First Love - How do you know if it is meant to be forever? - Relationship Health Message Board

whoknowsneway · 09-21-2006, 08:36 PM

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plasva · 09-21-2006, 11:53 PM

Hello,

Can you give us an example of something you "need" in your relationship that you have to keep asking for over and over?

I know exactly what you're talking about, though. And I must say, I'm as confused as you are.

I have had a few major relationships in my life. The first one, I knew would not last forever, because I was too young, and I wanted to date others.

The second one, I thought I was going to marry. I definitely did not always feel happy, though, and wondered why he did not even seem to care if I ever felt cherished/special beyond that first year, and I could completely relate to "imagining things being different with the one I would actually marry." I loved him dearly, though, but we ended up breaking up by HIS choice.

Now I am in a relationship with a guy who I know loves me and who I love also, but it seems not a day goes by where I don't think, "Why did he just do that/ say that/ why didn't he ______/ what if he is not The One, because I never imagined my relationship with my HUSBAND being this way." For example, I keep waiting for him to tell me I'm beautiful and he wants to take me out, or something along those lines, but the closest I've been getting for months is, "You're cute" and he bought me a cup of tea. LOL. Other days, I think we could surely have a happy marriage and just need to work on on communicating better.

So I am just as confused as you and have no answers. I constantly wonder if it's possible to have a relationship where the other person does not annoy you at times.

Is it, anyone?

minnesotagirl · 09-22-2006, 10:03 AM

I think you're at a crossroads right now. If you're imaging what it would be like to be with other people, how are you going to settle down with your boyfriend for the rest of your life without experiencing that?

I got married when I was 20 to the same guy I had been with since age 17. I ended up having an affair when I was 22 because I wanted to know what it would be like to be with someone else (my husband wasn't my first however, but after 5-6 years with him it sure felt like it). My affair started in my head as "what would it be like to kiss someone else" and it soon developed into a "bad habit" (for lack of a better term). There were other factors involved, but one of the main ones was that I got married too young and didn't get to experience other things in life. I divorced him about a year later (not because of the affair necessarily, he never even found out about it, but I basically did leave him for someone else, still live with the guilt of that, I don't recommend it).

Anyway, I think it may be time for you to take some time apart from your relationship. He is across the country from you, working fulltime, while you're still in college with a totally different life. I know it can be so very hard to do that when you love someone so much. It does sound like you're not "in love" with him anymore --- I can tell you that for most relationships, that "in love" feeling does fade, it is natural, and it will probably fade again if you fall in love with someone else someday. But, I think of that as a part of life.

OK, but while I say that, and that the "in love" feeling faded with my ex, and that I think it does fade with every relationship -- I've now been involved in a 4 year long relationship with someone else and while the goosebumps have faded some, I believe the "in love" feelings have not faded as much as they did with my ex... Meaning, the guy I'm with now is probably much more suitable for me. Maybe the spark and the in love feeling can last. This has helped me justify my divorce in a way.

It sounds a bit like you and your BF are just assuming you'll be together always. That's not a good thing to assume, as anything can happen in life. If you just assume you'll always be together that can cause you to take each other for granted.

I think you should weigh out the pros and cons of taking a break. Know that one of the cons is going to be that you might lose him forever. But, what would the pros be for you?

And, know that what you're going through is very common. Seek advice from the friends and family who know you best.

dream life · 09-22-2006, 11:13 AM

I can relate. I recently broke up with my BF of 4.5 years - 3 years engaged. We had been together before, as well - when we were 16 till we were 18. Then we broke up b/c we were young & wanted to "make sure", ya know? A year & 1/2 later, we ended up back together & things were great for a few years. But, the past 2 years just felt so much like what happened before & I was finding myself unsure of the relationship again... wondering if this is what I wanted for the rest of my life. I know that I love him & that I always will - but I found that I just didn't quite feel the same about being IN love with him. We have gone through so much together - we were also each other's "first" for almost everything & shared so much history. But, ultimately, I wasn't fully happy with him anymore.

As I said, I know I will always love him - he's been a huge part of my life & our relationship was a huge learning experience for me. But I just can't see it working out for the long run, I can't see us getting married anymore like we used to always talk about.

Good luck figuring out what it is that you want! It's not always easy... but something I realized not that long ago is that no matter how much I love my ex as a person - love isn't everything in a relationship. It's so much more.

~DL

Fabat40 · 09-24-2006, 10:34 PM

Dear Whoknows,

Your life is somewhat similar to mine... I was with my BF and met him in college, etc.

Don't be so hard on yourself if you want to explore what's out there. And I think you'd be unfair to yourself and to your BF if you don't. It's part of life to "see what's out there" and I'm going to tell you a similar advice I'd given my son. Don't settle for anything less than what you want in life. Go out and see the world, travel, learn one or two different languages, learn many different cultures. Don't get married or settle down with a mate until you have accomplished these things, unless you find a partner who wants similar things as you do and want to do similar things. "you can't go thru life eating only spaghetti when there are other dishes to discover out there"... Hopefully, you will be able to answer the questions you have in and about life.

From my experience, when I'd traveled around the world, learned that there's more to life outside my boundaries, there's a whole different culture, different movement, different life, I seem to be less focused on myself than before. Seeing things beyond boundaries that life seems to put onto us as we get older I am able to see clearer and have less doubts about some life decisions.

When I've decided to leave my husband with a baby in tow, it wasn't easy. Talk to your BF and tell him how you feel. Be honest and sometimes, talking about things like this are the toughest. But you owe it to him and especially to yourself. You have to be honest with yourself. You have to face yourself in the mirror. If you have to release him to find and experience life, then maybe there's someone else out there for you. Go live life! Once you'd experienced life, then only then, you can make life changing decisions such as marriage and I hope by then, you wouldn't have the same doubts as you do now.

Peace.