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Old 09-19-2006, 09:52 PM   #1
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Is he clueless?

Ok, so I met this guy about 2.5 months ago. Im still recovering from a devastating breakup but its been a long time so despite my very apparent issues, I feel as though Im ready to date. This guy was really forthcoming with being attracted to me, wanting to take me out, get to know me, etc., even when I resisted out of fear of getting involved, but...in truth I kind of liked it...Ive never been pursued like that (I like to do the pursuing typically ). So it was a nice change!
Anyway I eventually gave in. He was texting me a lot, being very sweet and asking me when we could catch up. I decided to give him a chance. He took me out for a few very nice dates and he didnt try much on me either, he was respectful and knew how to treat a girl, so it seemed. He was in Australia for 3.5 weeks immediately after our 1st date and called me from there twice and we talked constantly online. Fast-forward to the present time and I still havent slept with him, for reasons listed below and others. Given the time span, I kind of think hes NOT out for one thing, but then again, I cant be sure

So. Here are the issues:
He is constantly traveling for work. Which is actually OK for now in my book b/c Im not sure if I want to get all serious with him anyway. Im very busy with a new career in flight, classes, and my social life with friends, so I dont exactly notice that hes gone and pine away for him or anything. However this results in me not seeing him often, which makes it difficult for me to see that this thing between us has a point. In 2.5 months, we may have hung out a total of 5 or 6 times. I dont care what he does when hes on trips, and I am doing my thing here as well, so thats not an issue at the moment. I just sort of feel like this is going nowhere.
I also dont feel like I know him very well and that Im having a hard time GETTING to know him. What I do know reflects that he is a good guy, but based on past experience I know not to assume. He has shared some personal information with me about family, relationships, etc. However, we spend most of our time bantering when we're chatting online or on the phone. We both have a very blunt, sarcastic sense of humor so it can get pretty funny. But, it can also be frustrating. Its almost as if hes a kindegartner that pulls a girl's hair b/c he likes her. Sometimes I really just want to have a real, serious conversation and he makes it into a joke. Ive brought it up to him before and even my friend mentioned something about being more serious when appropriate (oh, thats another thing, he gets along real well with my best friend and they talk a lot online while at work... typically about me, which they both fill me in on later so its cool). Also, given that hes gone pretty much all the time, you'd think he'd be eager to catch up when hes home. But he doesnt seem to be. He seems pretty passive about it. All last weekend he was home and I didnt see him once. All I got was a text at 3 am on Fri (and it wasnt a booty call, more like a drunken greeting, which I ignored) and then he called Saturday, we chatted for a while and he told me hed stop by if he went out in the city that night. Well, Sunday I found out he went out in the city. He said he swore he texted me to let me know he couldnt stop by. ??
I have just been very clueless lately as to what he wants. I dont know if Im being unreasonable or have crazy expectations, but I dont think I am/do. Part of me feels he really likes me, given the effort he put in from the start and the way he is still chatting me up nearly every day for over 2 months. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. But its not like we're having extensive conversations often. I cant tell if Im more of a friend cause he doesnt want to put in much effort, or if he really does like me and just has NO clue. He just seems so passive, as if he couldnt care less. He did tell me he hasnt had a girlfriend in over 4 years, and when I asked why he said "I just haven't". He walked in on his ex literally cheating on him so maybe he has baggage just like I and most people do, but Im just very confused with his intentions.
I know I should put more emphasis on what I want, as Im trying to do, but its hard b/c Im too afraid to let my guard down and discover that I actually like him. I also refuse to put in all the effort...thats what happened at the end of my last relationship and Id rather push this guy away then put in all the effort to keep him around. I asked him straight out the other day if he just wanted to be friends and I explained to him why I was confused, and he said "well we havent talked about that yet, have we?" kind of in a curious tone. I told him thats what I was trying to do. After I gave my spiel, he said he needed to "think about it" (?) and he'd get back to me. Well, we've talked every day since then (which he's initiated) and he hasnt brought it up. Tonight I tried to bring it up casually (I dont want to nag, Im not his mother plus I dont want to push the issue and look like a psycho). Well he made a joke out of it, so I told him the ball was in his court, signed off the internet and deleted his #. That way I cant call him.
Part of me wonders if I should just end it now and never know how he feels, or if I should avoid him for a while and see how he reacts...? I have pretty high standards and while he seems like a well-intentioned guy, his level of effort has dramatically decreased over the last month or so and I am too sensitive to lack of effort/one-sided relationships from my past. I wonder too if Im just too depressed to admit that this is yet another failed attempt at meeting the guy for me, and that is why Im holding on. Any insight would be great, thanks!

 
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Old 09-20-2006, 11:23 AM   #2
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Re: Is he clueless?

I think you may be overanalyzing this a bit too much. You are wondering what he wants, what his intentions are, and so on. You are right when you say that you should be focusing on what you want. Do you enjoy spending time with this guy? Do you want to get to know him better? Forget the future for a minute. In this moment, right now, how do you feel about everything?

If I were you, I would make a concerted effort to date others while this is going on. If he is this passive about making plans, then clearly he isn't as interested as you would like him to be at this stage. I would not give him a big sendoff, or try to talk about it with him, or avoid him to see how he reacts. Just let him make the moves, while you go about your life dating other people and living for the day. If you're free on the day he calls, and you're interested in hanging out, so be it.

I guess the bottom line is, don't put all your eggs in one basket, unless that guy is showing a lot of interest. A lot of interest can be identified easily. You wouldn't have this many questions if you felt like this was going somewhere. You don't have to hate him, never speak to him or see him again, or see this as a romantic failure. You sound like you're still healing from a bad breakup, and anything that doesn't work out is going to feel like more fallout. But it's not true. Everyone has ups and downs, and sometimes we get in ruts when we are not ourselves. The most important thing is to try to have as much fun as you can, while you can, and if that means meeting a hundred guys before you find one you like, that's okay. Sometimes the fun is in the journey, you know?

 
Old 09-20-2006, 01:35 PM   #3
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Re: Is he clueless?

your post made me think of a funny episode of friends, where Rachel was dating Bruce Willis and she wanted to get to know him a little deeper and he stayed on the surface.........she asked him what was your childhood like? he said uneventful......he never would get below the surface to his real feelings, until one day he turned into a whiney sniveley crybaby because when he was a child someone called him chicken-legs or something and it scarred him for life....LOL did anyone else see that one?

 
Old 09-20-2006, 04:28 PM   #4
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Re: Is he clueless?

Thanks for your post bulletproof. I do agree that Im overanalyzing, its the story of my life, I do that a lot. I know I should concentrate on what I want, which is why Im pulling back. I do like spending time with him but sometimes I think its more about if he likes ME. Which it shouldnt be. Like you said, the breakup affected me more than anything has ever, so maybe its just the fact that Im so sensitive to being jerked around, led on, etc. Its sad to admit, but when I have someone after me, I can take my mind off of what happened/the rejection from someone I loved. It also makes me mad that I let my guard down and started to date this guy and now hes being this way.
I know what you mean though about putting all my eggs in one basket. Im not really doing that in my mind. If someone else decent actually comes along, Im all for it! Im supposed to meet this guy my friends been talking about and Im totally open to dating other people. I wouldnt say Im dating anyone else but Im definitely talking to other guys and keeping the options open. But I just find myself SO sensitive to how guys see me, especially if Ive invested any time in them whatsoever. I take it very personally which frustrates me. I also find myself very quick to write a guy off if he isnt doing what I want, which is pretty much the point Im at with this guy. So I'll go with what you said- I wont bring it up, I wont initiate hanging out, and if Im free Im free. Im just very overprotective of myself right now and if I feel like a guy isnt being the way I think I deserve, it drives me nuts and then I write him off. Sighhhh...baggage.

 
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