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Old 09-18-2006, 03:15 PM   #1
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Trying to find yourself...peace

My wife is taking some time off again.Weve had some past trust issues.Weve stuck it out and stayed together.We both love eachother very much, but the past haunts us both.


I have trust issues with her and it makes me want to check her call log records and know where shes at all the time.I mean if she goes out and stays gone for awhile I wonder, and ask her where did you go.So I guess I have control issues.

Her problem is that she wont settle down.Shes very outgoing and flirty.Thats her personality.Very friendly.

She tells me use this tie apart to get comfortable with yourself.Stop checking my call logs and dont follow me.She says that we could start dating again if we both made some changes and where we dont fight all the time.

Most would say its over and Ive put up with to much from her and to just call it quits.My problem is that shes the love of my life.When were together and getting along were invincable, but when we fight its crazy.

So how do I get her off my mind?I dont have many friends because all I do is work.So I just pretty much sit here in our house alone and drink.

 
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Old 09-18-2006, 03:35 PM   #2
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Re: Trying to find yourself...peace

You might want to talk to a doctor if you're experiencing symptoms of depression. Depression is a medical disorder that is treated with medication. It sounds like you're treating it with alcohol. That is typical but it is not the way to solve anything. You won't "find yourself" or overcome your insecurities through drinking. It will only make you more confused and paranoid. To clear your head during this difficult time, you need to abstain from all alcohol and mind altering drugs unless prescribed by a doctor. I may sound like some anti-alcohol preacher, but that's not me. I'm a drinker myself and I self-medicate through alcohol and I know what it leads to, and I know it doesn't help!

You say you don't have many friends. Well, that does mean you have at least one friend, right? So, plan to do something with that friend, perhaps fishing or out for coffee or attend a concert or whatever it is you like to do (except for drinking). And then, look through your address book for an aquantance or old friend who perhaps you haven't spoken to in awhile and then just give them a call. If that's not an option for you, how about starting a new hobby and joining some kind of group in your community that supports that hobby? I know many areas are starting fall softball leagues right now. Or there are fantasy football groups. If sports isn't your area, then how about volunteering at a local museum? What are you good at? What do you know a lot about? Poker/card tournaments are also fun to join. How about looking on the Internet at some local Web sites for places to meet new people? There are always decent people online looking to make more friends. You say you work a lot --can you socialize with your coworkers more? How about family? Any brothers or sisters or parents you could hang out with? Or even cousins or uncles/aunts are good resources, too. There are also many things you can do on your own, like read, learn a musical instrument, go to concerts, etc. How about taking a vacation by yourself? That can teach you that you are strong enough to do something on your own and also be a great time of personal discovery.

It doesn't sound like your relationship is over. It just sounds like you're very insecure about yourself. You think you're wife is friendly and outgoing and everyone wants her, but you think of yourself as lonely and unworthy, right? That has to change in order for your relationship to work. It is true that you have to love yourself before you can love others. If your wife means so much to you, use that as motivation to want to become a better man for her. Think of how great it will be to talk to your wife about something that you did that day, instead of questioning her on her day.

Asking your wife where she went and expressing interest in her day is one thing -- that is appropriate in my opinion. But obsessing over it or questioning her too much is not. You must have trust in order for a relationship to work. If one person is insecure, trusting the other can be impossible.

I hope you can find the means to take action to help yourself. There are no secret receipes to get yourself to do this -- you just have to DO IT! Then, no matter what happens in your marriage, you should be able to find happiness in your life. Good luck!

Last edited by minnesotagirl; 09-18-2006 at 03:37 PM.

 
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Old 09-18-2006, 04:11 PM   #3
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Re: Trying to find yourself...peace

I'm very sorry that you and your wife are having problems. I am going to be perfectly honest here. Unless there is some type of physical abuse going on then I think that you both need to work through these issues (trust) while still in the same household. You can build trust faster and learn to be less selfish while living together. If one of the partner leaves (wife in this case) then that only fuels the idea of you not trusting her. She ends up having a better opportunity to go places that she doesn't need to wherein, you begin to be paranoid about her going those places. It's just easier to work thru those things by staying at home. The temptation is worse when separated.

How old are ya'll? I understand what you are going thru because I've been in both of your shoes. Will share more alittle bit later. Lets see what other poster say.

Be Good To Yourself,
Patti

 
Old 09-18-2006, 07:23 PM   #4
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Re: Trying to find yourself...peace

Alot of what you said minnesotagirl is the things she says, and what I think.

Im really into cars, but thats one of the things that kept me from spending time with my family.

I also will get down and just sit on the internet and look and read about cars.

Im not saying she doesnt have other reasons why she doesnt like me right now.I have anger issues for one.I try to hold my temper, but when she comes home late or act like shes cold and doesnt care I yell and have broke things before.Its rage really.I feel pretty guilty right after I brake something.I think Im going to find a shrink for my head problems.

I agree with you Shorty39, but there were a couple fights we had a month ago that kinda pushed that one over the edge.

 
Old 09-19-2006, 03:01 PM   #5
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minnesotagirl HB User
Re: Trying to find yourself...peace

If there were fights that pushed it over the edge into physical abuse then you definately need to get some counseling NOW. Look for a counselor who specializes in anger management and/or domestic violence. It might be hard to do, but a men's support group also may help you.

 
Old 09-19-2006, 10:40 PM   #6
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Re: Trying to find yourself...peace

Why do you automatically assume i was the one that did the abusing?Sexist!

Seriously in a nut shell.She stole the title to the car which I owe $12,000. for and put it in her name.So I took her clothes as ransom just to get the title from her.I wasnt going to take the car from her, and I was going to give her clothes back.That made her angry.I then took the keys and I basically got beat up for 30 minutes,I just set there and blocked the punches and took it.What really made her mad is when I started laughing.So basically she gets arrsested and I spend the next 3 days trying to get her out of jail.Despite everything I do care about her and dont want her in jail.Its not fun in there.

I know what I did was wrong and imature, I am very sorry for it.She was leaving before all that.That just made it worst.Im really in a funk right now.I keep giving her empty threats.I guess in the back of my head I think theyll make her come back, but in the front my head I dont mean to say them, they just kinda blurt out of anger.For example I tell her I will take the car from her and the cell phone.Im an ******* really.How do I change?Sorry if upset anyone right now, Im drunk!

 
Old 09-19-2006, 10:42 PM   #7
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SoFarSoGood HB User
Re: Trying to find yourself...peace

Opps I cursed.

Im sorry!

Please dont kick me out, this is all I have.

 
Old 09-20-2006, 10:08 AM   #8
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rolltider HB User
Re: Trying to find yourself...peace

You need to man up.

You sound like a guy who lets his woman walk all over him, and in frustration, you look to cars, work, and the bottle to find relief. You can gain a relationship with your wife again, but you need to change yourself first.

Change your look, dress nice, hair, etc. You need to work out.Go to the gym and get your tensions and agressions out. Practically you need to act like a single guy. Get out and do some things. Go back to school. Do not talk about your relationship with her, unless she asks. Don't make demands and don't threaten anything. Tell her your always open for reconciling things, but only if she commits to you and you only.

There are a lot more places to get better advice than me, but this would be a positive start. Also, don't expect changes anytime soon. She won't trust this new you to be authentic.

Good luck.

 
Old 09-20-2006, 10:24 AM   #9
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Re: Trying to find yourself...peace

You right man.I know everything yall are saying true.Its been going through my head over and over.Its hard adjusting, I havent been single in along time.

Anytime I talk to her I want to talk about us, and that pushes her away.I went 2 whole days without calling her, and she started calling me saying she missed me like crazy depsite everything thats going on.That just stirred up my emotions and made me want her back more.So of course I screw it up by asking her to come back.I just need to sit down and shutup and wait.

 
Old 09-20-2006, 06:53 PM   #10
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Shorty39 HB User
Re: Trying to find yourself...peace

Yes try just not talking about the actual issues if they aren't life or death. Don't call all the time. Just let things ride for a little while. Now why in the world would a grown man tear up HIS WIFE"S clothes? Don't you know that is the most immature thing I've ever heard of. I don't believe she should have been hitting you for 30 minutes either. But I gotta say "I'd hit you at least once if you tore my clothes up too." LOL LOL No seriously, just take a break and see how things look in a week or so when you haven't been calling her. She'll call you I promise she will. She's got curosity too.

Please don't drink alcohol to try and cover the pain or drown your sorrows in. That is just hurting you more. And it doesn't work. You wake up with a headache and the same problems.

Be Good To Yourself,
Patti

 
Old 09-20-2006, 07:14 PM   #11
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Re: Trying to find yourself...peace

I didnt tear up her clothes! I seriously took every piece of clothing off each hanger very carefully and put them in a box, seperated and all.She has about 70 pairs of pants, 100+ shirts, 15 interview suits, 20 work outfits, 120+ shoes.I just held them ransom.I intended on givin g them back, which I did.



I do have really good news though.We went to the judge today and tried to get the protection order removed so she could see her kids and me if she wanted to.I dont know if I told yall but the state auto. issues a protection order when theres a domestic disturbence and the kids are there.The kids were there but they were in the house when she was hitting me.But none the less they were there.So we went to the judge and he asked my 10 yr. old son "Do you think its safe to drop this proctection order? He said yes sir.Then he said "your parents can cause alot of trouble cant they?", Yes Sir.Then he looked at me and my wife very stirnly and said "see what yall our doing your kids?" I said yes Sir, they shouldnt have to see this, Im sorry.He then said "I tell you what, how bout I drop this protection order and all four go to family counseling for 6 months?".


I spoke up and said I think thats a great idea.I mean I do need couseling for my problems, I know my wife has head issues, and my 10 yr old has experienced things that he shouldnt have.Its made im very strong, but its given him stress to follow which Im so sad about.My 2 1/2 yr. old is always mad, I think he needs alot of positive attention.

So we got the protection order dropped.I was siked.My 2 1/2 yr old has been saying momma momma for a week.His little face lit up when he saw her today.That made me so happy.

I let her come over the house and look for a job on the internet and left her alone all day basically.Later she started getting all her stuff and she kept flirting with me, bumping into me when there was enough space to get around.It made me feel good.I kept quite.Then again it probaly has to do with the fact that we both havent really touched or had sex in a month.SHES HORNY!

Thank yall for the help.Im do need to quit drinkin so much!Hell Im drunk right now!But I do need to take it easy and focuse.

 
Old 09-21-2006, 12:53 PM   #12
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Re: Trying to find yourself...peace

Glad to hear that ya'll are going to counseling. We all could use that at different seasons of our lives. Please stop all that drinking you say your doing. The kids don't need to be around that either. Your just hurting your liver and other relationships. Wife doesn't want you drinking. Do all you can to keep your family together. Let us hear from you.

Be Good To Yourself and NO MORE DRINKING>

Patti

 
Old 09-21-2006, 01:31 PM   #13
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minnesotagirl HB User
Re: Trying to find yourself...peace

I'm sure that alcohol is causing and has caused most of the problems you've experienced even if you don't see it that way. I'm saying this from experience. You need to stop drinking. Don't drink for one week. If you can't do that, then you have a problem and need to get help, seriously. Whatever you do, don't drink and drive, not even after a couple. Blood alcohol of .08 is now the legal limit across the country and this blood alcohol level is reached much sooner than you think -- for most people you're over the legal limit when you haven't even got a buzz yet. Get caught and it will screw up your life even more. Jail is not fun. With the kids in the car it is a felony.

Make an appointment with a family counselor TODAY, if you haven't already. You can't get anything productive done if you drink all the time. I know that from experience as well! You must do this to save your family, no joke -- the judge was totally right. Take his advice.

 
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