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Old 09-22-2006, 10:06 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jun 2003
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Angelica_01 HB User
first possible serious relationship....help please

Hereís my situation, Iíll try to keep it short. I recently got in contact with someone I met briefly in college. We were more like class-mates back then, knew each other existed, usual friendly hello, etc. Iím now 25, Mike is 27, we had no contact for over 5 yrs. He got my email from a friend over a month ago. He initiated the first contact via email and weíve hung out quite a few times the past month. He usually initiates the meetings. When we first hung out, we would just talk about our lives the past few years, catch up, that sort of thing. Just trying to catch up as long lost friends or something. Those talks later transpired into conversations at a more personal/deeper level. I started thinking, ďwhere is this all going?Ē My other friends were saying that I seemed to be spending a lot of time with him. The deeper conversations involved where do we see ourselves in a few years, our goals, our ideal future wife/husband, family life, etc. I asked him what is intention was with where our ďhanging outĒ was heading. I felt like we both needed to know so we are both on the same page. Turns out we both agreed that at this point weíre still getting to know one another, after all weíve both transcended from college students to mature adults and we are different people now. We both had no intention to expect something out of the friendship and agreed letís just see what happens. We also agreed that the best relationships come from friendships and by starting as just friends, thereís no pressure. Overall the evening was great, we had a great time.

One weekend, he called me and we talked for almost 2 hours straight! He said he liked spending time with me and wants to hang out more to get to know me better. Later that week he emailed and said hey letís go do something. I was away on business so he actually drove an hour to meet with me. That evening, we talked more. Not sure how we got on this subject but pretty much we discussed how I didnít believe in pre-marital sex and how strongly I felt with that subject. He said he didnít really agree with that, but that he did respect me for that. He believes sex is an important part of a relationship even before marriage. He said he didnít have to have it, but it was important. It was actually a really nice, serious conversation where we opened up to each other. We ended up hugging and cuddled a bit. He gave me a few sweet, soft kisses when we parted ways. On our drive home he called and we talked a bit. Heís a thinker so heís telling me that if something ever becomes of our relationship, the one thing I need to consider is if I will be ready for the possible frustrations that we will both deal with in regards to sex. He said there will be a time where heíll be frustrated with me and I may be frustrated with myself because of wanting to be faithful to my belief, and at the same time, face the conflict of wanting to do what makes him happy. Letís all admit here that in relationships, we all strive to do things that make our significant other happy. And at times do have to compromise a little. A very good point this was.

This past week, we hung out again of course we discuss serious things. He told me he was attracted to me, really enjoy our time together, etc. I told him I know we are friends now, but I had to ask if he was seeing anyone right now and that if he was, I want nothing to do with it as I donít want to get involved with anyone whoís playing the field. He said heís not dating anyone. The thing is, I believe him when he tells me this, I REALLY do. The evening ended with us kinda makin out, lol! We didnít go all the way and when I didnít want to go any further, I would ask him to stop and he did. If his hands went where I didnít want them to go, Iíd motion for him to stop and he would. He took my lead the whole night and was not throwing himself on me at all. I asked him if the relationship progresses further, would he be patient with me in regards to sex, as in wait till Iím ready. He said yes he would, that it is not his nature to force someone to do something they donít want to do. I know what you guys are thinkingÖ. ďif he likes/loves you that much, he would be 100% ok with waiting till marriage with you .Ē Truthfully, we all know that even if he waits, no doubt he will get frustrated at one point in time, he is a guy afterall. Iím always very careful with relationships that I get into and if I felt in any way that he was using me to try to get what he wants, I would know it and I would drop him so fast, I donít tolerate guys like that. With Mike, I donít feel this at all. He helps me think about the situation at another level and kinda brings light to some things I have not really considered, not because Iím stupid, but because I am/was so stuck with my beliefs. He has his reasons and like me, heís allowed to have his beliefs. So I will respect that.

The thing is that I donít normally act this way with a guy when I donít know where the relationship is heading. After our make-out session the other night, Iíve told him that I donít want things between us to be physical all the time, that spending time with him talking is fine, heís ok with that and understands. No doubt in my mind though that it will get physical again because we ARE attracted to each other. Whatís most important to me is that we have great chemistry, so I donít want you guys to think its all about looks. Mike and I are not like that at all. In fact I donít think Iím attractive so sometimes I wonder what he sees in me, but I think my low self-esteem might be a contributing factor to that belief, lol. I also feel very safe with him. We are still at the ďfriendsĒ stage and not sure where things are heading. Iíve decided that rather than push him into saying ďhey we are officially dating and you are it, thereís no one else,Ē Iím just gonna go with whatís happening. Iíve dated but never in a really serious relationship before. I donít know if Iíll really end up holding onto my beliefs until marriage, but one thing I can say for sure is that I donít believe in casual sex/one night stands so that I would NEVER do. Also, if this thing with Mike progresses, and I do decide to give up my virginity before marriage, he and I would definitely have to be in an exclusive, committed relationship and it would be months before we move to that level.

Sorry so long, but I felt if I left out certain details, it would be difficult to judge his character. So, I just wanted to get everyoneís feel for my situationÖ. Should I continue to go with the flow? Does he seem like a decent guy to you, or is there something I'm missing about him? Am I doing the right thing, or moving too fast, etc? I really hope someone will take the time to help me out here. Any advice would be appreciated.

 
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Old 09-23-2006, 03:32 PM   #2
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 470
plasva HB User
Re: first possible serious relationship....help please

Hi,

I do feel that you are rushing into this possible relationship because of the excitement. You really need to stop and think.

Realize there are men who also want to wait until marriage to have sex. I once saw a personal ad from a guy who wrote he was looking for a female who, like him, was a virgin, because he wanted the two of them "to grow together in marriage." He actually sounded really cool (not wierd or extrememly religious or anything). So there are guys who want what you want, and you should NOT compromise.

I know you think he's really nice and sincere and you trust his intentions, but be very very careful. I think it would be better to look for someone who shares your beliefs. Because what happens when one night, you're making out, and he goes to touch you more than you're comfortable with, and you have to keep telling him not to? Is that pattern going to repeat over and over every time you get together? At the least, determine exactly how far you're willing to go sexually and tell him that's as far as you're willing to go, period. And if he ever tries to go farther, you will know he is not the guy for you.

You're going to have to be really strong to date this guy. I personally cannot stand guys who try to "see how far they can go" and force you do tell them to stop. Such guys are NOT trustworthy.

Good luck, and listen very hard to your intuition.

 
Old 09-23-2006, 11:10 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 1,420
GypsyArcher HB User
Re: first possible serious relationship....help please

The two of you have a huge conflict of interest here that isn't going to just disappear. Now, sex is obviously very important to him, as he has made sure to point out. And honestly, most adult men don't get into relationships so they can hold hands and have the occassional make-out session. That might have worked when they were 13, but at almost 30? No. If you guys were to get married, that most likely wouldn't be for at least a couple of years. You really think he is going to be able to hold out for years? And then what if a couple of years go by and you decide to break up with him or something, and he spent all that time and didn't get any? I doubt he wants to take that chance.

Quote:
After our make-out session the other night, Iíve told him that I donít want things between us to be physical all the time, that spending time with him talking is fine, heís ok with that and understands.
No, he's not OK with that, trust me. He wants to get in your pants.

You kind of contradicted yourself, because first you said you were absolutely against pre-marital sex, but then later you conceded that maybe you would sleep with Mike if you felt the relationship was strong and enough time had gone past. Does he know that? I mean, never go against your beliefs for another person, but if you feel that way, then try telling him you don't necessarily need to wait for marriage, but you do want to build a strong relationship first. Maybe he'd be more understanding then.

Although this -

Quote:
He said there will be a time where heíll be frustrated with me and I may be frustrated with myself because of wanting to be faithful to my belief, and at the same time, face the conflict of wanting to do what makes him happy.
- has me wondering. Am I taking it the wrong way, or does he really think you'll feel conflicted about not sleeping with him just to make him happy? BWAH! What about the part where you get frustrated at him for pestering you about it? Huh? Because if he seriously expects that you'll feel BAD for not catering to his sexual needs, then that makes him seem like a pompous rear end.

Quote:
Letís all admit here that in relationships, we all strive to do things that make our significant other happy. And at times do have to compromise a little.
Yeah, we want to make our SO's happy, but not at a cost to ourselves. Giving in and having sex when you don't feel ready isn't a sacrifice you have to make for anyone. If this is really what he meant, then you should tell him where to go.
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