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Old 09-17-2006, 10:33 AM   #1
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rebe0901 HB User
still involved w/ a married man

Help! Last time I posted a query I got very helpful feedback so I'm trying again because I'm so stuck in this bad situation. I'm still seeing a married man who lives in south america, he's married with 2 young kids. He seeks me out, calls me almost every day, and now we just came back from a 4 day beach vacation. when I'm with him it's like a dream, when it's over and I'm back to the daily grind, I almost wish I never had that time with him. He goes back to his wife, his life, taking weekend trip with his family, doing things with them, and I am alone, hoping I'll see him again soon but with no plans. I want out of this, I really do, this is killing my self-esteem. Being with him makes me feel like a queen, he makes me feel like a queen, but in between, I feel like he's got it all and I've got nothing and I'm at his mercy. He's got his life all set and I sound like some pathetic idiot telling him how much I miss him and can't stand to be without him. He sends me an email telling me that his wife just sent him a note telling him that he's the best man and she's madly in love with him and will never leave him, almost to get me to respond and beg him not to leave me. He's not a bad man, I really do like him, I don't know why he's so effusive with me at times. telling me that he loves me, would be with me if I'd met him earlier, cant' stand to be without me, and then he withdraws. Please keep telling me that this will never work and that he's a nut job and that it's normal that this situation would make my self-esteem hit the floor and that I need to get the hell out of this. I need to keep hearing it.

 
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Old 09-17-2006, 01:08 PM   #2
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: still involved w/ a married man

You just don't have what it takes to be a mistress, so you are in over your head. A successful mistress gets lots of gifts, goes on expense trips, and then when she is apart from the guy, she doesn't stress. Rather, she enjoys the independence and time apart. Most importantly, she knows how to play the game. On the other hand, it sounds like you are in love with this guy and want to be number one in his life. Not good at all. You don't understand how the married man/mistress dynamic works. He's with you for the thrill, for the something different, and most importantly, for the sex. You don't get involved with married men looking for any kind of emotional fullfilment, heavens no. That is what a boyfriend is for.
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Old 09-17-2006, 01:12 PM   #3
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eve40 HB User
Re: still involved w/ a married man

You got excellent advice in your last post. I would suggest you reread and take some of it. Especially the advice you really didn't like because that's probably exactly what you need to be doing.

 
Old 09-18-2006, 11:22 AM   #4
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thegardener HB User
Re: still involved w/ a married man

Why are you settling for this? You could have a real bf/husband.

 
Old 09-18-2006, 11:47 AM   #5
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minnesotagirl HB User
Re: still involved w/ a married man

He is trying to tell you that he will never leave his wife. That is why he tells you about her notes. He will never leave her. If you continue the relationship, it will always be like this, you'll always be the one missing him, and you'll never be able to find a real man who truly loves and cares about you and only you. Do you want to miss out on that? If you continue this relationship with the married man, you will miss out on finding someone else. When the married man is tired of you and tired of your feelings for him, he will dump you and move on.

You need to be the strong one here, take charge, and cut off all contact with him. Sex is top priority on his mind, that's why he cheats on his wife with you, for the sex. He says all those other nice things as a way to get sex. Even if he is a nice guy, he might not even realize himself that he's nice to you because he just wants to sleep with you. That's why he's so ellusive with you at times. He says just enough of what you want to hear so you continue to desire him. Of course he loves being desired.

You can think of it like this: your affair with him isn't fair to his kids. Why would you want to participate in something that could hurt those most innocent? It is not fair to his wife either. AND, it is most certainly not fair for you.

The ONLY one benefitting, and really only sexually, is him. He is being very selfish, whether or not you see that. So of course he's going to say what you want to hear to continue to string you along.

I'm sure you are very desirable to single men who would love to have you and only you. It's not fair to those single guys to keep dwelling on this married man! Get out and find a guy who deserves to have you!

The married man will never change. Just cut off all contact with him. It might be hard at first, but just try to find other ways to occupy your time and also rely on support from friends and family. After a few weeks, things will start to get better for you and you will move on. Time heals, you just have to let it happen. Then, you can open yourself up to finding a single man.

 
Old 09-18-2006, 12:47 PM   #6
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Shorty39 HB User
Re: still involved w/ a married man

Please don't help him destroy the hearts of his wife and children. He shouldn't be doing this with you nor you shouldn't be so accessible. Call if off because there is no future in a married man. How do you look innocent children in the face and tell them you are part of the reason their daddy doesn't live at home anymore. It's just unexcuseable. There is more to being married than SEX. It is suppose to be a lifetime committment between two people and not 3. Put yourself in his wife's place . . .How would you like for this to be your husband doing this and not even know it was going on. You need to have more respect for yourself and others involved that what your having. It is NEVER okay to be with a married man. Get out of this and chalk it up as experience learned. Most of the time, if a woman will keep herself in her place then a man can never enter in. So I'm saying that given he may have flirted or something with you but AS SOON as you found out he was married YOU should have stepped back and said NO MARRIED MEN. Feelings or no feelings. Seems whenever there is something out there that is hard for us to get or shouldn't have it THEN we tend to want it that much more. I hope this was enough to convince you to tell him to take a hick and don't look back. If not then let me know I've got more reason.

 
Old 09-21-2006, 04:06 AM   #7
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sad woman HB User
Unhappy Re: still involved w/ a married man

Hi I'd like to share w you my relationship w a married man w 2kids. In Jun 20,2006 we broke off. We've been together for 2 1/2yrs, he shower me w alot love & care. I went oversea to be w him once a month when he's on his business trip for a year in Vietnam. When he was in Singapore, we see each other most of our evening & spend our time till late night. when come to weekend, he'll spend time w his kids. He had a few times quarrel w his wife over us but he did not admit our relationship to his wife. I got pregnant after a yrs & went for abortion. After abortion he's fairly ok....We move on day by days..... ard end of 2nd yrs his change after he came back from his overseas assignment & he change to a new job. from day to day we meet, slowly change to 3times a week, 2times a week, Once a week..... partly his busy schedule w work had make us apart. It fine & I purely understand his job nature make him hv really no time for anything. We sms each other everyday from morning, lunch, evening & night. His company had some changes begining of this yrs, so he quit & change job. With this current job he has is not busy at all, tot tat he shd hv more time for me & kids but Im wrong...... slow he gets to know that he miss his kids alot more & felt tat he shd spend more time with his kids. Everyday I wait for his call & hope that he would put me in his schedule but slowly he make himself not available most of the time till the day which was 20, June 2006 i make a big fuss w him over the phone asking him is it that we're not meet up anymore. He answer was " Yes" we'll not meet up anymore, I broke down & I really love him alot..... & I take care of him well. Even my friends has fully agreed tat Im a very "gd wife" to him. After the broke up, we met up 2 times. The end result was he feel for the kids & need to go back to his kids & not so much for his wife. "Believe" not so much for his wife...... I dun believe at all, man need a woman ok..... till today I still miss him alot, tears during my sleep. SMS him to show my care for him but no reply most of the time. Ive put in my whole heart for him..... but at the end his still choose to go back. I feel veri lonely without him. With this experience, I learn alot & I know married man cannot be trusted by their beautiful words. In 2days time(23 sept) it my birthday, Im hoping to spend my birthday with him as Ive requested him to spend w me during our last phone call. End August he called me and was told he plan to go BKK w his dad during 21-22 Sept, I told him it was near to my b'day, He soundly veri nicely & happily telling me that trip not confirm still can make plan for it. Sms him on Tuesday knowing that he is flying off to bkk in the afternoon and I got so upset & I knew he has no plan to spend time w me this two days. After reading yr posting, my advise to you.... pls do not involve w married man, no result & will get yrself hurt.... true enough.... I got myself so hurt till today, now Im still tearing & hoping that he'll call me. really not worth it at all to get yrself hurt. Leave him alone & stay far away. Im trying veri hard too but I cant get out totally. His name " Jason " was so common, it always remind me when I reply email to our overseas principle name "Jason". sign..... I also need expertise to advise me.

sad woman

 
Old 09-27-2006, 10:09 AM   #8
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spinnybrunette HB User
Re: still involved w/ a married man

Get out of this relationship and get out now. Affairs with married men are bad news and only end up hurting the others involved. Marriage is a sacred vow that needs to be taken seriously. Not enough people today take it seriously. I am having problems in my marriage and I am severely devastated and deeply hurt over it. I can just imagine how the children feel. I am sure they dont want to lose their daddy and that is where these things have a tendancy to head. If he was available and commited to you, he would at least be seperated but that is not the case.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 07:27 PM   #9
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MysteriousGuy HB User
Re: still involved w/ a married man

Have fun regretting losing precious years of your life that could have been spent on getting a boyfriend with that "man" once this "relationship" is over.

 
Old 12-02-2006, 03:52 PM   #10
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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808Lion HB User
Re: still involved w/ a married man

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
You just don't have what it takes to be a mistress, so you are in over your head. A successful mistress gets lots of gifts, goes on expense trips, and then when she is apart from the guy, she doesn't stress. Rather, she enjoys the independence and time apart. Most importantly, she knows how to play the game. On the other hand, it sounds like you are in love with this guy and want to be number one in his life. Not good at all. You don't understand how the married man/mistress dynamic works. He's with you for the thrill, for the something different, and most importantly, for the sex. You don't get involved with married men looking for any kind of emotional fullfilment, heavens no. That is what a boyfriend is for.
wow... reading this post made me cringe...
instead of justifying being someone's "mistress" and condoning this type of behavior, i'll go ahead and say it is VERY wrong to be involved with a married man, REGARDLESS of how "good" you are at it...
you can't possibly think that there is a potential "happy ending" to this story... not realistically... and you have to know that people are going to be hurt one way or the other...
this is dictionary definition of a BAD idea and you should get out as soon as possible...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sad woman
Hi I'd like to share w you my relationship w a married man w 2kids. In Jun 20,2006 we broke off. We've been together for 2 1/2yrs, he shower me w alot love & care. I went oversea to be w him once a month when he's on his business trip for a year in Vietnam. When he was in Singapore, we see each other most of our evening & spend our time till late night. when come to weekend, he'll spend time w his kids. He had a few times quarrel w his wife over us but he did not admit our relationship to his wife. I got pregnant after a yrs & went for abortion. After abortion he's fairly ok....We move on day by days..... ard end of 2nd yrs his change after he came back from his overseas assignment & he change to a new job. from day to day we meet, slowly change to 3times a week, 2times a week, Once a week..... partly his busy schedule w work had make us apart. It fine & I purely understand his job nature make him hv really no time for anything. We sms each other everyday from morning, lunch, evening & night. His company had some changes begining of this yrs, so he quit & change job. With this current job he has is not busy at all, tot tat he shd hv more time for me & kids but Im wrong...... slow he gets to know that he miss his kids alot more & felt tat he shd spend more time with his kids. Everyday I wait for his call & hope that he would put me in his schedule but slowly he make himself not available most of the time till the day which was 20, June 2006 i make a big fuss w him over the phone asking him is it that we're not meet up anymore. He answer was " Yes" we'll not meet up anymore, I broke down & I really love him alot..... & I take care of him well. Even my friends has fully agreed tat Im a very "gd wife" to him. After the broke up, we met up 2 times. The end result was he feel for the kids & need to go back to his kids & not so much for his wife. "Believe" not so much for his wife...... I dun believe at all, man need a woman ok..... till today I still miss him alot, tears during my sleep. SMS him to show my care for him but no reply most of the time. Ive put in my whole heart for him..... but at the end his still choose to go back. I feel veri lonely without him. With this experience, I learn alot & I know married man cannot be trusted by their beautiful words. In 2days time(23 sept) it my birthday, Im hoping to spend my birthday with him as Ive requested him to spend w me during our last phone call. End August he called me and was told he plan to go BKK w his dad during 21-22 Sept, I told him it was near to my b'day, He soundly veri nicely & happily telling me that trip not confirm still can make plan for it. Sms him on Tuesday knowing that he is flying off to bkk in the afternoon and I got so upset & I knew he has no plan to spend time w me this two days. After reading yr posting, my advise to you.... pls do not involve w married man, no result & will get yrself hurt.... true enough.... I got myself so hurt till today, now Im still tearing & hoping that he'll call me. really not worth it at all to get yrself hurt. Leave him alone & stay far away. Im trying veri hard too but I cant get out totally. His name " Jason " was so common, it always remind me when I reply email to our overseas principle name "Jason". sign..... I also need expertise to advise me.

sad woman
and while this might actually be the most difficult post i've ever tried to read (because of all the "text message" abbreviation going on... or should i say "txt msg" abb... lol), it almost sounds like you're looking for advice on how to get him to pay more attention to you...
you talk about how you're actually upset that he chose his family over you...
are you willing and content to live with potentially destroying this man's family and leaving a permanent scar on his children???... if so, then there's probably not much in the way of advice that any of us can give you...
you too, should try to move on, and get out of this situation as soon as possible... once again... nothing good can come of it...

just my $0.02
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Old 12-02-2006, 04:10 PM   #11
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keepsgoin HB User
Re: still involved w/ a married man

Don't ever expect this to be more than it is right now. So unless you want to keep feeling horrible all the time, you have to just stop. You can change your e-mail address and your phone number very easily. You are just in for years of heart ache if you don't stop...sure it will hurt and it may hurt for a long time but not as long as it will hurt if you continue the affair!
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Old 12-02-2006, 10:18 PM   #12
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Laylah HB User
Re: still involved w/ a married man

"...sure it will hurt and it may hurt for a long time but not as long as it will hurt if you continue the affair!"

This advice is spot on for both of the women involved with married men here. I really dont have much to add, except to say that a woman who's prepared to cause this sort of hurt to the mans wife really cant expect much sympathy when she ends up hurting herself. After all, isnt she only experiencing what she was prepared to put the wife through?

 
Old 12-03-2006, 12:56 AM   #13
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Fabat40 HB User
Re: still involved w/ a married man

You already know your answers to your questions and concerns.

I see mistresses as such: When the wife throws out the table scraps, or steak & chicken bones, they go to the mistresses. Is that what you want? Is that what you think of yourself? Don't you think you deserve better than table scraps?

Those are the questions I'd ask myself if I keep going back for table scraps.

He has been playing you for a fool and you keep joining into the game.

 
Old 12-03-2006, 09:20 AM   #14
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Re: still involved w/ a married man

Quote:
Originally Posted by rebe0901
He's not a bad man,.
This is debatable. A man who breaks his vows to his wife, lies and cheats and takes another woman's heart, love and life and plays hackie sac with it all pretty well fits my definition of "bad man."


Quote:
Originally Posted by rebe0901
I really do like him, I don't know why he's so effusive with me at times. telling me that he loves me, would be with me if I'd met him earlier, cant' stand to be without me, .

He's that way with you because it works. It keeps you coming back for more. If he really loved you all that much and couldn't stand to be without you that much he'd leave his wife and be with you. You're the one being hurt the most in this situation. when it's over and he'd tired of playing the juggling game, or his wife finds out and tells him to get rid of you or she'll take the kids and take him for everything he's worth and he kicks you to the curb, you'll be heartbroken, alone and no close to having the love and devotion, commitment and family that you want. Don't do that to yourself.

 
Old 12-04-2006, 12:55 AM   #15
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yellow rose HB User
Re: still involved w/ a married man

Please, just take the advice of other people posting messages, and get out of this relationship. He is married to another woman, you have no right to be involved with him, no matter how tempting. I am in a situation at the moment, where my husband is doing a similar thing with another woman. I know you are hurting because of the situation, but you will NEVER know the hurt this causes to the wife and kids, and you have no right to be inflicting this kind of pain on another woman. Sorry, I know this sounds harsh, but its serious, and my heart feels like it is being ripped out everytime I imagine my husband with this other woman. Do yourself and the wife a favour, and walk away.

 
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