dodge the subject with him. I know that's what seems easiest to do to avoid another conflict, but it's only preventing the root problem from being addressed and dealt with. The next time things escalate to the level you describe, do not just 'threaten' to leave - LEAVE. Show him you mean it otherwise it becomes just an empty threat that holds no meaning to him & he will take advantage of that. Get a hotel room, stay with a family member or friend. If he physically assaults you, report it to the police so that it's on file. He doesn't take your feelings seriously at all & walks all over you. Worse yet, he gets away with it. This is not 'love'.

My husband nitpicked immediately after our wedding...I cleaned too often, he suddenly had a problem with anything/everything I cooked (yet never complained about that when we dated), he didn't like for me to go shopping with a girlfriend or even look in on my 83 yr old widowed mother. He cannot get along with people for any extended length of time. Conflict surrounds him with me, co-workers, his parents and even his few friends...friends that aren't really friends to begin with.

You also need to seek help for yourself to help you deal with all this. Your emotional health cannot be in a good state - because I know that mine wasn't. Our psychologist (who my husband only saw 2-3 times but I continued to see) highly suspected him of having Borderline Personality Disorder. Since then, I've read further and realize he fits Narcistic Personality Disorder even more so. The prognosis for someone with NPD is not very good at all.

So please take care of yourself and look out for your safety. All the apologies in the world are meaningless when they prove to be insincere. Your family would be devastated if something were to happen to you. He does not sound trustworthy at all. And you deserve better.

Scared Wife

 
Old 09-14-2006, 07:43 AM   #5
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Re: Advice??

If he doesn't get help, and I mean like now, things are only going to get worse for both of you. But more than likely, worse for you. He is being abusive, regardless of any kind of problems he may have internally.

He can't treat his wife like this. You shouldn't allow him to treat you like this, because as you can see it just pushes you further away inside yourself to act like nothing is wrong. He seems very controlling, emotionally and physically abusive. Time to get some help - for both of you. Without it these dark days are just going to get darker

 
Old 09-14-2006, 08:33 AM   #6
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Re: Advice??

OK, I've been through a young marriage and divorce. My ex was alcoholic and abusive, but an otherwise very great guy. I left him because I cheated on him after being sick and tired of years of the crap just like you describe.

Know that you're still very young. Do you want to put up with this for the rest of your life? NO WAY YOU DON'T!

I think there's a very good chance your hubby is drinking behind your back -- this is just something to consider. My ex drank behind my back.

His mom was an addict. Addiction is in his blood.

And I think you're right on track when you accussed him of hating women because his mom was the way she was.

Know that you are allowing him to treat you this way. Living this way will eventually cause you lose a part of yourself -- most likely your self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

Mixing these fights and alcohol is a receipe for violence and you will be hurt. In a physical fight you will come out the loser. If you stay with him under these conditions, an alcohol fight is bound to eventually occur that could end you up in the hospital. I never received a bruise from my ex, never called the cops. But what he did to me was illegal. I've also delt with an alcoholic abusive boyfriend since my ex, who did put bruises all over my face. I sent him to jail, which turned him around for the better. IF HE LAYS A HAND ON YOU AGAIN YOU CALL THE COPS AND SEND HIM TO JAIL. This will end up costing him a lot of money, BUT, the only way a man like that is going to stop is with EXTREME MEASURES. And even then he most likely will not stop.

Read everything you can about abusive men. Read everything you can about codependency, because I am pretty sure you're codependent on him and/or vice versa. Read about borderline personality disorder.

If you can, start counseling, right away.

This is not a personality issue with him, it is a deep rooted psychological problems, possibly an alcohol problem. Don't think I'm just pointing the finger at alcohol and that I'm some kind of anti-alcohol person. I'm a drinker myself.

You got married very young. Just because you love him so much doesn't mean he's the right person for you. There's still time to change your life.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS! You must love yourself enough to create change.

I wish I had time to write more, but I'm sure you'll get lots of advice from people on here. Most people are going to just blast your husband and possibly blast you for putting up with it all. Please don't let the criticism bring you down.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 11:22 PM   #7
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Re: Advice??

Use Anger Management to discuss your own anger problems. Not to discuss your relationship.

Thanks.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 06:04 AM   #8
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Re: any advice is welcome!

My goodness, you sound desperate, and really upset when you were writing this. You obviously had a lot to get off your chest.

If you were a friend or my sister, I am sorry, but I would say just GET OUT!

He is an abusive sick man, and needs help. he is taking all his personal frustrations and anger OUT ON YOU!

I have been there, and it WON'T get better.

He is treating you as a lap dog, but you have obviously lost trust for him regarding how he is treating you.

I am assuming that you are a sweet, kind, forgiving sensitive soul? I say that, as I have learnt that those are the type of women who attract men like that.

You can't love someone who treats you like that, that is not what love looks like, he is now becoming violent, it will get worse.

Please get out now whilst you are still standing.

Keep strong, and take care

 
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