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Old 09-14-2006, 11:29 AM   #1
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intimacy in my relationship

I am posting because I Just feel like i have no where else to turn. I have been with my fiancee for almost 2 years. I love him with all of my heart. We have a son together who just turned 2 months old.
From about 2 weeks into the relationship if i tried to make advances at him sexually he would tell me no, to stop, get off of him. I mean i can't even flirt with him, leave suggestive notes, wear outfits, or even feel like i can go up to him and kiss him suggestively, and lead him into the bedroom. nothing. He is bipolar and is on medication, but this medication has no sexual side effects. Before he was with me he had about 40 past partners, so i don't understand what is going on. he and i are both attractive people. If i just wanted to sit and watch tv with someone and sleep next to them at night, with no contact, i will go spend time with family or friends. We have gone to counciling twice for it, he was given livitra, and i even got him stamina rx, but he takes neither. I tell him about this problem, and nothing is ever done about it.
When we are intimate, its only when he wants it, and very rarely pleasures me, when i ask him to he tells me no, as if i am disgusting, when i am a clean person, i don't need to justify myself here. I don't smell funny, i shave, anyother guy couldnt ask for more. I am about as freaky as they come, im into anything and everything. I will stop at no end to please him. he is only worried about himself, which makes me feel worse, because i never get it, and when i do he has sex with me like im some kind of prostitute, and i get no pleasure, i even lose my pride and ask for forplay. he isn't even concerned with getting me wet first, he tries to shove it in there dry. he knows better, hes had how many partners. I mean i even watch porn with him, anything to get him in the mood. I constantly compliment him, make him feel like a god, but i get nothing.
Basically i am at the point that i don't know what to do. I feel like i get no affection. sometimes all i want is a nice kiss at the end of the night, when sometimes i don't even get an i love you. all i do is take care of him, and im left feeling horriable.
my self esteem has hit an all time low. I mean before i couldn't handle it when i was in tip top shape before baby, now that im 20 pounds heavier than i was when we met, i feel so unloved, and like im just here. im tired of feeling used.
I need some good advice, because i just feel like getting a moving truck and saying goodbye.

 
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Old 09-14-2006, 01:15 PM   #2
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

Have you ever wondered if he might be gay? That was my first thought when I read your post. That makes sense because he only worries about pleasing himself, because he isn't turned on my women.

Second thought is that he has some sexual issues based on how he has "sex with you like a prostitute." Is there a possibility that he was harmed as a child?

He's had many sexual partners (are you sure that they were all women?) -- that doesn't mean he knows what he is doing. What it does mean is that he could have contracted a disease. Have you ever been tested for STDs?

Also, his past promescuity also may support my earlier guesses about being gay or the past abuse. It could've been a sign of acting out.

I would definately not get married anytime soon. I would try counseling again. He also might benefit from attending counseling on his own, without you, so he can feel free to discuss his deep inner issues and try to resolve them.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 01:19 PM   #3
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

well I had a boyfriend like that and it turned out he was a narcississtttt

I'm confused, you've been with him 2 years......and 2 weeks into the relationship he started acting like this? Why did you stay for the next 23 1/2 months? How on earth did you become pregnant?
I wondered about my ex too....was he secretly gay, bisexual?
It doesn't matter.....he's not willing to give you what you need.
Why are you still with him? You should have ended this long ago, especially before having a kid together.....now you're tied to him for life.
Sorry, I don't have much else to offer......I doubt he will change....
i talked till I was blue in the face in the same situation, and there was never any noticible improvement. You have to decide how long you want to stay in a loveless, affectionless relationship where you needs are NOT being met.
How long?

 
Old 09-14-2006, 01:48 PM   #4
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

ive pondered the gay thing myself... i know exactly when i got pregnant... because it was one of the only times we had sex that month... i love my child... and if i have to do it on my own i will... i stayed with him... because i do love him and care so much for him... its just this that kills me

 
Old 09-14-2006, 01:58 PM   #5
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by shannonkristin
.. because i do love him and care so much for him... its just this that kills me
are you sure that you love him or is it that you want him to love you so bad.....or are you trying to "help" him.......this doesn't sound like love to me. Why would you love someone who isn't interested at all in fulfilling your needs? Are you a massochist? Don't you think you deserve a guy who treats you the way you should be treated?

If you stay with him, he will not make you happy.....do you want to live the rest of your life unhappy?

 
Old 09-14-2006, 03:26 PM   #6
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

I'm very sorry that you and the baby are in this situtation. I just know that in a relationship there is more give than take. Never equally shared. But thats not what your getting from this guy. He should always consider your feelings and what you think. Your not getting this!!! You need to lay it on the line with him. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is not a healthy relationship for you or for the baby to even be in. And those some might not agree but the baby will grow up knowing something is wrong. Take a deep breathe and exhale slowly. Then go talk to him. He should atleast be meeting your needs and you his. The part about sex being like a prostitute is very very abnormal. Did he have a good relationship with his mom? I believe I'd explore and dig a little deeper and see if I could find out where this behavior could be coming from. Its just not normal.

 
Old 09-14-2006, 06:07 PM   #7
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

I could've written this, I lived the same situation for many years all of it from the lack of intimacy, him making me feel dirty, offering to do anything to turn him on. I don't want to scare you or make you feel worse than you already do, because I've been there. But I lived through 9 years of marriage like this until I opened my eyes and found years of evidence that my now ex was cheating on me and sleeping around with call girls, going to massage parlors, etc. It destroyed me, I tried to make it work, and I finally got up the nerve to kick him out. It has taken me so long to realize that there is nothing wrong with me, just like there's nothing wrong with you. You married a really messed up man that needs serious help and he's not willing to get it, he will never make you happy. Try everything, think carefully, talk to friends, go to therapy, then make your decision, feeling unsatisfied for the rest of your life living the status quo or go through the temporary discomfort of starting again to end up with your esteem intact and to eventually have something better. You need to check his cell phone, check his credit card receipts, see what's going on. Then make your decision, it will be hard, but if this is it for the rest of your life, you have to move on and cut your losses, as soon as possible.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 01:03 AM   #8
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

I had a friend once who had a boyfriend that had similar behavior.

Take in mind this was in around junior high school:
She finally got him to be intimate and he became forceful with her and acting strangely. It turned out that he was in the baseball team and the coach was sexually molesting the boys.

The point is that past trauma effects people more than you can imagine. These responds must be sounding like a broken record, but he needs more than meds, he needs help.

Regards,


Anonomust

 
Old 09-15-2006, 01:48 AM   #9
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

Given he's bipolar, I wonder if his meds are affecting his libido? Has he talked to a doctor about this?

Last edited by Smileygal; 09-15-2006 at 01:48 AM.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 02:25 AM   #10
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

....Sigh....Given what you described, I just don't know how you ever fell in love with your "fiancee"? But I guess it the same old "LOVE is blind" story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
....If you stay with him, he will not make you happy.....do you want to live the rest of your life unhappy?
It's just as simple as what Rose said. I'm truely sorry that you have to deal with this now while caring for an infant. But it's better now than later. The baby already carries his genes, let's not give him the chance to pass down any of the bad characters that you described too.

This is not just for yourself, think of your baby....Please...

 
Old 09-15-2006, 04:47 AM   #11
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

Shannonkristen, you have spent 2 years meeting his needs and ignoring your own. Have you ever heard of codependency. It is when a person only meets the needs of someone else to the exclusion of her own. A person develops this growing up in her family (she had to meet someone else's needs in the family to the exclusion of her own). You need to start meeting your own needs if you are ever going to be happy. You are being treated very poorly in this relationship, you deserve better.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 08:35 AM   #12
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

well see i have even resorted to checking his phone... credit card bills... i was the teller at his bank, thats how we met, so i know all the activity he does with money and all that. i do doubt that anything like that is going on.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 09:19 AM   #13
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by shannonkristin
well see i have even resorted to checking his phone... credit card bills... i was the teller at his bank, thats how we met, so i know all the activity he does with money and all that. i do doubt that anything like that is going on.
So I guess there is no problem then??

 
Old 09-15-2006, 09:26 AM   #14
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

well see if you look back at a few of my posts, he doesn't have a check card, and his mom wrote out all of his bills, including his credit card, checking his purchases... see this whole this is screwed up... really... there is nothing that makes me suspicious... thats what i don't get. btw, hes 27

 
Old 09-15-2006, 09:29 AM   #15
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Re: intimacy in my relationship

well then as they say.....maybe he's just not that into you

he's comfortable....that's all

 
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