I'm going to paste your last post from the Pain Management board so that I don't forget things....
I wish I had some magic words of wisdom for you my friend, but I don't . I'm so very sorry that it's come to this with your wife. I'm glad you finally convinced her to go to counciling with you and now you atleast know where she stands. No more guessing, no more wondering, no more working to save something she obviously doesn't want to save. Now you can begin to heal and move forward.
As far as you being an 'emotional burden'... I'm sorry, but your spouse is the one you are supposed to lean on for support when things get tough. You turning to her and needing her is not wrong! Her inability to put herself in your position and be understanding is the problem. Umm... sorry, guess I got a little carried away there. But I sense from your post that you are blaming yourself for everything that is going on and I want to make sure you realize that you both got to this point together. She gets to take some of the responsibility of this too.
I can't even imagine how hurt you must be by all of this and some of the things she's said. Women can be evil It's very hard to make a marriage work under normal circumstances, but when you add chronic pain to the mix it's that much worse. Just because things were bad doesn't give her the right to go find someone else!! She should have been honest with you and told you it was over before that.
OK, before I completely tick you off for saying all of this, let me close by saying how sorry I am that you have to go through this. Just know you have an e-friend if you need to talk.
Hello, been very busy. I did post an update on my pump after six weeks. Chronic pain affects everyone, and I know this, but boy do I feel abandoned. She did agree to go to counseling, though, twice w/two different people. After hearing her reasons - that I have been an emotional burden as it's been on again/off again w/respect to work for 4 years, 5 medical leaves, and three back surgeries; and that going forward she thinks it will become a physical burden, too - well, I just didn't know what to say.
Now I'm about to finish my 2nd week back to work, and I feel better than I have in years due to the pump, but I can still only take it day by day. I filed first after I was sure she was seeing someone and she told me emphatically it was over. She told the counselor that she was a "zero" on a scale of 1-10 regarding how much she wanted to fix things, after I had blurted out I was a 10. Many things said after that just cut deep. I understand it's been very hard on everyone, not just me. I guess just like someone who's never been in severe, chronic pain, cannot identify with how hard that is, the significant other who has to watch it must go through pain that I cannot understand.
I'm still in pain, but as I've said, I have my mind back, I'm working, I mean, these are the happiest days I've had in a long time on the one hand. On the other hand, they are the saddest by far. Just yesterday, I started to sense hesitation in her voice, as I'll soon have full salary back, I'm taking my daughter to the fair tomorrow afternoon/evening, and I've been able to do more activities each day. It's a far cry from 4 years on the couch with my legs propped up. Now I'm beginning to wonder if I want this person in my life. If the tables do turn, that might end up being just as hard on me as the initial phase. I can't handle all of this right now, either. It just doesn't seem right, but I'll stay on the pain mgmt topic here going forward as much as possible. Thanks for listening.
I just want to welcome you to share whatever you feel like you need to. You have come to a great place if you need support or encouragement. Although, some posters might have a difference in opinion from time to time our goal is to help others. Again, welcome.
I'm not sure what is going on with you. But I'd believe that I understand your wife is not pleased with you being sick and feels some resentment. If I'm wrong or have said anything that isn't correct please feel free to enlighten me so as I might be able to better encourage you. Has your wife left you?
Do you guys have any children? Please feel free to just let things out and feel safe here. Whatever you need to talk about we will listen. I'll await for you to enlighten us better on your condition. Take care and your safe here to express how you feel w/o judgement.
Well, thanks again for listening. I can't go back and write up the history of how we got to this point again, so I'll start here. I was in a bad auto wreck over 4 years ago that resulted in multiple failed back surgeries, every type of conservative treatment I could find before and after surgery, pain management through a clinic that had me on heavy amounts of medication, 4 medical leaves from work, and the inevitability of Long Term Disability. I have Crohn's disease and diabetes, so health issues go back even farther for me, back to before I was ever married (10 years).
All of this has taken a huge toll on my wife. We don't communicate, we do have a 7 year old daughter we both love dearly, and after being a stay at home Mom for 7 years, my wife went back to work in May. In April, it really did look like I was headed toward LTD, and so she needed to go back to work full-time with benefits. From what I heard her say in counseling, that was the breaking point for her. To quote, her is what was said when the counselor asked why she wanted a divorce: "He came home from work one day in March and announced out of the blue that he was taking LTD. He told me I had to get a job with benefits. The last 4 years have been an emotional roller coaster, and I can't take it anymore. I can't support him and raise my daughter, too. I can't stand always worrying. I want to have a life. And because of this, I feel so guilty it makes me sick. But, I'm over it."
Hearing her say "out of the blue" shows just how bad our communication is, as she knows I've been through a lot, had multiple surgeries, etc., but really that's it. Fast forward to August, when I got a pain pump and it is working very well so far, which is not long, I know. I returned to work two weeks ago on 4 hours/day. She announced the divorce three weeks ago, right after she spent all night out at some High School reunion party. Other circumstances made that night out look very suspicious. When I questioned her about it, divorce was the answer I got, clear and cold. So, I filed, and it turns out I filed first. She told the counselor that she felt relieved when I told her I filed, and shocked, and then ****** off. The counselor said "If he did go withdraw the filing and tear the papers up, as he's offered to do if you want to try to work it out, would that help?" She said no, it wouldn't help, she was just mad I filed first, that's all.
I keep trying to see if there is something to salvage here, and obviously there are a lot of other things that factor in after 10 years of marriage and 4 years of dating. However, I'm starting to just cave in to the idea that it just isn't meant to be, as she doesn't show any desire to try.
Now that my friend has started this post, I will drop by when things get tough or perhaps better to share my thoughts, ask questions, for advice, etc. Right now, I just feel numb, and don't want to think about it at the moment.
I understand you don't want to talk about this right now. Just know I'm here when you're ready. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there my friend
It's unbelievable the things you can find out when you just look a little harder. Nothing has been making any sense over the last several weeks, until yesterday. I literally stumbled onto some "evidence", didn't quite put two and two together, but when I mentioned part of it to her that night, we both froze after she answered. It's a long story, but she inadvertently admitted she had been having an affair without meaning to, and if I ever can tell the story, it's actually funny, as someone being so careful and clever with the lies ends up ratting on herself accidently, and how it happened is the cruelest of ironies.
After that, I asked a few more questions, and then she clammed up and left the house. I called her 4 straight times, calmly asking for an explanation and apologizing for the "roller coaster" she says she has been through because of me. She never said anything, listened for some 5 minutes at a time, and then hung up on me. I stopped calling after the 4th hangup.
Today, I called her and asked her if she was going to give me an explanation or was all this going to come out in court through depositions, testimony, etc. She said she'd give me an explanation tonight, but I'm not counting on it. Up until this point, everything's been my fault, and everyone we know, even my family, has heard about every mistake I've ever made, blown way out of proportion, and I've felt like it's me against the world and nearly withdrew my filing. Now, while being sad, confused, betrayed, etc., all at the same time, I am also relieved in a strange way. Feeling guilty about failing health, which was caused by an accident that was not my fault, was killing me. All that guilt is gone now. Plus, I saw my Pastor today, and there were a whole lot of crazy circumstances that surrounded our marriage that I won't go into now, but I did explain it to him. He told me that getting an anulment would be easy given all that's happened throughout twelve years based on my story. This was after he had cautioned me before we started to talk that anulments were getting more difficult to get these days.
I know our marriage was a mistake from the start, but I guess I never really found my "soulmate" and gave up looking. Yes, I settled, but we have a beautiful child, and I happen to believe that we deal with the cards we are dealt, and our decisions, in this life the best we can, and divorce is something I just never thought would happen. I would have worked extra hard to save the marriage, but not anymore. As time goes on and she realizes just how expensive life is and gets little to nothing from me, I can see her changing her tune. It was easy to cheat, I guess, when it looked like I was headed for long-term disability and perhaps bankruptcy. Thanks to one last, amazing surgery, it turns out that I'm far from it, so now she's stuck with what she asked for...I will end up feeling sorry for her, helping her out, etc., but this marriage is over, and I appreciate you listening. Chronic pain takes so much out of a person, and then this happens just as I get a new lease on life...God has a sense of humor that I don't quite get, but maybe someday I'll look back on this and know it was for the best.
How I wish you weren't having to go through all of this with your wife. It makes me so angry that she's treating you this way and trying to make it out like it's your fault
Today, I called her and asked her if she was going to give me an explanation or was all this going to come out in court through depositions, testimony, etc. She said she'd give me an explanation tonight, but I'm not counting on it.Did you get the explanation she said she would give you?
Please don't allow her to make you feel like this is your fault. Things happen to all of us that effect the people around us - that doesn't make it our fault. It's a true test of love and of someone's character if they are going to only want to be with you during the good times. I hate to say this as I don't want to be hurtful... but it sounds like she was in this relationship for all the wrong reasons. Or atleast she was staying for all the wrong reasons. Do you know how long the affair has been going on. Did it start after you got hurt and she felt like your income was going to suffer?
It's unfair that she's felt the need to drag your family and friends into the problems you've been having as a couple. Things can be blown out of proportion and those she's telling things to only have one distorted side of the story. I want you to listen to me very closely Hope... IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU GOT HURT! I'm so glad you've realized this and have let go of that guilt. I just wanted to remind you so you can think of that anytime you fall back into the trap she was obviously setting for you. It sounds like she wanted to break you down until there was little if any fight left in you. You sound like you are getting that fight back and I'm so proud of you for that!
As far as everything being your fault... I can say with absolute certanty that it's impossible that it was entirely one person's fault that there are problems. She made the choice to go outside the marriage. She should have had the courage and the decency to deal with the problems you are having first. She should have had the courage and decency to end the marriage first.
I'm glad you are turning to your Pastor during this time. God has a plan for all of us and a reason for things happening. Maybe it's to make us stronger, maybe it's to remind us of what is important in life, maybe it's for reasons that we will never know. But we have to believe that He has a plan for each of us.
I'm so sorry you've come to the realization that your marriage was a mistake from the begining. I can't imagine how much that must hurt. But you got an amazing gift in your daughter, so that makes it not a complete mistake.
Yes, we have to deal with the cards we are given or the hand that we make. But you have to believe that you can change that hand too. You have to decide when it's right to discard and when it's time to say "hit me" to the dealer Please don't allow her to manipulate you into feeling sorry for her down the road. She's made her bed so to speak and it's time for her to lie in it (pun intended ). I'm sure right now it doesn't seem like this is what you want, but in the long run for you and your daughter I hope you come to see that you deserve so much better.
You will always have a friend when you need to talk. I wish there was more I could do to help, but I'll listen any time you need me to. Sending you an e-hug...
Last edited by charliecat31; 09-23-2006 at 01:20 PM.
Thanks charliecat. Crazy stuff going on right now with my back. No, I have never gotten an explanation from her. She's all over the map right now...acting sorry and regretful one minute to being terse and cynical the next. I told her I've forgiven myself and her for the things that have happened in our marriage that have been hurtful, and that I'm free from guilt. She doesn't understand what I mean right now, but she needs to get to a point of forgiveness, too. From above, from me, and from herself. She'd have to let down her defenses and really talk to me in order to make any progress, though, and that just has not happened and doesn't look likely.
Praying more and more as I realize there is less and less I can actually do right now. Feeling so sick on top of back pain right now that I'm gonna give it a rest for a day or two. Thanks for the advice and for listening.
I am thrilled that you have let go of the guilt! That is one of the bravest and hardest things we have to do in life I think. Prayer is a wonderful thing. I honestly don't know how people get through life without God in their lives.
How is your daughter handling all of this? You should be very proud of the example you are setting for her.
I hope you are feeling a little better today. As always, saying a prayer for you.