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Old 09-14-2006, 10:20 AM   #1
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Stories of first great love... do they ever last?

Hi everyone,

Its been a while since I've posted... I thought it was about time again as life seems to be getting a little on top of me at the moment I'm sorry for the length and I hope that some of you will take the time to read and comment on my issues.

A recap: my ex and I dated for 2.5 years from the time I was 18 till I was almost 21. He is 6 years older than me, which at first was an adjustment, but the relationship was nothing short of blissful. We connected so well in a way that neither of us had experienced before, although both of us had dated alot. We were deeply in love but also best friends all at once - the best kind of relationship - and could talk about anything, laugh about everything, rely on eachother unconditionally and enjoyed a mindblowing sexual compatibility. Anyway, things went bad due to his mother, and after months of agony at the prospect, he finally put an end to things after 2 and a half years.
This hardly put an end to the 'love' though, if thats what it was, and we continued to sleep together for a month or so longer, before he rebounded with a woman we both knew that was 10 years my senior - she'd been after him for a looong time which was obvious to both of us.

Convinced they would marry because he was nearing 30, she was over 30, and they were both eager to settle down, I tried to forget him. And for a while I did - I was a bit disgusted that he'd just turned around and rebounded with the closed woman he could find that he knew was a sure-thing, but as their relationship stretched beyond 6 months I started to think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe he wasn't in a boring, mundane relationship that was built on a mutual hatred of me, or an attempt not to think about me anymore, and maybe he was happy with someone he'd had no interest in for years previous. I decided I'd been self-obsessed to think that way and I cried myself to sleep for weeks. She was the opposite of me and he obviously felt more secure with her. It killed me that he might marry her and she might have his children, but I pushed it from my mind. I met other people. I had some short-lived relationships that I always ended. Time passed, and I grew up a bit more. But I was never really happy again...just hollow.

There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think of him. But I knew it was closed door, and would only ever be a memory. So when the news came to me, one year later, that he'd ended it with this woman, I felt as if I'd be sick. Physically sick. I felt happy and sad and anxious and disbelieving all at once - and alot of it was to do with the fact that for a month after they'd broken up he hadn't contacted me. Either he hadn't bothered to remember me... or he didn't want to open that door again.

In the end I contacted him and we met for lunch. The chemistry in the air was electric. We were drawn to eachother like never before - it was secretly clear to both of us - but we held off. We became friends again, and for a while, there was the illusion that this new arrangement was working. But the inevitable (perhaps) happened, and we ended up sleeping together on a fortnightly basis. Our relationship had always been very passionate. Of course we talked about what was going on, and although I was tentative to begin a relationship again with him, I couldn't bring myself to cut him out of my life altogether - all over again. The sadness hadn't gone away the first time. How could it go away the second??

In the end it turned out it didn't matter what intentions I had. He made it clear that he couldnt start a relationship with me again - it had caused to much friction with his family who he is very close with, and he said that the dynamic of our relationship made him feel slightly 'out of control' at times, and that he felt it wouldnt be stable long-term. Eventually, he broke down and told me that his relationship with that other woman had only ever been to distract himself from me, and in an effort to move on. But he hadn't been able to feel any passion for her like he had for me, he was bored and frustrated, and had only tried to make it work out of convenience and his desire to settle down. So basically my suspicions had been correct. Not that it helped at all to know that now. He said that his biggest fear was that he wouldnt find a connection like this again with anyone. I realised that is my biggest fear too.

So he made the decision to stop sleeping with me because it was unfair on me. I suppose it was. He has now begun dating again, but it is all still so raw for me that I am very depressed about it. Last week he visited to make sure I was doing alright, but when he started hugging me he suddenly stood up and said he had to leave because he felt too strongly for me still and didn't trust himself. The pain in his eyes was heart-wrenching.

Do first loves ever really last? How do you find that kind of love again? I'd like to hear others stories. Is it possible for us to remain friends, or will there always be a love in each of us that is too distructive to work as a platonic relationship? I really do adore him, sex or no sex, and time spent with him is the happiest I can be. I believe that he feels the same. But if we are never to be together again...perhaps it is 'right' to erase eachother from our lives, and just deal with it. I really want to remain friends with him, but I dont know if thats possible.

And the big question - do you ever forget them and get over them? Please give me some advice.

Tyger.

Last edited by ~Tyger~; 09-14-2006 at 10:25 AM.

 
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Old 09-14-2006, 10:24 AM   #2
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Re: Stories of first great love... do they ever last?

don't worry tyger......there will be plenty more guys in the future to break your heart......forget about this one.....

I wouldnt bother being friends with him, it would be just too painful

 
Old 09-14-2006, 10:41 AM   #3
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Re: Stories of first great love... do they ever last?

I really dont understand why you guys cant be together? Are you guys of different races? What does his family have against you? Six year age difference is really nothing.... and could it be that he is using his family's dislike of you as an excuse and incentive rather than a valid reason to not be with you, the excuse being to cover up that he truthfully just doesnt want to be with someonw who he feels as you said "out of control with"- ???

 
Old 09-14-2006, 10:47 AM   #4
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Re: Stories of first great love... do they ever last?

If you continue to be friends with him you are always going to hold on to "what if" or "maybe". He is obviously through. You have to move on and you have to stop seeing, speaking, and sleeping with him to do this. As long as you are friends with him you will never allow yourself to be in a "healthy" relationship. You will never find that love again if you stay friends with him, because you will be to obsessed with him and what he is doing to find it. You will be to worried about the love you once had with him, and wondering if you will have it again to fall in love again.

You really should move on. Stop all contact with him. It will be hard in the beginning but a whole lot easier and healthier in the end.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 02:56 PM   #5
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Re: Stories of first great love... do they ever last?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
don't worry tyger......there will be plenty more guys in the future to break your heart......forget about this one.....

I wouldnt bother being friends with him, it would be just too painful
I am sure that some first loves do work out in the long run, but it is very rare for a couple who lacks both life experience and maturity to be able to make things work. The other thing is that because you lack any prior experience during your first love relationship, it ALWAYS seems like this great, wonderful, amazingly intense relationship that no one else could ever possibly have experienced that is destined to last forever. But in reality, that's way everyone feels when they truly fall in love for the first time. However, the vast majority of people because of timing, circumstances, compatibility, or just being wrong for each other, end up breaking up with their first loves and moving onto even better, more satisfying relationships. It's hard to trust that this will happen after you lose someone you love and are naturally tempted to assume you'll never feel that strongly again, but it does happen, often when you least expect it.

I remember your story from way back, and I agree with Rosequartz completely. This is not the guy for you. Didn't he leave you and immediately start sleeping with another woman at your gym or something? Sorry if I'm wrong about that, but please believe me that if he was able to leave you once for someone else, he isn't the one you are meant to be with at all. If he was, nothing would have been able to lure him away from you and he wouldn't have been able to stand being apart from you. Plus if he left you once and you take him back, the chances are almost 100% that he will do it again, because he knows you put up with it once and for some reason that tends to make people lose respect for their partners. Also, if he didn't love you enough initially to stick around and work things out, there's no reason to suspect he would in the future. Trying to make things work with him is only going to leave you frustrated, heartbroken, and disappointed, as much as I know you would like to think otherwise, I hope you don't go back and put yourself through all that pain he caused you again.

Another thing about first loves is that it's easy to start thinking that lots of drama and problems means that you have an intense, unbreakable bond meant to last forever. In fact though, a good lasting relationship should be just the opposite--good relationships should not feel like hard work, like a constant struggle, nor be filled with drama and ups and downs. I really don't think that pursuing anything else with this guy will make you happy, and as long as you let him be part of your life, you're probably going to have a lot of trouble moving on and being truly content. Sometimes it's much harder to let someone go than to hold onto something that just doesn't work, but it is worth it in the long term to let go and open yourself up to something much better. I know I can't convince you that you'll find a healthier and more lasting relationship in the future, but I also know that you will, and you'll be amazed at how much better it feels when it actually happens. Remember that real love shouldn't be so hard nor should it be painful...as for being friends, it seems pretty clear that your feelings for him are way too intense and raw for you to handle that emotionally right now. The smartest thing to do is cut all ties and start moving on with your life--it's not easy but you have to do it sometime, and it's not going to get any easier as time passes, especially if you are still in touch with your ex. When you have successfully moved on and are ready for a possible friendship, you will know it, but I'm positive that that time is still awhile in the future for you. Hang in there and good luck...

Last edited by Veronica_Mars; 09-14-2006 at 03:05 PM.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 04:26 PM   #6
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Re: Stories of first great love... do they ever last?

I on the other hand DO believe that first loves do last sometimes. It not always, but it does happen. I also believe this is a real love that you share. What was the problem with his mother? Did she just not approve of you? Well if thats the case, sometimes mothers get jealous for their sons too. They feel threatened and thing your taking their sons away when infact that isn't true YOUR just giving them an addition to their families...YOU. Don't do anything out of hast. Just lay back and relax; do alot of thinking and take things slow; whether it be a breakup or decision the two of you make to stay together.

As I think back to my first real love, well I know now that with my experience now and what I thought he was then would have lead to diaster. But that's not always true. I know several people that married the true love and have 25 years under the belt of a successful marriage. Not that things aren't bumpy sometimes. But without the trials where and when would we learn to perfect our relationships. Again take it slow and be good to yourself. My first love still turns my head when I see him although thats not often about 1 in 15 years. But its just a tickle in my stomach. Although, I wouldn't go there because I have a wonderful husband and three children with 22 years and counting. It's just something about first loves that always has that special place in your heart. Doesn't mean you want them back because afterall you chose or agreed to part the waters at sometime in your life in the past.
Take care

 
Old 09-14-2006, 08:06 PM   #7
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Re: Stories of first great love... do they ever last?

Thankyou for your comments.

The only problem here is that I did cut him out of my life for a year, and didn't see him or speak to him or have any contact at all, even though we work at the same place. I just avoided him like the plague, and he did me. It didn't help. A part of me never moved on.

Also, this is not my first long-term relationship, I've been in two others previous to it which both lasted over a year, and both times we went our seperate ways with a little heartache, but not much. I was over them in a matter of weeks, and we were able to remain friends. But with this ex, it is so different. Perhaps we were meant to be together, and I should fight to be with him, even if it means causing problems with his family. His mother has many issues and paranoias, and should be seeking psychiatric help but isnt. So it makes it all very difficult.

It seems like most of you think I should cut him out of my life, so I suppose I should. But I can't help feeling like I'll be losing one of the best friends I'll ever have in life, and that seems wrong somehow. I have known him for almost 10 years now... thats half my life practically.

Tyger

 
Old 09-14-2006, 08:28 PM   #8
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Re: Stories of first great love... do they ever last?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Tyger~
It seems like most of you think I should cut him out of my life, so I suppose I should. But I can't help feeling like I'll be losing one of the best friends I'll ever have in life, and that seems wrong somehow. I have known him for almost 10 years now... thats half my life practically.

Tyger
Tyger...don't do it because we tell you to, do it because you know you deserve more. And right now it's 1/2 your life. In 10 years it will be 1/3 of your life....in another 10 years it will be 1/4 of your life.....after a while it will seem insignificant....just a drop in the bucket. Time heals.....

 
Old 09-15-2006, 12:18 AM   #9
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Re: Stories of first great love... do they ever last?

Hi Tyger,
How are you today?
I remember reading your posts back when you had just broken up with your ex-boyfriend. Do you still work at the same martial arts place with him? Does that girl still work there with him?
I can't believe he is still playing this game with you.... he still has feelings but not enough to stand up to his mother nor fight for a relationship with you. What a fool he is...

I never used to understand the phrase "The One Who Got Away," but now I do.

You can only fight for a relationship for so long by yourself. If he is not willing to fight, how could it possibly work?

The only solution is for him to commit to you fully and stand up for your relationship, even to his mother. You could outright ask him to do so, but don't wait long, and don't make excuses for him.

You deserve someone willing to fight for your relationship.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 06:03 AM   #10
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Re: Stories of first great love... do they ever last?

It is true, I need to do this for my own reasons. I need to seperate myself from him.

Its so difficult... I tried it once and I ended up being very depressed for that year. Now, faced with doing it again for life... how do I begin? I'm so sad right now I keep crying. I can't divert my mind from him and I've tried seeing other guys before but it is all rebound and I'm not sure thats the right course of action anymore.

I know he will always contact me to from time to time, in the hope of maintaining a friendship, because he has always cared about me and still does. But Plasmodiumovale is right... he still will not stand up in the face of his family to be with me. But I have begun to learn the importance of family (I am not very close with mine as my mother died at a young age and I do not get along with my stepmother) and I think in the past I dismissed his need to be close to them. And yes, we do still work at the same martial arts place...thats what makes it more difficult. But I can avoid him if I try. I can get hours at a different centre to him.

I can't stop blaming myself and thinking that I've made the biggest mistake of my life and now I won't stop regretting it

Sometimes I almost wish I could be hypnotised to forget he ever existed. But even if i manage to forget about him in the day...he haunts my dreams. How do i escape this.

Last edited by ~Tyger~; 09-15-2006 at 06:14 AM.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 10:32 AM   #11
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Re: Stories of first great love... do they ever last?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Tyger~
... Now, faced with doing it again for life... how do I begin? ..... How do i escape this.
Well, start by a change up of daily routine.

You are obsessed and depressed now. If you continue with the same daily activities, go to the same places, see the same people yada yada.... then you're bound to re-live the pain over and over again.

Tell him to stop contacting you and you need time alone. Find work in a different location and seek a new hobby that will occupy both your body and mind, like golf... or tennis. You need to reboot the whole system.

It would be great if you can actually take some time off work and take a vacation to start. While you are at it, pamper yourself, sin a little. Don't focus on anything particular, just soak it in.

Mmmm....some R & R would probably do you real good right about......NOW.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 10:39 AM   #12
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Re: Stories of first great love... do they ever last?

I really believe there is a strong possibility he really loves you... and definately more then a friend, but for whatever reasons he does not want to go down that road with you... it could be because of family, his own personal issues both for practical and non practical reasons, it could be something in you he doesnt see just right enough to pursue marriage with.... or a combo of both or all three... does that mean he doesnt love you... I dont think so. Its just he has already made that conscious decision to look for someone else who he would feel more comfortable spending his life with. It is difficult... I do think that while this one didnt work out, there will be one that will most definately...dont close yourself off to meeting others.

Last edited by soulster; 09-15-2006 at 09:07 PM.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 11:12 AM   #13
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Re: Stories of first great love... do they ever last?

Did I miss it or did you ever say just what it is with his mothers attitude toward you? You can bet this though, if he's not seeing you because of something his mother feels and dislikes about you.....He will most likely feel resentment toward his mother somewhere down the road. Even years later if his life and relationships start to go south then it might come up to show that he will remind his mother that "The One That Got Away" would have actually been the one that would have still been there if Dear Ole Mom had not interferred. Hope you understand what I'm saying. I do believe that he's gonna have to take a stand one day with his family if he wants to choose who he wants to spend his life with; instead of letting his family tell him who to be with. Again, I say take things slow and don't close any doors right now until YOU know for certain thats what you want. I understand that he told you he wasn't gonna be with you again and that's fine just lay low for awhile inhopes if its meant to be he'll come around soon. Don't dwell on it even though thats one of the HARDEST things to do.

Be Good To Yourself
Patti

 
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