I never thought that I would need to use this board. Up until 2 weeks ago I thought my marriage was great.
My husband just came home from a 9 month deployment. Things are always a little strange when he comes home at first. Trying to get back into the swing of things. This time he thought that he had post traumatic stress disorder. He was really confused about everything. He finally told me last night that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He doesn't understand why. He said that I am everything that he ever wanted. And he is so confused. He started opening up to me last night. He normally keeps things bottled up. I don't know if I just became a stranger to him over the past few months. We are both willing to fight to get back what we had. I have never seen this man cry until last night. He couldn't stop shaking. I guess my question is can you fall in love with the same person over again. Is it possible? I know you can't make someone love you. I just want to know if its possible to fall in love again? We are both hoping that this is just a big wake up call.Thank you.
The fact that your husband opened up to you the way that he did speaks volumes about how much he respects you. He has been through a very difficult time that you and I having never served could never truly appreciate. My advice to you both is to take several deep breaths and maybe seek some outside help. It may be he is just confused. And about falling in love again? I dont think so because I believe if you REALLY love someone..you always will. Love, I believe, is not something you fall in and out of. True love is too deep an emotion to be that trifling. You may not be destined to be together in life but there will always be love. Anyway, its worth fighting for and I wish you both the best through it all!
I am sorry you and your husband are going through this hard time, you must have been looking forward to him getting home. This must have come as such a shock to you.
I believe it is possible for two people to fall in love with each other again. I'm sure a lot of this is due to all the stress he went through during his deployment. If you remind him each day you are the same woman he fell in love with all those years ago, I bet he'll fall in love with you again. I'm sure his love for you is still there, it just got lost in the mix of things. Try your best everyday to be the woman he feel in love with and I'm sure things will come around. Maybe the two of you could even go away for a romantic weekend or just one night.
Good luck I wish you the best
Oh my friend........I'm very sorry that you both are facing this problem right now. But never fear....You CAN fall in love with him all over again. And he can fall in love with you all over again. Never forget that. The thing is that you both still love each other you just gotta click the refresh button.
He has been so stressed with this ole world. And you've been on edge as to whether he's safe while away from sight. But honey, He's home now. Take deep breath slowly exhale........You'll both get back into the sync of things soon. Don't be so quick to say we aren't in love anymore. Usually when I hear those words; it's possibly because one or both are feeling a little guilty about something.....not necessarily something bad..........just something.
Spend some time together one on one. Know that you aren't alone in feeling like this. Many of our soldiers feel like this some time or another and their wifes. But tell me this...............Are the two of ya'll ready to sit on the couch going through the VHS, DVD's Tapes and deciding which one of you gets tape #1 and Tape #2 etc. etc. etc. How do you divide up things so memorable. Who gets child #1, etc...Just remember that you aren't alone in how your feeling right now but it can be temporary.....spend some quality time together and do things you've not done in awhile because your man was gone. Need some one on one time. Pick some of the happiness moments you've shared and relive them. It's much easier to patch what you have than to start all over. Plus, you made vows to each other and don't take light of them. Til death do us part. Doesn't say til we THINK we don't love each other anymore.
If for some reason you find that one of you or both have broken the trust please don't even think that can't be fixed. Nothing is unfixable. Its been a tough time for our men and women. Don't be so quick as to throw it all away as if it was a soiled stuffed animal. Please if you do find any information out that you don't know how to deal with, come back here and let us support ya'll and help you deal with whatever it is. And if it's nothing come back still and let us know of the great homecoming you shared. Keep us posted on how ya'll are doing. How long have ya'll been married? Do you have any children? Best of luck always. May God bless each of you tremedously.
Thank you Patti. I'm still in love with him. Last night when he told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore he said that it was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. I have a daughter from a previous marriage. That ended because he was unfaithful. My current husband and I have been married for a little more than three years, been together for five. We have a 2 year old daughter together. We didn't sit down and start dividing things up. Last night we just held eachother and talked about how hard we are going to fight to get this to work. The hard thing is I only have him for 2 months before he deploys again. I hope that he finds that he sill loves me.
Sweetie, I didn't mean to come across as saying that ya'll sat down and were dividing things out. I simply meant, Just think about how hard it would be to actually do that..........Ok the video of our daughter at 6 months you can have and the video of her at 1 year old I will take. That is going to be one of the hardest things anyone would have to do. Who gets what on those sentimental things. That's all I really meant and that you don't get to that point. Lots of times when we threaten divorce we don't think about those kinda things and only about child support and new place to live and who gets the kids for what weekend. It's so much more than all that. It rips my heart out to think of people getting divorced when there isn't physical/emotional abuse. I understand that when there is physical abuse you must keep safe.
I believe if the two of you laid down holding each other and crying about him not loving you anymore and you loving him; that given enough time and intimacy with him You'll Win His Heart Again. He's just really confused right now and I don't believe he really doesn't want you. After all, I just don't think that he's ready to throw his family away. Please hang in there and would love to help and encourage you more if you keep posting. I'm lifting ya'll up as we speak to the one who can restore relationships if we let him.
Well, he came home after 17 hours at work yesterday and kissed me. Just a little peck. He was so exhausted. Then he found out he is leaving sooner than we thought. He was really quiet last night. We went to bed at the same time. He was too tired to talk last night. This morning before he left for work he gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me to have a good day and he will see me after work. There weren't any I love you's exchanged. I hate going through this. Now he did tell me that he was canceling his horseback riding trip with our neighbors this weekend so he can be at home to do family things. I am just so confused. I am waiting to here from the therapist's office that I called. I am so sick to my stomach. I barely want to get out of bed.
OMG you did great. You didn't pressure him or anything. I know that you say there were no "I Love Yous" but hey thats ok because he KNOWS you love him. I think this is great because the communication line is not broken. At least he is talking and thats step one. ((((((HUGS))))) Keep posting
I really don't think he cheated on me. The reason why I say this is because my ex husband did cheat on me and I am not getting the same vibes from my current husband. I looked up post traumatic stress disorder and one of the signs is being distant and estranged from family. I know he saw things that I can't even imagine.
Last night he came home and we talked. He did get the information that we needed to go to counceling. I think that is a good thing. He also told me that one of his friends is going through the same thing right now except its the wife that lost feelings. He had told my husband about how they were starting to split things up. My husband told him that he wasn't ready for that yet. He also told me that he really wants it to work out and is scared that I will hate him if it doesn't. I told him that all I ask is to give it his all. We went to bed at the same time again. I know its awkward for him to be in the same bed as me right now. I was cold and he put his leg inbetween mine like he did when we were newly weds. When we were first married we always had to have a body part touching when we went to sleep. This morning after he got dressed in his PT clothes he crawled back into bed with me and put his leg on top of one of mine. I was about to get up and moved my leg and he pushed it back down with his until I told him that I needed to go make his lunch. When he was leaving he gave me a hug and a " see ya after work babe." Now one of the hard parts is that he is leaving a whole lot sooner than we thought. We have less that 3 weeks. Its going to be a short tour this time though. Thanks for listening.
I do not want to start trouble where there is none, but my XH came home from long business trips a few times in our marriage and broke down and cried to me. Wasn't sure what he felt, was a mess tho. It was very very scarey...
FF a few months...years....he was a cheater. He knew I'd kick him to the curb faster than anything, so he was too afraid to tell me, but also too afraid to fake what he was feeling and didn't really want to be around me intimately. He loved me, but wasn't IN love with me anymore...b/c he was thinking about a third party. Now that I look back on it, he loved me and was used to me for comfort, so he wanted me to comfort him about feeling so badly about himself I guess. He used excuses like he didn't know where his life was going, he had made so many wrong decisions, he felt so paralized by fear, but not sure why...bla bla bla...I thought mid life crisis, altho early....
Your H has been thru so much, and I'm not saying it's at all the same, except for the behavior of your H toward you, and the crying, not really knowing what's going on--all things my XH said. He was lying. To me, and probably to himself. Just be careful, and good luck to ya.
Well, We have our first counciling appointment on Thursday. It can't be soon enough.He was flirting with me today. He was hoping it would jump start feelings for me. There is nothing. Tonight he was talking about all the stress at work and now coming home to a cold house. He feels more comfortable at work than at home. I had hope until tonight. He can't remember the last time he got butterflies. He is running all sorts of scenerios in his head like maybe we got married to soon. He also mentioned that now he can't just jump in the truck and take off anymore or go out with the guys like he use to. I feel like I'm holding him down. He also said that he so confused.He has almost no feeling anymore except for his love for the girls. When I would cry before it would kill him. Now it just hurts but it doesn't get to him like it use to. He doesn't know if he can handle to stress of his job and a marriage anymore. I am just so confused and hurting so much. He really blind sighted me.
Marriage consists of ups and downs and unfortunately, you are in the down part. I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time.
From my experience, yes, it's possible to fall in love all over again with the same person. There are times when I just look at my husband and feel my heart go thru hoops and there are times when I just look at him and I have to walk out of the room ( this while we were engaged). As long as the two of your are communicating, it's still a good sign. What your husband has gone thru is unimaginable to a lot of us. It's understandable that he's going thru a lot of different emotions.
May you and your husband find peace in your life and marriage.
Well we went to our councelor on Thursday. Neither my husband nor I cared for her. We both seemed rushed. Especially after we told her that he was leaving again very soon. She said " well time is really working against you." No kidding. Tell us something we don't know. She said that my dh has a lot of anxiety and offered one on one sessions with him to try to figure it out. Another thing. She said that our conversations have become very superficial. Thats true. My dh told her that a lot of things he can't tell me because they are classified. So she suggested that we talk about how an event had changed . For example wen you leave how do you feel? My dh said that he likes to leave becuase he knows he's heading for another adventure and going to see a different part of the world. He just hates seeing me cry. The lady said she took that as he is looking for a way out of the relationship. I didn't get that out of that statement. I see a man who loves his job. I am starting to think he feels guilty for loving it so much. She told us that he already knows what he wants he just needs to look down deep and find it. Anyways, his first one on one session is today. We will see how that goes.
My dh had his session one on one yesterday. The counceler did better he says. From what he is saying it sounds like he can't handle the stress of a family and his career. He also got use to doing whatever he wanted to do when he wanted to do also. That angered me. I told him that there are times that I would love to sleep in but I have two little girls that need me. Sometimes I would love a break but I can't just walk away from my resposiblities. The counceler asked him if he just doesn't want the responsibility anymore. My dh said that if we don't make it that he will still have responsibilities. What paying child support? The counceler asked him if he just wanted to be a card dad? you know the dads that send cards for birthdays and christmas. He said he is never home and is already a card dad but any chance he got he would visit. I guess when it comes to his career and family something has to give and it looks like its going to be his family. I told him that he can have both. The counceler said that she thinks we can work things out with a lot of hard work. I think he has already made up his mind and wants out. And if he wants out they are for very selfish reasons. His next appointment is Thursday. Hope it goes well.
Last night we didn't talk at all about our relationship problems. We just had fun. He came home from work just playing with me. And when we when to bed it was tickle fest time and a pillow fight. We still have fun together. I am just so confused. I can't wait until his appointment tomorrow.
Now I have decided that I am going to go back to work. I have been a stay at home mom for the past three years. Its been very rewarding but its time to go back. I am hoping with me making some money it will lift some of the financial stress from my husband. Hopefully that will help some. I guess we will see.
Let me know anyone has any advice on getting back into the work field. I do have a lot of volunteer hours I can put on my resume.
I actually asked him that a couple of nights ago. He said that he doesn't feel guilty about leaving because its his job. But on the other hand he hates seeing me cry when he leaves. I told him to never feel guilty about leaving. He loves what he does and not vary many people can say that. Keep your head in the mission. We are fine back here. During the nine months he was gone he was always mentioning something about me leaving him because he is gone so much. This next year is going to be rough also. I almost think he has shut down from me. If he blocks all feeling then it just won't hurt when I leave type of thing. He said that it has crossed his mind. I keep reassuring him that I am in it for the long haul. I know there are a lot of wives that aren't cut out to be military wives but I am NOT one of them. He also mentioned something about if something happened to him it wouldn't hurt be as bad if we weren't together anymore. He has seen many helicopter crashes and has had to pull our soldiers out of the rubble. His job is very dangerous. I hope he didn't have a preminition about his own death or something. Not sure. I still think he is confused.
Yes all that you said is what I was thinking may be a possibility with him.
The fact that he hates it to see you being upset when he leaves, if he didn't love you, then it wouldn't really upset him. The fact that he is scared that you will leave him whilst he is away, it is as if he is convinced that you will eventually meet another, and is somehow trying to convince himself he doesn't love you, and trying to detach himself from you!
Maybe by him telling you he is no longer in love with you, is in his mind making it easier on himself, if the worst for him was to happen. A kind of preparation for losing you.
One of the reasons I am thinking this is because (although very different, just an example) years and years ago, I had a lovely boyfriend, really in love etc etc but he kept pushing me away, telling me to find another etc etc. I could not understand it, cause when we were together, he made me feel special, caring etc. It was only a few months after we finished, that I found out that he was dying when we were dating, and so then it made sense as to why he was seemingly pushing me away. My point being, things aren't always what they seem.
I would say that your husband is down on himself a bit from what he is going through regarding his job, and is convinced that the happiness he enjoys with you will not last. A self fullfilling phoperhy (excuse spelling) maybe.