I'm in a rather strange relationship with a woman - let's call her AA. We go out, dancing, for meals, week-ends away, but we are not a couple. She tells me that she doesn't fancy me and does not want me as her boyfriend, but we have had sex (almost - more of this later...)
I love her and on occasions she has told me that she loves me, even without me saying it first. She also said that she was afraid, but declined to expand on it later.
I'm thinking about stopping seeing her completely because it is doing my head in....
But first, the background. It's quite complicated, so I've tried to represent it i a timeline:
I'm 42. AA is 34.
I'm currently getting divorced. She is separated with a young child.
Autumn 2005 - I am very unhappy with my marriage (20+ years, 2 old kids) and life. I have two short, flirty, but non-sexual affairs.
Nov 2005 - I decide that I must get divorced. Wife not interested in solving our relationship problems.
Dec 2005 - Company party. Started a relationship with AA. No sex yet.
Jan 2006 - Agreed with wife that I would move out
Feb - Moved out. Divorce papers issued by wife. Sex not working with AA. I have Erectional Dysfunction - ED. AA and I are in love. Both express it freely with notes, etc. Make lots of plans for trips, etc
Mar - Sex is now working thanks to Cialis
May - AA decides that she doesn't fancy me anymore and breaks off the relationship. Wants more romance, I'm too old, needs space, etc... Very suddenly. I suspect another man. 1 week later, she warns me that she is going out on a date with someone.
No contact for 6 weeks.
Jun - I ask her if she wants to come to a concert that we had planned. She is enthusiastic and comes. I meet her at a holiday resort for one day at her parents holiday home. (again a pre-arranged event). I start seeing someone, called BB, via a dating agency. Have sex without real problems.
Jul - we meet AA few times. Movies, etc.
Aug - Went on another pre-arrange break with AA. We have to share a bed. We have sex, but no penetration (ED again), I ask her about this other man. She says its just for sex and fun - a f-buddy. I'm not happy about that.
Sept - back home, AA and I go out for a drink and a dance. During the evening she says that she will stop seeing this f-buddy because her friend said that it was wrong. Back at my place, we have sex, but no penetration (ED!). Afterwards, she is very tender and loving, not at that moment, but all through the night she would gently kiss me. I told her that I love her and she replies "I love you too, but I'm afraid". I didn't ask why, coz i was so happy! Later in the night, unprompted, she tells me that she loves me. A week later, we have a chat and she says that she likes being with me, but doesn't want me as her boyfriend. Finished with BB - didn't seem right.
So should I walk away and forget this woman or does she simply need time?
If that wasn't the biggest part of the problem, it's definitely in the top 3. She seems to like to spend time with you and likes you for what you are as a person. But the ED is really killing the moment and that's probably why she was seeing someone else for sex.
You did not have any sexual problems with BB but you do with AA. I think there is something going on with AA that isn't good and you know it deep inside (thus, ED) just not consciously. Did you have ED with your ex-wife? AA sounds like only heartache to me. Good luck.
Last edited by thegardener; 09-15-2006 at 04:37 AM.
Sucess rate was about 75% with BB.
Hard to tell with ex-wife in the months before we split because we simply did not get on and sex with her was the last thing on my mind.
Good point about things not being right. I have considered that, but I don't know what it could be. Her having a f-buddy didn't help and it removed much of the romance that I thought and she claimed to have. Because a f-buddy isn't romantic at all.
I do fear failure with her, possibly because I don't want to lose her. Maybe the best way forward would be to be platonic until I get over my divorce, etc.
I'm seeing her today, so I'd better think quickly...
The subconscious is never wrong!!! It doesn't matter if you understand it or not. If you have time to waste, an eye for running, a sense of adventure, and emotional reserve, dive in. If you are short on time, can get stuck in quagmires, and have little emotional reserve, I would run. Who knows what is going on with this woman? Has your gut ever been wrong? My gut has always sensed problems way before I could understand what was really going on in a situation. Good luck to you!