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Old 09-16-2006, 11:03 AM   #1
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help! I miss him

This is a day I need to be strong, people. I think I need help, because I miss him. A lot today....a lot! I have had a few phone calls from him, we talk but about nothing really, and for a short time. Last night he called a bunch of times, home and cell and texted. When I finally picked up he proceeded to give me crap for going out with who I was going out with. (a GF of mine he doesn't like) I told him he didn't get to do that anymore...give me a hard time about going out, or anything else I did.

I said if he wants to call and talk, about whatever then I would be there for him..that we didn't hate each other and that would be fine, but not to call me with some pissy attitude about stuff that's none of his business anymore.

Then I wake up this morning and have a missed call from him at 3:12 on my cell. No VM. I don't know whether it was a drunk dial, an apology, whatever. I want to know and I hate that about myself right now cuz I shouldn't care. I am sick, had to spend a bunch of $ I do NOT have a the docs and when I am sick, I am a wreck about missing him. Why could a guy who's so dramatic and immature at times comfort me now? What the heck is wrong w me that I miss him so much today, and would someone PLEASE snap me the heck out of it!!!!! You guys are always so good at making me see the light. Not too harsh please, I'm not feeling well at all, but if it's what you think I need to snap out of it, let me have it. thanks!!!!!!!!!

 
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Old 09-16-2006, 11:17 AM   #2
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brokenwing HB User
Re: help! I miss him

r u going out with this guy or did u break up with him?

 
Old 09-16-2006, 12:50 PM   #3
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Re: help! I miss him

Laurie, you don't have any obligation to be there for him. I know you don't want to fully let him go, since you have so many feelings for him. But by holding on, by telling him that he can still call you whenever he wants, you are doing yourself a huge dis-service.

You have to move on with your life and go in a more positive direction. As long as he is calling you and you are talking to him, the obsession is still going to be there. I really think you need to cut all ties, just for your own sanity. The longer that you hang on...the harder it will be to have a peaceful life.
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Old 09-16-2006, 12:54 PM   #4
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Re: help! I miss him

Long history, most people know it here...it's complicated and there's issues on both sides with us. Neediness, drinking, drama, him not being good for me, age difference, etc..

Our status is pretty much broken up, but he is saying it's a break to figure out what we both want, so we're still talking some. I know I should just break it off and say over and done permanently...but I haven't exactly done that, and I am missing him being close to me.

I recognise I may not be doing all things right here, and there's better advice to be taken, but right now I just need support cuz I feel almost like calling him and asking him to just come up and be with me, that I NEED him. I will not go that far...but I hate feeling this way, and people here can usually put me in check when I'm weak.

 
Old 09-16-2006, 01:02 PM   #5
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Re: help! I miss him

thanks, gypsy...you were posting when I was still writing and I just saw it...keep it coming...I was just about to call when I read it and it stopped me cold!!! It's working...I just need the voice of reason when I seem to have nothing but neediness adn stupid excuses today. Yucky me. I KNOW what I need to do and have no darn follow thru at all when it comes to him!!! Please keep reminding me that I am an idiot where he is concerned..it really does help. Thanks to all for taking any time at all with my silly behind--it's gotta be frustrating to hear about a grown, intelligent woman behaving so ridiculously, huh?? Seriously, I make myself sick sometimes. I NEED a 22 yr old alcoholic for what, exactly?? I have my own answer..N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!! SO why does it hurt so bad today?

 
Old 09-16-2006, 01:29 PM   #6
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Re: help! I miss him

Hon, don't be so hard on yourself. It hurts because you really cared about him, whether it was a good idea to or not. Our first instinct is to be emotional, and it takes some work to step back and start thinking rationally instead of emotionally!

I know it always helps to hear it from others, but you need to keep reminding yourself how strong you are. We really do believe what we tell ourselves. So don't think that you are powerless over him, you have much more power and strength then you realize. Decide what the right thing to do is, and stick to it. I know you're tough!
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The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

 
Old 09-16-2006, 04:56 PM   #7
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Re: help! I miss him

New development...you're going to kill me. lol

My nephew's wedding is in Early October. Many of you will remember that he was going to go with me, meet my family, and I was really excited about it. No one is bringing their kids from my family, and using it as an adult type mini vacation. My brother called me today, pretty ****** that I had not rsvp'd or booked my hotel and gave me a hard time. I have been putting it off cuz I didn't wanna deal with it really, and I know that's not right.



I called him and left a VM that my brother had called and that it reminded me how I would probably not go to the wedding now, and that it just made me really sad and that he should remember to tell his work that he doesn't need off anymore as well. Anyway, I was really calm, and just said pretty much that...

He just texted me saying "I'm still going to the wedding, Laurie. Do not cancel, we're still going."

Now what am I gonna do? I want to still go, and I want to still go WITH HIM--idiot that I am. How weird is this situation??????

Is this a totally screwed up relationship that cannot work, doesn't work, yet neither one of us is willing to give up the other one completely? Should we just not be together until then, and then go away for the weekend for a big road trip, hotel room, parties, wedding and more sex than I can even believe? lol...I just keep thinking..how freakin weird is this???

Oh, and I totally get that calling him about the wedding was weak and stupid. I should have just understood that I would either go alone now, or not at all, and been done with it. But, alas--I have already called and I did it because I was down and lonely, and my brother pushed me over the darn egde by giving me a hard time, and bringing up Micheal and whether or not we were still together---everyone was going to get to meet him finally, bla bla bla...and I CRACKED!

 
Old 09-16-2006, 10:04 PM   #8
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Re: help! I miss him

I'm just wondering here, and I'm not passing judgement and not trying to draw any unfounded conclusions. But, is he really as bad as people keep assuming on here? We're all quick on these boards--myself absolutely included--to jump on this "watch out, he's an alcoholic, he'll break your heart, you can't fix him" thing. I mean, I don't know many details about how bad his drinking is and whether people around him truly believe him to be an alcoholic. I mean--I still occasionally hang out with some fresh-out-of-college kind of boys who are still in that "party mode" and drink like crazy...but they aren't guys I would ever call "alcoholics." You mentioned that you basically broke up over his not wanting to go to classes. Did he/is he making efforts in other ways to show you that he can control it? Do you honestly not feel like a priority in his life? Were you very unhappy with him as a person. Yes, I know that his problem is an inconvenience and that's putting it very mildly--committing to him probably means not partying like you do sometimes, making a point to take the focus off of alcohol when you're with him, even not sharing a bottle of wine on a romantic evening. But is there a possibility that he is worth it?? Sure, you might have to climb off the cloud 9 that you've been living on with him since you got back together. He's got imperfections, but that you're better with him, despite the fact that you cant' live out a "perfect" relationship?

I know, I"m sorta playing devil's advocate here, but sometimes it's good to consider things from all angles...

 
Old 09-17-2006, 06:27 AM   #9
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Re: help! I miss him

He's not BAD. I would GLADLY not drink or party and be with him. I have told him this. He told me he had a drinking problem, and when he starts drinking liquor, he cannot stop. I agreed. He said he needed rehab, I agreed. He backed out and got very wishy washy and started "wondering" what MY problem was, when he was pulling away significantly, and I wanted to talk about what was going on. (now, in my head I knew, I had called him out--he called him self out and was now WAY too exposed so he's cowering now)

Basically, he suggested first that we needed a break. I said you're probably right. Break to me has always meant break up...and I knew with him it probably SHOULD mean break up, so I treated it as such, and asked for support here, and was getting better. However, he says we are NOT broken up, we are on a break, figuring out what it is we both want. He doesn't want to lose me. I don't want to lose him---we are at an impass that neither of us can really put our fingers on.

This is really the best, most adult decision he's ever made. I could work it, believe me. I KNOW him. I could get all dramatic, give his stuff back, tell him I never wanted to see hm again, bla bla bla....And he'd come RUNNING. We'd be back to the same old thing, and neither of us wanted that this time. It's why the drama of the drinking, and what happened that night pushed us both. We don't want that...and I think it will keep happening if he drinks---he thinks he will keep being called out--so there you have it.

I guess what I'm asking for support about would be to not call, not constantly think about him and how he is, move on as much as I can, and to use this break or break up to learn about myself, my short comings, and grow.

 
Old 09-17-2006, 08:43 AM   #10
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Re: help! I miss him

Look Laurie,
There's talk and there's action. But, even your talk is confused. You start out a post saying he's bad for you, an immature alcoholic and before it's finished you are saying he's not that bad and it's only a break and maybe you can work things out.
Your actions, on the other hand, are saying you don't even want a break. On the contrary, you are doing things to push his buttons, so he will call. You are finding reasons, no matter how weak, to get in touch with him. Then you try to convince yourself that it was necessary to comminicate, NOW. So, do you want to end this dysfunctional relationship or not? If yes, it takes more then talk. You know you are going to have to bite the bullet, erase his numbers and emails, screen your calls and not retun his, not answer the door when he knocks, avoid parties where he is going to be and TELL HIM IT'S OVER.
If you don't want this over, then you need to except that he is an immature alcoholic in denial, take what you can get out of this relationship, and try to figure out why you are willing to accept so little.
You knew this guy was bad for you, in the beginning of this relationship, but it was, "just for fun", remember? Were you kidding yourself then? Were you telling yourself that, so you could jump full speed into a situtation you knew would never work? Giving yourself leave to indulge in your senses in safety? If not, then you need to rethink the idea of engaging in relationships, "just for fun", because it's pretty clear you engage your heart in them. You need to choose with more discrimination because you know now, that you fall for these guys.
I'm not trying to rag on you here, but if I were with you now, I'd give you a good shake and tell you to, "Snap out of it". Because you KNOW BETTER. I'm sorry, but you are old enough to know better, you've had enough experience to know better. So, do what must be done or accept the crap he's dishing out to you.
If this relationship is not good enough for your children to be involved in, if they must be sheltered from it, why is it good enough for you? You know it's all about standards. What are yours?

Last edited by eve40; 09-17-2006 at 09:08 AM.

 
Old 09-17-2006, 10:55 AM   #11
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Re: help! I miss him

I wish I was more like you, Eve. KNowing what I need to do, and actually implementing it are two different things for me. I KNEW I needed to get out my marriage years and years ago...but kept hoping against all hope things would be good again b/c it was "marriage" and I was totally commited for the first time in my life.

I care about Micheal. I "get" him, where no one else does. We have both said if we could strip away all external forces...we were meant for each other. Some parts of our relationship have been so superficial, so "for fun" and so much idiocy...but parts have been deeper than I have ever had w anyone-including an 11 yr marriage!

If I could get to WHY I feel this way about him, it may help me to get over him. Never in my life, (and I fear never again) have I been so sexually in tune w someone. I would do anything for him the second he even touches me. When I am sad, or sick or tired it's him that I want to be close to--not having to say anything at all. How do I stop wanting that? To change a part of myself that's always been there--the part where I am so ruled by my emotions? I want to be ruled by my head, but my emotions seem so much more powerful. How do I stop wondering things like why would he say yes to still going to the wedding? Why does he really want this break? Is it to drink and party and not have any accountability, or is it to work out some things on his own and not make me miserable in the process?

He's calling, he wants to make sure I'm ok, he wants to make sure I don't want anyone else--and don't give up on him totally. He wants me to know he has not given up on me, and that he has way too deep a connection to me to let me go--but yet, doesn't want to be with me. I feel sad and I worry about him all the time. I have fallen for a tortured soul who will always be complicated and difficult at best, but care about him so much and love to be with him when he is at his best.

I know it's supposed to be about what I want, what's good for me. Logic tells me (and all of you) he's not good for me most of the time. I just have to work on the wanting him part. I just want to not care and be able to look back and say, "That was fun..but it's over now. Always knew it would end..oh well." Am I just incredibly lazy and want things to be easy that are just plain HARD things to do? Do I feel undeserving of greater things? I don't know--cuz when I'm being jerked around by him, I KNOW I deserve better and that I have always been very good to him, in spite of everything.

You know before my X left that I had NEVER ever been broken up with?? Not ever. I was a major heart breaker. Kill or be killed, and I was a hard a$$ bigtime when it came to guys. My family would always joke about no one will ever get the best of Laurie. She's such a tough nut--that I needed to soften up, lighten up, not be so hard on guys, etc... Now it seems I will forgive endlessly, and they will have to break it off with ME for it ever to end. Now I've been slammed 3 times and you'd think that would have toughened me up. It seems to have only made things worse. Where did this whimpy, too nice, putting up with so much crap kind of woman come from--and how the heck do I get rid of her?????

 
Old 09-17-2006, 12:17 PM   #12
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Re: help! I miss him

Lord, there have been 2 or 3 men I wanted so badly, in my life, but it never happened with them, for various reasons. They weren't bad men, they just weren't in love with me, or not enough anyway. I've found that the longer you keep hanging on to men who aren't right for you, the more of your heart it eats away. I think we all have to make a choice, to stay with men who are wrong for us for whatever reason, or to let them go because we know we are bleeding our hearts out in an effort that we know will end in failure. I know it's not easy to let go of a man you want so badly. I just spent TWO YEARS doing that myself. It is so hard and seems so endless. But, the good moments ARE NOT worth the bad ones and the issues, fears and misery it causes in ourselves. The process is long and hard and you will have your moments of weakness, but you can't even begin, until you believe that you are strong enough to go it alone, until the right kind of man comes along. When you are finished, you'll know you are strong enough to go it alone, until the right kind of man comes along. Talk about freedom, that is true freedom. I never really knew freedom until I learned this.
Do I still morn the men I loved? No, not really. I can see now, how wrong they were for me. I have good feelings for them, if any. I hope they do well and have great lives. Of course, their lives would have been much better with me , but they needed what they needed, and I needed what I needed. Unfortunately they weren't the same things. Doesn't make them bad, just bad for me. I realize now, that to have them, I would have had to change so much, I wouldn't have even been me anymore, but someone I wouldn't even recognize .
I mean really, what are your choices here Laurie? Let this continue to rip your heart to shreds or start moving away from the pain and it's cause. Love shouldn't hurt like this. If it does, we are doing something wrong, or loving someone wrong.
I know now, that I may never meet the right kind of man for me, but I also know that I can and have made a great life already. The right man will make it better, but you know what? It's constantly improving with or without him. That's just how it is. So, I'm no longer is a hurry. If I find him, great! If I don't, well, still had a life to write home about.
Sorry, didn't mean to make this post about me. Just wanted to let you know that I know what you are going through, what your choices are and how hard they will be to make. But I also know you are going to have to make them sooner or later. Better sooner, while you still have some control and before some of these choices might be lost to you. I've known alcoholics because my sister is one. They will stay with the enablers who love them, until those people stop enabling them, then they move on to new lovers and start the process all over again, leaving emotional wreakage behind them.

Last edited by eve40; 09-17-2006 at 01:08 PM.

 
Old 09-17-2006, 03:20 PM   #13
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Re: help! I miss him

The only real way to get past missing this person is to get certain ideas out of your head. The idea of being meant for each other and the idea that there is no one out there in this giant world that you will connect with are just false ideas. We cling to things that are unhealthy for us because we are afraid. It sounds like you are afraid that this relationship is so different, so unique, so special, it will never be duplicated. You have to open your mind up to the idea that there are numerous potential matches in the world for everyone. On top of that, this relationship has had way more negative points than positive.

The fact is that you will never get over him if you continue to have contact with him. You can't be there for him, support him, or any of the other things that will keep you speaking with him. Maybe down the road (way down the road) you can help him out, but not now.

All things considered, a wedding, where there is plenty of alcohol, is probably not a great idea for you two. You would also be introducing him to your family, making it that much harder to let go should this not work out. You are only making it hard for yourself in the long run. It's understandable that emotions run high, but you do have control over what your actions are. Just following your heart with no regard for consequences is something we do as children. You're an adult with a lot of life experience. Use it.

 
Old 09-17-2006, 06:36 PM   #14
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Re: help! I miss him

You know what, he probably does love you... from the sounds of it... but I believe if you really love him, you need to let him go so he has the oppurtunity to "fix" himself.... with you there, he will never be able to do that. If once you let him go and he decides to continue on this path of self destruction, then it was definatley by any means not meant to be between the two of you.... but you have to let him go, and completely, stop all communication with him and tell him that he knows what he needs to do if he wants to continue seeing, talking to you... and let the ball in his court... what he does is not up to you after that. YOu are doing him and yourself a great disservice by continuing to talk to him and being there for him when he needs you and not being there when he wants to take a "break"... and you yourself said you knew what that meant... so why let him continue on this path if you love him, not to mention loving yourself. You really deserve better... not in terms of love, but in terms of a respectable realtionship.... you didnt even think this would be a long term realtionship when he called you asking to talk and see you... why sell yourself short... just because you are older than him does not make you any less worthy of having a loving, respectable long term realtionship in my opinion.

 
Old 09-18-2006, 04:34 AM   #15
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Re: help! I miss him

Well...well. If it weren't for his alcohol issue, I would had been more optimistic about working throught the rest of the problems. You are having a vunerable moment and so the cycle continues. At this point, your heart is winning over your head so everything just looks extra dark and grey.

Deep down, neither of you wants this to end but both of you know it can't just go on unless some compromises are made. I couldn't care less about the age diffenence, family opinion, social and financial status yada yada... But unless he stops the juice, there will always be this bomb you carry together. And it only takes one explosion for things to end badly, and I mean BAAAADLY.

Two suggestions. One, focus more on your kids and other family to build up your defense against future "Michael craving" attacks. Second, go to the wedding. Just let things flow as they go. If Micheal drinks, let him. If he doesn't, don't end up in bed with him. This will be a test as to how much effort is he willing to make so you can really lean more towards you head or your heart thereafter.

Sigh....It looks like the inner battle is far from over. We'll be here for the next episole. Cheers

 
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