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conflict between friend and boyfriend

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Old 09-20-2006, 09:09 AM   #1
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amazinggrace23 HB User
conflict between friend and boyfriend

This is kind of complicated, so let me see if I can articulate this well enough for people to understand!

My roommate's ex-boyfriend and my current boyfriend were friends before either of them started dating us because they were from the same town and had hung out quite a few times with mutual friends. My roommate had been dating her boyfriend for about 3 years and I started dating my boyfriend a year ago. She and her bf were involved in a long distance relationship, but my bf went to the same college as us, so we were in the same town.

Towards the end of last year, my roommate started hanging out with another guy, while simultaneously still dating her long-term long-distance bf. This other guy would walk her home on weekend nights, they would talk about their feelings for each other, hold hands, etc. My boyfriend was witness to all of this as he often came home with me and saw what was going on.

For graduation, my roommate's bf booked a (very expensive) flight to come and watch her graduate. We all went out that night, but he was tired from his flight and slept in her bed while we all went to the bar. While at the bar, she met the other guy she had been hanging out with, and proceeded to hold hands with him, sit on his lap, etc. He even walked her home, all while her boyfriend was sleeping in her bed. My boyfriend was with us the whole time and of course saw everything. Two weeks later, my roommate broke up with her boyfriend (finally).

A month later, she called me, telling me that she had just talked to her ex, and he told her he knew about everything (the other guy, the fact that she was all over him at the bar while he was asleep in her bed, etc.). She was livid and didn't know who told him, but the only thing she could think of was that it was my boyfriend, since he saw everything. She asked me to tell him to please keep his mouth shut and mind his own business, which I agreed that I would. I called my bf and asked him if it was him who told, and he said that it wasn't. My roommate has asked me about it several times since, and I have said honestly that i had no idea who told.

well, last night my boyfriend finally admitted that it WAS him who told--he ran into her ex at a bar. her ex said that he "knew something was going on," and my bf told him the story because he thought that he had a right to know.

i'm in kind of a dilemma now because i KNOW my roommate will ask me again, and should i lie to protect my boyfriend or should i tell her the truth? if i tell her the truth, she will hate him and I will be expected to be mad at him too. The only reason I am mad at him is because he lied to me in the first place. Also, we are all going to be together this weekend for the first time since graduation, and I'm afraid my aggressive roommate is going to confront my boyfriend, and I will be expected to take sides. I really, really don't want any drama between the two, and I really don't want to be in the middle, which I already am, unfortunately. Any opinions on this?

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Old 09-20-2006, 09:59 AM   #2
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Re: conflict between friend and boyfriend

I think that your friend has NO RIGHT to be mad at your boyfriend. She knew that they were friends, and yet carried on this way IN FRONT OF HIM. Not that it would have been any better had he not been witness to it. SHE is the one who has done something wrong and she should NOT expect your boyfriend or YOU for that matter to condone it!

If you saw your friend's long term BF with another girl, wouldn't you tell your friend? If you didn't, than she would probably be really upset with you.

I think your BF did the right thing and you shouldn't be upset with him, whether he lied to you or not, he was just protecting himself. We have all been there one time or another.

Old 09-20-2006, 10:13 AM   #3
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Re: conflict between friend and boyfriend

Duchess makes many good points and I have to agree with all of them. It is a shaky situation for you to be in - but in reality, you need to stay out of it. You owe your roommate no explantion. If she wants to know, then she can ask her EX about how he found out. Tell her you don't want to be put in the middle.
You seem like a really good friend. I don't know if I could stand to be around a roommate like that. She has no one to blame and be mad at but herself. If she and her ex are over with, then why should she care anyhow?

Last edited by KeltoKel; 09-20-2006 at 10:14 AM.

Old 09-20-2006, 11:29 AM   #4
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Re: conflict between friend and boyfriend

I think she cares because she wants a clean conscience, and she doesn't want to feel like the bad guy. My boyfriend and her ex were friends, but her ex moved out of state so they didn't communicate very much, only when they both came down to see us girls. I guess she just felt like it wasn't my bf's place to tell her ex, and she honestly thought that they wouldn't see or talk to each other--the only reason they DID see each other was because her ex was in town for the weekend for a wedding and they randomly ran into each other. I'm just a big wuss when it comes to conflict and HATE having anyone mad at me, and I don't want to lie to her, but I also don't want her to get into a fight with my boyfriend about it.

Old 09-20-2006, 11:44 AM   #5
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Re: conflict between friend and boyfriend

Of course she doesn't want to be the "bad guy", but the fact is SHE IS!! Rather than be responsible for her actions, she is basically shifting the guilt onto you and your BF.
Are you going to let her jeopardize the relationship between your BF and yourself? She sounds very manipulating and can be the cause of trouble between the two of you.

If she wanted a clear conscience, she should have broken it up with her ex BEFORE pursuing another relationship. It doesn't sound like she deserves you as a friend. You are too kind for your own good.

Last edited by duchess66; 09-20-2006 at 11:45 AM.

Old 09-20-2006, 02:06 PM   #6
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Re: conflict between friend and boyfriend

to Helll with this girl.....she does something less than honorable and then she expects everyone else to cover for her?

she shouldn't have been doing it, or she should have been more discreet.

it's not everyone elses responsibility to protect her interests.

Old 09-21-2006, 03:28 AM   #7
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Re: conflict between friend and boyfriend

First things first I think you need to tell your bf that she might confront him about it if you really think it's likely to happen - you both need to be prepared.

Honestly I would advise your bf to deny that he was the one that told. Ok, it's a lie, but this girl sounds very unreasonable to me and I doubt she would understand why he had to tell. She'll probably hate him for telling, and hate you for being with him and possibly knowing that he told and not sharing it with her. Denying that he told will probably still leave her suspicious, especially if there really isn't anyone else that could've done it, but as long as you deny it she can't really prove anything, and if she decides to hate your bf and/or you anyway then I'd seriously drop her as a friend.

As others have said, she's clearly the one in the wrong here and is just angry that she got caught out retrospectively.

Old 09-21-2006, 05:16 AM   #8
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Re: conflict between friend and boyfriend

Hey, your room mate was the idiot and put the two of you right in the middle of HER issue. How stupid is she? Did she really think none of this would get back to the guy she was cheating on? What an idiot!
Hoenstly, I would tell her it's her own damn fault and she deserves what she gets. She should have broken up with her boyfriend before starting up with someone else, and it's not your problem. It's hers.
Geez, with friends like that who needs enemies.

Old 10-23-2006, 11:46 AM   #9
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Re: conflict between friend and boyfriend

i know that i posted this issue a long time ago, but there has been an update, unfortunately. Nothing major happened that weekend (like I was afraid it would), so I decided to put it in the back of my mind and just forget I even knew anything.

I went back to school this weekend for homecoming. My boyfriend is still in school and the roommate in question (we'll call her "lexie") is going to grad school there. I met up with another old roommate, we'll call her "Sarah," saturday morning, who used to live with both me and the other roommate. she had a few too many drinks and ended up telling me that she wasn't supposed to tell me this, but she had talked Lexie and that Lexie's ex-boyfriend called her a week ago and told her that it was my boyfriend who told him everything. Lexie told Sarah that I broke her trust by telling my boyfriend everything and that she was going to stop telling me anything about her personal life anymore. Basically this friendship is going down the tubes and I'm not supposed to know about it. After telling me this, Sarah promptly left, leaving me standing alone completely stunned and to the point of tears. It was basically like, "oh, lexie hates you and is blaming you and your boyfriend for everything, but you're not supposed to know about that. See ya!" She probably didn't think it would affect me like it did, but as I mentioned before, I am a huge wuss when it comes to conflict and I HATE having anyone mad at me, especially when I can't defend myself or try to make peace. I'm almost positive that Lexie thinks that I lied to her, which I didn't, because when she asked me about it, I honestly didn't think it was my boyfriend that leaked the info! I feel like I should tell her this, and I feel like I should tell her WHY my boyfriend told (he didn't call her ex up and tell him out of the blue, her ex ASKED for the information). I also feel like I should defend myself for the fact that I didn't TELL my boyfriend anything--he saw it with his own two eyes! But I'm not supposed to know anything about the current situation, so I can't bring it up.

I'm probably making too big of a deal about this, but I hate the fact that I am probably losing a friendship. I have never been the type of girl to put my boyfriend first and ditch my friends (I have had that done to me too many times to do it myself) and I don't want to let my relationship get in the way of a friendship, but I can't help but feeling that this friendship might not even be worth salvaging if she's going to blame me and my boyfriend for her behavior. As bad as I make her seem, she has been a good friend to me in the past and has been there for me in tough times.

Old 10-23-2006, 12:06 PM   #10
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Re: conflict between friend and boyfriend

OK. So "Sarah" told you how Lexie is upset with you in a very harsh way. She also said that you're not supposed to know that Lexie is upset with you, and Sarah doesn't want you to tell Lexie that she's the one who told you. Well, why care so much about what Sarah thinks? It doesn't sound like she's that great of a friend to you, if she's going to tell you something so harshly and then leave you standing there almost in tears.

Now, you sound like a very considerate person -- to the point that people are taking advantage of you and your feelings. Everyone thinks that you're going to be the "good person" and keep secrets, even if it harms you. What was Sarah's purpose of telling you the Lexie hates you? Is she trying to drive an ever greater wedge between you? I would question her motive. With that being said, to be the most considerate, you could tell Sarah that you intend to confront Lexie about the situation, using the knowledge that she gave you. Sarah will be upset, but hey, at least you're letting her know beforehand. I assume she's friends with Lexie, too? Maybe what you three need to do is have a sit down and let everything out in the open. Because it sounds like a lot of back talking and gossip is going on here, and that's not healthy. It is typical of the way women often treat other though, but it's not right. We should be sisters, not enemies.

Then, confront Lexie. You need to stand up for yourself. Gather your thoughts and feelings in a list -- write it all down if you have to. Then have a sit down talk with Lexie. Tell her how your bf spilling the beans on her bad behavior was something that you'd like a friend of yours to do if your partner was caught doing the same things. Explain how it is all "water under the bridge" right now anyway -- her relationship with her ex ended, so he is old news. Ask that you not let boyfriends drive your friendship apart. Explain that your boyfriend only told his friend what he saw, and it was AFTER they broke up already -- and you had nothing to do with that conversation whatsoever. Then also tell her that you're hurt by what Sarah told you, that you value your friendship with her, and while you would like to continue being friends, you need to stand up for yourself, clear the air, and put this all behind you.

Old 10-23-2006, 01:23 PM   #11
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Re: conflict between friend and boyfriend

I get the feeling from your last post that you're not roomates with Lexie anymore. Words like, "BF is still at school," "I went back to school for homecoming."

If Lexie is not your roomate anymore, I'd just forget about all this garbage and move on with your life. Learn your lesson about living with drama queens and chalk it up to one of those stupid college experiences you had to endure. Real friends don't put friends in the position you're in -- and I'm talking about both Sarah and Lexie.

If you are still co-habitating with Lexie, I think you really have no other choice but to do what Minnesota suggested. Sit down, hash it all out, hopefully set things straight and say your peace, and set up some parameters so that you're not put in this position again.

I really hope you're not living with Lexie anymore! I don't think all of this drama, gossip, secrets, cheating, he said-she said crap is worth an ounce of breath, worry or thought on your part.

Old 10-23-2006, 01:47 PM   #12
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Re: conflict between friend and boyfriend

No, I graduated, got a job and my own apartment about an hour away from campus, so I am living on my own. I like living on my own a LOT better since I don't have to deal with all of the conflict and drama (as much, anyway)! I guess it's just disappointing when people you thought were your best friends treat you like crap. i just hate the feeling of knowing that someone is mad at me for something I can't control. I'll probably just let my friendship with Lexie diminish, at least for awhile, until she realizes what happened. I just found out that she is in therapy for stress and anxiety, so it might be best for both of us if we just let it go for awhile and didn't talk to each other. Reading over my posts it just seems like a lot of unnecessary, ridiculously immature drama that I dont' need in my life. I HATE that kind of drama, but as much as I didn't want to be involved, I was in the middle whether I liked it or not! I have more important things to worry about, and for heaven's sake, i'm 22--a grown woman, if you ask me. Thanks for your input. Sometimes what it takes is just typing out your problem and getting some verification to make up your mind, you know?

Oh, and I wanted to clear up that I really don't think Sarah meant anything harshly by telling me what she did. She is one of the sweetest girls I know, and she told me that she just thought it was the norm to tell each other whenever lexie did anything bitchy, which happens a lot. unfortunately in this case it was a little more personal, so I took offense when she didn't realize how big of an effect it would have on me.

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