I need help. I'm a 19 year old female and I have a boyfriend who I have been with for a year now. I have jealousy issues really badly and I know if they don't change I am going to lose someone who means a lot to me. Whenever I am going out somewhere ( club, dinner, with a new girl around) I see it as a competition to try and look more attractive than her. When he even looks at another girl or smiles and makes any kind of interest towards her I get into this really bad mood. I feel like I'm worth nothing anymore and that I'm ugly again. It's gotten to the point where I will just get really quiet and I don't want to be around him. There was one night that really bothered me. we went to a braves game with our friend and his "attractive" cousin. She was pretty but he made the extra effort to talk to her and it bothered me. Every little thing she did seemed to be funny to him. I explained my feelings and everything towards him and he said " he can't help he gets nervous around attractive women sometimes."
We also had recently talked about his bachelor party and how he thinks it would be okay for him to go to a strip club... but this would kill me.
We were really good friends before we started dating and we actually went to a strip club together and it never bothered me. Looking back on this now does. I don't know what to do at this point. It's only an issue when I am with him... otherwise it doesn't bother me. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!
Last edited by anonymous08; 09-19-2006 at 03:48 PM.
Usually jealousy is caused within yourself. You are insecure about yourself, you may feel that you're not good enough for your boyfriend, you may have low self esteem. Don't feel this way! Try to boost yourself up and find ways to reassure yourself that you are worthy to be loved. It is true what they say - you have to love yourself before you can love others! Being jealous isn't healthy. So, write down all the GREAT things about you! Keep reminding yourself of what is positive about you, and believe it all. Also, it might help to not be so much involved or worried about your relationship right now. Find things that make you happy alone, get involved in activities that make you feel proud of yourself. When you are more secure within yourself, you'll have no reason to be jealous of any other girl, because you'll know that you have things to offer your boyfriend far beyond anything the other girl could, and you'll be confident that he's with you and only you, and hey if he isn't, then you know that you can find someone else.
As far as the strip club, that's a different story, in my opinion. I had the bad experience last spring of watching my boyfriend on his birthday at the strip club. It didn't bother me to watch him on-stage in front of everyone, which is what they do on birthdays -- they invite the Bday boy on stage and have him sit in a chair and a line of strippers take turns sorta giving him a mini lap dance. They do it in a funny way, and since it is in front of everyone at the club and therefore not intimate, it doesn't bother me. I'm secure enough in myself to know my BF finds it funny too and any sort of attraction he'd have is normal and nothing to worry about. Plus, a bunch of other guys are staring at the strippers too, so its not like my boyfriend and some girl are being intimate together. HOWEVER, last spring one of my boyfriend's friends bought him a $20 lap dance. For that, he had to go to the back of the club to a private couch! My BF should have refused; he didn't and I was so mad. Thankfully I was there. I went to the back and sat next to him during the "dance." The lap dance was basically this stripper sitting on my BF's lap topless, then dry humping him during two songs! I was moritified, completely upset and hurt! That wasn't a jealousy issue, I don't think --- it was that my BF was having an experience with another woman. Needless to say, I made a HUGE deal out of it and it will NEVER happen again.
So, you might just want to talk to your BF about that, and how it would make you feel. HOWEVER, are you even engaged? Are wedding plans even in the works? I mean, when exactly is this bachelor party? You might sound a bit paranoid and a bit of a winer if you bring this up before it even happens.
Anyway, looking at naked strippers, in my opinion, is just something men do. The female body is beautiful, afterall. But the intimate lap "dances" are something that should be only for single men.
Well, work on your own self esteem and be more secure in yourself, and the other jealousy issues will fade away. And especially don't be jealous of your BF's cousin. Just think if he were jealous of you and a male cousin of your's - yuck, right?
Last edited by minnesotagirl; 09-20-2006 at 08:08 AM.
Well it's not his cousin it's his friends cousin but yeah that would be yuck lol.
I don't see how you really got over your bf going to that strip club and getting a dance. I would seriously flip.
Thanks for ur advice about me bringing up my self esteem and getting involved in things for myself, that really does seem like it is going to help me.
We actually are not going to be getting married any time soon maybe in a year or two. I'm not engaged but we have talked about his future bachelor party and he did mention going to a strip club. I know his friends and they would definately be the type to want to go to one and buy him a lap dance. I think about it even tho its not until a long time and it really steams me up inside.
Look, here's the thing. We're born alone and we die alone. We can never own or possess another human being. I know a lot of people want to make their relationships like a sensory deprivation tank, but it isn't that simple.
So your boyfriend notices other attractive girls...that is human nature. Don't YOU ever notice other attractive guys? I think it is kind of odd that when you go out, you are focused only on all the women in the room. Instead, why not focus on the attractive guys around you?
I used to be like you, actually, but as I've gotten a little older I really think that expecting your SO to find you and only you attractive is a little bit irrational. I don't see the big deal about a strip club. When someone is away from you, what does it matter what they are doing? That is how I look at relationships. It has to be the most unhealthy thing in the world to obsess about what your boyfriend/girlfriend is doing when they aren't with you, or obsessing about who else in the room they might find appealing. Really pointless.
I think you just need to focus more on yourself, and less on your boyfriend. You'll be happier that way.
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
anonymous08- we have a lot in common. I'm 21, I've been with my b/f for 4 years now and I have always been jealous in the same ways that you are. Comparing myself to other women, looking at who he's looking at, wondering who he's talking to/where he's been, etc, etc, etc... the list just never ends. I don't know what to tell you, except that this has definitely put a strain on my relationship causing us to argue over stupid, pointess stuff. All the previous posters are right- this jealously is ridiculous, we can't control our b/f's and we shouldn't, we can't keep competing with other women because it's going to make us miserable.. yes I know all of that and I agree with it... Easier said than done. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't even have an answer for myself. I've been trying to change this for so long now, and no such luck. I'd just like to add however, that I don't believe this is a self-confidence/self-esteem issue, at least for me, I'm rather very confident about myself in all other areas of life.
p.s I've been stressing about this whole bachelor party idea too- even though it's quite a while away! Stupid, I know.
I am also 19 and have been with my lovely lad for about a year and a half. I think my personal insecurity is because I actually met my boyfriend when he was with his ex. Even though he NEVER cheated on her, I know he developed feelings for me when he was still with ehr. So i've seen it happen! So, to help, I've come to terms with the fact that I cannot and will not attempt to fight fate, and that even if things do not work out with him, who I absolutely adore, I know I will find another and be just as happy! Think positively and try not to worry about things that may not even happen (bechelor party!)
I think you need to try and not say anything to him if you see him looking at a girl, because it doesn't come across well. (i know). I say.... give him some of his own. If you're at a party, work the room, and speak with guys as if you're single (without flirting excessively). It may get his attention. Basically, you need to have trust. If your boyfriend gives you a reason to worry, then that's another story. But if you know him to be a faithful, honest and respectful person... trust that even though he may look at other people, it doesn't mean anything. If you think he's flirting, speak with him and see what he thinks. If you think he's flirting all the time, then that's another story and you should consider if he's actually being respectfully to you. Best of luck
Reading that was like reading something I would say...I am exactly the same and thinkin bout my boyf havin a bachelor party and watchin a stripper makes me want to throw up! But i try to look at it like this...I'l jus have my own bachelorette party and I can have a stripper and it wouldnt mean anything..it would be hilariously funny. Sometimes it's nice to know that you arent the only irrational jealous person in the world, well here i am. I cry when my boyfriend goes out and I know there will be other girls around, i can't sleep until he calls me to say he's in- now how crazy is that?? if you have any advice how I could handle that i'd be grateful!
I can relate as well I am older.. well older than those posted and worried. 30ish and my B/F is 25. I am a jealous type as well. I am worried he will meet someone younger better looking etc... Infact this weekend he has a party he is going to with a freind. And ya there will be girls there. It is way out of town so he is staying there. I am nervous about this.... but what can I do? Say no you can't go and come off all insecure.. I mean I am.. but I would rather not. I mean I can't stop him.. I have to trust.. now he has never given me a reason to not trust him in that way that I know of. But yes it bothers me. He told me he was going...cause I was hanging with a freind .. so he was going. Maybe I have issues there... cause I am confident in other area's also...Ya I freaked when he told me(when I was alone) like Oh God he may meet someone etc.. what if girls flirt and they will be drinking.. etc.. all these things going through my head. I hated it.. but I can't stop it I mean him from doing it. So I calmed down and thought so I am supposed to sit and stew and ruin my weekend? Speculate? Drive myself crazy? He cheats.. well can't do anything... Ya I will be upset, a million emotions...very hurt etc... things will end...