Hi all, this is the 2nd time I've written this post (it said I wasn't logged in last time) so this will definately be more cliff notes driven.
Quick Tidbits you should know about Me/Her/Us:
Been dating since August 13th 2006 Officially. Met July 30thish.
She had sex with her ex-bf on July 23rd, a month after they broke up. They dated for nearly 2 years, living together over a year. (Sex was unprotected, she was on the pill while they were dating, stopped taking after the breakup)
She has a dysfunctional ovary and only has a period every other month. She had her last period in June, supposed to have one near August 20th...never happened. Now urinates more often and has stomach cramps just below her belly button.
She came to me with this information 3 weeks after we started dating. I was the first person to know, her family still doesn't know. She could be pregnant...I'm hoping otherwise of course. She hasn't told her ex yet, she just had a phone call with him the other night that was her 'closure' she said, she'd never cried or really felt like it was over til that phone call she had. She does not want him back and is very happy with me (explained by parents, family, friends of hers and how she acts around me).
Now the reason I came here. She's very possibly (i think) pregnant with her ex-bfs baby. She asked me what I would do if she did end up being pregnant...I said I'd have to think long and hard about it, and she acted upset/disgruntled with me. I don't feel like I'm in the wrong for feeling like that, I could be though. She's also very cold affectionate wise. She explained to me that her and her past bfs have never been affectionate (she could count the times her and her ex had kissed in the past year on both hands, even though they had still had sex many times). I'm an affectionate person, I like that stuff =/ sue me =X. She said she'd try to be more affectionate with me...but to no avail.
As I said, this is cliff notes version because it took me forever to write it out, but here's the bottom line.
1. I'm not ready to be a father. I'm 21 and we've been dating just over a month, I want to be married and have it planned when I have -my- son...not this way.
2. I haven't left her house with a smile on my face in well over 2 weeks. I buy her flowers, help with her house when she's catching up on sleep, when I do things I think 'Will this make her smile?'. I always figured that kind of thinking, when reciprocated between 2 people who like/love eachother, would be about the perfect relationship. Yet...it's not being reciprocated.
I'm guessing the advice I'm going to get is to get out while the drama is hot before I get any deeper. But I really want to know from all points of view, which is why I'm posting here. I care about her, she's a really special and amazing young woman that I would love to be a part of her life...but given the complications, I just don't know.
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
Okay, so let me get this straight - you have been together a month? Is that right?
Listen, I do not know your relationship in detail or how deeply you feel for her or vice versa, but I am going to be honest with you....you are in a bad situation. First of all, she is obviously still connected to her ex emotionally - she might tell you she has moved on or has "closure", but if she was having sex with him up until you met her, then she still has feelings for him and after having a history with someone - that does not disappear.....ESPECIALLY if you think you are carrying his child. Did you ever think that maybe her saying she might be pregnant is a way to keep her connected to her ex?
You said you were only 21 - you are young and personally, this girl seems to have way too many issues for someone your age to have to deal with after a MONTH. I think she needs to figure out what she wants and work some things out on her own. She is finding comfort in you, yet she is connected emotionally to her ex. You are only a month into this....it is easy to take a step back this early on.....
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
Yeah...one month as of yesterday actually. As far as the ex-boyfriend goes, she has feelings for him (she's told me this, she's been very open about what she does pertaining to him) but he wouldn't ever make her happy because he's a financial bum (no job ever when they dated, she supported the both of them and he still owes her about 1500 that she's trying to get back), drug addict with crack and pot in their apartment, and also cheated on her countless times. She realizes she has feelings for him but will never be happy with him, if that makes sense. I really don't see her leaving me, not just from my point of view, from her best friends', parents, and what she's told me personally.
I can agree with the point that too much drama for being together for just 1 month though, and if things don't get to picking up affectionate wise I really don't see how I could be happy with her. Thanks for your post.
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
Ok, so her ex is a loser that is not good for her......I hate to say it, but I think every female has dated one of those. Even worse, we know they are wrong for us, but we can not let go - there is a part of every woman that thinks they can "save" the man they love. I know this from experience...
Her family and friends are telling you what you want to hear because right now this is probably the closest she has been to getting this "bum" out of her life and they want her to move on. They know you are better for her and that you would be good to her, so they will do whatever it takes to keep you around....I know, I have been there.
Obviously, what you do is your decision, but I think deep down you already know everything I am saying otherwise you would not be on this board asking for advice Right now, you are the rebound - no matter how you slice it, that is how it is. Now, you have to ask yourself - are you that understanding that you can be with someone that at any given point in the day is thinking about someone else? I truly believe that everyone in this world deserves the best and deserves to be a little selfish and want great things..........especially great love.......don't deny yourself while you sit around and wait for this girl to someday feel for you what she feels for her ex...
Location: Fuck this website, trying to delete account
Posts: 61
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
I don't mean to sound rude, but get your running shoes on and go! This is only the beginning of a host of problems in this situation and you don't need to be a part of it at 21 or any age, really. You may care for her a great deal, but support her as a friend, and don't allow it to go any further than it already has. You've only been together a month, cut your losses while you still can.
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
Quote:
Originally Posted by Drowning
Right now, you are the rebound - no matter how you slice it, that is how it is. Now, you have to ask yourself - are you that understanding that you can be with someone that at any given point in the day is thinking about someone else? I truly believe that everyone in this world deserves the best and deserves to be a little selfish and want great things..........especially great love.......don't deny yourself while you sit around and wait for this girl to someday feel for you what she feels for her ex...
It's funny because I used to joke around about being the Rebound. Like when she would tell me what to expect her dad to say when I met him, or where we're going for thanksgiving or halloween or whatever, I always said 'How long do you keep rebounds around anyways?' and she would always tell me she doesn't see me that way...
But as all girls know, what you say and what you're thinking/meaning can be two completely different things. As you say...i know what i'm feeling deep down, i just know she's an amazing girl that does deserve the best from life and I want to give it to her..I just don't know how to and keep myself happy as well.
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
It has been long enough now that she can take a pregnancy test. Go buy her one. Forget stressing and confirm whether or not she really is pregnant. Don't go by the dysfunctional ovary thing - contrary to what most believe the ovaries do not alternate every month so if she ovulated that month then she could already be almost 2 months along. If the results are positive then you have some serious thinking to do - after all its not yours and you are very young. This is not your responsibility. If you do want to take it on then know you are in for a rocky road ahead. A relationship should be loving and fun in the beginning not saddled with worry, stress, and guilt. A baby can stress out a couple who are in love and have planned a pregnancy.
As for her being non affectionate - she may be so used to not getting anything from her exes that she doesn't know how to respond to it. This is something you can work on.
It is really your call whether or not you want this relationship. If you decide not to then just be good friends and see what developes later on when this mess is all sorted out. You can still be there for her as a friend.
It is good that her ex is out of her life. You sound like a nice guy. Follow you gut.
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
dude....you know what you have to do......
you said you're not ready to be a father, especially to someone elses kid.
get out now....before you even see/know/meet the kid.....after she has it, it will be too late....then you will feel the guilt even more. best not to even let the kid know you. then she will try to guilt you into staying in a relationship.
I need to be as blunt as I possibly can here......
I don't care how SPECIAL this girl is (and I really don't think she's that special, she doesn't want affection, she's a cold fish.....after one month....you should be all over each other at this early stage)
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
Okay I really feel strongly about commenting on this......
You're only 21 and you have a gf that is possibly pregnant with her ex's child..hmmm???? .......I don't think you should have to even have second thoughts about getting out NOW!
Shes cold, not affectionate, thats the way her past relationships have been. Okay, you actually think that shes going to change? Do you understand how hard it is to change once someone is set in there ways it is HARD to do! trust me...not easy..
I wish you could really look at your age and realize how young you are and how UNLIKELY it would be for you two to stay together forever....
Move on and find a girl who could give you love the way you deserve..
She's lucky to have a man that would stay w/her after her possibly being pregnant with someone elses kid.... dang.. but I have to say that you are being naive... very..
So just because she says that your not a rebound doesn't mean that you're not! I have been in a lot of relationships where I truly believed the guy wasn't a rebound because I thought I really liked him but in the end thats all they ended up being...........
think about it. it's only been 4 weeks. Good Lord your fretting over this drama girl after 4 weeks?
SHOULDN'T BE LIKE THAT! ..... THIS WILL NOT BE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP...
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicole27
So just because she says that your not a rebound doesn't mean that you're not! THIS WILL NOT BE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP...
she'll say anything to snag a guy at this point....who's gonna want her, pregnant with someone elses kid?
you are nothing but a safety net to this girl.....and she's hoping to turn that safety net into a big fat wallet....
you don't need this.....
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
Man talk about being blunt........Geeezzzzz
If you say she's so special to you, can you sit down and write a list of all the qualities you like about her. And the dislikes about her as well??? You've got to weigh the pros and cons here. I wouldn't necessarily say that your a safety net for her. Wouldn't even say you better run. You too are old enough to sit and have a rational conversation and see just what it is that keeps you together and what the pregnancy will do to you if it's not yours. And most likely from what you posted it isn't yours. She's not to be treated like a nobody though as some of the others might be implying. She's still human. The reason she might not be affectionate is because she possibly doesn't know how and that could be cause she's never had affection or been taught to show her emotional side or loving side. Other than destructively. We never get too old to learn though. Given half a chance you and her can teach each other what love is and how to correctly express it. Which doesn't always mean eating each other up in the public. Don't be hasty though. Please talk to her and come to a adult rationalization of what the two of you expect of each other. If the best thing is to part ways then don't feel guilty either. Just leave on decent terms. Babies don't ask to be brought into this world and we don't get to choose who our parents are nor our children. She's no less human because she got pregnant by her ex. Sometimes our lustful minds take over and we don't think before acting on our desires. This could have been anyone of us. I do think that for the healthiest relationships things need to be planned out the best we can as far as us having our families. If we choose to have sex before marriage then we're taking the chance of getting pregnant and the partner not wanting to marry us. But because we're human and we do slipup doesn't mean we are trash or any less human. I'm sorry that you are facing this situtaion and really hope things so well for you. Just whatever your decision don't feel guilty if you choose to stay or go. It's your life too. Take care and be good to yourself.
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
sorry to be blunt , but this woman is a train wreck and makes poor life choices. my advice would be to get out now. you'll only be a crutch for her anyway, pregnant or not.
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
Don't do it man. Get out. Also an affectionate guy deserves an affectionate girl. So much drama in the beginning will make a horrible foundation for functional respect.
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
RUN FOREST! RUN!!!
Seriously dude, dump this chick and fast. You're only asking for grief if you stay with her. I predict that if you do stay with her you'll be posting on this board a lot.
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
Hey brother, be realistic!
You only started dating this girl 3 weeks ago; what does she expect from you anyway?! ... Please get it straight with her that you will not be her baby's father .... and please remember, don't be a guy too nice ... I am positive you will regret it for the rest of your life.
Good luck, she might not be pregnant afterall, you guys are only assuming.
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO????????
In an earlier post you stated how much of an amazing girl she is and how much she deserves happiness and YOU wanted to give it to her. Well, if you feel that way and really think that all things set aside; thats what you want; then just hold on and don't make any decisions right off the bat. DONT be so quick to give her the boot. Just sit and talk and then maybe the two of you after talking many hours might just rationally come up with the decision that you really don't want each other afterall. Just don't make her feel less than you. I've never been in this situtation personally, but I'd like to think that we all could be given the benefit of the doubt and decide that just because I ended up getting pregnant doesn't mean that affection from someone I care about has to end. We don't have to be alone just cause we're pregnant. It could still work and she doesn't have to be doomed to be w/noone other than the father just cause she's pregnant. Evidently, she knows the mistake she's made being w/that other guy. Even though it's a costly mistake; evidently she knows it will never work w/him. So just be her friend and whatever happens, well it just happens. Don't be so quick to just push her away cause she's pregnant. Like I said it could've been any one of us. I'd just try to start out as friends and you'll know soon whether you should be more.
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
Whether pregnant or not, you really don't want to get involved with anybody who admits to still having feelings for their ex. It's good for her that she finally realized that her ex isn't going to make a good life partner. But she still loves him, as irrational as that may be. She could continue to be in love with him for months, years...a decade. That isn't fair to you.
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
First of all, thanks for all the indepth posts/feedback you all have given. I expected the posts telling me to get out but you opened me up to new reasons as to why. But furthermore, an even bigger reason why I posted, was advice the other way on how things could work out. Here's an update on what's happened:
Last night I talked with her for a short bit (not a lot of time to talk because her cousin just won't leave her alone lately, we're talking more tonight) and figured a good deal out. When I try to be affectionate towards her (small things, putting my arm/hand on her leg, holding her hand) she will often times pull away. Granted, 95% of the time we're together we're around other people, and she really isn't into PDA of any kind, so be it. But she explained to me later that she has and will have a huge guard up. She opened herself up completely to her last bf, and after she got taken advantage of for well over a year, it's tore her up and she knows the more affectionate she is to me, the more she's open to be hurt again, and she's afraid of that. Ok, i can sympathize.
As far as the pregnancy goes, i stressed to her that it really is affecting me and is on my mind far too much for comfort and that I'd really like her to get tested. She then admitted to me that she had unprotected sex with him well over a year (idiotic, i know) but...she never ended up pregnant. And obviously it's not the guy, he had a one night stand with some random girl and got her pregnant. I asked her...and she said she's pretty sure somethings' wrong with her, and I could tell it hurt her to say it (she is infatuated with pregnant bellies and babies, she loves them to no end). She also said she doesn't think she's pregnant and isn't stressing about it just because she has to pee more frequently and missed one period. She's suffering no morning sickness or any other signs of pregnancy. I guess we'll know for sure in October.
Ex-bf wise, I really don't know how to go at that. She doesn't stay in contact with him per se, she doesn't call him or talk to him. She does talk about him a bit more than I'd like, but it's never positive when she does. She spent 2 years of her life with him (recently) so a lot of her recent memories and experiences in life involve him, not necessarily revolve around him. It took me nearly 10 monthes to finally get over my 'first love'...everyone has their first love. This was hers. Granted I don't know how long it could possibly take her to get over him, she isn't going back to him.
So my decision thus far? Hope she isn't pregnant and I'll know more after we talk tonight. It's sensitive ground because I know why she isn't affectionate (her ex-bfs never were, so being with someone that's affectionate is a whole nother ballfield) and she knows why I am...and she apologized for not being more affectionate. She does feel bad when she knows it upsets me, she tells me and i can tell by her eyes when she talks to me. I hope that her guard will go down with time once she realizes that I won't be like her past boyfriends were...I just don't know how much time I should be looking to invest and whether it's worth the time.
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
She is young and obviously confused. Home pregnancy tests are under $10. many clinics offer tests free of charge. Just as a previous post had remarked, even with 1 nonfunctioning ovary, a woman will still ovulate every month and have a period every month. As a caring boyfriend, caring friend, you really first should bring her a home preganancy and be with her while she takes it to insure that she does. It still is possible that she may attempt to claim pregnancy next month and insist the baby is now yours. Whether the test is negative or positive, insist that it is very important for her health that she go to have a visit with a ob/gyn to discuss her missing periods.
Re: Girlfriend Pregnant with Ex-Bf Baby...Possibly
Did you find out if she is pregnant or not yet? I'm still wishing the best for you guys. I think that you can be a real blessing in this young girls life. From what you say the vibe I'm getting is you really do want to be with her and that you care alot for her. I also believe that she's not been shown how to love somebody with all your heart and unconditionally. So that is why she seems to not be affectionate. That is something that is learned also and she can learn it from you. You don't learn over night so be patient. I had a very bad marriage when I was 18 y/o , got pregnant and yada yada yada. My now husband had to take me and my daughter and teach us how to love. He couldn't do it overnight either. After finally becoming where I could trust again. I started to let my guard down. But even then, I was kinda like a hermit crab ever so often I'd go back in my shell and hide. Till I felt safe again to come out. And finally from repetitious caring , love, and always saying he'd be there for me. I began to love again w/my whole heart. Putting everything on the line and all honesty. Kinda like being naked. All the love and feelings showing. And when I saw that my new husband was gonna always put my needs first and how caringly he done that always I bagan to LOVE with everything inside me. Never to have been let down again. Been married 22 years now and going stronger than ever. With 3 beautiful children.
As far as her possibly being pregnant. Could you love that child with all you have? She might not be pregnant also. If you take her you've gotta be willing to take the whole package. Baby and all. Sounds like she really doesn't wanna be around her ex either. You can't blame her for that. She realizes now that if she is pregnant or not, that he's no good for her or the baby. I think she might be ready to simply move on. Just continue to do lots of talking and being compassionate towards each other.
Right now, you are the rebound - no matter how you slice it, that is how it is. Now, you have to ask yourself - are you that understanding that you can be with someone that at any given point in the day is thinking about someone else? I truly believe that everyone in this world deserves the best and deserves to be a little selfish and want great things..........especially great love.......don't deny yourself while you sit around and wait for this girl to someday feel for you what she feels for her ex...
