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Old 09-19-2006, 10:09 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: new london, wisconsin usa
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rag_doll HB User
I live in Dysfunction Junction..HELP!!

I dont know how to start this. I am 49, happily married for 32 years, with 3 children, and 2 grand-daughters. My mom never took care of me, she never married my dad. I lived with my grandparents. Through years of therapy because of all the anger I felt toward my mom for walking out on me, I finally thought I had come to live in peace with what happened. I have been for the last 5 years to try to establish a mother/daughter relationship with her. I never knew my dad. But I am finding it impossible to do!! I cannot trust the woman as far as I can throw a cow!!! Everything I tell her in confidence, within a few days, is the fodder for the main gossip circuit. We live in a small town. It has happened over and over and over, and I always forgive her. But this time, I don't think I can. She told my son some things I told her in complete confidentiality, and our family has just blown into pieces!!! I am angry at my mom, my son is angry at me, and his 2 sisters are angry at him and my mom. My husband said he always knew you can't trust my mother, so thats why he never has had much to do with her. Anyway, what it boils down to is that my youngest daughter is getting married in 3 weeks. Now my son said he is not going to her wedding, he called her an f------- b-------. My mom said she won't come either. Someone please give me an idea as to how to deal with all this!!!! I have had a pounding headache for the last 36 hours straight. To help clarify the seriousness of this, what my mom gossiped about is not just some trivial crap. It is life-altering, heartbreaking information, and she betrayed me. I feel totally to blame for this, and really stupid for even thinking I could trust her, because the day I told her, I really needed someone to talk to. Now, not only have all my old trust issues come flooding back, but my children are at each others throats. Suggestions please. Do I never talk to her again? Keep her out of my life for good this time, or what? My daughters never, ever got close to her, and they never thought they could trust her. They don't now for sure. My therapist says the opposite of hate is indifference, not love, but I just don't know. I feel years of hard work with my therapist just got flushed down the toilet!!! I don't want my children hurting either. I can hurt, I have it down to an art form, but not them!!!! Heartbroken and angry in Wisconsin

Last edited by rag_doll; 09-19-2006 at 10:29 AM.

 
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Old 09-19-2006, 11:01 AM   #2
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: California, CA, USA
Posts: 1,117
Destea HB User
Re: I live in Dysfunction Junction..HELP!!

I really think you need to cut ties with this woman. She sounds very toxic, and it doesn't sound like she's changing her tune any time soon. The fact that she's had this big an effect on your family speaks in volumes... you owe nothing to her!

Focus on your family and leave this woman out of it. I know it's probably hard but she doesn't sound like a very reliable person who's adding anything to your life right now... let her go!

 
Old 09-20-2006, 12:43 AM   #3
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Join Date: Sep 2006
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Stillsearching HB User
Re: PLEASE I need advice..so important!!! RE-Posted!!!

My advice to you is to not allow your mother to come back into your life until she acts as a respectable adult and a human being. In one swoop, she'd disrupted your family life.

Anything less than that, you are allowing her to disrespect you and your family, especially after what she hasn't done for you.

Until then, you now have the power to cut your ties with her as an adult.

good luck.

 
Old 09-20-2006, 12:19 PM   #4
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: "central", KY, USA
Posts: 344
thegardener HB User
Re: I live in Dysfunction Junction..HELP!!

Ragdoll, maybe you keep giving your mother chances because you really want a relationship with her. You can't mold her into that mom that you need. Never trust her again. I'm sorry that you have a mom like this, you deserve better.

 
Old 09-20-2006, 02:21 PM   #5
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 182
Shorty39 HB User
Re: I live in Dysfunction Junction..HELP!!

Rag Doll.........Sometimes we just have to distance ourselves from people we love for a little while. Mother or not. I have to from my mother. She's always thought more of the other sisters and brothers and GRANDCHILD more than me. But I'm an adult now and my kids don't even really know her and she lives about 4 miles from me. ANYWAY.....maybe you can get your children together and really have a heart to heart talk and remind them that they weren't raised to disrespect each other like this. That we all make mistakes and we ask forgiveness and we forgive. And at the end of the day WELL, we're still family. Always will be. I can't imagine what your mother could have told that you said and it has the family in pieces. Just remember you built your family on a good foundation (unlike your mom) and it will still be standing when all is well. That is ya'lls safe haven. You must insist that this mess get straighten out.

As far as your mom, you might distance yourself for a couple weeks and then you must forgive her again. It's a never ending thing my friend. But you don't have to get inside of her or you don't have to let her inside of you; until your comfortable with that. She has to know in her mind and heart that there is tension in the family and that she's the cause of it and if she has a conscious at all it is bothering her. And I can promise you IT IS BOTHERING HER!

Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

Be Good To Yourself,
Patti

 
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