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Old 09-15-2006, 02:11 AM   #1
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Torn

My story is a little hard to tell since I feel so bad about what I've gotten myself into. To start off I'll tell you I'm 31 and have been with my husband for almost 12 years but only been married for 1. We have a secure life finacially, have no kids and a fairly active sex life. Everything seemed great until we moved overseas. My DH is military and we move alot. I've had some resentment issues regarding that because I have a hard time starting over. It's difficult for me to make friends no because we move so much and my relationships with my family have diminished since I don't see them as often as I like. We had a posting close to family for the past 4 years which was awesome, I was happy, had friends, a job I liked, owned our first home. Life seemed perfect. Then 6 months ago we get posted to germany. We thought of it as a chance of a lifetime. Spend 4 years in germany, making lots of money and travelling to our heart's content. Well now I have no job, no friends and miss my family. Our relationship is falling apart piece by piece. Or maybe I'm falling apart piece by piece because my husband seems fine. I know I've been getting more distant and moody but I try hard to hide my feelings from him since I don't want to make him feel guilty for moving us.

Anyways all that is just a prelude to what is really going on now. A week ago I went back home for my sister's wedding. I don't think I realized up until that day how much I missed home and my family. It was great being back. A week after I got there my sister's soon to be husband's brother arrived. Here is where things fell apart. From the moment I met him there was an undeniable attraction. We didn't speak much the first couple of days, just 'nice to meet you' and such but there was a definate chemistry between us. Over the next few days there was family bbqs, rehersals, decorating and tux fittings where him and I spent more time getting to know each other. I think we were naturally drawn to each other since we were 'alone', without a gf or spouse there. His mom even tried to set us up until she found out I was married. We flirted a bit and always sat next to each other. We talked alot about our lives and developed inside jokes. I think everyone saw the connection because I remember some strange looks from my sister and my parents as if to say 'what are you doing, you're married'. I was thinking the same thing but I justifed it by saying to myself that it's harmless and we weren't doing anything wrong. Up until the night of the wedding.

The wedding day came and it was beautiful. The brother and I were always together since I was the maid of honor and he was the best man. We had a great time at the reception. We laughed and danced and flirted some more. He actually told me he had his eye on one of my sister's friends, I think just to see my reaction. Of course I told him to go for it but he didn't. Near the end of the night we were all drunk and there was some kind of falling out between him and his brother. They hadn't been close for a number of years and the only reason he accepted being the best man was to see his parents whom he hadn't seen in over a year. Anyways, brother was upset so I went to talk to him. He asked if I wasnted to go for a walk to talk so since it was the end of the night I said ok. We changed and walked for about an hour. He poured his heart out, talking about growing up as the black sheep of the family because he's the 'bad boy' with tattoos and piercings. We ended up back at the hotel where the wedding was and where I had a room. The wedding had fully ended and everyone was gone when we got back. I'm not clear on how it was brought up but he came up to my room. We watched some tv on the couch and snuggled a bit. I ended up falling asleep. Some time later he woke me up to take me to the bed. I crawled in fully expecting him to take the couch. He asked me if I wanted to cuddle. I don't know what I was thinking but I guess I said yes. We cuddled in bed, fully dressed. I suppose I thought it was leading somewhere because I remember saying we should stop before we do something we regret. We ended up falling asleep in each other's arms. He set the alarm so he would get up and out before my sister and new brother in law woke up since they coincidentally got the suite accross the hall from me. He left and I didn't see him the rest of the day since he wanted to spend it with his parents before they left the next day. I fought with myself all day over what I had done. I went back and forth hoping I would see him and hoping he would stay away. I cried alot that day.

I ended up seeing him again the day after that at my sister's house. I went there after checking out of the hotel to say goodbye before I drove the 3 hours to see my parents. I know in my heart I was hoping brother would be there too so I could guage a reaction about what we had done the night of the wedding. Well' he was there and when our eyes met I melted. I hated myself for feeling that but I couldn't help it. I sat down and we all hung out for a while. My sister and her hubby went for a nap because they had a concert to go to that night. While they napped me and brother spent some time talking again. He confessed that he's never told anyone the stuff he had told me about his life and family. He also told me that he was only staying with them because he was hoping to see me. Otherwise he said he would have gotten his own hotel room. That was his last night until he went home. It shocked me to hear all that but also made me feel special. I didn't confess to him that I felt the same way. I was scared to even think it. So we spent the afternoon talking and laughing again until my sister woke up. She asked me what my plan was and I told her I had decided to go see our parents the next day. I didn't go because I wanted to spend more time with brother but I didn't say that obviously. She gave me a look like she gave me before but I chose to ignore it. WHen her and her DH were leaving for the concert they were shocked to see that I wasn't leaving as well. Brother had asked me to stay and hang out with him and I couldn't resist. We spent the evening drinking a little and watching tv and listening to music. We had a great time just hanging out. We cuddled a bit on the couch but that was it. Never at any point was there anything more than that. We never kissed or touched inappropriately. When my sister got home she was again shocked to find me still there and was not impressed when she learned that I planned to crash there for the night. Her place is really really small so the sleeping arrangements would be tricky. Brother insisted I take the couch so that left him the floor or a reclining chair. To my surprise he chose the floor right below the couch to be close to me. He stroked my arm as we fell asleep. I actually didn't sleep much that night. All I could think about was the fact that tomorrow he would be leaving and I would most likely never see him again.

In the morning my sister woke us up to take him to the airport. The goodbye was really akward since they were around so it was a stiff hug and 'nice to meet you, take care and have a safe flight'. It was pure torture. I spent the next two days crying over him leaving and cheating on my husband. You see I do realize I cheated on my husband even though nothing sexual happened. I know emotional infidelity is often worse. What I'm having trouble coming to terms with is the 'what if' factor. I figured I had met my soulmate in my husband but then I meet brother and I start to question that. I know it could be all the factors in my life coming together to make me feel something that wasn't really there but I just don't know. It kills me not to be able to talk to brother since we never exchanged phone numbers or email even though we had talked about doing it. It's probably better that way anyways. I could get his number if I really wanted but it would require asking my sister which would send up red flags. He could get mine the same way but I doubt he would for fear of hurting my marriage.

So my ultimate question is how do I get over this? I think about him 24/7. I actually cried when I made love to my husband when I got back because I was thinking about him. I think just writing all this out has helped a bit but I would still like your feedback. Please don't tell me what a bad person I am because I already feel horrible. I just want to know if I'm ever going to get over this feeling of missing out on being with my soulmate. could he be my soulmate? it's hard to explain the connection we had in words, written out it seems superficial which it definately wasn't.

I know this is super long and I don't expect many of you to get through the whole thing but just know that it's helped me to be able to write it down. So to those of you who did read it, thanks for listening.

 
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Old 09-15-2006, 04:55 AM   #2
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minijumbofly HB User
Re: Torn

Your being unhappy had put you in a vunerable position and you were tempted. Now it's all history. Take consolation in the fact that your head is in full operation although your heart is bleeding.

....Sigh....There was this line from a chinese novel that got very popular in the recent years. " To love, true and passionate for each passing moment regardless of time "

You've had your moment, treasure it as fond memories and leave it at that. Never mind the guilt, what's done is done.

Do talk to your husband about your not being happy in Germany since he's doing ok. He NEEDS to know your feelings or else the relationship will continue to deteriorate. Don't let silence tear you apart.

Best regards and warmest wishest.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 05:02 AM   #3
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thegardener HB User
Re: Torn

Losing it, you have been distancing yourself from your husband because you don't want to share any of your grief and loneliness about the move. This has placed distance between you and your husband on top of the grief and loneliness that you feel. Solution: Talk to your husband about everything! Trying to protect him from feeling guilty about moving is going to ruin your relationship. You were vulnerable to brother because your relationship with your husband was at a very weak and low point because of lack of communication about the really important things. I believe once you strengthen the bond to your husband you will forget about brother. Marriage takes constant communication to continue that bond. Don't neglect it.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 07:09 AM   #4
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bulletproof HB User
Re: Torn

I don't think that you should get too caught up in the idea of a soulmate. This may not sound very romantic, but there are a lot of biological and intellectual forces at work when we find ourselves attracted to someone. That's why we are able to find more than one person in our lives to fall in love with.

That being said, you obviously felt that way about your husband at some point. The trick now is to recapture that, any way you possibly can. The situation in Germany sounds difficult, but it's temporary. It's time to start looking at it as an extended vacation instead of a something you've been sentenced to. Are there any other military wives you can meet? Of course your marriage is deteriorating- you're really unhappy with yourself and your own situation.

Please, please talk to your husband about what you both can do to make this better. You are in an extremely vulnerable position. Everyone finds themselves attracted to others at one time or another, it's whether you follow through on it that matters.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 09:26 AM   #5
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Re: Torn

I personally don't think it has anything to do with this guy you met. It has everything to do with your unhappiness your currently feeling in your marriage. You could have met Mickey Mouse and thought he was your soulmate. Bottom line: Your not happy right now and feeling resentment towards your husband. In my opinion, nothing and no one can break up a happy marriage.
I know about the military thing because my husband of 11 yrs is in the Navy. We have moved around alot and suffered through numerous long separations because of deployments.
The fact that you didn't do anything sexual with this guy is an indicator. I know that you feel guilty, but it could have been alot worse.
Talk to your husband and tell him about how you feel. Tell him that your lonely and sad. He probably has no idea and can't fix somthing he doesn't know is happening. I live 3,000 miles away from where I grew up and all my family, and I am extremely close to my parent's, so I know how you feel.
Just remember Germany is only a short period of time and I would take advantage of all the places and things you can do while overseas. I used to hate moving around as I lived in the same town for 31 yrs before I met and married my husband, but now I look at moving as a new adventure.

 
Old 09-15-2006, 02:34 PM   #6
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Losing_it HB User
Re: Torn

I just want to thank everyone who responded. You all make some very good points and you're all giving me alot to think about. I'm going to continue to read this board because htere is some great advice on this site. I can feel the pressure starting to relieve itself ever since I wrote everything out so I know this is helping. Once again thank you to all who have replied and to those who would still like to weigh in.

 
Old 09-17-2006, 11:53 PM   #7
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Re: Torn

Hi, I'm back with a little bit of an update.

I took everyone's advice and had a serious talk with my husband. It didn't go as well as I had hoped because my husband is a 'fixer' not a listener. I tried to pour my heart out but i kept getting advice on how to make my life better over here rather than the empathy I'm looking for. I just wanted him to listen while I got it all out but I was interrupted every 5 seconds with another suggestion. I think that is why I connected with brother so well, he just listened. I think more than anything I miss his friendship. Maybe I'll hang aroung here for a bit because this seems to be good therapy for the right price...lol.

It's really scary for me because over the last week I've been wondering what life would be like if I left my husband. Where would I live, would I take anything, would I have enough money etc. etc. I'm worried I'm staying with him for the wrong reasons. We were great together once but now it seems that the spark is gone. My heart doesn't race when I see him anymore. I know it's been 12 years but is that normal with a healthy marriage? I worry that I'm only staying for the stability and for the material things we have. We have what appears to be a great life so why am I so unhappy? I should be having the time of my life. We've been trying to have a baby for many years unsuccessfully and actually started the adoption process before we left for Germany. Of course we had to put that on hold because of the move. We started to look into when we first got here but now I'm putting it on the back burner until we get ourselves sorted out. I think the infertility has put a bit of a strain on our marriage as well.

Does anyone have any suggestions for getting the spark back in our marriage? I want to fall in love with him all over again but it's very hard with thoughts of this other guy running through my head all the time. Any advice is welcome.

Thanks again to all of you who responded. I appreciate the advice you all gave without passing judgement. You're all wonderful

 
Old 09-18-2006, 02:35 AM   #8
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minijumbofly HB User
Re: Torn

I assume your husband is an officer? I might be stereotyping but I encountered his type before and they were not the best listeners. The military influences, I guess? The infertility issue definitely is a major factor here as well.

All in all, you see the general response is for you to get over "brother". Sure he provided that "spark" during your moment of vunerability, but he is a mirage. So don't chase after him, let him fade into the memories. And that requires you occupying your spare time with activities. Preferably activities that you can do WITH others.

DH is commited to his tour and time in Germany, I doubt if he would really consider ending it premature. Thus don't expect much listening there. So...come to the boards as much as you need for the listening. As for being far away from the family, they are just a phone call away. Save and budget for extra visits here and there during the holidays.

Besides being away from the family, what exactly do you hate about Germany?

 
Old 09-18-2006, 05:09 AM   #9
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Re: Torn

My husband is an officer...how did you guess...lol. He's never been a very good listener but when he's got his mind set on something he's especially stubborn.

I know he won't end this posting early and I've come to terms with being here. It's not that I hate it at all. It's actually very nice and I love travelling and seeing new things. It's just I've always been very close to my family and this move was particularly hard for me because my dad isn't in very good health. He's got prostate cancer and has had 2 heart attacks. He actually had a stroke the day we moved to Germany which made leaving an extremely hard thing to do. I was at the airport waiting for my family to arrive to say goodbye. They all showed up but my father and my brother's girlfriend (she stayed behind to keep an eye on my dad). They told me dad wasn't doing very well and they were going to take him to the hospital. It took everything inside me to get on the plane and go. It would have been a real mess if I hadn't gone. I only found out while on a layover that it was a stroke and he almost didn't make it. I cried the whole way to Germany cuz I thought I'd never see him again. I figured I'd probably have to turn around and get on the next flight home to attend a funeral. It turns out he pulled through and is doing ok with the help of constant oxygen. I think this has alot to do with the fact that I want to go home. I feel that my dad won't last much longer and most likely won't make it until this posting is over. I'm planning another trip home next summer but I can't help thinking it may be sooner due to the worst happening. My husband, although we are very financially stable, is very cheap when it comes to certain things. When I went home for my sister's wedding he watched every penny i spent and was always checking the bank account and visa account online and asking what I spent 50$ on or how much was the hotel. He freaked when I said I wanted to rent a car. He figured I could bum rides all the time. I'm worried he'll put up a fuss if I want to go home more often as it is quite an expensive trip. He doesn't feel the need to see his family as often as I do so he doesn't understand I guess.

I think I've changed a little since I've been back even though it's only been 10 days. I feel like I'm being much more stand-offish. I don't want to explain everything I spent money on or how much the new top I bought was (even though I only buy cheap clothes so he doesn't get mad). He has no problem buying me things to try and make me happy. He bought me 3 dozen roses, chocolates, massage oil etc. for my homecoming. He bought me an extravagent car for our second car over here. Much more than I needed to get around town. He pretty much buys me anything I want but if I'm the one who goes out and purchases it then I get the 'spending too much money' speech. I know I'm definately changing my attitude and we'll see how long it lasts until he calls me on it. I feel almost care free now, like whatever he says I don't care, I'll just go about my merry way and do my best to get by.

Anyways, thanks for listening again.

 
Old 09-18-2006, 06:10 AM   #10
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Re: Torn

Well my husband is an officer and he's a great listener, so I don't buy into the whole "officers don't listen" thing. Anyway,,,,
As relationship age (and they all do) that butterflies in the stomach thing eventually goes away. It is important that friendship becomes an important part of the relationship. I love my husband with all my heart and he is also my best friend. I would rather spend time with him than with anyone else I know.
It sounds like there is alot of other issues going on in your marriage - the kid thing, moving away from your family, etc. It kinda sounds like you are beginning to resent your husband and searching for reasons you shouldn't stay. Believe me, I am all for not staying in a marriage that is making you miserable and will eventually make him miserable too, but I think you should give it every possible chance before you bail and run. Don't stay because it's a habit, or the fact that you have lots of material things, stay because you truly love him and can't see your life without him in it.
I asked my husband once about his life before he met me. He replied with "My life started WHEN I met you, and I don't even remember what it was like before". Neither one of us can imagine our lives without each other - That's how it should be.
If you can actually see yourself without him, you probably need to do some real deep soul searching to determine if you should stay - or go.

 
Old 09-18-2006, 07:03 AM   #11
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Re: Torn

From your description, DH is chauvinistic and probably very comfortable in his enviroment in the service. You are in HIS world and thus all things will revolve around it. I doubt if he even sees anything wrong with the current situation.

Let's put it this way, he is not close to your family and does not carry the same emotion or feelings towards them as you do. Sorry, the flowers, chocolate, fancy cars satisfied his ego before you get any pleassure out of it.

Now, decide if you can be content with being the submissive partner for LIFE. Kinda like the "Stepford Wife" If you don't see yourself happy being one, then may be it is time to lay it down on the line whether he is willing to listen or not.

Susieq is right. Stay because you love him, NOT because it's materialisticaly stable. The soul searching lies within you now. Good Luck.

 
Old 09-18-2006, 10:58 AM   #12
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Re: Torn

Losing it, there is a book written by a linguist, Debra something I think. It is called "You just don't understand." In it she describes how men and women communicate differently. In it she explains that when women tell someone about their problems they just want an ear and empathy. When men tell about their problems they want 1) it solved, or 2)minimized. So when a man is listening to a woman tell her problems he is doing what he thinks is right. He is trying to help you solve it. After I read this book 15 years ago in college my husband did this exact thing! I explained what I read in the book and now he just listens. At work once a guy was telling me about his problem. I wasn't even thinking about it, but I started to minimize the problem, tell him that it wasn't really a problem. He got so happy! Later I realized what happened. If a man tried to minimize a woman's problem, man would he be in trouble! So each gender needs different things, we just need to understand it. I'll bet your husband thought he was being really helpful. Try explaining this to him and try telling him again?

 
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